Down by the River Ch. 03

"Are we invited to the picnic?" Lucas prompted, already peeling a banana for me.

"I do not remember hearing Mother say that you two can join us," Jim answered, chuckling.

My mouth fell open. "Do you mean to say that we are forbidden to join you?"

"Oh, well," he said, shrugging as he headed for the back door. "You can follow if you want. I know that they will love having you there. But, of course, everyone will also understand if you two decide to stay home alone..."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I asked, glaring at him while a blush rose up my cheeks.

Jim laughed as he waved to us, walking backwards away from the house. "It's not as if we don't know what you two were up to! In fact, Mary checked on Lucas this morning before breakfast, and found that his room was empty. That could only mean one thing."

Oh my god...

Lucas laughed. "Well, don't tell us that she checked on Selene's room, too?"

"Mother already knows that you two will be there, so, why would she even check on you?" Jim said, laughing, too. "She did not want to see the state in which you were in."

"Until what time are you going to be down there?" Lucas asked.

"We're possibly spending all day down by the river," answered Jim, grinning. "So, do follow if you want."

With that, he waved again and turned his back on us. Lucas handed me the banana he peeled, before grabbing one for himself.

"So, what's the plan?" he asked me when I started eating the banana.

"We follow them, of course," I said, sitting by the table as Lucas started placing some dishes there. "Oh, that was embarrassing."

"What is?"

"Mary finding out."

He chuckled. "She's bound to find out sooner or later, anyway. Just be glad that I was in your room when she decided to check on me. Imagine if it were you who were visiting me last night, or if she checked on you instead."

My face burned at that idea. Surely, I did not want Mary seeing Lucas and me sleeping on the bed together, especially when the two of us were naked. It was one thing for her to know, another for her to see.

The two of us proceeded on eating breakfast, barely talking to each other. We decided that we would follow as soon as we were done eating. After all, it would be selfish to stay at home when everybody was in the river together. We would be leaving in less than a week, and every moment spent with the others had to count. It was enough that Lucas and I spend the nights together; we would spent the days with them.

After grabbing towels and fresh change of clothes, the two of us headed for the river.

"Tell me about what I should expect in a week," I told him when we were on our way.

"Hmm." He looked amused. "The coach will come and fetch us. The coachman's name is Wilson, and he has a wife and two little boys living in Uncle Matthew's lands. He is a nice sort of man, and very good at taking care of the horses and the coaches owned by our uncle. He will be our only company during the day and a half journey to the estate."

I raised an eyebrow. "A day and a half?"

"We are going to stay the night in an inn along the way," he explained.

I merely nodded. Butterflies were starting to whirl around my stomach again. The prospect of travelling to another place was both exciting and frightening. I had seen many different kinds of people in my life, but those were only ones who visited Grandmother and me in the forest. Almost all of them were the nice kinds, since they were Grandmother's friends.

But, as soon as my uncle's coach comes to fetch me and Lucas, I would step into another world -- a world I only knew through the stories of the people closest to me -- of Mary's family, of Grandmother, and of Marcus.

Marcus.

I held my breath when I remembered him. I wondered where he was. He once told me that he only came to our town to take a vacation, since his mother was hailed from here, but that he lived with his father, who lived in a city far away. How far was it? I wondered

When I looked at him, I realized that Lucas was watching me closely.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I'm just wondering if I'd like life in my uncle's estate."

"Hmm." He took my hand and squeezed it. "Don't worry about it. I bet that Aunt Susanna, Uncle Matthew, Andrew, and all the rest of the household are going to do their best to make sure that you enjoy your stay there. But first, of course, your uncle will introduce you to his friends."

"Why would he do that?" I asked, frowning.

"Because you are his niece, silly," he answered, chuckling. "Uncle Matthew wants to recognize you as such, remember? Of course, he will introduce you to his friends and business associates."

Business.

For some reasons, I was having bad feelings about all these...

Marcus' father had a business. It was something that Marcus would inherit one day. I desperately hoped that he was not one of my uncle's friends. I did not particularly like the idea of seeing Marcus again. After the relationship we've had...

