Anita's Affair Pt. 02

"Dr. Holstrom and Kate had recorded that session and I was startled to see myself giggling away under the hypnotic trance. They asked me questions and I talked about enjoying hiding my new knowledge from my father. I remembered the fun and power of knowing something my father didn't want me to know. The secrets that a young girl had were not very significant and when I took the required sex education classes my knowledge of what men and women did was no longer hidden. Still, the smug feeling I got from reading that encyclopedia article was the beginning. I loved being in that superior position and as they moved me along to other times, they saw that having secrets became very important to me.

"They finally got me to the senior prom night and I remembered giggling as I looked in the mirror and saw the marks around my nipples and at how wet my bra was! I hadn't liked having Bill's cock going off in my mouth but I enjoyed that being part of my secret. For some reason having that secret excited me almost as much as the acts themselves. Fooling my father, having that secret, was a fun thing.

"That sounds awful, but it wasn't spiteful. I loved my father - he had been wonderful to me my whole life - and I just saw it as fun like you would tease someone. I wouldn't have hurt him for the world. What I never considered was what he would think, how hurt he would have been, if somehow he found out about my 'fun' secrets. As I watched the recordings of me giggling away as I described my fun disgusted me!

"Even worse, they had me relive the nights I was with Bill and I hated myself. Watching myself remembering the pleasure I got out of hiding something from Tom. They had me speaking out loud what I was thinking and listening to myself planning my elaborate scheme to put something over him! The glee in my voice! And the giggling! I was and am so ashamed of myself that there is no way to express it!"

"My god, Nita, I remember you giggling when you told me about having an affair and it shocked me. You laugh, not giggle like a school girl! I overlooked it at the time, but I certainly noticed it!"

"Char, it was despicable! I was so embarrassed as I sat there that I almost got up and ran out of the room! Dr. Holstrom calmed me down by saying that in many ways my reactions with Bill were not really rare. She sees people every day that act completely out of character and that there is usually a trigger somewhere and finding that trigger was why she brought the hypnotherapist in.

"It appeared that the fun of putting something over on my father had become more important to me than I knew. Actually, I had put it completely out of my mind as I had the senior prom events. She thought that the resurrection of my memories of that night and the sex with Bill had also brought back the pleasures of having secrets, doing questionable things in this case, going behind Tom's back to have 'innocent' fun. It was like an addiction. I would decide to end it, but when Bill arrived, the desire to have that fun, that adventure, overcame my saner desires.

"As Dr. Holstron said, it's somewhat like a drug addict - you know it's wrong and dangerous, but the danger isn't real. I was just like a little kid playing with fireworks, never thinking that I or others might be hurt! It wasn't until you spoke to me that night that I returned to the real world and realized that what I was doing wasn't just a fun game. Other people, particularly Tom, could be horribly hurt. Unfortunately, I didn't stop in time. I should have called Bill that night and ended it. Or, at least, if he came over, I should have told him it was over.

"Regrettably, I wasn't strong enough! I didn't end it until I saw Tom's haggard face and realized how badly I would hurt him if he found out. The next time Tom was away, I did end it by phone but he surprised me by coming over anyway. I think that the thing that saved me from giving into that addiction again was the plan for Bermuda and that I was wearing that nightgown that Tom and I love so much. That did end it, but, of course, too late.

"Anyway, the therapy helped. At least I understand myself and the trap I fell into. Dr. Holstron and Kate revealed something that I didn't know was there. It doesn't diminish my guilt but my actions are not as inexplicable as they were. They're still despicable but I understand them better. They go all the way back to a thirteen year old girl finding out for herself what men and women do and beginning a path to disaster."

"Do you think that this will help with Tom?"

"Good heavens, no! This just clears my mind and gives me an explanation of why I did those stupid, insane things. It's an explanation, not an excuse! I still betrayed him. I'm still an adulterous slut and I hate myself! We're still in this never-never land - loving each other but not able to get past my infidelity. I need to find a way to break through this deplorable situation. I've given up the idea of suicide, but I still need a way to get out of Tom's way!"

