A Troll is Haunting Tex's

"Gimme five," I said. "I need to take a pee."

"Make it fast then," Steve said, coz yeah, he knew me.

"Kay," said, and I was into that bar like a shot.

The second I stepped inside that bar, I knew I'd made a mistake. Not just that I was wrongly dressed. Kevlar, a helmet and enough guns to spark off World War Three to start with and I'd sorta thought this was one of those faux upmarket Mall Bars but it wasn't. I knew that right away and maybe the first clue was the girl sitting at the table near the door, and yeah, I'm not that old but she was definitely a girl. Probably eighteen, but her eyes were older. Far older. She was pretty though. Long brown hair past her shoulders, light makeup, expertly applied. She looked good, kinda like some of my friends back in my last year at High School good.

The kind of girl a guy would take to his High School Prom. If. Big if, coz she was wearing a black leather bra with silver studs and matching short-shirts that kinda musta been painted on. I wore shorts at home like that for Steve sometimes, but not out to a bar. Wasn't just that. She was hanging all over some old dude who musta been fifty if he was a day and that dude wasn't exactly a suit.

He was big. Really big and it was muscle and those dark glasses hid his eyes and I kinda hoped that guy was her Dad or something but the way his hand sat on her thigh, I kinda doubted that and there was this wave of power of him as the doors shut behind me and the sound from the mall cut out and I looked around that bar and it wasn't exactly crowded but I knew. I'd smelt that werewolf once, the one we'd killed back when I was in College and it was that same ozone smell and I kinda knew I was pretty much fucked here 'n it wasn't like I was dressed for a quick morning drink.

"Sorry," I said. "Wrong place, I was after the vampires, not you guys."

The big guy kinda smiled and I didn't like that smile. Not one bit. "Too bad," he said, and the look he was giving me was kinda predatory. "Coz I'm kinda liking what I'm seeing here." He looked around. "You guys want Chinese for lunch?"

"It's breakfast time," I said.

"Okay, Chinese for breakfast," he said, shrugging.

"Yeah, why not," one of them said. "Gotta bug outa here anyhow, those frigging vampires 've stirred up to much crap to stay." Los Lobos, that was what that patches on the backs of their jackets said and fuck it, talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. I was in a frigging bar full of werewolf bikers. The one percent of the frigging one percent. I was so fucked.

I kept my voice real calm. "I got friends outside."

He grinned. "We're leaving through the back."

"Fine by me," I said. "You go right ahead. Just came in to borrow the washroom." Which had been, like, a totally dumb move. Shoulda just peed my panties. Probably wouldn't be the last to do that today.

"Breakfast first," he said. "Why don't you start taking those clothes of?" Jesus, this was getting real frigging scary. "Looking forward to this, haven't eaten Chinese for a while."

"Huh?" I said. And then it dawned on me. Eating Chinese. Werewolf. Me Chinese. Werewolf hungry. No fucking way, dude.

"Get your clothes off, make it easy for me to fuck you, I'll make it fast and kill you clean before I eat you." He grinned and it dawned on me that he totally wasn't frigging joking. But then, yeah, werewolves weren't big on humor either. Stall, Chloe. Think, Chloe. Fucking miracles never happen when you frigging need them.

"You wanna what?" I asked, coz yeah, that was all I could think of to say and yeah, I was kinda fucking terrified.

"Fuck you and then eat you," that huge biker snarled and the rest of them, well, let's just say those other assholes thought that was fucking funny.

He looked at me and that grin kinda spread from ear to ear, like, really and his teeth were kind of growing longer and sharper and his jaw and nose were extending and he was ripping his clothes off and that girl next to kind kinda up and bolted to the back of the room and there was frigging reddish-brown hair sprouting everywhere and he screamed as his bones cracked and his body kinda flowed.

"I'm gonna fuck you and then I'm gonna eat your heart," he growled and if his words were just about impossible to understand, his dick wasn't. I'd never seen a werewolf dick before and this one was priapically erect and it was fucking huge and I ha d a pretty good idea now of just what he wanted to do with it and that was just a big fucking no-no.

Nobody ever said werewolves were that frigging smart either.

