Down by the River

Grandmother saw the flowers when I arrived home. I could not love her or hate her more than when she looked at those flowers and said nothing. A part of me dreaded her question, but another part of me wanted her to ask, just so that I could finally clear my conscience.

Her question never came. It never will.

*****

The next day, I made sure that I finished all of my chores very early, planning on being by the river before Marcus came. Still, he was already there when I arrived.

"Do you really have nothing better to do in your life, Marcus Laoran?" I teased as I came to meet him in an embrace.

He grinned and kissed my lips. "Nonsense. As far as I am concerned, I am doing the best task I can do in this life."

"Waiting by the river?" I asked, smiling.

"For the most special woman I've met? Of course," he said. Holding my hand, he led me to where he already spread the blanket. "Hungry yet?"

I chuckled as I sat down beside him. "I've just eaten breakfast a while ago." With a sigh, I leaned against him and closed my eyes. "I loved the flowers, by the way. Thank you."

"Wilted ones?" he asked. I felt his lips on my hair. "You are welcome."

"I'm sorry for not coming yesterday," I said, looking up at him and into those honey-coloured eyes. "Something came up, and it distracted me enough to make me forget about the time of day."

He winked and flashed a grin. "I thought you already came to your senses and realized that you can have any man you wish -- most of whom are better than me."

"You jest!" I laughed and pinched his side playfully. "If you think I am not in my right mind, then, I am very sorry to inform you that I am probably going to be stuck in this state for as long as I'm alive."

Marcus sighed and kissed my head again, squeezing my arm. "Selene." He stared into my eyes and frowned slightly at what he saw there. "What's the matter?"

Perhaps, it was just as well that I should tell him what exactly was bothering me. "Lucas and I had an argument the other night. I think that he is still mad at me." I took his hand and stroked it. "He saw the two of us, you know, and he wanted me to stop seeing you. But I cannot do that, Marcus. In the course of our conversation, I managed to hurt him with my words, and now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I want him to understand that I cannot -- that I will not give you up, but that I also did not mean to say what I said to him."

He lifted my chin up so that he could look into my eyes. What I saw in his was a kind of sadness that I did not wish to see in another person's eyes ever again. "I'm starting to ruin the peace of your life, am I not, Selene?"

Suddenly afraid of what he was thinking, I clung to him and held him close. "No, don't say that. You are one of the best things that happened in my life. How can you say that? Maybe I just made the mistake of not introducing you to the people who matter to me, but that's about it. I can always drag you to where they are and introduce you."

A sigh came from him as he held me and stroked my hair. "Would you like to talk to Lucas right now? I'll walk with you to Mary's house, and then you can explain yourself to him. If he wants to see me, just bring him with you."

The idea seemed perfect. Maybe Lucas would understand if he already knew Marcus. "But you cannot walk with me all the way to Mary's house. I don't know how I will explain your presence to her whole family. I'll tell you where to wait for me, and don't you think of leaving me when you're already there, all right?"

He smiled and pulled me to my feet. "Well, then. Let's get moving, madame, before I change my mind and monopolize your attentions again."

*****

Already, my heart felt lighter as Marcus and I walked to Mary's house. I knew I needed to apologize to Lucas before our friendship really crumbled, but, in a corner of my heart, I was afraid to talk to him alone. I did not know if he would listen to me, having seen a different side of him. Marcus' encouragements worked well to give me the courage I needed to talk to Lucas again.

Smoke was coming out of the chimney in Mary's kitchen, reminding me that it was almost time for lunch. Turning to Marcus, I asked him to wait for me in the spot where Lucas, his brothers and I used to play when we were kids. It was the location of an old, dry well, and there were rocks nearby where one could easily hide in case it was necessary. From the house, that spot could not be easily seen, so I was certain that nobody would find Marcus there.

"I'll try to make it as quick as possible," I promised him, smiling as I headed for Mary's house.

As I approached, I saw Jim at the front porch, chisel in hand, working on another piece of wooden sculpture. He was gifted at that, and just last Christmas, he made a beautiful jewellery box for Grandmother. When he saw me, he grinned and waved, calling my name. Jim was two years younger than Lucas, making him just about the same age as me, although he always proudly announced that I was still younger than him by two months.

