Wishful Thinking

"It's ok. You can tell me anything," he would say as he wrapped his arms around me giving me much needed comfort.

Well that's how it went in my dream anyway. Unfortunately real life is not something we get to control and the look of total disgust on Wesley's face as I told him that I was HIV positive was enough to make me physically ill.

His bags were packed the next day and off he went to break another poor slob's heart. I on the other hand sunk into total despair and self-pity. Yes I know, I know that's not going to help but boy it sure felt great and very justified!

I went about my days at work like a robot, (I work at a hospital by the way) until my patients started to notice I was not myself and began asking questions. Those I had known for a while knew I was gay and started making little comments like "So doc which one of these hospital hunks broke your heart"?

They were not far wrong!

I didn't have to disclose my status to the hospital but I found myself becoming extra careful about contact with patients and I knew there was no way in hell they would get "it" that way but I just couldn't help myself.

My dearest friend in the world finally cornered me and pretty much demanded to know what my problem was. Ok that's it...I totally lost it. "My problem? My problem?!! I'll tell you what my bloody problem is" I screamed in his face. " I found out last month that I am HIV positive and your mate, my now ex-boyfriend walked out because he was too disgusted to stay! That's what my problem is"!! Before Mike could say anything I stormed off.

Whenever I find myself loosing control the first place I head to is the beach. It was just the way I like it, stormy looking and gray. In my scrubs I started to run as fast as I could up and down the beach like a total idiot. Luckily for me Mike knew where I would be and stopped me before I could either pass out or throw up.

His arms went around me and his fingers stroked my hair. Now this was how Wesley was supposed to react I told myself. "Just do it" He whispered, giving me the permission to cry that I would never give myself. I sobbed like a baby at the unfairness of life and the brokeness of my heart. We sat together for hours afterwards talking and watching the sinking sun.

Mike reached out and gently took my hand in his. "You know, he said quietly "I would never treat you like Wesley did."

My mouth fell open at the implication of that whispered statement. I turned slowly towards Mike and for the first time in our seven years together as the two musketeers I really looked at him. His soul swam in his eyes and the sweet way his top lip curled when he smiled. Why did I not see this before? That's what comes from looking with your eyes and not your heart.

Trusting that he meant what he said I leant in and took his face in my hands and brought our lips together in a time-stopping kiss. At first I think we were both shocked that we were actually kissing but then true feelings took over and we were powerless to stop.

A small moan escaped Mike and I knew he was feeling the same things I was. Drawing back all I did was look questioningly at him and he tugged on my hand in response. Pulling me to my feet Mike enveloped me against his chest and judging by how fast his heart was racing this meant as much to him as it did to me.

I looked up into those beautiful green eyes and saw nothing but trust and love. I had a million questions but I didn't want to know the answers to any of them. One of Mike's biggest gripes against me was that I was always over-analyzing everything, that I never went with the flow so the fact that I was now about to make love with my best friend should make him very proud!

A smile spread across my face at this thought and he actually blushed! I guess he was thinking the same thing! Well they say great minds think alike. He bent his head to mine and captured my lips once more this time with more insistence and passion. We both became instantly hard and went on autopilot rubbing against each other.

This time it was me who broke the kiss. Breathing hard and with flushed cheeks I managed to pant out "If we take this much further I am going to throw you down and rape you here on the sand"! Mike wiggled his eyebrows in a comical response. "I've always wanted to make love in the great outdoors". Trying very hard to keep my hands to myself I led Mike over to where our cars were parked.

"Ok well as talented as you are obviously are you can't come with me and drive your car so let's meet at my place ok"? Mike nodded in agreement and even though it was only ten minutes to my house it seemed to take forever. I hadn't even turned the car off and Mike was there dragging me out and carrying me to my front door. We managed to get inside the house with minimum fondling. He turned serious for a moment and deposited me gently on my couch.

"I want this to be for always not just some fling so you can get Wesley out of your system. I have loved you from the first moment our eyes met and as much as it will hurt then if this can't be forever I don't want it."

The thought of hurting Mike made my blood run cold. Commitment didn't scare me but the thought of leaving Mike alone did. I wasn't sick yet but what if....?

Mike took my long pause as a sign that the answer was no and stood to go. My heart was screaming "for God's sake don't let him leave" and my head was telling me quite calmly that he needed a healthy person to fall in love with. Hey I said I was a Dr I never said I was smart when it came to doing the right thing for love.

I could deal with the pain of my own loneliness but having Mike hurting like that was something that I could not deal with. I opened my mouth to say all of this just as the door quietly closed. Ok what just happened? If I were a violent person I would have beaten the shit out of myself!

I ran to the door and flung it open just as Mike was backing out of the driveway and began to chase him. Then there was an awful screeching sound, a blinding pain in my lower half and....nothing.

Why is my hand aching? Peeling my eyes open I found the source of my discomfort. Mike had a death grip on my left hand that was slowly turning my fingers blue. "Ease up a bit will ya." I croaked out and discovered that yes you can swallow razor blades and survive.

