Afterglow Pt. 04

The only thing I had to look forward to during the week was Olivia curled up with me on the sofa. Toronto's big body would squeeze between us as we watched mindless TV.

I asked her one night if she wanted to go over to her place. She asked me if that was a subtle way to ask for space, to which I replied a fervent "no". It did strike me, however, that we'd spent every night together for the past week.

Which brought me back to wondering if we should go over to her apartment for a change. I felt bad for taking her completely out of her element of creativity and freedom and dragging her into my world of gloom and furniture that didn't match (it seemed like she was far more upset about my mismatching furniture). I'd uprooted her life and I felt guilty that she was intent on sharing my burden. She wanted to know everything about my job, what I was doing, how I was feeling. She was just as sad as I was about Rose.

A few days later I pressed the issue again. Surely she missed the open, inviting, gorgeous brownstone that almost everyone envied. She waved me off and changed the subject. Then I thought maybe Toronto was a factor. I said I could have my neighbor watch him for one night. Finally she admitted she just liked it at my place.

"I like the simple life."

I scooped some dog food into Toronto's bowl and glanced at her. "I'll take that as a compliment, I think."

Though Robert told me a bit about what was going on with Rose's case, I wanted to see her in person and apologize.

Sitting across from them, I thought to myself that I should have left it alone, especially with Felicity barking in my face.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "At least Robert's a good lawyer. He's a prick, but he's a good lawyer. And he always wants to win. He's going to be an animal in that courtroom opposite Landon, trust me."

Felicity's face screwed up. "Trust you? Believe me, I don't fucking—"

"We only have a little more than 2 weeks before they let Dan out for violating the protective order," Rose cut in, looking terrified. I could tell she was fighting hard to keep it together. "What then?"

"It's the state's duty to protect you. The protective order will go back into effect and I imagine they'll keep him under close watch." My attempt to sound optimistic was shitty, and both girls watched me closely. "I'm sorry I didn't do a better job for you. I wish I could be the one by your side, but it truly is out of my control. I've essentially been demoted; you should see the case files being dropped on my desk now. Most of them won't even warrant me going into court. It's just to keep my busy."

"I'm sorry," Rose breathed. "I feel like it's my fault, you know, because I withheld that information. I never thought it would come up. I should have known. It was just so humiliating!"

I cut in before Felicity could go off on some well-meaning but loud and brusque diatribe about how Rose needs to stop blaming herself and to stop falling back into the victim mindset. Whatever information Felicity read online in the support groups she'd joined and the lessons they were getting from their therapy sessions were certainly helpful, but it wasn't always the time or place to whip them out.

Though it was sweet she tried, I guess. It reminded me a little of Olivia, who still ranted and raved about my unofficial demotion. She wanted me to "do something about it", but there wasn't much to be done. I gave Roger an excuse. On paper, it made perfect sense that he handed the case over, and no one could say I wasn't being given work. Still, it boiled Olivia's blood. The fact she cared so much was just another way she was amazing.

"It's absolutely not your fault. I didn't mean to make you feel bad...I just want you to know I'm powerless when it comes to this. Landon played this like a dick, my boss sniffed failure and remembered I had a vagina. It would have happened eventually. I was bound to make an error somewhere, you know? I just wish it wasn't on this case." I took a big gulp of wine. "You—both of you—have come to mean a lot to me. I care about you. I want the two of you to be safe and happy. I can't be the one who brings about the safety and the happiness, but I do believe in Robert's experience and ability. Landon even swallows hard when Robert performs. He's won a few big cases against Landon in the past."

I smiled, reveling in the memories I had of Robert turning Landon into a stuttering mess. It wasn't often, but when it happened it was divine.

I focused my attention back on the two girls across from me. "I asked Robert to keep me updated on the case, okay? I might not be able to represent you, but I want to help any way I can. And now I'm invested; I can't let go."

Felicity offered me a small smile. It was practically a fucking miracle coming from her. She hated my guts. "I think you care maybe a little too much. You're very passionate."

"Ah, and there is my fatal flaw," I laughed. "Passion is good in a courtroom but if you get too close or distracted being passionate in real life..." I looked away. "Lorna Stone was very important. I missed her. I was over-confident and distracted by a lot of bullshit."