"Nita, don't be silly! Damn it, why don't you just sit down with Tom and confess and beg his forgiveness? If it doesn't work you can each go your own way. If it does, you can start the repair work!"

"I wish I could. It's funny, I could try to commit suicide, but I can't bring myself to face him! I've just got to get away somehow."

That statement preyed on Char's mind and she paid close attention to Anita's words and action the next few weeks. Their anniversary was coming up, the 23rd of August and her instincts told her that Anita had something planned before that, probably leaving. Her fears were confirmed on the 20th of August.

Anita had called her and asked her to come over because she had finally made a decision. "Char, I'm leaving! It probably is...no...definitely is the hardest decision I have ever made, but I have to do it!"

"Nita, for god's sake, why? Things have been getting better! Your anniversary is in three more days and that would be a perfect time to try and clear the air!"

"No, dear, that would be a horrible time! Our anniversary always had been a time of celebrating our marriage and I don't want that memory ruined! Even last year, before the catastrophe, it was wonderful as we planned our trip to Bermuda. That turned out to be the worst day of my life when Tom cancelled our honeymoon renewal because he found out about my affair. I don't want August 23 to be the date when the confrontation happens - it was the date when our marriage began and I don't want that wonderful day to mark its end! I'm going to be gone before then!"

Char was distraught as she heard her friend make what she knew was a grievous mistake. "Nita, this is stupid! Where are you going to go? How are you going to live? You're just going to give up on you and Tom? Why the hell don't you just confront Tom, throw yourself on his mercy and beg his forgiveness! At least you would have a chance. This way you're throwing everything away for nothing!"

"No, that won't work. Tom loves me too much to throw me out, but he'll never get over what I did behind his back! He'll live with an unfaithful, adulterous and untrustworthy wife rather than divorce me. I love him far too much to doom him to live in the relationship we are in now! Where am I going to go? I'm not going to tell you or him! I will leave him a letter apologizing for all this mess and asking him not to try and find me. I'm taking enough money to last till I get settled. I can do my editing work anywhere there is an internet connection so I'll have an income.

"As I said, Tom will never divorce me if he hasn't by this time, but after a year he probably will resign himself that it's over. I checked and he can file a no fault divorce and if I can't be found to sign it, it will go through because I abandoned the marriage."

"My god, you are serious about this!"

"Yes. We can't go on the way we have been. We're in a weird, uncomfortable, sort of limbo. There is just a hollowness in everything we do. I have a feeling that Tom may be glad to have the whole thing end without him having to make a decision. I'm the one that caused this debacle and I'm the one who will end it. I'm the guilty one so I will make the hard decision."

"Damn it, you love Tom and he loves you! Why the hell don't you just look him in the eye and say, 'Tom, I love you and I did a stupid thing that hurt you? I'm very, very sorry and it will never happen again. Can you forgive me?' If he says 'no,' then you can pack up and leave!"

"Gods, you don't think that I haven't thought of doing that? I want to run to him, throw my arms around him and say I'm sorry, beg his forgiveness, but I just can't do it. It's like there is physical barrier between us and I'm chained behind it. I just can't do it!" She started crying, tears running down her cheeks as she quietly repeated, "I just can't do it!"

For almost a full year Char had stayed out of the impasse between Tom and Anita, thinking that this was a problem that the two would have to work out for themselves. Now, reluctantly, she recognized that it wasn't going to happen. She had firmly believed that Tom and Anita would find a way to break through the wall holding them apart, but she saw that Anita's plan to put physical distance between herself and Tom would only make that wall thicker and higher. Reluctantly she recognized that this new threat to their relationship required direct intervention by her to avert a total disaster.

"The following morning, Tuesday, Tom received an unexpected phone call. "Hi Char, I haven't seen or heard from you for a long times. I've missed our lunches. I hope that your schedule has changed back!"

"No Tom, my schedule is the same as always, but I think that we have to talk. Could you take off this afternoon?"

"Is this serious?"

"Very."

"Ok, if you say it's serious, it's serious. I can be free by 1:30."

The intervention had begun!