Driving Home for Christmas

"You married him soon enough though didn't you?"

"I was going to fight you, drag the divorce out for years but in the end I didn't have the stomach for it. It was affecting my work, people were advising me to accept it and move on."

"One of those people was your friendly arsehole, right?"

"You really didn't like him did you?"

"You think I should?"

"No I suppose not. He certainly took me in. I got very depressed and lonely out there and he helped me, he really did. I thought he really loved me and it was very flattering to have a twenty five year old telling you how beautiful you are and how much he loved you. I didn't want to be alone. I swear to you Drew, right up to the wedding, if you'd turned up at my door and offered me a chance I would have turned my back on everything and come back with you."

"I thought I did, and you didn't."

"But that was before and I didn't know it was you. I used to dream that you would ride in to rescue me. You would say that you forgive me and that we could try again, but you never came. It wasn't until Phoebe came out for the wedding that I found out how ill I had made you. You're probably sick of hearing me say this, but I really am so sorry. I had this idea that you were out living the bachelor life. When I rang you and that woman spoke to me it only confirmed what Ion was saying."

"She came to help me get my head out of my arse. She did a damn good job too."

"I know that now, but at the time you weren't speaking to me, David wasn't speaking to me and Phoebe was under instructions not to talk about you. I really thought you were over here living the life of Riley while I was moping about waiting for you to rescue me. In the end I gave in to Ion's pressure and said yes."

"So was everything in the garden lovely"

"Not really. Things were OK in Romania, even after he lost his job, but I'm sure he knew there were always three people in our bed. After you'd thrown me out all I could do was compare him to you. The novelty of his youth had worn off and I found my self imagining it was you making love to me. When we got to Britain it all began to fall apart. Phoebe and David never accepted him and his dreams of being some hotshot interpreter soon proved to be just that, dreams. He blamed me for that. Somehow it was because of him being married to me that stopped him getting the jobs he wanted. I became so unhappy. I used to park just up the road and watch you mowing the front lawn."

"I know I saw you. I never understood why you did that."

"Strangely enough neither did I. I would sit there and imagine none of it had ever happened. We were still married and I was inside making lunch while you mowed the lawn. I know it sounds crazy but for that half an hour or so, I felt happy. Of course, it only made things worse when I went home to Ion. It all came to a head when he sold my rings, the ones you sent back to me. I know your note was meant to hurt me, and it did, why not, I deserved it. Having those rings meant more to me than you can imagine. When I found them missing we had a blazing row and he hit me. I threatened to go to the police if he didn't give me the money he got for them and tell me which jeweller he'd sold them to. He knew that a criminal record meant he'd be deported, so he gave in. I still had to pay the jeweller his profit margin to get them back."

"When you left I started visiting your mum. I always liked her and to my surprise she didn't judge me. She made it clear that Ion would never be welcome, but that didn't matter. I know that I'm to blame for the mess we are in, and I've never said any different. I thought that getting closer to your mum might actually get me closer to you. --Yes even before Ion left I wanted to have this talk with you. I was relieved when he left, though I never wished him dead."

"Surprisingly enough neither did I. I wanted him to suffer for what he did to us, but I never wanted him dead. It looks like he upset people much more powerful than me."

"What about you Drew, what have you been doing. Is there someone special up in Ullswater; or are you as alone as I am?"

"Bonnie lives with me, she keeps me company. We go fell walking at the weekends." I noticed the disappointment on her face.

"What about this morning, won't she be upset about that?"

"I doubt it. I'll probably tell her, but her love is unconditional."

"So where is she now? Why didn't she come with you?"

"She's staying with friends. She doesn't like the journey."

I noticed a tear in her eye as we leaned on the railings at the cliff's edge. I felt mean letting her believe I'd moved on but it was better than giving her false hope. We watched ships moving up the English Channel.

"I wonder what it's like for them," I said deliberately changing the subject.

"Sorry, you've lost me."

"The crews out there on those ships; I wonder what Christmas is like for them?"

"I suppose for them Christmas was just another day. I mean all the work still has to be done."

