Anita's Affair Pt. 02

The days were long and the night's sleepless as different scenarios played through his mind. Should he confront her and demand answers? Did he even want to know the details of her adulterous relationship? Relationships? What would be their own relationship after he browbeat her to explain her infidelity - or infidelities? Would an acrimonious altercation destroy the marriage he desperately wanted to maintain?

Things would be so much easier for those men whose egos required a scorched earth policy toward a cheating spouse even if they loved her - condemning themselves to the loss of someone who had meant so much to them. Fortunately, Tom's ego did not require that old "cut off your nose to spite yourself" reaction. He had no desire to get revenge so to display his masculinity. However, Tom was not a wimp or an accepting cuckhole who would accept serial infidelities, so it would have to end!

His decision? Go home and say nothing. Act as if nothing had happened or bothered him. His brusque text message and his elimination of their Bermuda trip had to have put her on notice and he was determined to watch for anything new. Certainly that included checking the security recording when he was out of town. It would be therapeutic and cathartic to go home and rage at her, tell her how badly he was hurt, excoriate her for her unfaithfulness, threaten her about the future. But to what end? Further estrangement and creating a caustic atmosphere preventing reconciliation?

In any case, Tom's decision was to sublimate his natural disappointment and anger. That decision certainly was an ideal strategy to play with Anita's mind although that was not his intention. For two days, alone or with Char, her thoughts about Tom's reaction ranged from fearing a harsh inquisition to, worse, a flat demand for a divorce. She was prepared to lay everything before him and beg his forgiveness. She would promise, with complete sincerity, to do anything and everything he asked to prove her future faithfulness.

For her, the worst thing about all of this, including her affair, was the way she had hurt him. She realized just how devastated she would have been if their actions were reversed - something that had never occurred to her when she involved with Bill. Unfortunately, it took the first scare when Tom was "sick" to really open her eyes, but it was too late. When on Saturday she got a text message from Tom indicating that had checked out and was heading for the airport, she actually began trembling as she prepared for the worst day of her life. Her husband coming home always been a time of real pleasure, and, now, she sat there shivering in fear. Not fear of physical punishment but of seeing the anguish she had caused a man she loved above all others.

The one thing that she had not anticipated was having Tom come through the door with a smile on his face. Oh, it was not a beaming smile as it usually was and it was somewhat wan and faltering as he greeted her, but it was a smile! He lightly kissed her before carrying his suitcase upstairs. Anita stood there, confused and bewildered at this almost normal but unexpected behavior. She had prepared herself for a difficult and humiliating confrontation and she was left speechless.

Totally mystified, she followed him upstairs and asked, "Did you get the trouble fixed?"

"Yes, it was just more extensive than I had expected."

This banal conversation went on, both uncomfortable but trying to hide it. It was far from the loving, companionable conversation and banter that usually flowed between them, but at least there was no acrimony or animosity. They went out to dinner, both pleased to be in public discussing mundane things and avoiding the personal issues looming over them. That night they quietly went to bed with no touching except a good night kiss. Anita was overjoyed to even get that!

The following day Tom was playing golf as he frequently did on Sunday and Anita was with Char discussing the situation. "I can't believe this! I was fully prepared for a hostile confrontation and I had every intention of confessing everything, swear that I loved him and just accept anything he wanted. I honestly feared that he would want a divorce and I would have begged him to change his mind. If he had insisted, I had no defense - it would have killed me but he had every right to demand it. My biggest hope was that he would hear me out and I would have agreed with anything he asked if he had given me a chance to prove that it was never going to happen again.

"The one thing I wasn't prepared for was him to come in and act as if nothing had happened! It was weird. All day everything was much as it always has been, but nothing was natural. The truth is, of course, we were both tiptoeing around a major crisis in our lives and in our marriage. I think that both of us were afraid that something might explode at any moment. We were polite with each other, said all the right things but it was just as if we were actors in a play.'

"Do you think that there is absolutely no chance that he doesn't know?"

