Coming to Grips Ch. 03

For a long time, Piper just held her like that. Suzanne couldn't control her tears. Part of it was the thoughts of Chloe, especially the crushing certainty that she didn't deserve to feel good again after what she had done to Chloe. Almost as bad was the realization that she had disappointed Piper. "We were having such a good time and I've ruined it," she thought to herself. "I'm so pathetic." She really wanted to curl up in a ball with no one around. Darker thoughts were in there too, but she tried to ignore them. Still, it felt good to have Piper hold her, murmuring soft assurances that it was all okay. Gradually Suzanne began to stop crying. Her embarrassment grew and she kept her face buried against Piper's neck.

Finally, Suzanne took a deep breath. "Sorry," she softly said.

"No need for sorry, Suzanne," Piper told her. She gave the top of Suzanne's head a little kiss, accompanied by a warm hug. "It's okay." The pain that Suzanne just showed had got to Piper as well. At the height of it, she couldn't help crying a little too. It hurt to see someone she liked in that state. She squeezed Suzanne again.

For a while, they just lay like that. When Suzanne finally pulled apart a little, she looked at Piper. "I'm sorry," she said again. "Thank you for holding me. It helped."

"Oh, sweetie," Piper said with a little catch in her voice. "I'm glad I could do something." She hesitated, but finally she had to ask. "What happened, Suzanne? It seemed like you were enjoying it."

"I was. Oh, I really was. It just brought back memories. I thought I was ready. I guess I'm not," Suzanne said. She didn't want to talk about it and buried her face back into Piper's neck. At least the image of Chloe had faded. As long as Suzanne was doing a good job of torturing herself, Chloe didn't need to be there.

"Okay," Piper told her. She hugged Suzanne again. When she relaxed the hug, she twisted her body a little.

Looking up at Piper with a start, Suzanne's eyes were almost brimming with tears again. "Are you leaving?" she asked in a little voice.

"Oh no, sweetie, I'm not leaving. I just thought I would turn off the lights and maybe pull up the covers. I was going to stay the night, if you want me to." Piper gave Suzanne a caress on the cheek and a smile.

"I want you to, if you want to," Suzanne said. After how she acted, she couldn't really imagine Piper wanting to stay. "God, I'm such a mess," Suzanne thought. "No one is going to want to be around me." For some reason, Colby passed through her mind and left Suzanne feeling even worse. She pushed that from her mind as quickly as possible.

"Of course, I want to," Piper warmly said. "Cuddling is as nice as making love." She reached down and found the covers, bunched at the foot of the bed. When she had them all sorted out and pulled up around them, she reached over and switched the light off. Snuggling close, she held Suzanne again.

"Thank you, Piper," Suzanne said in that same little voice. There was quiet in the dark for a moment. "I'm sorry," she said once again.

"Stop saying that, sweetie. There is nothing to be sorry for. You gave me a wonderful orgasm. I loved that and I loved making you feel good, but you weren't ready. It isn't something to feel sorry about. Sometime, the time will be right," Piper told her.

As nice as Piper's reassurance was, Suzanne still felt a sense of despair. Would it ever be right? She wasn't sure. She thought of her dad. She'd been blaming him for her unhappiness. It wasn't that simple. Accepting herself was only part of the puzzle. What she had done to Chloe was a much bigger piece. "Maybe I'm just not worthy of happiness," she thought. "I don't deserve ..." She shut off the thoughts before they got any darker. She couldn't help the tears that started again. She tried to keep them quiet and not let her body betray her to Piper.

Despite her efforts, Piper could tell. She felt the little tears dropping onto her breasts and running down them. She gave Suzanne another kiss in the top of her head and a long hug. Beyond that, she didn't acknowledge them. It didn't seem like it would help Suzanne.

The hour soon caught up with both of them. The emotions took the most out of Suzanne. Her tears started to slacken, and then her little sniffles faded away. Even though thoughts of Chloe weren't gone, they didn't have the power to keep her awake. Instead, they became dreams that troubled her and made it impossible to get a good sleep. As she lost consciousness, her breathing lulled Piper into a slumber of her own. Throughout the night, she held on to Suzanne as if she was trying to reassure her.

When the alarm on her phone went off, Suzanne was the first to wake. Her head was still nestled against Piper's shoulder. It only took a moment for the memories of the last night to come flooding back. Suzanne's cheeks burned with shame at how she had acted. "I never should have brought Piper back," she thought. "She must think I'm an idiot. At least I'm leaving. No need for her to make excuses to me why she doesn't want to see me again." She took a deep breath and tried to make sure that there was no repeat of the breakdown.