We both started to feel the cold so we walked back to the house for lunch.

We spent the rest of the day with the family until Phoebe took Penny home. Throughout the day we were both getting curious looks from our children. The next day when I packed up to go home, Phoebe and Robert tried to persuade me to stay until New Year. However, I needed to get back to pick up Bonnie.

We had a great New Year party down at the Black Lion. Molly was there with her husband Derek. I was there with Bonnie, she loved a party. Normally Bonnie was a babe magnet but New Year seemed to be a time for couples. Still there were plenty of friends there. New Year's Day was recovery day, apart from taking Bonnie out I did nothing much. The same went for the 2nd. It was about 6 PM when the knock came on the door. Bonnie raced to the door and bounded out as soon as I opened it. That's when from the darkness came a voice I knew only too well.

"Well hello. You must be Bonnie. You are lovely; I hope he looks after you well."

She stepped into the light from the open door. "Penny! What are you doing here?"

"I came to be with you. You might have told me Bonnie was your dog."

"You didn't ask. But it makes no difference... I suppose you want to come in?"

"Well it would be nice after coming all this way."

I invited her in and picked up her bag. Bonnie's tail hadn't stopped wagging and as Penny sat down, Bonnie started licking her hands.

"I'm glad someone's pleased to see me Bonnie.My you're lovely. I bet he uses you to get to meet all the pretty girls."

"Yes, Yes and Yes. Yes someone is pleased to see you, Bonnie is too. Yes, she is lovely, and yes she does attract a lot of attention, some of it female."

"Did I hear you right? You did say you were pleased to see me, right?"

"Well I did....I am, but ... but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm happy that we can be friends again but that's all it will ever be Pen, just friends."

"So can I stay for a while? We can be friends; we can be anything you like."

"Haven't you got work to go to?"

"No I'm between jobs. I really am a free woman now. Who knows if I like it, I might even get a job up here. Maybe buy a cottage."

I took her up to the spare room and put the case down.

"You can unpack while I get dinner ready. I hope Lasagne is okay."

"Anything you want to cook is fine by me."

That was how it started. When I went back to work she had a meal waiting for me when I got home. She started taking Bonnie out for walks in the mornings. At weekends she would come with us when I took Bonnie out on the fells. We weren't a couple as such but an outside observer would have got a very different idea. It was two weeks before she came to my bed on a Saturday morning. The excuse was to bring a morning cup of coffee but that seemed to include getting into the bed with me. No, I didn't stop her, and yes I did enjoy it, especially when she took me in her mouth. She'd never done that for me in all the years we were married. I felt a tremendous release as I filled her mouth with sperm. When she swallowed it all I was amazed.

I looked at her as she wiped her lips with her finger.

"I suppose I have Damanescu to thank for that?"

She came back up the bed kissing my chest. "You don't have to thank him for anything. I've never done that for anyone else. If you want to thank someone, thank the porn sites and adult chat rooms. The chat rooms taught me that most men like it and the porn sites showed me how to do it. Now I've seen how much you like it, I wish I'd done it years ago."

We cuddled for a while.

"Can we manage this Drew? I do so love being here with you. I know you say we can never go back but if we can stay friends like this and enjoy each other from time to time, it would mean so much to me."

"I enjoy it too, but I don't want you getting the wrong idea. There is no way back. I'm happy to be your friend and I enjoy having sex with you, I like that very much. But I am no longer in love with you. If I feel attracted to another woman I will act on it, and if the right woman comes along, then I may well try again."

She hugged me tight. "If that's all I can get, I'll settle for that."

She pushed her hips hard against me as she started running her hands over my chest then down to my waist. I felt myself starting to get hard again. She started to stroke my cock which immediately responded.

"Now do you think you've got enough in you to give a girl a good time?"

