Did the Moon Smile?

"All too late," she murmured, "everything is too late...even Alex..." She stopped there too fearful to finish giving substance to the thought by speaking it.

It was then that Margot wept a little. She wept for the "Might have beens," that now would never be.

The coroner's finding was accidental death since nothing else could be proven. If suicide was in Margot's mind and the minds of the police officers, it remained unspoken.

Margot attended the funeral and was surprised at how few people were there. If Mark had made new friends and acquaintances in his new life, there little evidence of it. Some old friends and acquaintances attended, but found it difficult to know what to say to Margot. There was no sign of anyone who might have been Mark's late lover.

Mark's parent attended and spent a few days with Margot. When they had first learned of Mark leaving her they had spoken to her of their distress. "How could he do that after all the love you've given him," they had lamented.

There had been a rift between them and Mark as a result of his action, and now they expressed their regret again, implying that Mark would still be alive if he had stayed with her. Margot was too embarrassed to tell them that Mark had come to her on Christmas Day, wanting to come back to her.

Death and all the fuss and activity that go with it often give even people who would grieve little chance to do so. It is when the dust has settled that the reality strikes home. But one more piece of business awaited Margot.

Chapter 13. Aftermath.

Mid morning a few days after the funeral Margot answered the telephone. It was Mr. Arnold Phipps, the solicitor who had handled their business affairs.

"I should like to come and see you, Margot, if it's convenient."

"When?"

"Well, today if possible, say around one o'clock?"

"Yes, that'll be fine, what's it about?"

"Mark's will; I'll give you details when we meet."

Margot had not given any thought to Mark's will and how she might be involved in it, thinking he would have changed it in favour of his new woman. She had in fact been giving some thought to her financial position since Mark's "conscience money" might now cease. Her thought had been that she would have to drop university and find some paid work.

Arnold Phipps, not the crusty old solicitor dear to novel writers, was a hearty and rather handsome man in his mid-forties.

"Margot, my dear, he began, "you are of course still Mark's legal wife, there having been no divorce. In the will Mark made a few years ago, apart from a few bequests, he left everything to you. I've been having a look over his financial affairs and I'm afraid he made a number of large withdrawals over the past two years, so I'm sorry to tell you that you haven't got as much coming to you as we might have expected."

"Frankly, I'm surprised to be getting anything. I thought he might have changed his will in favour of that new woman."

"Hmm, well, you might have been able to challenge that but there's no need. The point is, what you will be getting amounts to (here he quoted a figure that caused Margot to turn pale).

"But, that not possible, it couldn't be that much."

"In terms of immediately available money, no, but if you were to dispose of his various business interests, yes. I'm surprised you think it so large a sum. If Mark had not disposed of so many of his assets these last two years it might have been twice the amount."

"His little puss cat certainly got her share," thought Margot.

"The thing is," went on Mr. Phipps, "do you want to maintain his business interests? I mean, do you wish to be involved?"

Margot was stumped for an answer. She had just before been contemplating having to give up her university studies and try to get a job, and now she was confronted with the liberation and freedom of choice having money would give her. Did she want to be concerned with Mark's business ventures about which she now realised how little she had known?

She had little knowledge of business and had her own plans for the future, but rather than make an immediate decision she said, "Can I have time to think this over?"

"Of course, of course my dear, we can let the situation run on for a while and I can attend to matters as they come up but there will have to be a cut-off point, at which time you will need to decide. Are you in need of funds at the moment?"

"Well yes, I might be. Mark made me an allowance which of course might stop being paid now."

"Ah, in that case I'll make arrangements with the bank to have money put into your account from the estate. How much would you like?"

"Perhaps for the time being you'd just continue what Mark used to allow, it's more than adequate for my present needs."

"Very well, my dear; there will be some signing for you to do, and perhaps you'd come to my office when that's necessary?"

"Yes, of course."