"What brought this fair lady to our humble dwelling?" he asked, taking my hand as I took the three stair steps that led to their porch.

I gently slapped his arm, making him laugh. "You always make fun of me, James."

He flashed me a grin, winking. I was the only one around here who called him by his given name, and I think he liked me for that.

"Let me take you to Mama," he said, still holding my hand as he led me to the interior of their house. "Mama! Selene's here!"

Mary came rushing from the kitchen, still wiping her hands on the apron around her waist. She beamed as soon as she saw me, and took me in her arms the way she always did. I never knew my mother, but I have always thought that if she were alive, she would be exactly like Mary.

"Selene," she said as she kissed my forehead. "How are you, my child? I hope that everything is all right in your place? Eloisa is all right?"

I assured her that Grandmother was fine. "Although she did not know that I came here."

Mary raised her eyebrows but still held her smile in place. "Well, come and eat lunch with the family. George and Danny are going to be here any minute soon. I just sent them to town to deliver the curtains I made for Mrs. Murray, but they have been gone for hours, and are sure to be near the house now."

"Thank you, Mary, but I won't be staying for long," I told her, beaming. "As I told you, Grandmother has no idea that I am here, so I need to get back as soon as I can. I just need to talk to Lucas for a while. Is he somewhere nearby?"

Upon hearing my request, Mary exchanged glances with Jim. I caught the way their eyes met.

"Why?" I asked softly, taking Mary's hand. "Did he tell you that he does not want to talk to me anymore?"

Mary sighed and smiled at me sadly, patting my hand as she sat beside me. "Lucas left for his Aunt Susanna yesterday morning. I thought the two of you talked the night before? Didn't he go to your place to say goodbye?"

I could not speak. I only shook my head. So, that was what Lucas originally wanted to talk to me about. That was the reason why he visited us unexpectedly.

"How long will he be gone?" I asked Mary, not quite looking at her as I struggled to hold my feelings under control.

"We don't know for sure," Jim answered. "Uncle Matthew's letter only said that he and Aunt Susanna would love to have Lucas to help them manage their estate, as their son was still too young and Uncle Matthew was still recovering from his accident." Then, looking at his mother, he asked, "Where had Lucas gone that night, then?"

"He went to see us," I told them. "I was out walking around the forest when he came, though, so he talked with Grandmother until I got home around sunset. We -- " I cleared my throat, wishing with all my heart that I did not have to weave a web of lies to feed these people. I owed them the truth, but how could I tell them exactly what happened? "We ate dinner and talked afterwards, but he never -- he did not tell me about -- about the summons from your uncle."

Mary sighed and pulled me in an embrace. "Poor child."

The tears that had been threatening to fall for the past few minutes finally found their way down my face. "Mary, Lucas and I had an argument. I said something that might have hurt him, that's why he came home in the middle of the night even though Grandmother insisted that he spend the night with us. I just wanted to apologize. I did not mean what I said."

"Shh," Mary said, stroking my back. "Of course, I'll let him know when we write to him. Lucas will understand, Selene. He will forgive you, so don't you worry about it anymore, all right?"

I doubted that Lucas would understand, but I said nothing, quietly sobbing in his mother's arms. I needed to talk to him, but how could I?

*****

Jim offered to walk me home, but I politely declined, saying that I would rather walk alone. It took me a while to convince him and Mary that I would be all right, but in the end, I won over them. By the time I met with Marcus again, I was already calm, although there was nothing that could take away the heaviness in my heart. I explained everything to him as we started our walk back to the forest; he listened to me, comforting me not by words of false hopes but by just being there, gently squeezing my hand every time I thought I would start crying again.

We arrived at the river after about two hours, and Marcus unpacked the foods he brought along, urging me to eat with him. He was so gentle, so understanding, that I instantly knew: if I haven't fallen for him a long, long time ago, I would surely fall for him right then.