"Yeah, as if," I said and he was changed, stretching, head back and staring at where the moon'd be if we wanted inside that frigging mall and he was howling and I guess that's why this bar was frigging soundproofed and I reached over my shoulder and yeah, I was loaded for vampire, mix of specials and AP and I had no idea which was up the spout but I'd checked before we came on in and I was loaded alright and I slid that Remington over and up in an instant and pulled the trigger before he'd even got half way through that frigging diabolical wailing and that AP round took him square in center of his neck and blew his head clean off his shoulders and went on to smash half the bottles and that huge mirror back of the bar and that look in his eyes as his head leapt into the air, I kinda wanted to laugh coz we both knew who was fucked and it sure wasn't me.

Werewolves. Might be vicious if they catch you by surprise but they're just big dumb doggies.

That brown-haired girl in the leather shorts and bra screamed and she musta been the alpha werebitch or something coz she started to turn and I wasn't fucking around here. That next shot blew her guts out and the one after took her head off and no fucking bounty on her coz the Fed's wanted the heads. Every frigging time and that AP round hadn't left a head. Fuck!

Rapid fire reload while the rest of the pack kinda looked around 'n I smiled. "Anyone else."

They looked at each other 'n not one of them moved.

"We good?" I asked, "Coz I got no beef with you dudes." I smiled. "Said I was after vampires but I'm gonna take his skin. We good?"

"Not after us?" one of them asked.

"Nope," I said. "I'm cool. All I want's his skin. Rest of you didn't have anything to do with this far as I'm concerned." Coz fuck, there were a dozen of them and one of me and this was a five round gun.

"Red was a dumb asshole," one of them said. "He was gonna bring the heat down on us one day." He looked around and I guess he was gonna step up into Red's shoes coz not one of them argued. He looked back at me. "We're good."

I didn't wait. None of them had tried to change and I could get the first one that started to turn no problem. I knelt down, Remington close to hand, MUSAT knife out and I kept it razor sharp for a reason. Took me a few minutes to work that pelt off and yeah, I went hunting with Steve, I'd skinned carcasses before. Never a werewolf but if a girl wants a rug, she's gotta do what a girl's gotta do but my hands were frigging bloody before I finished.

"You guys get this out of the Mall for me coz it's gonna go down big time here soon, leave it somewhere safe for me?" I asked.

"Yeah, we can do that," one of them said, real frigging deferential. Guess that's what seeing your boss guy have his head blown off and then skinned does. Can't say I objected coz I'd taken Red by surprise. Wasn't sure it'd work again. Didn't need more than one rug either and Red, he'd been a big dude. Plenty big enough for a rug in front of the fire. If I get outa this Mall.

"You guys getting outa here?" I asked.

"Yeah, we're bailing out," that same dude, the new Alpha I guess, said. "Frigging zombies, pain in the ass but they won't stop us."

"You got somewhere you can leave this for me?" I kind of gestured at the skin.

"What's your cell number?"

I exchanged it with the dude.

"Text you an address," he said. "We're leaving town, it'll be inside, behind the bar. That good enough?"

"Yeah, that's good." Would be if I got outa this mall alive anyhow.

"We good here then?" They all looked at me. Like, fuck, what was I. The Wolf Queen or something. Like fuck.

"We're good here. You guys bug out," I said. "Get outa town, okay. Got nothing against you guys, but there's gonna be a lot of frigging monster hunting going on around here for a while now. You wanna get outa town before the Feds get here." Least I could do for them for not pushing it.

"Yeah, we'll do that."

I didn't wait for anything more. I holstered my Remington. I smiled at them. I turned my back on them and I walked right back out of that bar without a backwards glance. Did breathe a sigh of relief when that door closed behind me.

"What kept you?" Steve said, looking a bit impatient.

"Took a bit longer to pee than I thought it would," I said. Like, why the fuck didn't you dudes come looking for me? But no point in saying that.

"What happened to your hands?" EB asked and Cuddles kinda sniffed them.

"Time of the month," I said. "Forgot to bring pads."

MelissaBaby and Barefootgirl kinda sniggered and the guys looked totally embarrassed. Works every time. "Just kidding," I said. "Had to kill a werewolf."

"Shut it down with the jokes, Chloe," Steve said. "Gus called, they're tracked the vampires down into the basement service area, kinda makes sense but the cops 're trapped, vampires 've got them pinned."

"We're going down to rescue them?" I asked, kinda flatly.

"We're going down to rescue them and kill the frigging vampires," Steve said.

"Fuck!" Guess so. Wasn't looking forward to it.

He grinned kinda mirthlessly. "Thought you might say that. You wanna go with the Mall Security guys instead. You gotta run catch up."

"What're they doing?"