Rose tore apart a piece of bread. "So what kind of jail time are we looking at, if he gets time? Or prison?"

I'd said to Rose and Felicity that we weren't looking at a great deal of jail time after this trial, but in the flurry of courtroom drama and Robert taking over, I feared they might have forgotten.

"90 days."

The women looked at one another. They were expressionless. I prepared myself for tears. I figured Felicity was going to leap over the table and strangle me. That's what I imagined, anyway.

Instead they looked back at me, both faces sober and pale.

"How the fuck is that possible?" Felicity asked.

"It's the best chance we have of getting jail time on his record. If he were to do anything when released, we would be able to get more. Let's hope this bout of law enforcement will influence him to move on."

"Law enforcement?" Rose asked in disbelief. "Do I have to be nearly dead before they do something to him? He violated me in so many ways. Broke into my apartment. Did disgusting stuff to my things. Those voicemails he left... I'll never get his voice out of my head, or the mental picture of the things he promised."

I looked down at my hands, wishing there was more I could do. "I'm sorry, Rose."

She snorted and my eyes swept up. "Unreal." She downed her glass of wine. "I remember you saying he likely wouldn't get a lot of jail time but... 90 days."

Felicity pushed Rose's hair over her shoulder. "It'll be okay, Rose."

"No. No, it won't." Unshed tears gleamed in her eyes. Her sorrowful gaze met mine. "He's never going to stop, is he? That's sort of what you're banking on. He'll have to keep hunting me before you can really do anything. Right?"

"Robert will—"

"I don't want to feel like this anymore!" Rose burst out. "He's going to hunt me forever. He won't let go. He won't let go because he's a sick, twisted, perverted nightmare."

There was no point in answering and continuing the conversation. It only made us feel horrible. We needed a distraction, something happy and fun. A strange thought came into my head. I talked myself out of it a few times but then figured what the hell could happen.

"Do you two want to come over tomorrow night?" The next day was Friday. Perfect. "We'll have dinner. Some drinks. Play with my dog. You can meet my," I took a breath and swallowed, "meet my girlfriend."

It was the first time I referred to Olivia as my girlfriend and I liked it.

Rose and Felicity did a double-take.

Felicity spoke first. "What?"

"My girlfriend. My partner."

"I'm confused," Rose said, a small smile creeping across her face. "You're gay?"

I shrugged because I didn't have an answer to that question. "Her name is Olivia. You'll like her. Let me give you my address."

OOOOOO

I went home to an empty apartment that night. Olivia was meeting a friend and it was so close to her place that it just didn't make sense for her to come back over. Plus I thought it was a good idea to give us space—even if it was only for the night.

My apartment still felt uncomfortably vacant and I could smell the faint hint of her musky perfume. She'd even left some of her shoes and clothes strewn about (I was shocked to learn how messy she was).

At least I had Toronto, who charged towards me when I was two steps into the apartment. He jumped up and pushed with his paws, his huge tongue lolling from the side of his mouth. He looked ridiculous, my silly dog. I burst out laughing, rubbing behind his ears and giving his snout a big smooch.

I took Toronto out, shivering as it flurried. I grumbled to myself that the forecast had not fucking mentioned flurries. I peered up at the sky, studying its beautiful and unique shade of purple. A few people brushed past me but I ignored them. Toronto sat next to me, content to just have me near. I reached down to give him a little pet.

That's when I felt that unpleasant sensation someone was watching me. My head whipped around but I didn't spot anyone. I told myself I was being crazy, that no one was looking at me. I throughly investigated the block with my eyes and saw no one staring. That didn't account for the windows of the apartments all around us. I shuddered and walked us back home, pausing now and then to make sure no one was following.

The blocks closer to my apartment were more crowded with people which should've been comforting, but instead it made me even more uneasy. It could be anyone, anywhere.

My hand shook as I put the key into the lobby door. It slammed behind me, and though I knew no one could get in without a key, fear continued to pump through my body. I rushed Toronto upstairs and fumbled with the lock to my apartment. Then we were inside, into my relatively safe apartment.

The walls appeared to be closing in on me. I hated that Olivia wasn't with me, and I hated that I needed her even more. I found my phone and wanted to call her, but it wouldn't have been fair. While I'd been out, she called me. Instead of leaving a voicemail, she sent me a little text saying she'd see me tomorrow night. It was ridiculous how much I craved her.