He rose and they shook hands at the door. Margot wandered back into the lounge and plonked down on the settee trying to work out how she was feeling. Over the course of two years she seemed to have gone from one emotional crisis to another. There had been times of light and happiness and then times of dark and misery..."My God," she thought, suddenly remembering, "Alex is due back any day now."

Chapter 14. The Return.

It was not that she hadn't thought about Alex, but that time had slipped by her. She realised that on his return she would have to say something about the events that had occurred and that would almost inevitably lead to her telling him about Mark and her marriage.

Even if Alex had been curious, he had never questioned her. Margot had said nothing about it, although having mixed with some of the young people around the town there was a chance he had heard something.

"What does it matter if he does know?" thought Margot. "I don't know why I've even bothered to hide it from him, so there's no reason why I shouldn't tell him now. It won't change anything."

Margot had arranged with Alex that she would pick him up at the airport when he came in on one of the aircraft that serviced the smaller provincial centres.

As the day approached Margot found her self to be getting -as she tried to tell herself – "Unaccountably excited." What was it she was feeling? Was it the return of a young man who seemed to fulfil in her the maternal experiences she had missed? Yet she had no right. Alex had a mother and family, so why should he want her maternal feelings?

"A friend," she told herself; "a good friend who had brought into her life a little brightness and joy. "That's it, a friend."

Alex came into the arrival lounge looking brimming with health. He had a tan and if anything looked bigger than she had remembered him to be. In the past she had sometimes seen him as a boy, but in a short space of time he was suddenly and unmistakably a man.

Alex came to her grinning and they hugged each other; the first time they had engaged in such contact.

"Alex said, "I've missed you Margot."

"And I've missed you, Alex."

On the drive home there was much chatter about what Alex had been doing, how his parents and brothers and sisters were. Margot held back from telling Alex what had been happening to her. She wanted to tell him in a quiet time when the first pleasure of being together had calmed a little.

It was that evening after dinner she opened up to Alex.

Alex, always a good listener sat quiet, letting Margot tell her story without interruption. When she had finished he did not ply her with questions but said, "I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time, Margot, I should have been here for you."

Margot had to fight back tears. Did he really care for her enough to want to be with her in a wretched situation?

There was something else she wanted to tell him; something she felt she could never tell anyone else. Perhaps she just wanted to, as people say, "Get it off her chest." Perhaps it was the response Alex had made to what she had told him so far that gave her the courage. Or again maybe she wanted to test his caring for her, to find out how far it would go.

She told him of Christmas Eve and Bronte Bunny.

Alex sat once more just listening, but this time with a grim expression.

"He's going to hate me. He's going to think I'm a filthy slut," she thought as she finished.

Alex remained silent for a while, the said, "You were set up, weren't you?"

"I don't think...Celia wouldn't have deliberately....No Alex I'm sure she wouldn't have set me up for that."

"No, not necessarily for that, but as you have said, she thought it quite amusing when it happened, didn't she?"

"Yes, but she didn't know how it happened that he...you know...forced me when I couldn't fight back."

"Perhaps not, but she didn't do anything to help you when you needed it. She didn't take over like any decent woman would in those circumstances."

"No, I suppose she didn't."

"Can you put it behind you, Margot?"

"I think so. It's been a relief telling you. It sort of got it out in the open where I can take a look at it. You don't think I'm...I'm...."

"I know what you're going to say, Margot, and no, I don't, but I'm glad it matters to you what I think. Mind you, I do think you were pretty silly getting drunk with a predatory bugger like him around. Still, perhaps you weren't to know."

"I just thought he was a pedantic little bore. I'm not making an excuse, but that's how I came to get so drunk, trying to relieve the boredom."

Alex grinned; "Then if you get drunk while I'm around I'll know I'm boring you."

Margot gave a little laugh; "I don't think I'll ever be drunk again, it's too horrible, and if you are boring me I shall just tell you so."

Alex rose and stretched. "It's been a long day, Margot, and I'm for bed."

Margot rose and said, "Yes, me too, goodnight Alex, and thank you for listening and being so...so...caring."