I would love to see Marcus, of course -- if only it was as simple as that. I would love to see my friend -- because he was both a friend and a lover to me. Not as close a friend as Lucas had been, but Marcus and I shared many similarities that were enough to make me love him as a friend.

But after what happened between us, I did not know how I would face him again.

No, I did not regret what I had shared with Marcus. He was my first lover, and the love we shared was amazing. It was something beautiful, something precious. Nobody could ever regret something like that. In a way, I was even thankful for the experience I've had with him -- because it showed me how deep a connection could run between a man and a woman. My time with him was something that I would treasure forever.

Still, we never said goodbye properly. There was never a closure to our relationship. He left and he never came back, and that was it. No tears, no goodbyes.

I never hated him for leaving. Even then, I knew that it was inevitable. We belonged to different worlds. I could not leave my life in the forest for him, even though I did love him. Maybe, it was partially because I did not love him enough to choose him over what my simple life offered. And I could not ask him to leave his life for me, because I did not want to be selfish.

And now, I wondered for the first time: would he have left everything behind if I asked him to just live with me?

Something told me that he would have. He loved me enough to turn his back on everything that he had treasured. Maybe that was partially the reason why he left without saying goodbye. He knew I would never ask him to stay, and he just could not bear to say goodbye to me. And, maybe, he knew that the love I felt for him was not as strong as what he felt for me.

I suddenly felt sick.

Dear god, let my speculations be wrong...

"Are you okay, Selene?"

Lucas was already looking at me with worry. He held me at arm's length, looking into my eyes.

"I just remembered..." I said softly. "I just remembered Marcus."

He was surprised at that, but he tried his best not to let his feelings show. "What about him?"

"Do you think he..." I had to clear my throat to be able to continue. "Do you think he loved me?"

Marcus had been a subject of our conversations more than once. The two of them had so many similarities, and it was so apparent that Lucas finally said he did not want to know everything I knew about Marcus. Still, he knew enough.

I could tell that this conversation was somewhat hard on Lucas. I could only imagine why. If I reached out, I could imagine myself being able to touch his very tangible fear.

"He did," Lucas answered softly. "He loved you. He would not have come to the river everyday if he did not. He would not have expressed his wish to introduce you to his family if he did not. He would not have built that shed for you, would not have asked you to come with him..."

He stopped, swallowing hard as he looked away. I did not need to have special powers to know what was going on in his head. What if I wanted to be with Marcus? What if I left him?

Somewhat feeling guilty, I touched his arm. "Lucas..."

Lucas looked at me and shook his head, placing my face between his palms before resting his forehead on mine. He closed his eyes and whispered, "If it is going to hurt, Selene, I'd rather not hear it."

I chuckled as tears raced down my cheeks. "It's not going to hurt you, silly. I just remembered him, and I wonder if I had hurt him very much. If he had loved me the way that I love you, Lucas, then, I must have hurt him so much. He's my friend; I wouldn't wish to hurt him so."

Feeling the tears that escaped my eyes, he wiped them away before kissing my forehead and pulling me close. "If he loves you this much, Selene, he is going to understand. Loving somebody does not always mean fighting for her. Sometimes, it means making sacrifices by giving her up once you know that there is someone else she loves more than how she loves you."

Still crying, I hugged Lucas tightly. "I only wish that he had not loved me that much. I do not want to cause him so much pain."

Lucas pulled away gently to look into my eyes. "Selene, because Marcus loves you, he must know you. He must know that you would never hurt anybody if you could help it. He will understand even if you hurt him that much. He will forgive you."

"But, why was it that you were so mad at me when you came back?" I asked him.

He smiled gently. "I was not mad at you; I was mad at myself. Besides, I did not want you to get too close, because I did not want you to hurt me more."

I leaned against him and closed my eyes again. "Then, I hope he will never cross paths with me again, so that I cannot hurt him more. I don't want to hurt him."