"It's looking good so far, so I'll give it my best shot"

She giggled and swung her leg across me. I felt her hand guiding me into her love passage. As she pushed her hips down she let out a loud sigh and I felt her wet silky walls sliding over my hard cock. I started to massage her breasts rubbing her nipples with my thumbs, feeling her forcing herself down onto me as I did so. She lay down on my chest holding me tight to her as my hands wandered over her back and down into her arse crack. I started to run my finger around her anus as she ground her pussy against me. As I slipped my finger into her backdoor, her groans started and I started to pump into her. The sweat was pouring off of her and she started to roar as her orgasm ripped through her. I felt semen pumping into her as she hit her peak. We skipped breakfast, as we didn't get up until midday.

I really enjoyed her company and the sex was better than when we were married but I was concerned that she was reading too much into our relationship. I resisted all her attempts to move permanently into my bedroom and made a point of waiting for her to come to me for sex. By the end of the first month she'd found a job working for the local tourist board. During the summer she started looking at cottages. Of course she was never really serious, it was just her way of testing to see if I wanted her to stay.

Throughout the winter and spring terms, I behaved very much as normal. Before Penny moved in I would call Molly if I was going to be late home so that she could take Bonnie out for me. The only change was that I now phoned Penny. She never asked me what I was doing and I never told her. Of course, a lot of my late nights were due to college events, but I also had a few dates. It wasn't until the start of the autumn term that things went wrong.

It was September and as usual my friendly lab equipment rep came to see me. The unusual thing was that this time it was a Friday. Over dinner she told me all about the break up of her relationship. I wasn't surprised; the way we seemed to end up in bed every time she came told me she wasn't really committed to anyone. I normally went home in the small hours to get a few hours sleep before returning to work. This time she was having none of that.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked as I got up.

"I was going to get dressed and go home."

"Oh no your not! I've got this room until 11 AM and I was looking forward to breakfast in bed. You're not going to work tomorrow, so come back here and make love to me."

Call me weak but that was an offer I couldn't refuse. It was midday Saturday when I got home. I wasn't prepared for what awaited me. Bonnie ran up to greet me; it was while I was making a fuss of her that I heard Penny.

"Oh that's nice Bonnie; he's remembered where he lives."

I looked around and saw her red eyed and sad looking.

"You just had to rub my nose in it didn't you?"

"What are you talking about Pen I called didn't I?"

"Yes you called as you always do and I tried to pretend it was nothing, just like I always do. How am I supposed to pretend everything is rosy when you stay out all night?"

"Penny, I've never said we were anything more than friends. I thought you understood that."

"I know that and I know I'm being stupid, but I can't help it. I love you. I was beginning to think you still loved me."

"I do Pen, I do love you, just not the way you want me to."

"And what about her? Do you love her? "

"No I don't, she's good company, and we have fun together, just like we do, you and me."

"But you fucked her though didn't you."

"Yes I did, and I enjoyed it just the way I enjoy it with you. I told you when you came up here, if a lovely young woman wants me to sleep with her then yes I'm going to do it. We're not married any more. I thought you understood that."

"I did, I do, but I thought that......I don't know...I thought we were getting beyond that. I thought we were..."

She saw me shaking my head and her speech tailed off as the tears came to her eyes. I walked over and put my arm around her shoulders.

"Is she the one Drew? You know the one you're waiting for."

"No she's not. I let her get away some time ago so I'm not even waiting for her she's gone."

"But I'm still here."

"I know that but you're not the one. You used to be, but not anymore."

She burst into tears and ran upstairs to her room. I felt like a right bastard. The only thing, from which I could draw comfort, was that seemed to understand the position at last.

That day seemed to mark a turning point for Penny. She lost interest in everything except Bonnie. She stopped taking as much care with her appearance she lost her appetite and she didn't seem to be sleeping well. At every opportunity she would take Bonnie out walking on the fells. I got concerned enough to make an appointment for her to see the doctor. I even went with her to make sure she kept the appointment. He put her on antidepressants and they did improve things. However, her state of mind still worried me. When I got home one foggy November Friday night and found Bonnie waiting for me on the front doorstep, alarm bells rang.