"Hey you," Piper said, letting Suzanne know that she too was awake. Suzanne had to force herself to look Piper in the face. She had a caring smile that made Suzanne feel bad for her thoughts a moment ago. Piper leaned in and gave her a little kiss.

"Morning," Suzanne said as it ended. As she had the night before, she buried her face against Piper's neck. When Piper hugged her, she felt a little spark of warmth. It helped push back the dark clouds.

"What time is it?" Piper said as she finally let go and rolled onto her back. Her muscles felt sore from not having moved all night. She didn't regret it. It was clear that Suzanne needed it.

"Too damn early," Suzanne said. "I think I set it for four."

"God! Too fucking early is right," Piper said. She closed her eyes for a moment and then sighed. "It's actually for the best. I need to get home and get ready for work." She sat up and groaned. "Today will not be a good day."

"Sorry," Suzanne started to tell her.

"Don't be," Piper cut her off. "Sweetie, you say that too much. It was my choice, and one that I'm glad I made. Don't take on burdens that aren't yours."

Suzanne filled in the words that she thought were unsaid. "I have enough that are mine?"

"No, I think you have assumed some that aren't yours too." Piper's eyes were soft even as her voice was firm. "Suzanne, I don't know you really, but you have to forgive yourself some time. Don't cut off your friends. Talk to them. They want to help."

Suzanne felt her eyes moisten again and looked away from the caring gaze. She kept her thoughts to herself.

It was clear that Suzanne wasn't going to listen to her, so Piper let out a little sigh before getting out of bed. She picked up her clothes and walked into the bathroom. It didn't take long to wash her face and get her clothes back on. When she came back out, Suzanne was half way getting into some new clothes. She looked good in a skirt that was just above her knees and showed off her long legs. Her bra was all she had on top.

"Mmmm, you look lovely," Piper told her as she came close. When Suzanne hesitated, Piper reached out and pulled her into an embrace. She gave Suzanne a hug that turned into a gentle kiss. "Thanks for last night," she said.

Suzanne grimaced. "I'm sure that was what you were looking for, a night with a weeping woman." Still, she couldn't bring herself to pull away.

"I wanted a night with you. I'm glad I got it, tears and all." Piper didn't pull away either.

She sounded sincere and Suzanne decided to take it that way. "Thanks for holding me. It was the only thing that kept me from losing it."

"Anytime. If you get back to Chicago, call me." When she saw the disbelief in Suzanne's eyes, Piper smiled. "I mean it. I'm sorry you live so far away." She wrote her number on the pad of paper by the phone. Stepping close one more time, she gave Suzanne another kiss. "Bye, sweetie," she said as she headed for the door. She looked back once and then was gone.

Suzanne felt her absence immediately. It had been a safety line. Now on her own, she focused on doing what she needed to get ready. It wouldn't take much longer.

When Piper stepped out of the elevator, she saw Colby waiting by the front desk. She considered just going to the parking garage elevator, but rejected that idea. As she walked over, Colby saw her and nodded in recognition.

"She'll be down in a few minutes," Piper said.

Colby nodded. "Okay, thanks." Piper looked at her for a few moments, as if considering something. "What?" Colby asked. She didn't mean it to, but it came out abrupt.

"Just, take care of her. You know her, but I think maybe she is hurting more than you realize. I like her. If I lived closer, I might ..." Piper trailed off. "Never mind, but just help her."

Not quite sure why, Colby stepped forward and gave Piper a quick hug. She felt Piper returning it. "I'll do my best," she said. "Thanks."

"Gotta run! Bye Colby!" Piper said as she turned and went back to the parking garage elevator. She was gone moments later, leaving Colby to wonder what had happened. She was not sure she could ask Suzanne. "Well, I can certainly watch over her," she thought. When it came to work, Colby definitely felt her lack of experience compared to Suzanne. However, Suzanne felt like the younger of the two of them when it came to life experience. Even if she didn't feel something already, Colby had no problem with assuming the role of protector to her friend. She nodded and thought, "like a friend, not a sister." No, sisterly feelings were the last thing she wanted with Suzanne.