He spent the rest of the afternoon trying to lift my spirits up, and although I still felt bad about not being able to talk to Lucas before he left, I was already feeling better when I told him it was time for me to go home. He offered to help me carry the bucket of water home, and this time, I did not refuse. It still went without saying that my grandmother must not see him, but at last I told him where I lived.

I had to tell Grandmother that Lucas has been summoned by Mary's sister, for I knew that, a week from now, if she saw Jim instead of Lucas walking me home from Mary's, she would ask where Lucas was. Better get it over with as soon as possible. She merely nodded upon hearing the news, perhaps thinking that it was what Lucas told me the night he was supposed to stay but still went home.

Every day from that day onwards, I struggled with the guilt and regret I felt for what I have said to Lucas. I would still spend almost the whole day with Marcus, but at times, when the two of us would just sit side by side, enjoying the moment we had together, my mind would drift back to my best friend, and once more, I would wish that I could go back to that night so that I could refrain from saying what I have said, so that I could erase the pain that it would cause. Whenever he caught me in that mood, Marcus would just smile sadly and pull me close. He had learned not to say anything about it, and for his silence, I was infinitely glad. It was still a sore subject; I could not get over the fact that I hurt Lucas.

The rainy months loomed nearer and nearer, and with the passing of time, the pain and regret I felt somewhat dulled in their intensity. It became easier and easier to laugh and smile and Marcus again, and I once again truly enjoyed our frequent lovemaking. While the pain was still raw, I would sometimes think that Marcus only made love to me to help me forget Lucas, but all of these pitiful thoughts vanished as weeks and then months separated me from that fateful night.

During those times, Marcus and I got closer and closer still. I finally learned that the woman responsible for cooking the foods he always brought was his father's sister, who never married and ended up taking care of him after his own mother died of sickness. His father was still alive, although he lived in a city far away, where he was taking care of their family business -- a business that Marcus would someday inherit. He did not really grow up in our town, for it was his mother's home and he had always stayed with his father, but he visited it from time to time, always with his Aunt Marian. Even now, he was only on vacation, although it was by far the longest vacation he spent in our place.

"It's really hard to leave a place when a lovely spirit of the forest casts a spell on you," he said, grinning, when I asked him why he hasn't come back to his father's estate yet. "You forget about your obligations, but thankfully, your father gives you the time you need to -- "

"Say goodbye to your little spirit friend?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow as he pulled me down on the grass beside him.

He laughed. "What goodbye? The time you need to convince that lovely sprite to leave with you when it is already time for you to go back home."

I held my breath. For a few moments, I allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to leave the forest and live with Marcus. I would finally get to see what the town looked like. He would probably bring me to his father's estate, too. I would meet his Aunt Marian and all the interesting people he knew. I would be able to attend the balls he told me about, enjoy the foods he described to me. I knew it would be a most exciting life.

Yet, I knew that it was not the life for me. He could have been saying the truth when he described me as a spirit of the forest. This forest was my home, and I could not part from it. I could live away from it for a few months, perhaps, but I would always come back.

The reality that I could never be with Marcus hit me with its full force as I lay beside him on the grass, staring at the clear sky. Soon enough, that sky would start welcoming rainclouds, and as soon as it did, I should start preparing for the day I had to say goodbye to Marcus. Suddenly, I remembered Lucas' warning: Marcus would only hurt me. Not if he could help it, I was sure, but fate would hurt me by forcing me to separate from him, for it would always be my weakness that I could never leave the place where I grew up. It seemed to be so unfair.

"Marcus," I groaned, rolling on top of him and looking him in the eyes. "Love me. I need you."

He slightly frowned, stroking my cheeks, perhaps wondering what changed my mood. Even as I smiled at him, I knew that he would see through that smile and unearth the sadness beyond.

"Please, Marcus," I pleaded, already planting kisses on his neck.

