Afterglow Pt. 04

I looked out at Rose and my girlfriend (it was becoming fun and easy to say that) dancing, having a great time.

"Did you really get demoted?" Felicity asked.

I chugged down some wine. "Yep."

"I'm sorry I've been up your ass. I know it's not your fault. It's just hard to be calm when everything is so scary." Felicity clinked her glass with mine. "But let's make a toast to better outcomes."

Smiling, I clinked my glass against hers. "To better outcomes."

OOOOOO

A few weeks later I came home from work and stopped short when I noticed Rose sitting outside my door. The girls stopped by a few times since our dinner, once to drop off a bottle of wine as a thank you and another time to just say hello. This didn't appear to be one of those times. I walked towards her slowly and she looked up.

She stood and folded her arms over her body protectively. "He gets out tomorrow. They're letting him go a few days early."

I didn't answer, turning instead to unlock my apartment door. My thoughts were scattered and murky. How could I have lost track? How could Robert not have told me? I needed to sit down. Looking at Rose, I knew she definitely needed to sit down...and maybe a shot of vodka, too.

Olivia wouldn't be coming by that night. We'd gotten better at spending nights apart—though neither of us liked it very much. Still, she had her work and her own place, and I think both of us were terrified of pushing ourselves too much and too fast. When I say "ourselves", I mean me. We'd also gotten into a bit of a fight earlier that week. She overheard me turning my mom down for brunch, coming up with all sorts of excuses, and confronted me. It wasn't pretty.

Rose jumped when Toronto leapt towards her. Her elbow banged into the wall and she cursed.

"Sorry. Let me put him in the bedroom." I bent down and gave him a good belly rub to let him know he wasn't in trouble.

"No," Rose said. "He's fine. I just forgot."

I glanced at her. "Okay, if you're sure. Let me know if you change your mind. Want something to drink?"

Rose sighed and crossed the room to fall onto my sofa. "No, Elizabeth, I don't want anything to drink. I'm too furious to drink anything."

"Does Felicity know?"

Rose shook her head, eyes wide. "Hell no. Can you imagine?"

"I'm sorry. At least the trial is coming up."

"And so, if he's sentenced, he can serve 90 days? That's not really comforting, Elizabeth. I know we've been over this but I lie awake at night and just...I'm not afraid for myself anymore. It's not about me anymore."

I cocked my head, not sure what she meant. She smiled a little when she saw my face, though her face remained hard and her eyes stayed sad.

"It's different when you love somebody. That's why Felicity has been having a coronary since this whole thing started. She tries to fight so hard for me that she forgets to fight for herself. He threatened her, too, but she doesn't even care." She wiped a tear away from her eye and groaned with frustration. "I care. I care about her so much. I don't want her to be sad or worried or angry. I just want her to be happy. I hate what this is doing to her."

"Rose—"

"When he first started harassing me," she went on, "I was terrified. Terrified he was going to hurt me or humiliate me or kill me. I was scared I was going to die. Then I met Felicity. She nurtured me, loved me. Reminded me that people can be good. Love can be good." She smiled a bit. "Sex can be good."

"I'm happy you met her," I said quietly.

Rose watched me for a moment, seemingly looking for the right words to say. "I'm not afraid of dying anymore. There are worse things than death. Seeing Felicity hurt or tormented would be the worst kind of hell for me. She could survive without me...You've seen how strong she is. I wouldn't last a day."

"I think you're selling yourself short."

Rose smirked for the first time since I'd met her. "I think you're being kind. My fire went out a long time ago. If I was being completely honest, I'd say Dan already killed a part of me when we were together. And then after, when I ran away, he did a good job of carving off another chunk." She laughed mirthlessly. "God, I used to be fun, Liz. I used to have witty things to say."

"No, Rose, come on. You are fun. You do have witty things to say. It's just going to take time to really feel it."

She got up, a small smile lingering on her face. It was a resigned smile. She believed what she said earlier, and no matter what I said I wouldn't be able to change her mind. Therapy was too slow a process for immediate benefits, but it frightened me she was slipping back into such a defeatist mindset. It broke my fucking heart.

I closed my eyes tight, hoping more than I'd hoped for anything that Dan would get fucking shanked before being released. UnChristian, unkind, cruel. I couldn't help it. Maybe it really was a good thing I wasn't the lead on this case.

"Thanks for listening, Elizabeth. Obviously I couldn't talk to Felicity about this, and we've distanced ourselves from most of our friends."

I stood, too, and impulsively hugged her. She was still in my arms for a moment. Then she exhaled and nearly sank into my body.

"It's going to be okay," I whispered in her ear.

She didn't respond.

Eventually we pulled away from one another.

"Take care of Felicity for me, okay?"

"Are you planning on running away?" I asked, trying to make a joke of it.

She was dreadfully serious. "Please?"

"Rose, nothing is going to happen."

"I know," she said, but not convincingly. She kissed my cheek. "I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me."

