A Heart Divided Ch. 02

We decided to walk from the restaurant, since it was only a couple blocks to the ice skating rink. When we got there, the first thing we saw was the line. I asked someone if it was for skating, and they assured me it was. Looking over the crowd, I could see it was a lot of families with kids. Who knew it would be a popular destination that evening? With barely an hour left before they closed, I didn't expect that we'd get in.

I looked at Gina, and shrugged. She smiled and said, "We'll just have to go skating another time. Got any plans for New Year's Eve?"

I laughed at what I thought was a joke, but then I noticed she was looking at me expectantly. "Oh! No, no plans. Skating and then drinks sound good!"

"Sure, sounds good. It's a...plan," she said, intentionally joking on how I had misspoken the day before. "In the meantime, it's not too, too cold. Want to walk around the downtown area and look at lights?"

"Sounds to me like a great way to spend Christmas."

We walked side by side down the streets of the small downtown area. The city had tried to make it look more like an old-fashioned Main Street, with colonial architecture and no national chain stores. Decorated for Christmas, it was very nice and even romantic. Walking next to Gina without holding hands or linking arms felt almost unnatural. At one point, we were at an intersection waiting for a light to change, when Gina gasped. She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to a store window.

We stood in front of the display at a jewelry store- a wintry village scene with a dark blue backdrop. The sky was filled with (probably fake) diamonds made to look like stars over the town. Gina held my hand the whole time. I thought she was interested in the jewelry, but then she leaned a little against me and said distantly, "I love the stars. They're so promising."

I didn't know how to react, so I just squeezed her hand gently. I was glad we both had on gloves, because if I had been touching her skin in that moment, I would have been unable to resist the urge to pull her around and kiss her.

When the beeping of the crosswalk sign alerted us that we could go, she released my hand and we kept walking. We went around another block, then back to the restaurant, pointing out cute displays and decorations. It didn't occur to me until later that I had risked being seen by someone who knew one of us and knew that we shouldn't be together like this. It had started out as dinner as friends, though I wasn't sure I even believed that anymore. In any case, we were dipping our feet into deeper waters, and I was increasingly aware of the dangers of that.

I was relieved that she didn't do anything but say good-bye when we got to our cars. Standing next to her car as she opened the door, I asked if she was serious about New Year's Eve plans, and she said, "Yeah, obviously. The sign at the rink said they're open til 10 that night. Wanna say...skating at 9, then drinks out?"

"I'll have to check my busy social calendar, but I'm guessing that works for me," I joked. Gina leaned over the door of her car and kissed my cheek. I was too stunned to respond. Our cheeks felt so cold when they touched, yet I suddenly felt warm all over. Gina sat down behind the wheel and said, "Thanks for a fun evening, Gareth. I'll see you later." I drove home with a dozen competing thoughts in my head. But the thought that was winning the battle was...I liked that.

*******

I saw Gina a couple of times while running that week. When we crossed paths, we'd run together for a bit, talking about nothing serious and nothing at length (to save our breath). I didn't know if a kiss on the cheek was just a simple friendly gesture for her, of if it was the opening of a door to something more. I knew she seemed happy to see me, and I knew I was more and more looking forward to the next time I would see her.

I pushed down thoughts of infidelity and cheating with a three-fold attack. We weren't having sex or anything like that, so I wasn't cheating on Lynn. Besides, Lynn was so far out of the picture, she probably had someone else already. And finally, I could always default to moral relativism- the idea of faithfulness and cheating is just an outdated dinosaur of a Victorian morality. In my clearer moments, however, I knew that I didn't care if it was cheating. I wanted something that I missed terribly, and Gina might be able to give that to me. And that something wasn't just sex.

*******

When I showed up at the skating rink, Gina was waiting for me outside. Her hands were tucked into her coat, and she was bouncing to keep warm. It looked, though, like she was bouncing from happiness to see me.

"No line?" I asked, following her inside.

"Nope. And I already bought tickets and skate rentals, so we're set."