There were other friends I could call, but we talked so sporadically. Our relationships weren't that strong, either, so it didn't seem like something I could talk to them about. Jackie wasn't an option, either. As much as I liked her, her mouth was far too big. All I needed was a whisper of me being paranoid going around the office.

I made Ramen and barely ate it. Afterwards I put the TV on and stared numbly at the screen before growing tired of the harsh flashing lights. Toronto followed me to the bedroom and jumped up next to me, grateful to have his side of the bed back.

I lay there for a while, wondering what prompted me to have such anxiety. I knew no one was watching me—or at the very least, I strongly doubted it.

But what if someone was?

I finally understood how Rose felt. I really got it that night.

It was so lonely, tragic, tiring, sad and terrifying. How she got out of bed every morning, how she carried her body to work and kept it together was beyond me.

I remembered when I first met Rose and Felicity. Felicity had shoved some photos at me, illustrating how different Rose looked after months and months of torture. My then impersonal eye glanced at them and I thought it was a shame. A pang of remorse struck my chest. Rose was beautiful and confident in those old photos. Her dark hair was streaked with flattering blonde highlights and her skin was tanned, of course. Her smile was wide and incredible. She was the woman most girls would kill to be.

When I looked up at the Rose of today, she looked like a meek girl who had never said "no" in her life. She'd stopped dying her hair so that now it was a dull honey brown. Her red-rimmed eyes met mine and I could tell she read my thoughts from either my expression or my body language. Or maybe she was projecting and we just happened to be thinking the same thing.

"I don't have much reason to be glamorous or happy lately," she explained. Her cheeks reddened. "I know I look like shit."

I'd protested. Felicity had protested. But Rose wouldn't be persuaded.

Because the truth was she did look like shit. Dan had sucked the life out of her. He stole the bloom from her cheeks, the youthful exuberance all her files and contacts spoke about, the ability to do basic things without worrying and the carefree happiness of a girl who didn't know how dark the world could be.

As I went to bed, I made a vow I'd see Dan pay for what he'd done to her.

OOOOOO

My alarm went off the next morning. I hit snooze as many times as I could, but Toronto began whining and I knew he had to go out.

I pulled my sore body from bed and did all my necessary chores. I was sipping my coffee when my phone rang. Olivia's name popped up on the screen. My eyebrows lifted; I was shocked she was up so early.

"Hey," I answered.

"Elizabeth." Is it possible to miss a voice? Because I'd missed her voice. "How was last night? Dinner and everything?"

"Okay." I swallowed hard, not wanting to tell her about my ridiculous freak-out. "Rose and Felicity are fine, all things considered. They're not thrilled about the whole 90 day thing."

"Neither am I," she sighed. "Your legal system confuses me sometimes."

It confused me, too.

I sat at my kitchen table and stared out the window. "How was your night?"

"Lovely. I want you to meet Eric one day. I think you two might hit it off."

"Good. I'm glad you had a nice time." There was a few seconds of taut silence. I bit my lip to keep from breaking the quiet first and saying the words that ran across my mind on repeat, but it wouldn't work. "I missed you."

Olivia didn't answer right away. Then I heard her clear her throat. "I can't believe you just said that. I didn't think you were emotionally ready for that kind of talk."

Ouch. "I'm practicing this new way of life... Saying how I feel. I like it so far."

"I missed you, too. I didn't mean to tease you."

"It's fine."

"I was patronizing you. I really am sorry."

Toronto collapsed on my feet. It was uncomfortable for me but I knew he loved it. "Are you coming over tonight?"

"May I?"

"Please. I invited Rose and Felicity over, too. I think we could all use a night of relaxation."

I could hear Olivia's smile through the phone. "That sounds wonderful."

OOOOO

Felicity didn't like dogs. She regarded Toronto with poorly disguised disgust. "He smells, doesn't he?"

"Shut up. He does not." Rose was a bit embarrassed, but I was sure at that point she was mostly used to Felicity's ways. Even I was becoming accustomed to them and wasn't insulted. Olivia, on the other hand, didn't understand the dynamic and therefore felt the need to defend both Toronto and me.