Mike jumped to his feet and bought some ice chips to my mouth. Tears leaked slowly from the corners of his eyes and I longed to reach out and wipe them away but my body wouldn't obey. Mike sagged tiredly in his chair and looked like he couldn't decide whether to slap me or hug me.

"Why did you go and do such a bloody stupid thing like that for"? He asked roughly. And lent down before I could reply and kissed me. I opened my eyes and looked directly into his exhausted green ones.

"I was stopping you from leaving actually...I guess it worked huh". I tried dismally to smile but I couldn't pull it off. "The reason I didn't answer you before was because the thought of leaving you alone hurt worse than not having you in my life and Mike what if I get sick, I don't want you playing nurse maid to me when you should be enjoying your life."

Mike ran his hands through his hair and sighed deeply. "God you are so bloody stupid sometimes! Do you realize that you will probably die of old age before you die of anything aids related? Unless of course I kill you first"!

I began to reply but one look from Mike promptly shut me up. " We are in this together you moron and whether you like it or not I am not going anywhere! Taylor I love you don't you get that by now? Even if we only get two years together isn't that worth fighting for"?

My God this guy is gorgeous when he's angry! I tried to hold my hands up as a gesture of defeat but darn it my arms were made of lead! I settled for shaking my head slowly and whispering "Don't leave me ok. No matter what don't leave me". And yes once again I found myself bawling like a baby. Hey I'm an emotional kind of guy!

Mike growled softly in exasperation and kissed me hard on the lips and hugged me as gently as he could. "When you get out of here you'd better be totally healed because we may just break stuff"!

Six Months Later...

"Hey babe I'm home". I loved hearing those words from Mike! I was making his favorite dinner and in danger of burning the house down when two strong arms lifted me off my feet. My body responded without any help from me when Mike began to kiss me passionately. I mumbled something about the stove still being on and we stumbled to the couch in a tangle of arms and legs.

We had to move carefully because my leg was still healing and my lower back still had large ugly bruises but that didn't put a damper on our love life believe me!

My hands were shaking as I practically tore Mike's shirt off and fumbled with the buttons on his jeans. His body wasn't stereo-typically perfect but it was beautiful to me and it responded to my touch like an instrument being played by a master.

Mike's nipples were sensitive and obviously directly linked to his cock because blowing on them gently produced immediate results! I kissed my way across his chest delighting in the little shivers I created along the way.

Mike's small whimpers of pleasure urged me on and I continued my assault on his delicious body. Breathing in his masculine sent I licked and sucked my way down to his leaking cock and then much to his dismay I avoided touching it all together. He tried to direct me with his hands but failed miserably.

I wanted him totally at my mercy and begging for release when and if I decided to grant it.

I spread his thighs and suckled on his balls, rolling them around with my tongue and sucking on each in turn.

He sucked his breath in as my tongue invaded every crevice. I moved to his puckered hole and nibbled on it gently....I knew this drove Mike wild and I brought him to the edge and then backed off until he was practically screaming at me to fuck him.

Just for one last tease I took his rock hard cock in my mouth all at once, going right to the base. My tongue swirled and tickled its length. Mike totally lost control, grabbed me roughly and threw me down to the bed. I was achingly hard and desperate to make love to him too but it was so much fun getting him to take charge..which was something he wasn't comfortable doing.

Mike smothered my body in hot kisses and then moved himself into position over my cock and slowly impaled himself on me. The sensation was so intense I almost lost it right then.

We moaned together as our bodies moved as one. That's what it was all about for me...the union that comes from being with that someone that makes your soul fly.

I wrapped my arms around Mike and brought him down to my chest and we kissed hard and passionately all the while he was fucking me like there was no tomorrow.

I felt myself getting close as my body tensed and my back arched. When Mike and I made love like this my body took on a mind of it's own.

"I'm gonna cum baby" Mike's voice came out in a ragged whisper. His breath hot and fast in my ear just increased the sensations washing over me. One last thrust from Mike and I lost it. His hand clamped down on my cock and pumped furiously.

My head went back and I yelled out my love for my man as we came together. Mike's body went ridged and he bit my ear as he got lost in our passion for each other. We both sagged as that wonderful tiredness overtook us from the exertion.

We took our usual positions with Mike snuggling tightly into my back, his legs curled against mine.

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair and got lost in those endless eyes. He smiled at me and suddenly I knew that whatever the future had in store for us it would be ok. No matter what we had each other.

Mike usually gave me a hard time about being an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic and yeah I guess I am....but what's the alternative? Going through life being jaded and not opening yourself up to love? That's no way to live so I choose to believe.

And now with Mike securely in my life it's not just wishful thinking anymore.

Well I hope you enjoyed our little story. Yes that is actually the way it happened. Someone up there knew we needed each other and the rest is history. I am still living with being positive and we take one day at a time. So my wish for you is you find your someone and remember...it's never too late.

Blessings

Taylor.