It wasn't crowded, which was nice. I wasn't much for skating- to be honest, it had probably been 20 years since I had done any form of skating, so fewer people to bump into was good. Gina wasn't an expert, but she never fell and could skate backwards, which impressed me. After a few laps around the rink, I felt comfortable that no one there knew me- it mostly seemed to be families from in town. So with the hope of some anonymity, I took hold of Gina's gloved hand, more to steady myself than anything else.

She pulled me along and tried to get me to speed up. My only technique for stopping was to go full speed into the ledge that surrounded the ice. Gina tried to teach me at least how to stop and how to turn a little better. She laughed a lot, and her laughter was musical to me. Sometimes she laughed at me, and sometimes she just laughed at the joy of the evening. At a quarter to ten, there was an announcement that they were going to be closing soon. We joined the crowd returning skates and headed for the exit.

Looking around at the streets, slightly busy with party-goers, I was about to suggest a place for drinks. But Gina said, "You know, I didn't realize you'd be falling so much. Your pants are pretty wet."

"Yeah," I said, trying to look at my bottom, "I can't really feel it now, but I'm sure I'll be feeling it soon. I wish I had thought to bring a change of clothes. But I'm still good for drinks until midnight, if you want."

Gina looked down the road silently. I wanted so badly to know what she was thinking. Then she said, "Well, the big parties aren't really my scene. I just figure that's the thing people do on New Year's Eve."

Walking toward my car, I said, "You think that because that's what you see on TV and in the movies. So much of how we perceive life is handed to us by entertainment, it's all second-hand knowledge and it's the most powerful form of peer pressure. Most people don't go out partying on New Years Eve, but staying home and watching a movie doesn't make for a good story, so you never see that. We let the entertainment industry write the narrative of what 'normal' life should be. Life really does imitate art."

By then, we were standing at the door to my car, and Gina was giving me a smile that was obviously holding in a laugh. "Thank you for the lecture, professor," she said, starting to giggle.

Realizing I had just vamped on a topic I had been researching that week, I blushed and looked down. "Well, consider that a sneak peek at chapter 4 of my next book. Sorry. I don't always know how to do small talk."

"That's fine. It's...cute, really. But what got me thinking was when you mentioned watching a movie. Do you have drinks at your place?"

A little surprised at what I thought she was suggesting, I said a slow, "yyyyeeeessss...?"

"Then let's watch a movie there. OK?"

Bring Gina back to my house? Drink with Gina in my house? Watch a movie in the dark with Gina at my house? While a voice in my head was shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes, you moron! Why are you even debating this?" I still felt a strong reaction against the idea. It seemed...wrong. More wrong than anything else I'd done with Gina to this point. But all I had to do was look at her green eyes, wide open in anticipation of my answer, her lips drawn thin out of nervousness. "She wants to spend time with me," I thought. And that was part of the 'something' that I had been missing for so long.

"Sure, I'd love that." I gave her the address and some quick directions. She was parked a few rows over, so I waited for her to start her car before I got in mine and led the way.

*******

We got to my place around 10:15. Gina picked out a movie while I changed into dry clothes. I pulled out a bottle of wine, but Gina scrunched up her face and asked, "Anything else?" I pulled out a bottle of Kahlua and said I could mix it with Coke and ice cream. She said, "Ooooohhh! I have to try that!"

She started up the movie as I brought the drinks over. I also had a plate of Christmas cookies that I had made earlier. No need for egg-free recipes with Lynn gone, so I was trying things I hadn't made in a while. We sat on opposite ends of the couch at first. Halfway through the movie, I got up and refilled our drinks before sitting down again.

The cookies were on the end table next to me. Every once in a while, Gina would ask for one, but about two-thirds of the way through the movie, she just crawled over to my side and reached across me to get a cookie herself. When she did so, I could smell her hair. I closed my eyes and breathed deep. But at the same time, I leaned back to give her more room, instinctively trying not to touch her.

As she moved back, a cookie in hand and a bite of one in her mouth, she turned her face towards mine and smiled, crumbs on her lips. Then she settled in right next to me, moving the blanket that had been between us, covering our feet. She pulled the blanket up over her body and leaned against me. I knew we were crossing a line, and if I hadn't already seen the movie before, I would have been unable to tell you anything about the last 30 minutes of it.