"Getting the frigging civilians rounded up and moving 'em to the mall entrance and trying to the the Guard to come escort them outa here. Gotta hold those zombies off as well." I looked and there went half a dozen security guys, no frigging real guns, just itsy bitsy little handguns, spreading out down the mall, rounding up civilians. Only half of those civilians had no idea something was going on or what was outside in the parking lot waiting for them and they'd got no frigging idea there was a vampires nest in the basement and they didn't want to be rounded up and hey, security guards, who the fuck was going to listen to them. This was Texas.

Some of those civilians might have enough frigging guns that maybe some of them could look after themselves for a few minutes at least. Wouldn't make much difference in the long run, none of them'd have enough ammo to deal with those zombies out there. Nope, if they didn't listen, they were pretty much fucked and nothing we could do about that. Maybe the Feds and the Guard'd get in here fast enough to rescue some of them. Whatever, I was going wherever Steve went, even if that was into the gates of frigging hell.

"Nah, I'm coming with you, Steve. Don't yank my chain." Speaking of which, I never had got to pee and now I really frigging needed to. Badly. Wasn't going back in that bar though. Once was enough. If I had to, I'd pee my pants. I knew I was going to the moment I saw another vampire anyhow.

"Let's stop fucking around then," Steve said, moving out and we moved after him fast coz he was frigging jog trotting to the escalators and heading down and we were following him, him and Tex coz Tex'd been here before he had a pretty good idea of where to go but he was happy for Steve and Jason to take point and frigging hell, somebody I knew at the bottom of the escalator.

"Snoopy," I yelled. "Hey Uncle Snoopy," 'n he saw me and looked and waved and Snoopy, he was an old friend of my granddad's. Been a helicopter pilot back in the day in 'Nam and he knew both my granddads.

"Chloe," he yelled back as I came down that escalator and he was kinda looking at all the guys and girls with guns I was with. "What is this? Civil War Two?" he asked, coz fuck, he did know me.

"Nah," I said, jumping off and grabbing his arm. "Come with me Snoopy, there's a frigging zombie horde outside in the parking lot and there's vampires in the basement and guess where we're going."

Snoopy looked at me and he looked at the guys and he'd been around. "Fuck," he said. "Anyone got a spare gun?" and he was moving with is. Snoopy was that kinda guy.

"Take this," I said, giving him my Springfield. "Mags in my Camelbak." He stick his hand in as we moved and found a few and Steve was taking us through a "Mall Staff Only" door except it was locked which didnlt slow him down coz he just unslung his Remington and fired and kicked the door open and we barely paused before we were heading on in and down some stairs. The crash of gunfire echoed through the corridors and ductwork and someone down here was alive and we went on down that next flight of stairs and there was a body on the floor.

Cop. Dead. M4 and Snoopy had his gun and he caught me up a couple of minutes later as we hit an intersection and that was when they hit us. All four directions at once and they were frigging vampires alright, fast and silent and I caught the flash of movement in my peripheral vision and turned and fired and I wasn't the only one coz gunfire lashed out in all directions and some vampire screamed inhumanly as it was laced with fire from ColdDiesel's Owen SMG and frigging hell, the firepower we put out just mowed those vampires down.

Too easily.

"New," PuckIt said. "These're new, last few days. Take the heads and stake 'em quick," and we did. Knives and swords and MelissaBaby's axe chopping through heads and we were running out of stakes before we moved on and PuckIt's Vampire Hounds were scenting the air, eager now and it was frigging hard to keep up with them when they burst into a large warehouse space and yeah, I kinda peeed myself right about then coz we're talking vampire nests, right.

This was a frigging vampires nest. Tall vampires. Short vampires. Thin vampires. Fat vampires and there were so many of them and they were looking at us. "Food," one of them hissed, and there must have been a hundred in that room and there was the one at the far end, seated. The only one seated, female, old, ageless, ancient and forever young. Forever beautiful, a young woman with the head of a bat and I knew. The legends were true.

Camazotz.

I shot her. With a special. That silver coated hollowpoint ripped into her and she hammered back against the wall, screaming. Screaming as I fired shell after shell into her body and the others, those that could, were firing past me and then Steve yanked me back and he was holding that RPG7 and Jason was there with his VK-12 gunning down vampires as they backed up towards those intersecting hallways and Steve pointed that RPG7 into the room and there was that moment where I realized what he was doing and that everyone else was outa range of the backwash except me and Lovecraft and Voboy

Steve pulled the trigger.