I tried her phone and let it ring until it went to voicemail. My next call was to the local Police Station. The sergeant, Ed Pembury, was a friend and he immediately got on to the phone company to do a triangulation on Penny's phone. When it showed the position as being near one of the fell paths he called out mountain rescue. By 8 PM they were assembled and waiting for the search helicopter. The fog got thicker and the clouds sank lower. It was too dangerous for low level flight and mountain rescue would not search in the dark and fog so we waited until morning. At first light the fog was starting to lift. As we reached the location given for her phone I started ringing her number. We found the phone after only twenty minutes, Unfortunately Penny wasn't with it. The Mountain rescue boys found the point at which she'd slipped and she must have dropped the phone. We found her about half an hour later, Unconscious and suffering severe Hypothermia with a broken arm and a broke ankle. Even with her injuries she'd crawled two hundred metres in search of shelter. We called in the air ambulance and the rescue guys got her laid out on a stretcher. I held her hand and while we waited for the helicopter, and she momentarily came round. She looked at me and smiled.

" Drew. I knew you'd come. Is Bonnie with you?"

"Bonnie is fine, now save your strength" I said "We're just waiting for the helicopter. You'll be in hospital soon, everything will be alright." I looked around and saw the paramedic shaking his head.

As the helicopter came in I could see her trying to say something but the noise was too great to hear her. I bent down and put my ear close to her mouth in order to hear what she was saying.

"I love you Drew. Always have and always will."

Those were the last words she ever said to me. She passed out as the helicopter touched down, and never regained consciousness.

"What? What's the problem?

Brenda Lee was on the radio, Rocking around the Christmas Tree.

"You really aren't very good company today. When you're not asleep, you're in a world of your own and nothing gets in or out. You're nearly home. We're going to see your children and your grandson. You should be happy."

"I'm sorry, I know you're right it's events of the past coming back to haunt me. It amazing how many significant events in my life have happened at or around Christmas."

"I know that, but you have to put it behind you. I want to see you with a smile on your face when we get there."

"I will don't worry. Is that all you wanted to say?"

"No it isn't, we're coming to the end of the M2. Is it best to continue onto the A299 or should I turn off and go down the A2 down towards Canterbury?"

"It's as broad as it is long. I usually take the A2, then turn off for Aylesham. It's no shorter I just like driving through Wingham."

"OK, that's the way we'll go." She looked over at me. "Are you sure you're alright? We can always stop somewhere for you to get your head together."

"No I'm fine, honestly."

She gave me a worried look. "So what's got you so absorbed, that you can't even talk to me?"

"If I said it was the funeral what would you say?"

"I'd tell you to stop dwelling on the past. You were not to blame for any of it."

"I know that, it's just that the inquest was last December so Christmas was a bit rough to say the least."

"Oh Yes, I see now. It must have been quite a challenge."

"It was, but we're over it now. This year should be much better. I've got you."

She reached over and squeezed my hand. "That's right you have, you old charmer."

Boney M started singing Mary's Boy Child. As the end of motorway signs came into view, I relaxed back into the seat and let her handle the driving.

Penny's death shook us all up. David and Phoebe were devastated at the loss of their mother and while I tried to hold it together for them, it hurt me deeply. It's hard saying goodbye to more than twenty years of your life without a tear or two. Because there were no signs of foul play, the body was released for internment within a couple of days. We held the funeral down in Kent where the children and the rest of her family could attend. Penny's two sisters seemed reluctant to talk to me. I'd heard them talking, There were rumours of suicide and, of course I must have driven her to it. I ignored them but David picked up on it. He was furious and interrupted the wake to deal with it.

"I'm sorry to spoil the occasion for you all but there are rumours circulating in this room that must be put to rest. My mother, Penny, had an accident, she slipped and fell. She did not commit suicide. For what it's worth she was ill and dad did all he could to look after her."

He looked around the group and his gaze settled on his two aunts. He continued to speak and it was obvious who the speech was aimed at. "My dad did the best he could for mum, maybe more than she deserved. He certainly did more for her than any of those walking around today talking behind their hands. There will be an inquest in two weeks in Penrith anybody interested is welcome to attend. In the mean time if you want to spread your rumours then you'll have to do it elsewhere because you won't be welcome around Phoebe and me."