"Toronto is a splendid dog," she declared, her silky voice rising a note too loud. "He hardly smells at all, and Elizabeth would never neglect him."

I grabbed Olivia's hand and whispered, "It's okay," in her ear. She settled down a little but I could tell she didn't care much for Felicity. It amused me to an extent, especially because they shared a few qualities.

I'd ordered take-out because I didn't want to make Olivia cook and Lord knows I couldn't even make toast. We sat down at my table. The awkwardness was heavy and I could sense Rose was thinking of a way to diffuse it.

"Olivia," she began, "what do you do for a living?"

Olivia smiled kindly. "I'm an artist."

"Really? That's great. I work in publishing." She turned to Felicity and I spotted her bugging her eyes, silently begging Felicity to participate. When Felicity ignored her and grabbed a roll, Rose sighed. "Felicity is in real estate. She's really wonderful at what she does."

I wanted to do something but I wasn't sure what. This wasn't exactly going the way I'd hoped. I stared at the wine with great envy, wishing I could drink the whole bottle myself.

Olivia must've picked up on my gloominess because she started talking. "You know, I never understood the art of real estate until I found my place. It was so much work; I have no idea how my agent managed."

"Right?" Rose laughed. It was the first time I saw her laugh. "I've asked Felicity to explain things to me before and it's just like, whoosh, over my head."

Felicity grumpily entered the conversation. "I went to school for it. If you went to school for it you could do the same thing."

"Yeah, but you're, like, amazing at it. Selling."

Felicity shrugged her shoulders and then looked between me and Olivia. "How did the two of you end up together? You don't exactly fit, if you don't mind my saying so."

"Jesus Christ, Felicity," Rose groaned under her breath.

"At one of Olivia's painting exhibits," I responded quickly in hopes of smoothing over any awkwardness.

Olivia ran the back of her knuckles down the side of my jaw. "Yes. I was struck by Elizabeth and approached her. She was on a miserable date. I was her savior."

Was it really so simple? We shared a heated look. Yes. Yes, it was.

I blinked and tried to get back on track. Rose and Felicity were watching us knowingly.

I turned my gaze on Felicity. "How did you two meet? You never told me."

Felicity began to smile, unable to fight it. Rose laughed again. It warmed my heart that she was getting even a little enjoyment out of this. I reached over and poured her more wine.

"Rose came to one of my friend's concerts. She was drunk and teetering around or whatever and tripped. Her entire drink went down my shirt. She tried to," Felicity broke off to laugh, "she tried to take a step back and clean me off, but she ended up tripping and landing on her knees...with her face completely in my crotch. Open-mouthed, might I add, since she was shrieking when she fell."

We all laughed—even Olivia.

"Clearly that won me over." Felicity looked over at Rose and it was obvious that wasn't the only thing that brought and kept them together, but it was all they cared to share.

Olivia hopped up and plugged her iPhone in to put on some music. She played some fun stuff and dragged Rose out of her seat.

"Dancing time!"

Felicity didn't know what the hell to do. She glanced at me, utterly confused.

Rose giggled as Olivia twirled her around. Felicity calmed; her entire face softened and that was a sight as strange to me as Rose smiling and laughing. It hit me how hard everything must've been on Felicity, too. I generally thought of her as a pain in the ass, and maybe she was, but she was being particularly pushy about this because she loved that girl.

She caught me watching her and rolled her eyes. "What?"

"I know you might think you're not doing enough for her, but you are. That you're standing by her, and loving her, and trying to protect her is enough."

"Right."

"I mean it, you brat."

Felicity studied me for a beat and then swallowed the rest of her wine. "I'm terrified."

"I know."

"Sometimes I think I'm more terrified than she is."

I inhaled deeply. "Maybe you are."

Felicity poured more wine into her glass, watching me from the corner of her eye. "What if he gets off? What if he gets sentenced? There's no happy ending here." She laughed bitterly. "Do you know that her parents think she's just being too sensitive? Overreacting? They're mad she's with me. They don't get it. He makes more sense to them, even though they know he's abusive. Isn't that fucked up?"

"I think you two have a lot on your plate. Deal with her parents later. And as for those two outcomes, you're right. They both suck. But one is better than the other. Let's shoot for that." I took some more wine, too. A nice buzz was what I needed.