Once Suzanne came down, getting to the airport was fairly simple. They caught a taxi and it was still early enough that they beat any traffic. The trip was quiet. Both of them were tired, but Colby thought that Suzanne looked particularly ragged. She hoped that getting them a little something to eat at the airport before the flight would help somewhat.

Unfortunately getting through security threw a monkey wrench into that plan. The lines were extremely long and seemed to be taking forever. After a while, Colby stopped thinking about breakfast and just hoped they would make the flight. They did, but it was a near thing. The door was shut right after they took their seats.

As she listened to the flight attendants give the safety lecture, Colby wondered again what happened between Suzanne and Piper. The last time she saw them, things seemed to be going well. She tried to suppress a slight feeling of envy towards Piper. Clearly, things had changed at some point. "Why else would she have said something this morning?" Colby thought. It was somewhat against her nature, but she felt like she needed to pry into what happened.

It wouldn't be immediately, though. Even as the flight attendants were putting away the little bag of stuff for the safety demonstration, Colby felt Suzanne lean against her. Looking over, she was surprised to see Suzanne already napping. She was tall enough that her cheek rested against Colby's head. Each deep breath resonated in her ear. It was actually soothing. Maybe she hadn't gone to bed as late as Suzanne, but Colby still didn't get much sleep last night. She managed to stay awake through takeoff.

"If I can just hold off until they come around with food, I'll get something for both of us," Colby told herself. Grabbing the airline magazine, she tried to focus on reading it. Despite her height, Suzanne wasn't pressing heavily against her. In fact, she was struck by how light she seemed. She tried to turn to look at Suzanne, but when she moved, the sleeping woman made a little noise of protest. Not wanting to wake her, Colby stopped. Suzanne made a little sigh that brought a smile to Colby's lips. Her eye was caught by Suzanne's wrists. She hadn't noticed it before but they seemed a little bony.

"She doesn't eat enough," Colby thought. It wasn't a new thought. All week long, she noticed that without her pushing, Suzanne tended to forget about eating. Looking back, Colby realized that even when they did pause long enough to eat, Suzanne usually left food on her plate. Looking down again, she saw that it was not just Suzanne's wrist. Her fingers were long, but the skin was tight against the bone. "It isn't just eating. She just doesn't take care of herself." Colby felt the unease inside her grow to become a worry.

The fretting about it made it easier to not fall asleep right away. When the flight attendants came through, Colby ordered a couple of the fruit and cheese trays. "Hopefully she will argue less about eating one of these," she thought. The other options just looked too heavy. Colby stacked them on her tray and closed her eyes. Maybe she got more sleep than Suzanne had, but it wasn't much more. She tried to banish her worries about Suzanne and let her mind calm down.

Shifting slightly to try to find a more comfortable spot, Colby felt Suzanne stir and murmur a troubled "no!" The taller woman's body twitched a little and Colby feared that she had woken her. Without thinking much about it, she reached out and took Suzanne's hand in hers. She felt Suzanne's fingers automatically wrap around hers and after a moment, Suzanne seemed to calm down and fall back into a deeper sleep. Her breathing became regular again and it helped Colby to start to drift off too.

Suzanne couldn't remember what she was dreaming about when she startled awake. It wasn't pleasant; that much she was sure of. She looked around to orient herself. Feeling someone holding her hand, she realized it must be Colby. The smaller woman was sleeping with her head against Suzanne's shoulder. Turning her head, she could see that Colby's lips were touching her jacket. A little wet spot there made Suzanne smile. Colby would be mortified at doing it again, she thought.

"Did I take her hand or did she take mine?" Suzanne wondered. "And why?" She thought about trying to extricate her hand, but that might wake Colby. She just left it there, and looked out the window. Memories of last night came back. As she thought about how she lost it with Piper, Suzanne felt a familiar wave of discomfort in her stomach. She really needed to get that checked. She wouldn't be the first person in the office to develop an ulcer. It made the sight of the food on Colby's tray table turn her stomach a little. "She's going to want me to eat some of that," Suzanne thought. Sighing, she knew even though she didn't feel much like eating, she would for Colby. It would worry Colby if she didn't, and Suzanne didn't want that.

A little while later, Colby began to stir. Her hand relaxed and she turned a little more towards Suzanne. Pulling back gently, Suzanne took her hand out of Colby's grasp. A few moments later, Colby opened her eyes and blinked a few times. When she realized where she was, she did not jerk upright. It felt nice to have her head against Suzanne and she extended the chance as long as she could. Finally, she lifted her head up and smiled shyly at Suzanne.

