Torn Asunder

Do I dare say it? I've never wanted anyone but her, but if she no longer wants me ...

The seconds seem like hours as they stand there in silence, each struggling with the demon in their own way. Finally Jim's shoulders sag. His whole posture seems to slump. Her heart breaks as she watches him take a deep breath to prepare for his next words.

"Go."

"What?"

"Go! Find Dee Archer or whoever you desire. Just don't bring it home to my house or in front of our children."

"Jim I ... I... What about us?"

"There's not much 'us' if you don't desire me. I'll move into the guest bedroom."

"No! That's not what I want. I want you; I want us. I don't want to lose you."

"Erica, I'm giving you what you want in the only way I know how. Do you really think I could sleep in the same bed with you, knowing what I know now? Knowing that you don't want me the way I want you? Knowing that my touch, a touch that used to inspire and enflame your passion, now gives you a chill? Today you turned my whole world upside down. If not for the kids, I'd pack my clothes and leave so you could get on with chasing your new desires. Fifteen years ago I put that ring on your finger and pledged my love to you till death do us part. Well, I've just been taught there are many ways to die, and there truly are fates worse than death. Long before we got married you were my heart, my treasure. I never would have thought that I'd lose that treasure, but because I love you completely I'll make the sacrifice out of that love and let you go."

"Let me go? Jim, please don't say that! I still love you. I need you. I'm sorry things are the way they are, but please don't just walk away?"

"I'm not 'just walking away.' I've been shut out. Maybe a year from now you'll change again. I just hope there is something left if you do."

"Jim, what are you saying?"

"The only desire I've had for more than 15 years has been for you. Even now I want to hold you and kiss you and show you just how strong and deep my love is. But I can't do that when you tell me it will disgust you, and I don't know what a year of not holding you and not kissing you and not showing you will do to that love."

"Don't you understand? I still love you! It's just as strong as it ever was. I don't want to lose you! I don't want you to leave!"

"It's you who don't understand Erica. You don't want me to leave, but you don't want to be with me either. I married a whole woman, a whole love. I can't live on half a love. I'm not the type of guy that can live an alternate lifestyle or an open marriage. You know that. I can't just go on living with you like you're just a friend or acquaintance, not with all you mean to me. I can't suddenly accept a handshake in place of a kiss. I'm choosing to give you your space so you can have your hearts desire. I'm choosing to try to hold the family together in the face of your obsession. Now I really need time and space to get my head back on straight, to put the pieces of my heart back together. Excuse me, I've got to go start moving."

Jim turns and walks toward the bedroom. Erica stares after him, as the tears roll down her face. She feels like she's been kicked in the stomach. She sits down at the kitchen table and buries her face in her hands.

He was crying! I haven't seen him cry since our last child was born. During all our time together I've seen him fail at many things, but until today I've never seen his head bowed in defeat. Oh, Jim, my darling. What have I done? What have I become? Have I destroyed the one person that means the world to me? I knew it would hurt him, devastate him even; but I never counted on how it would devastate me. I may not want to make love to him, but I still love him. I feel like I've abandoned him. I need him. I need our family whole. I'll make it up to you somehow. I'm so so sorry.