Finally, he sighed and rolled me off him so that he was the one on top. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. Inside, my heart was already breaking as I saw clearly the day I must part from him. He took off his clothes, preparing to then take off mine, but I begged him to take me right then, dressed as I was. I only wanted to feel him inside me, to reassure myself that I still had time, that he was still with me. The dread of losing him was starting to gnaw at me; I so badly wanted to fight it off so that it would not taint the moments we had left. Marcus looked somewhat baffled by my request, but my constant pleas and teasing finally weakened his resolve, and he thrust himself inside me, making love to me as lovingly and as gently as he had always done. I clung to him all the while, letting my palms roam over his body, committing to memory the way he felt, the way he smelled, the way he moved. If I had to lose him, I would at least have all these memories of him to hold on to, and maybe it would be enough to last me a lifetime.

I was silently weeping when the two of us reached our climax. Marcus, surprised, asked me if he hurt me at any point, but I only cried in his arms, assuring him that everything was all right and that I had never felt better in my life.

"Selene, what's wrong?" he still asked, shaking his head as he wiped the tears from my eyes.

I shook my head at him, too, and chuckled even as fresh tears escaped my eyes again. I held his face between my palms and pressed my lips to his. "Nothing. I just realized that nobody had ever made me feel as good as you have done, and it touched me so much I could not help but cry."

Heavens! Why did I have to lie?

"Don't cry, then," he said softly, kissing my lids as he pulled me close. "I hate to see those tears flooding from your eyes."

I chuckled again and made him look into my eyes. "I love you, Marcus."

His eyes softened and he kissed my lips passionately, murmuring, "I love you more, Selene," before once more claiming me for himself.

When I came home that evening, I knew that I was less than presentable. My dress was dirty and torn in some places, and my hair was as dishevelled as it had never been before (for there was no time for me to wash it in the river, given that Marcus and I had been making love until sunset). I knew that when Grandmother looked me up and down with raised eyebrows, she was already aware of what I had been up to that afternoon, even though she did not know who was with me. When she opened her mouth to speak, I believed that I would get the worst scolding of my life, but she only told me to change my clothes and tidy myself for dinner.

"I hope he is worth it," she said softly as I passed her on my way to my room.

I bit my lips and nodded, hiding the tears that escaped my eyes afterwards.

*****

Three days after that crazy afternoon, just a week before the first rainfall of the season came, Marcus gave me a very valuable present that I never thought I would ever receive. It was the portrait of a woman with dark, wavy hair and lightly tanned skin. Her full lips were slightly parted, and there was a look of surprise in her deep brown eyes. She wore a simple white dress that clung to her figure beautifully. The portrait only showed her from the middle of the calf up, but I could imagine that her feet were under water, and the hem of her white dress was already soaked.

"Beautiful, isn't she?" Marcus said softly as he encircled my waist with his arms, hugging me from behind. "The first time I saw her, I thought she was a water nymph, but the way she reacted to my nakedness told me that, for all her godly beauty, she was all too human. I might have stopped thinking of her as an unearthly being, but I could not keep her out of my mind ever since."

"It is very beautiful," I told him quietly as I gently laid the framed portrait on the blanket.

"Because you are," he said.

As tears streamed down my face, I held him close. "Thank you."

"No," he said, kissing my tears away. "Thank you."

I clung to him and willed myself to stop crying. Dear heavens, why did I have to let this man go?

*****

It was on that first day of the rainy season that realized just how soon I had to let him go. There was no rain yet -- just a drizzle -- but it was already an indication that the wet months were coming. Grabbing the only umbrella in our house, I made my way to the river, where Marcus, as usual, was waiting for me. As soon as I saw him, I left the safety of my umbrella and just ran forward, wanting nothing more than to be in his arms. He laughed at my eagerness and whirled me around before the two of us collapsed laughing on the grass.

He rolled on top of me and started nibbling at my lower lip while his hands roamed over my body. The tiny drops of rain on my skin, coupled with the soft blow of the wind, made me shiver, but instead of dampening it, it only succeeded on igniting my passion. Marcus started kissing me through the soaked dress I wore, but I stopped him, wrestling against him until he was the one lying beneath me.

"Let me," I said, winking at him before teasing him out of his clothes.

Starting from his face, I planted small kisses on his skin, sometimes biting him teasingly. Using my tongue, I played with his nipples, earning a throaty groan from him. From there, I kissed my way down and down still, until I could already feel his manhood bumping on my neck.