"Thank me when they're putting him back in handcuffs."

Rose struggled hiding her smile. "Oh, Elizabeth. Felicity was right. You have a lot of passion. Obstinate passion." She took my hand and shook it. "Thank you. Really."

"It's going to be all right," I insisted. It had to be.

"I'm not afraid of him anymore, Liz. Not on my account, anyway. Don't worry."

She gave me one last smile—wider than any before—and pet Toronto before slipping out of my apartment.

I felt uneasy after her visit. I tried to watch TV but I couldn't focus my attention on anything people were saying. Toronto also seemed restless so we went out for a big walk, even as snow fell. We were supposed to get six inches. I rolled my eyes as young and drunk idiots skated on the ice in the middle of the streets, laughing boisterously as cabs slammed on the brakes.

When it became too cold and too late to walk any further, we went back to my apartment. Olivia hadn't called or texted me goodnight. For once I decided to take the initiative and call her. For some reason I really, really needed to hear her voice.

"Hi," she answered. Her voice was raspy. Hmm. I'd caught her smoking one afternoon when she couldn't finish one of her paintings and we had a big argument about it.

"Have you been smoking again?"

"Ha! No. I fell asleep."

"Oh." Silence. "I'm sorry for waking you."

"It is no problem. You sound weird. Are you okay?"

I sat down and toyed with a knotted strand of hair. "I'm okay, yeah. I'm sorry for bothering you. I just..." I took a deep breath. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Baby," she whispered. "Do you want me to come over?"

"Yes, but don't. It's too late."

"It really isn't. I'll get a cab and—"

"I love you."

She didn't say anything for what felt like an eternity. "You do?" It sounded like she might be crying.

"Yes."

"And you're telling me over the phone."

"I'm sorry. You know I'm not romantic."

Olivia laughed and the sound of it radiated warmth through my body. "Yes, you are. You're the biggest romantic I know." I opened my mouth to disagree but she shut me up when she whispered, "I love you, too. So much it hurts me. So much it scares me."

"Why does everyone make love out to be so great? It's uncomfortable. I'm aching and weepy and anxious."

"You'll feel differently when you see me."

"You think?"

"You still don't want me to come over?"

I sighed. It was 1:30am. The weight of uneasiness hadn't entirely lifted from my chest, but it was a relief to tell Olivia how I felt about her. Finally. And to have her feel it back!

"No. It's too late. We both should get some sleep." She made a noise of agreement. "I love you, Olivia Beringer, you crazy artist."

"I love you, too, Elizabeth Quilty, you crazy romantic."

OOOOOO

My alarm went off. I groaned, not ready to get up yet. Blindly I reached for my phone but then I saw Jackie's name illuminated on the screen and realized I was actually receiving a phone call. It was only 4am. Nothing good happens at 4am.

"Jackie?"

"Elizabeth." So much was packed in that one word, in that utterance of my name. Something was wrong. Something terrible happened. "I thought I'd call you. They probably wouldn't want me to but—"

"What's wrong?"

Jackie sniffled. "The stalking case. Rose Sherman? She's been shot."

Everything stopped. "What?"

"That's all I know. I'm so sorry, Liz, I know you are close with them."

My fingers were ice cold as they clutched my cell. "Is she dead?"

"I don't think so. I don't know. They rushed her off to hospital."

"Her girlfriend?" I asked. My voice was eerily calm. I was in total shock, though rationally I shouldn't have been.

"I don't know. I'm sorry. They just called me to come in so I could rearrange some appointments for them this—"

"Thank you," I said abruptly before disconnecting.

I called Felicity. No answer.

I swung my legs out from under the comforter and placed my bare feet on the freezing wood floor. Toronto stretched out across the bed, knocking his hot paw against my arm. I stared out the window at the streetlight which illuminated the falling snowflakes. There was a quiet in those minutes I never wish to experience again.

Finally I gathered the fortitude to stand, to wash, to dress. I ran Toronto out and then fed him. Grabbed my keys. All mundane things, only it felt like my heart had stopped beating, that my mind and body operated on auto-pilot.

My boots sank into the snow as I passed the rowdy late night drunk crowd and got into a yellow cab.

I told the driver to take me to the hospital. He eyed me warily and then sped off, skidding every now and then on the falling snow.

A bit later I spied the hospital ahead, lit up like a beacon. The driver pulled me up to the ER entrance and muttered the fare. I didn't hear him and he repeated himself a few times.

I didn't want to leave that cab. Sitting there I was blissfully ignorant. I could replay my last meeting with Rose over and over again, remember her smiling face and tell myself there was no possible way she wasn't all right. Perhaps Olivia was right when she called me a romantic. Even Rose and Felicity had teased me for my supposed passion. It would make sense to me now, since I could barely get myself to walk into the hospital and face reality.

"Miss?" the driver prodded me again, a little more fervently. I handed him the cash and stepped out onto the freshly fallen snow.

Then I headed toward the light, which I feared only held darkness.