"Fuck," I screamed 'n I grabbed Voboy's arm in one hand and Lovecrafts in the other and I kinda dragged them both sideways though the half open doorway next to me as the flame from that frigging rocket propelled grenade launcher washed down the corridor setting everything on fire 'n Lovecraft pulled us both in and slammed that firedoor shut coz whatever else happened we weren't going back that way coz that fire was already serious and what the fuck had Steve been thinking.

But I knew that coz I'd been right up his ass when he went through that last door and that frigging storeroom had been full of frigging vampires and the explosion shook the walls and floor of the room we were in and then there were more explosions and rapid gunfire. Lovecraft went to open the door again but Voboy stopped him.

"Check the temperature."

We all did and it was fucking hot, as in, I could feel that heat though my tactical gloves and that meant that fire on the other side was really burning coz this was one of those steel fire-doors.

"Well, hello there, just in time, my little Peony was feeling hungry."

That voice, it did not sound good and when we turned around, it was obvious what Peony was but misnomer didn't begin to describe Peony. Demon from hell was a better description.

"Enjoy your dinner," Peony and that dude left the room through the other door. The only other door. We didn't even look at each other. We opened fire, simultaneously and yes, I'm fast. Not fast enough coz next second I'd crashed into the back wall and it was like I'd been kicked by a mule and the bullets weren't doing anything much to it and I musta missed with mine coz it hit me so fast and hard.

Voboy and Lovecraft dropped their guns and barreled into the frigging demon, Lovecraft with his katana and Voboy with his Randall Model 5 and I knew how sharp those were and they barely cut the thing's skin and what the fuck was it? Whatever it was, it laughed as they hacked desperately at it and that frigging demon was fast coz it tossed Lovecraft aside like a toy and it was on Voboy, claws rending, mouth opened wide, wider still and Voboy jammed his Randall Model 5 down it's throat and he'd found a weak point coz it screamed as he cut it's tongue out and threw it over his shoulder.

Screamed and swung and his claws slashed across Voboy's throat and the arterial blood fountained as Snoopy threw himself into the fight and then poor 'ol Snoopy's head was flying through the air and Voboy was holding his artery with one hand and pulling a handgun out and that demon was toying with Voboy, just toying with him as he emptied the magazine and my crucifix was flaring even half-dazed, I knew that meant something and struggled to remember.

I had that watergun loaded with holy water and that demon was toying with Voboy and just frigging ignoring me 'n I took a deep breath and struggled to my feet and Jesus, I felt fucking bad 'n my DD and my Remington were gone, up against the wall behind Lovecraft and Voboy and I had my 1911'a and my little Ruger and they weren't gonna be enough.

"Gonna fuck

I took that watergun outa my camelback and yeah, it was full and that demon was laughing and I did the only thing I could think of coz my crucifix was just flaring under my Kevlar and that meant this thing was something truly unholy and my watergun, it was loaded with holywater and that and my 1911's and my little Ruger were all I had left. Well, my knife and katana but I'd seen what'd happened to Lovecraft's katana 'n I didn't think mine 'd be any better.

"Jesus Christ and all the Saints help me," I prayed, 'n I jammed that watergun nozzle straight up that demon's ass 'n I held that trigger down and it was one of those battery-powered high pressure waterguns and it fucking pumped that demon's asshole full of two liters of holy water in about ten seconds flat 'n it was all I could do to keep that nozzle and barrel up it's ass coz it frigging reared up and then it screamed.

An insane scream of pain and agony and if was anything like a vampire, that had to frigging hurt. When I dived backwards, that nozzle had melted clean away and that demon's asshole was smoking and my watergun was totally fucked and there was no way I was ever using anything that'd been that far up a demon's asshole so I tossed it right there and then. That look of outraged agony and pain on that demon's hideous face woulda brought joy to my soul except I didn't have much to fight back with except ... my frigging silver crucifix burning under my Kevlar and I jerked it out and broke the chain and threw it at the demon's face and it frigging stuck like it was glued, smack on that ghastly kisser and then it burst into frigging flames.

Incandescent white flame that ate away the flesh and the demon was clawing at its face and its frigging claws caught fire and it was wailing and screaming like, well, a frigging demon from the nether pits and it's asshole wasn't smoking anymore, flames were shooting out and I kinda winced coz Jesus, that must frigging hurt and it's eyeballs had melted now, most of its face was gone and my Remington was close now, real frigging close.