"No chance at all! He never said a word about Bermuda. Our anniversary and the honeymoon planning might never have been discussed! We sat across the table at the restaurant talking about everyday things with none of our usual kidding around. Damn, this is almost worse that the explosion I had expected. I just keep waiting for something to light the fuse to the bomb that is under us. I expected a big explosion and I would know where we were, good or bad."

"On the other hand, you're still together. I have no idea about what's going through Tom's mind, but it can't be good. He has to be very badly hurt but he's still with you - at least for now."

"Yeah, at least for now!"

As time passed, nothing really changed. The holiday season went by as did the rest of winter. Their marriage stabilized in that uncomfortable "don't ask - don't tell, let's not rock the boat" relationship that made no one happy. Oddly enough, Tom was in the same position as a man or woman who was suspicious that something, probably an affair, was going on and they had to pretend that everything was all right while they looked for evidence. Tom had the evidence, but he also knew that if it were presented he would have to face the issue. He didn't want that, so he pretended that everything was normal.

But, he knew that she knew that he knew. She knew that he knew that she knew. It sounds like a comedy routine but they both were aware that they were living in a bubble. Each tried to act as normal as possible but they were too aware of the other person. Once in a while, something would occur in which they would forget themselves and laugh together or share a memory. At those moments they actually were together, mentally as well as physically, but, inevitably, they would shy away and the bubble reformed.

They even began having sex - the physical desire was still there - but there was no pillow talk, no sharing of an emotional bond. In the past, Tom would have pulled her to him and just held her, or she would snuggle up against him and enjoy the bodily contact. Now they were too self-conscious, not comfortable enough to be natural.

However, the major issue was the lack of emotional contact. The lack of a confrontation and whatever came from it meant that there was no closure. No matter how close they were, the pain on both sides was still there, and, as in physical wounds, untreated injuries tend to fester, making those simple, loving moves harder.

Tom was in limbo, not even being sure that Anita's affair was ended. The last thing he had seen was Bill holding her by her tits in their bedroom. He was still recording the scenes in that bedroom, but he just couldn't bring himself to look at them. He, frankly, was afraid to do so. He knew that if he saw Anita actually being fucked it would kill him and he wouldn't be able to stay with her, particularly since he had let her know that he knew. If she had continued despite that warning it would be too much. So, he didn't watch but he just let the recording go on. It probably was silly, but avoiding facing up to problems is all too human.

The problem for Anita was even worse because, of course, she was the guilty party. In some ways Tom's lack of hostility made it harder for her. She knew that he was hurting and that she was the cause and she didn't know how to help him. She couldn't even apologize since it was obvious that he wasn't going to raise the subject. She became more and more depressed although she attempted to be cheerful for him. Her outlet during this time was, as would be expected, Char.

They were sitting in the living room with Anita having what had become their usual conversation - or, more accurately, Anita was delivering what had become the usual doleful monologue about how guilty she felt and how by her very presence she was hurting Tom. Finally, Char broke in with, "For god's sake, Nita, you've got to stop this! Things are getting better! You're talking to each other - good heavens, you're even having sex! I still think that the two of you should have talked this out and faced the whole issue head on, but you didn't so you will just have to heal slowly. But things are getting better!"

"You're right. I wish now that Tom had just confronted me when he came home, but I think that he was afraid of what he might find out. I wanted to confess and explain that Bill didn't mean anything to me, but I couldn't explain my actions even to myself. I wanted to throw myself at him, crying and apologizing, but I couldn't. Regardless, neither of us had the courage - if that is what it was - to meet the situation head on and that time, that opportunity, is past.

"I know that my cheating is eating away at Tom as it is with me. More than anything else, I want him to be able to get past this, to get past me, but he can't. I'm just being destroyed by guilt. I've just lost Tom in ways that matter and all I'm doing is making us both miserable. I've told you many times that I just couldn't live without him and I remember you saying that I may have to. Well, I've reached that point and I don't have to."