Alex winked at her and said, "What are friends for?" and headed for his bedroom.

"Yes," though Margot, "what are friends for? The people I thought were my friends didn't serve me too well. It's taken a man almost seventeen years my junior to act like a friend."

She smiled and went to bed.

Chapter 15. Confusion.

That night she masturbated; it was not in any desperate or urgent manner, but relaxed, enjoying her body and the sensations she could bring about in it. She deliberately took a long time to bring on her orgasm and when it did come she allowed it to flow over and through her as she made little gasps of agony and pleasure. The she went to sleep with a smile upon her lips.

Next morning Alex was up before her. She lay awake in bed for a while listening to him whistling in the shower. When she heard him leave the shower she rose and took her own shower and for the first time in ages she felt the pleasure of caressing her own body as she washed.

When she had finished dressing she went down to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for them. She spotted Alex out on the patio and joined him for a moment. It was a typically beautiful day for that time of year, and although it was still early, there could already be heard the voices of children on the beach. Fishing enthusiasts were out in the little boats dangling their lines in the water.

"Hey, Margot," said Alex, "what about that promised swim together?"

"Alex, some of your friends will probably be down on the beach, why don't you join them after breakfast?"

"You're not crying off, are you?" Alex teased.

"No, but you should be with people your own age."

"Well you are my age; you're not any age, and I can be with the others later if I want to, so what about it?"

"All right, but after breakfast...and after a bit of cleaning and clearing up."

"Ma'am," said Alex springing to attention and saluting, "you may inspect my bedroom and you'll find it impeccable."

"Yes, I'm sure I will, let's eat."

After the meal and the clearing up Margot went to her room and put on her bikini. She went down to the lounge where Alex was waiting for her. As she walked in she heard him suddenly draw in a loud breath.

She looked at him to find he was staring at her. "Margot...you look...look..." He stopped, unable to finish. He had a towel over his shoulder but now he removed it and held it so that it hid his rising embarrassment.

Margot felt terrible that she had inspired this erection. She remembered how Mark, seeing her in this bikini, and even after years of marriage, would get an erection and they had to make love before they went to the beach.

She felt she wanted to apologise; to say that it was the only swimming things she had and she wasn't deliberately parading herself before him. She knew this would be foolish and would only make matters worse, so she said as brightly as she could, "Come on, let's go."

She ran out of the house and down to track to the beach, then dropping her towel she continued on into the water, not looking to see if Alex was following.

Margot was not the type of woman who enjoyed deliberately arousing men for the cruel pleasure of seeing their hunger. "I should have realised," she castigated herself. "He's a young man and at the peak of his sexual potency, but I never thought...a woman of my age and he so...surely he would want someone his own age and not...Oh God, what have I done? We're living in the same house and..."

Margot swam out to sea, and she remembered the last time she had swum and the sense of being cleansed she had experienced. She had had her period not long before Alex had come back, and there had been no signs of anything unpleasant by way of disease, so she felt that sex with Bronte had not left her pregnant or diseased.

Not concentrating on what she was doing Margot almost swam out too far and turning back she glimpsed Alex swimming towards her. She swam shorewards wanting to avoid him.

Her mind still churned; "God, why is it that every time I seem to see a bit of light, the darkness comes again? If I've messed up this relationship, if it turns into something more than simple friendship for Alex, what can I do?"

There seemed to be no divine answer.

Getting out of the water Margot ran up the beach and grabbing her towel as she passed made for the house. She flung off her bikini and sorting through her wardrobe chose a dress that she thought was the least alluring.

Alex didn't follow her and it was not until lunch time he appeared.

"Hey, what happened to you, Margot," he asked breezily. "I thought we were going to swim together and have a bit of fun."

"Oh, I thought...I didn't really feel like it, and there was a group your friends there and...well...I thought you'd like to be with them," she ended lamely.