"Anyone ever tell you that being next to you on planes makes it hard not to fall asleep? That's the second time!" Colby asked.

"Me? It seems like you are the one who has been snoozing away, not me!" Suzanne replied. Her grin lit up her face, erasing most of the haggard look to it.

"I was doing fine until you started with that slow breathing. I managed to stay awake long enough to get us some food, but then I was out." Colby checked her watch. "Oh, we are almost to Seattle. Come on; let's eat before they come to collect things." Looking down to open them up, she missed the grimace that passed over Suzanne's face. When she handed one over to Suzanne, there were no traces left. She had a smile, though not a particularly enthusiastic one.

The two of them ate their food in completely different ways. Hungry after not having anything to eat for a while, Colby ate the cheese right away before starting in on the pieces of fruit. Suzanne picked at hers. She ate the grapes first, slowly pulling them off one at a time. The combination of sweet and juicy was welcome. After that, Suzanne started to eat an apple slice but without much enthusiasm.

Eying her, Colby finally spoke up. "You should have the cheese. A little protein and a little fat will keep you going; at least until you get home." Her voice betrayed her concern.

"Between the drinking, the lack of sleep and the flight, my stomach is a little queasy. I'm not sure I can eat it," Suzanne said as she finished the first apple slice. She picked up another one but didn't bring it to her mouth.

Colby wanted to push it, but she could see Suzanne's throat swallowing even though there was nothing in her mouth. Getting her to eat something and then having her throw up wouldn't help Suzanne. Sighing, Colby held her peace. Instead, she asked about last night.

"So tell me if you don't want to talk about this, but how did it go last night. Did you have fun with Piper?" Colby asked in a low voice. The noise of the plane helped, but there was no reason to make it easy for anyone to eavesdrop.

At first, Colby thought that Suzanne wasn't going to answer. She just stared down at the apple in her fingers. Just as Colby was about to say never mind, Suzanne spoke. "It was good, at first. It felt nice to be normal. Trying to be straight, that never felt normal. I'm a lesbian and that's my normal." She paused a second and then smiled before looking at Colby. "And Piper was great. She didn't push. She let me feel comfortable." Her smile got a little sheepish and she blushed. "I made her cum," Suzanne whispered.

Colby smiled back at her, while at the same time feeling a stab of envy. An image of Suzanne naked and between her legs came to Colby. Her pussy twitched and she felt the faintest signs of it getting wet. She tried to control herself. "That must have made you feel good, to see that you could do it."

"It did," Suzanne said. There was a hint of pride in her smile, but it faded.

"What?" Colby asked. Clearly, something had happened.

"I ... She ..." Suzanne tried to talk but found herself tongue-tied. She took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears she felt building. Colby reached out her hand and Suzanne took it, their fingers interlacing. The support from Colby helped. Even still, her voice was halting with the raw emotion coming out.

"I couldn't stop thinking about Chloe when Piper was trying to make love to me. It was as if she was watching me. I couldn't ... I had to stop. It just got worse and worse," Suzanne said, as the tears began to drip down her face. "Piper was nice but I am sure she thought I was a crazy woman."

"Oh Suzanne, I'm sure she didn't. And you aren't. Like everyone else, you have some issues," Colby told her. "I wish ..." she started to say before stopping.

Suzanne looked Colby in the eyes. "Say what you want to say," she quietly said as she reached up with her free hand to wipe the tears away.

Colby tried to smile at Suzanne but found it impossible to do. She gave Suzanne's hand a little squeeze. "I wish you could forgive yourself, Suzanne. Don't you think Chloe would want you to?"

There was something about Suzanne's eyes that really scared Colby. She had never seen them look so dead.

"No. I don't," Suzanne said and then closed her eyes and leaned back in her seat. In a voice that was almost inaudible, she added, "I deserve this."

Leaning over, Colby whispered in her ear. "No Hun, you don't." She gave Suzanne a little kiss on the cheek. It was warm and friendly. The memory of it lingered for Suzanne. It was a little spot of warmth in the middle of the coldness of the rest of her.

Colby left it at that. She could feel the descent start and knew it wouldn't be much longer until they were on the ground. For the rest of the flight, she held Suzanne's hand. Even the one time when Suzanne halfheartedly pulled on it, Colby kept holding on. Suzanne didn't try again.