We stayed unmoving, with Lucas holding me as I cried the tears that only a friend could shed for someone who matters. I wished I had discovered my love for Lucas sooner, before Marcus and I ever met, so that I did not have to hurt Marcus at all. What happened between us was not something to regret, yet I regretted ever meeting with him. Could the pain he would suffer -- the pain he was suffering -- be worth it all?

I did not know how long we stayed like that, but, finally, I calmed down. Let providence do what she will; I could only stand here and wait.

*****

Danny, Jim, and George were already swimming on the river when Lucas and I got there. Mary greeted me with a hug and a kiss as soon as she saw us. Nothing about what she had found out could be seen on her face, yet I knew by the way she smiled at me that she was finally certain of what Lucas and I were feeling for each other.

Grandmother was inside the shed Marcus built, sitting on the bench. The blanket that witnessed the love that developed between Marcus and me sat beside her, carefully folded. She, too, hugged and kissed me when I went inside to greet her.

Lucas immediately joined his brothers and father, while I joined Mary as she unpacked two of the baskets they brought.

"This is a very beautiful day, isn't it?" Mary said, beaming down at me as I spread a blanket over the grass.

"Very beautiful, yes," I agreed, taking one basket and unpacking it.

She sighed. "I remember when I was still young. George and I were just about to get married, and your mother was even more excited than I was about the upcoming wedding."

We both sat on the blanket when the foods were already out of the baskets. She proceeded on telling me the story.

"Catherine was my best friend, as you know," Mary recalled. "She was a very beautiful woman, and there was a time when I was even jealous of her because George was always with her. As it turned out, my husband was just bugging her to help him get close to me." She laughed. "Poor Catherine got tired of ignoring George and finally helped him, to George's great delight. It was only a year later that the two of us got married.

"Your mother's greatest dream was to have her own family," she continued. "But she wanted the perfect husband for herself. There were many who came and asked for her hand in marriage, but she refused them all. Then, in the summer of her nineteenth birthday, Nathan and Matthew Riles came to town, both of whom became the object of every woman's fancy.

"Catherine and I were buying fabric for Mother's use when Nathan approached us. He was a very handsome man, very nice, very sweet, and Catherine instantly fell in love with him. He offered to help us carry our load home, and from that time onwards, he was always nearby, always looking for a chance to see your mother."

I did not know what I was feeling as I heard this story, but I knew that I wanted to hear all of it. Mary went on to say that, as time passed by, Mother and Father spent more and more time together. At first, Mary was always with them, but taking care of Lucas was her top priority, so sometimes, she could not come with Mother whenever she met with Nathan Riles. Sometimes, Matthew would visit Mother, too, but even though Mother enjoyed being with his company, she was never as happy as when she was with the older brother.

"Your mother got pregnant when she was twenty," Mary said, smiling as she took my hand. "She was as old as you are now. We were all shocked, but Catherine did not care. Nathan promised to marry her, and she loved him too much to doubt his words. I was also pregnant then, and she would always say that her child would grow up with my children, and that all of you would be friends the way that she was friends with Susanna and me." She looked at her family in the river. "She was not wrong. You grew up with my boys and only Lucas had the guts enough to not treat you as his sister."

Even though I knew that she was only teasing me, I blushed and stammered. "Uhmm.. Mary -- "

She laughed. "Don't worry about it. If Catherine were alive, she would be delighted to know that you and Lucas are in love with each other. Lucas was already in this world before Catherine had you, you know, and she was very fond of him. She was Lucas' godmother, and she was always taking care of my son whenever I was too busy to do so. Even when Catherine and Eloisa were already living in the forest, she would come to our house to see Lucas. Two months before she gave birth to you, Jim was born, and even though she loved him, she loved Lucas even more.

"And even then, Lucas already loved you," Mary chuckled. "He would rather sit by Catherine and feel you kicking from the womb than play with his brother. And Catherine really loved my son as though he was hers." She sighed. "How I wished Catherine did not die with her heart broken by the only man she loved. She deserved to be happy."

I put my head on her shoulder, and Mary hugged me. "Do you know what happened to my father?"