Alex was still wearing his swimming shorts and despite her attempt to look drab she could see he still had an erection. This time he made no attempt to hide it. His breezy manner had gone and he had taken on a serious soulful look.

Margot knew what that look meant. She knew what he wanted and the slightest encouragement from her, even if unintended, could bring about a state of affairs that both of them might end up regretting. She sought to divert the situation and said, "I'll get lunch ready."

"I'll go and get changed," Alex said rather disconsolately, and made to leave the room.

"Are you going back to the beach this afternoon?" Margot called after him.

"Are you?"

"No, I thought I'd go into town and do a bit of shopping."

"Can I come with you?"

"If you want anything I could get it for you."

"No, I don't want anything really, I just thought I'd like...just fancied going with you. I could carry things for you. You did say we could do things together when I came back."

"Oh, all right then, if you really want to come."

Chapter 16. Confusion Twice Confounded.

There were weeks to go before the university began again, and Margot could see that she and Alex would be living at very close quarters, without the need to spend time studying. Her hope was that Alex would spend time with his friends, and possibly meet his sexual needs with one or more of the girls, but if he was going to tag around after her with his soulful looks like a hungry puppy dog, life could become difficult for both of them, and it did indeed become difficult.

As she feared Alex spent a lot of time hanging around her. It was not that he said or did anything that could be interpreted as a sexual approach, but Margot could see the many occasions when Alex clearly had an erection despite his attempts to hide it.

Margot made endless excuses not to go to the beach and swim with him since her bikini seemed to have been the source of their problem. What she did not take account of was that Alex, having once seen her in the bikini, knew now what lay beneath any clothing she wore.

The knowledge that Alex wanted her and they being so much in each other's presence, began to have its effects on Margot. The sight of Alex's erect manhood began to stimulate her. She now had to frequently masturbate to maintain some control over her emotions. She tried to tell herself that her feelings for Alex were still of a maternal nature, but in the end she did not believe it.

Her growing agitation caused her to start snapping at Alex and the climax came when one day she turned on him and said, "For God's sake Alex, stop following me around, you're like a bloody irritating mosquito buzzing around all the time."

Alex looked utterly crestfallen and mumbling an apology left the room.

Quickly Margot felt ashamed of herself. After all, what had Alex really done? He was paying her the compliment of finding her sexually desirable, and that from a young man years younger than she should have been flattering.

Next morning at breakfast Alex was looking very morose. As he finished his glass of orange juice he said, "Margot, I seem to have become nothing but a damned nuisance to you; would you prefer it if I moved out?"

Pride is listed as one of the deadly sins. Sin or not it is certainly something that can easily divide people. Yet pride is so often fear in disguise; fear that we might reveal too much of our feelings and therefore be vulnerable.

Thus there were two people, Margot and Alex, each standing on opposite sides of the divide that was pride. Margot, the woman who had been hurt and was fearful of giving herself to one who might hurt her again, and in addition with the knowledge of the further divide of her age.

Alex, in love with Margot and with powerful sexual feelings for her and also his knowledge of the age gap, and the additional fear that he might make a wrong move and lose the relationship they had.

His suggestion that he might move out was, more than anything, a test or challenge to Margot. If she said "Yes, you'd better leave," he would know that he had no future hope with her. To Margot his question was agony. She knew full well that if she asked him to stay it would be to heap fuel on the fires of their sexual desires. They would be together and Margot was no longer hiding behind the fiction of "maternal love." She admitted to herself that she wanted Alex – wanted him with all the passion of a woman, a woman in love.

Had they been able to talk openly to each other about their feelings – their desires and fears, they might have saved themselves much anguish, but they couldn't.

Margot did not answer Alex's question directly, instead she said, "It's up to you Alex, you must do what you think is best for you."

Given his state of mind it is hardly surprising that Alex read this as a suggestion that he should leave. He rose and said, "Okay, Margot, I'll see what the accommodation situation is at the hostel. It'll probably take a few days to get it sorted out, so I'll stay here until something is fixed, if that's okay."