Gina was clearly interested in...something. Maybe, like a lot of her peers, she was into the hook-up culture. But that didn't seem to be Gina. She knew I was married, and she knew it was complicated. But there she was, leaning against me on my couch. Taking a risk, I moved my arm from between us and put it around her, resting my hand on her elbow. She sighed and snuggled closer. I didn't dare do anything else. My mind was whirring with scenarios and fears and hopes. The dominant theme was how nice it was to be wanted by her, even if it was just wanting to snuggle and to be close.

As the movie reached its end, so did my drink and the plate of cookies. "Do you want something more?" I asked with feigned casualness.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Drink...or cookies?"

Shifting herself to face me, she said, "Not right now."

"What do you want...some more of...then...?" I was caught by her eyes searching mine, asking questions without words, hoping for answers without sound. She turned so that she was laying across me, still facing me, resting one elbow on the side of the couch. Putting her hand on my cheek, she leaned in and whispered, "Just...more."

Gina's lips touched mine, gently, feather-like. I wasn't sure at first if we had kissed. She moved in for another one, two, three gentle touches of our lips. I didn't move, and I wondered if Gina could see the battle going on in my mind. There was no question that this would be crossing several lines. This would be complicated. This could not be undone. But this felt right. This made me happy. This was what she wanted. The only one who could get hurt would be Lynn, and I suddenly didn't give a fuck if that's what happened.

Gina moved her head back and looked at my eyes, trying to tell if she had done something wrong. Those eyes, wow. So beautiful, and so vulnerable, looking like she was afraid I would reject her. Afraid that I would reject her! I had never seen that before. Moving my hands for the first time, I held the back of her head and drew her towards me. Opening my mouth, I met her lips with a slow kiss that built and built until we were gasping for breath.

Touching foreheads while be caught our breath, Gina closed her eyes and asked, "Is this OK?"

"I...I don't think so. But nothing else feels more OK to me. So...process of elimination..."

"Good enough," she said, then pulled my face down to hers. I put a hand on her side, outside her shirt. I didn't want to push things to quickly, before I was even sure how far I'd be willing to go. With all the excitement of a first kiss, we continued like that until time didn't matter. Lynn wasn't in my head, and all my fears about what could go wrong were pushed to the back of my mind. For now, there was me and Gina and the heaven I felt when our lips touched.

At some point, the New Year began, and I heard cheering in homes along the street. I was getting high on Gina's lips and thinking of what an appropriate thing to be doing to start a new year- a new life, maybe.

How do you end something like that? How do you say "stop" when the act itself is designed to progress into something more? I don't know how we stopped- each time one of us pulled away, we immediately found our tongues wrestling again. Finally, Gina pulled back and said with a smile, "You taste like cookies. I couldn't stop."

"I'll go grab another plate," I joked.

Standing up, Gina said, "No, I should head back." But she staggered a bit when she walked to the bathroom. After came back and found me in the kitchen, she said, "Gareth, I might not be able to drive..." She looked at me nervously.

A few options ran through my sleepy, tipsy, sex-charged brain. I knew I shouldn't be driving, either. I had made my drink a little stronger than Gina's and was still feeling the buzz.

"I've got a spare bedroom down here. Let me just grab some bedding. Or do you want me to call a cab?"

Gina looked relieved. "A spare bed would be great. I'm sorry to trouble you."

"Not at all. Just...don't feel like you need to sneak out or anything. I can make us breakfast in the morning, and if you're up for it, we can jog to campus together."

"Let's play it by ear. But I don't think I'll be going anywhere until late morning. How much did you put in those drinks?"

"Enough to help me relax when a beautiful woman is sitting on the couch with me, so...a lot."

She gave me a playful shove, then headed towards the room I pointed out. I got the bed ready and headed upstairs, making her promise to wake me if she needed anything, and wishing her a Happy New Year.

Walking into my bedroom, I felt awash with guilt. Something about entering the room that Lynn and I had shared for over 6 years after having just made out with another woman made the seriousness of my situation sinking in. I considered going downstairs and sleeping on the couch, or on the futon in my office, but my body was too tired to let my mind boss it around. I crawled under familiar covers and fell asleep.