"Nathan left when Catherine was three months pregnant," she answered. "He said that it was so that he could take care of things. Matthew remained here and continued to look after Catherine, partially for his brother, but mostly because he loved Catherine, too. For months, Matthew would not say anything about the business that took Nathan away, and as his resentment for his brother grew and grew, we realized that Nathan might never return. Even to this day, we do not know what happened to your father."

"Do you think Uncle Matthew knows?" I asked.

"Most likely," she said. "He never answered us whenever we asked him, even after Catherine died. Your mother never asked him, perhaps because she knew that Matthew loved her and she did not want to hurt him even more by constantly looking for Nathan. Maybe you should ask Matthew when you finally meet him. You have the right to know, since you are Nathan's child."

I nodded, not knowing what to say. I just watched George and his sons as they swam on the river. I did not even know what I was feeling. For most of my life, all I heard were fragments of the story of my mother's ill-fated love. This was just another fragment, telling me the story of how she met my father. I wondered, would my uncle tell me the whole story? Would it make me hate my father less?

I have always resented my father. Even though Grandmother warned me about hating him when I still did not know the whole story, I could not help but hate him for what he did. It did not help that nobody could tell me the whole story.

"Your mother has always loved this river," Mary broke my reverie. "I believe that this was where you were conceived."

I swallowed. Now, that was something nobody ever told me before.

Before I could think of anything to say, George and his sons started heading towards us, all of them dripping wet. It was already time to eat lunch. Perhaps, I would get to talk to Mary some other time.

*****

When lunch was over, George took Danny and Jim with him to look for fruits inside the forest. Mary started bathing in the river, and Grandmother asked Lucas and me for an audience inside the shed. It was one of those conversations that I would never ever forget for as long as I lived.

"Do you both remember when, as children, I would always scold you for going to this river?" Grandmother fondly remembered. "You two were very, very stubborn. Nothing I said about the dangers of going to the river ever got into your heads." She lightly tapped Lucas' shoulder. "Especially you, young man."

"It was always Selene's idea that we go to the river," Lucas defended himself.

"Why did you always have to come with her?" Grandmother asked. "She would have listened to you had you told her that you were not allowed. And you always took the blame for dragging her here."

I started to giggle. Lucas was my servant, bound to obey me, as ordered through the rules of our childhood games. He was my slave; I was his princess.

"I promised to give Selene whatever it was she asked for," Lucas answered, grinning. "It did not matter if I would get in trouble because of her."

Grandmother smiled. "It was because of that kind of devotion that you showed her even when you were still children that I came to the conclusion that everything would lead to this."

"To what?" I asked her.

"To this," Grandmother answered, taking both Lucas' and my hands and pressing them together. "To the two of you falling in love. I never doubted that."

"Not even when you knew that I was meeting a man by this river?" I asked her.

"Not even then," Grandmother told me. "I saw the two of you growing up together. I saw the love that existed between you even before either of you was old enough to actually recognize it. I never had any doubts regarding who would claim my grandchild's heart one day."

Lucas and I exchanged glances and smiles. I felt his hand squeezing mine, even though Grandmother was still holding both our hands.

"Lucas, will you promise to always take care of Selene?" Grandmother asked, looking at Lucas.

"I spent most of my life doing that, Grandmother," Lucas answered readily. "And I will spend the rest of my life doing just that."

"Love her for as long as you live," Grandmother told him.

"I will," Lucas promised, looking at me. "For as long as I live."

Grandmother smiled and turned to me. "And you, young lady..."

"I will always love Lucas, Grandmother," I told her, placing my other hand over hers and squeezing it. "I will never stop loving him."

Finally, she released our hands and sighed. "This river has always been yours. This river witnessed the progression of your relationship up to this moment." She looked at the shed protecting the three of us from the sun and smiled. "People have come and might come again to share this river with you, but it will never be theirs the way that it is yours right now and for all the years to come. When either of you doubts about the future, go back to this river, or at least think about it, and remember the promises you have just spoken to me. Remember those promises and believe in the love that prompted you to speak those. Do you understand?"