"Come on, Nita, you're just depressed, maybe because Tom just left for three nights. You'll feel better after he phones you tonight. Now, I have to go home and get ready for tomorrow. I hope you can sleep tonight."

"Oh, I'm sure I will. I got a prescription for sleeping pills so I'll sleep for sure. Everything will be better for everybody tomorrow!"

Char headed home, thinking as she drove, "She really was down tonight. As she said, the guilt is just eating away at her. I've never seen her so depressed, but I will say that she seemed really calm, almost resigned, when I left. Somehow I have to convince her that she really hasn't lost Tom and that life will get better." Suddenly, she panicked as a horrible thought flashed into her mind.

Abruptly she swerved the car to the curb, grabbed her phone and hit the emergency 911 button. Later she was shocked at how calmly and precisely she handled the call. "My name is Charlotte Jacobson. There is a woman committing suicide by taking sleeping pills at 1345 Ambrose Lane. Please send help! I'm on the way there now and will open the door." She turned the car around, almost causing a collision, as she sped back to the house.

She barely got there before the ambulance and paramedics arrived and they all rushed upstairs. They found Anita lying back on the bed, unconscious. Ten minutes later she was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped out. Char sat tearfully in the emergency room, desperately worried as she waited for news.

Happily, the wait wasn't long before the doctor came out, smiling, saying, "Mrs. Jacobson, your friend is going to be fine. The drugs didn't have time to cause any serious damage. Actually, the pills didn't have time to completely dissolve and get into her system. Frankly, you saved her life. If you hadn't realized what was going on and called 911, she would have died. We're keeping her overnight and we'll see how she is in the morning. She's awake and you'll be able to see her as soon as she's settled in. She'll have to have a psychological evaluation before she's released, but she's ok now."

It was an hour later when Char saw a weak, pale Anita. There was no real conversation, no discussion of what had happened. Actually, all that Anita was concerned about was Tom as she said, imploringly, "Please promise me that you won't tell him about this! It would just be one more thing chaining him to me. Tell him that I just fainted or something. Low blood pressure, bad food - whatever, just not that I tried suicide. That would tie him to me forever for the wrong reason and I couldn't stand that!"

"Ok, I'll think of something innocuous if you'll swear that you'll never do anything like this again!"

"Oh, I'll promise that! I'll never have the nerve to do it again. It took me months this time to build up my courage. I'll have to find another way."

"Ok, I'll call Tom and tell him that you were dizzy and light headed and we went to the emergency room. It turned out that you were dehydrated and hadn't eaten anything and your blood pressure had dropped. They put an IV in and that you are fine but the doctor wanted you to stay in the hospital overnight to put more fluid into you. You'll come home tomorrow and he can talk to you then. That sounds reasonable. Damn it, I hate lying to him!"

The following day, after an interview with a hospital therapist, Anita was sent home with an anti-depression prescription and a promise that she would see a psychologist. Char took off work and drove her home. A soon as they settled down, Char asked the obvious question, "What on earth caused you to do this?"

"Oh Char, why did you stop me? I had to do it and now I know I'll never get the nerve to do it again! I'm ruining two lives and I just can't do it anymore. I told you that I love Tom more than life itself and that I couldn't live without him. I meant it! I've lost him and I just couldn't do it anymore."

"But you still have Tom and you know that he loves you!"

"That's the problem! He loves me and despite being horribly hurt, he would never leave me although I deserve it. Yes, he's still there but, at the same time, he isn't. I had sex with Bill, but we never made love. Tom and I made love every time. Sometimes we were tired or out of sorts for some reason and the sex wasn't great, but the love was always there. Whatever hang-ups we had before became really unimportant and we always cuddled together afterwards.

"Now, we've having sex and it feels good and we both have orgasms - but it's just sex like I had with Bill. It's just physical. I would like to cuddle up against him but I just don't think I should. I don't have the right. I have to wait for him to make the move and he doesn't. Sometimes I think that he would like to but he can't get over the barrier between us. We're just not comfortable with each other anymore and I'm the reason.