*******

My dreams were vivid, erotic, passionate. Lynn was there sometimes, but Gina was the focus of my lust. In my dream we were in the Art Building on campus, going from room to room, trying to have sex. We started in the lobby and thought we were alone, Gina rubbing herself on my lap as I sat on a bench, but then I saw Lynn walking up the steps and we had to hide. We'd get into a classroom and I would almost be inside her, but then a class would start and we'd run out. We'd find a closet and I'd have my hand in her panties, but then someone would knock on the door and we'd run out. I got her to my office and was just entering her when another student walked in with questions about a paper. It seemed like she didn't notice what we'd been doing, but Gina had to sneak out.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing erection. The tricky thing about dreams is that they can give you a false sense of intimacy. Having just woken up, I was still under the impression that Gina and I were at the point where we were trying to have sex, and I almost went downstairs to the room where she was sleeping in order to finally finish what we'd started in that lobby. But as I swung my feet over the edge of the bed, my head started to clear, and I remembered the events of earlier that night and shuddered to think what would have happened if I had marched into her room and woken her up with lustful intentions.

I grabbed some tissue from my nightstand and settled for a quick jerk. I was so primed from my dreams that it took me less than a minute to squirt into the tissue. Images of Gina spread out on my office desk, just as she had been in my dream, fueled my stroking. I started to analyze my dream and considered the fear of discovery it might have been expressing. My desire for Gina was getting stronger, and at some point it had slipped from the hypothetical to the potential. But it would be a very delicate matter, and I wasn't sure if I could make it work.

*******

I woke up in the mid-morning and went down to the kitchen. I tried as quietly as possible to mix up some cinnamon rolls and heat up some chai tea. Gina cracked open the door to the guest room and peeked out at me. She gave an shy smile as she shuffled over to the bathroom. Joining me in the kitchen after a few minutes, she sat at the table and put her head down on her folded arms.

"Wake me when those rolls are done," she mumbled. I put a glass of water in front of her, and she guzzled it down. When she put the glass back down, I had a plate of sliced fruit and two mugs of spiced chai ready for us. I sat down across from her and sipped my drink while the rolls finished rising. When the oven dinged their completion, I pulled them out, put them on the table, and laughed as Gina's eyes went wide, staring at the icing I drizzled over them.

"Those smell amazing," she said in a still-sleepy voice. "What brand are they?"

"They're not instant- I like to mix my own."

She looked at me with a mix of suspicion and amazement. I chuckled and nodded my head towards the sink full of dirty mixing bowls and utensils. That was proof enough- not that she needed proof to be persuaded to start munching on one. I followed suit, and I was pleased to taste that it was a good batch.

"I can't believe people can actually do this- that you know how to cook."

"You don't?" I asked, genuinely surprised, then a little ashamed at sounding so sexist.

"Nope, and I don't plan to learn any time soon. You won't ever find me being some guy's little Suzy Housekeeper."

I smiled and pushed the plate towards her as she finished her first roll. "Help yourself. They're better fresh. And maybe they can help persuade you to at least learn how to cook for yourself."

She obliged and we each finished a second roll without comment.

Not sure how or whether to bring up the fact that we had made out on my couch the night before, I said, "Soooo..."

Gina didn't fool around. "I enjoyed last night, Gareth. I'd like to do it again, I think, but perhaps without the guest room."

My eyes went wide with shock, and when Gina saw my reaction, she almost spit her tea out, quickly saying, "No! Not like that! I just meant...I don't want to impose and not be able to get home and Oh my God, did I just make this way more awkward than it needed to be."

I relaxed and started laughing lightly. Then I decided to keep things frank. "It doesn't bother you that I'm married?"

"Well," she shrugged her shoulders, "it doesn't seem like much of a marriage. I only have your word for it, but it doesn't look like she's in the picture, right? And we're not talking about getting rings of our own or anything, right? As long as we're just keeping it low key, it's...I think it's OK with me. Are you OK with it? Or did I seduce you with my youthful charms?"