"Tom will never have that beyond-the-physical closeness that he really needs as long as I'm around. I thought that if I were gone, he would be devastatingly sad for a while, but that he would get over it and find someone that he could trust as well as love. He deserves that. Now, I'm back to square one. I finally got up the courage to give him that opportunity and now I know that I have to find some other way! I know that he is suffering every day, and I have to find a way to free him from this albatross that's hanging around his neck.

"I don't know if it will help at all, but I am going to see a psychologist. I don't understand myself and I really want to find out why I acted the way I did. I'm not going to deny that I enjoyed my time with Bill - I did! It was fun, an adventure, but why did I do it the way I did. You woke me up when you warned me of the danger, what I was risking. Why didn't I see that before? Good heavens, I'm not an idiot! Even more, after your warning I was determined to end it, but I just didn't.

"As soon as Bill was here I was like a different person and I loved being...well, I thought of it as being wicked or, maybe better, mischievous. I didn't see it as evil or depraved, just fun. It's hard to admit but part of the fun was doing something that no one knew about...doing something behind Tom's back. Damn it, that sound's awful but it wasn't malicious. It was just having a little secret, something he didn't know about me. I have no idea as to why the hell I would want that. Even more, how I could think that letting another man fuck me was just a little unimportant secret - I must have been insane!

"Regardless, I am going to see the psychologist that the hospital therapist recommended and see if I can discover what quirk there is in my mind that caused me to act so irrationally. This won't change anything between Tom and me, but I want to understand myself."

For the next three months Anita did follow through on her commitment to see a psychologist, actually twice a week. Tom had no knowledge of this and she didn't discuss it with Char. Finally, late in July, Anita was ready to talk about her findings.

"What's up Nita? You said that you had something to talk to me about, but I couldn't tell if it's good or bad. Something different between you and Tom?"

"Unfortunately no. Right now I would take either good or bad, but everything is about the same. Frankly, I don't think that I can take this situation much longer. No, this is completely different although it's connected.

"I haven't said anything to you about this, but I've been seeing a psychologist for the last three months and I've learned some things about myself, things that are not very flattering. The psychologist, Dr. Janice Holstrom, and I discussed everything I did with Bill up to the time Tom knew that something was going on. Obviously, my behavior puzzled both of us, particularly my inability to break off with Bill after you warned me of the danger.

"My behavior certainly was irrational. The discussions went on but the pattern was obvious. I would decide to end the affair, but as soon as Bill was here I went right back into my lighthearted, 'it's only fun' mode. Dr. Holstrom came to the conclusion that we were getting nowhere because no matter how long we discussed my behavior we couldn't explain it. Finally, she brought in a hypnotherapist to see if there was anything, any event, that I didn't remember that would explain my bizarre behavior.

"I don't understand how it works, but the therapist put me in a trance and somehow had me mentally relive specific times in my past. I had told Dr. Holstrom about the excitement and smugness of having a secret, giggling to myself about it. The therapist, Kate Thatcher, took that peculiar behavior and had me recall the first time that I had that feeling. I was shocked afterwards that I zeroed in on a specific time when I was thirteen!

"You know that I was raised by my father after my mother died when I was only three. He was a very loving father and I loved him with all my heart - still do for that matter. However, he was very conservative and wanted to keep me as pure and innocent as possible. Protecting his little girl from the world, I guess. I had no problem complying with his rules and everything was fine. However, as you would expect, I rebelled a bit when I became a teenager. Actually, 'rebelled' is a bit too strong.

"I was curious about things I heard kids talking about and he wouldn't answer my questions - maybe he didn't know how to answer them to his innocent daughter. Anyway, we had an old encyclopedia set and I found out the information myself. I discovered that men had this thing in front and what they did with it to a woman! I didn't do anything with the knowledge, but knowing seemed to have given me a sense of importance. That's when this whole situation began.