Jackson Hole

*-*-*

At 6:30 am, like clockwork, I dressed, and headed for the donut shop. Habit. The coffee cleared my head and I was finally able to calm down a little and think. I got a dozen donuts and three coffees to go and headed back to the motel. They were all still sleeping so I quietly put the food near the microwave. Without even thinking, I gathered up my clothes and other gear and headed back out the door to my bike.

It was pretty obvious that I didn't intend to come back. I took all my clothes and the camping gear, leaving Kate's stuff in her saddlebag liner on the bed. I had no idea what their reaction was when they woke up, but it's certain it wasn't pretty.

Kate called me a dozen times that day, but I didn't answer. The first messages were so venomous, I'm surprised my phone didn't melt. She was angry about the humiliation of being pulled out of bed, angry about me taking off, angry about my thoughtlessness and childishness. Angry, angry, angry.

The last few sounded genuinely concerned. Probably only to lure me back so she could kill me. Concern that something happened to me on the bike, concern that I wasn't coming home, concern that she was losing me over something she thought was unimportant. I don't regret not answering her because I didn't know the answer to any of those concerns either.

When Carol realized I was not coming back to the motel, she called me to make sure I was OK. I thought about not answering, but relented.

"You OK, Rick?"

"I've been better. I'm just going to lay low for awhile and get my bearings."

"Well, I wish you had stayed so we could all have it out. Sorry, but I think it was selfish and childish to run off like that."

"Whatever. One of Kate's messages said the same thing. I don't seem to be anyone's favorite right now. Does Kate know you're calling?"

"No."

"Don't tell her. At least no details yet."

"OK, but I think you're wrong to run away. The sooner you face this, the better. Anyway, I made Kate get a separate room for tonight. We'll get a cab for her in the morning to take her to the airport so she can fly home. We'll make sure she's OK."

Kate caught a flight out of Jackson for home the next day. She continued to call, but not as often. The messages were painful to listen to. Sometimes I don't. Carol and Danny also left for home the next day.

*-*-*

After leaving Kate in Jackson with Danny and Carol, I wandered around aimlessly on the bike for what seemed like an eternity.

Somehow I found my way to Amarillo, a thousand miles away. I wasn't headed anywhere specific and Amarillo was about as non-specific as it gets. The whole experience in Jackson was overwhelming. We had toured on the bikes with Danny and Carol for years and never so much as flirted. How in hell did we end up actually swapping? Twice? It seems like a bad dream.

It started innocently enough with Danny and I kissing our own wives. I have no idea how he ended up kissing Kate and I ended up kissing Carol, but it happened. When it heated up, we all set some rules to keep it from getting out of hand and hurting someone. Well, it did get out of hand, and it hurt four people, possibly two marriages and long-standing friendships. It was just too much to deal with and I ran from it.

Replaying it all in my mind, I saw several instances where I could have stopped it cold before anything happened. Or at least before it got serious. Hell, at least I could have stopped it after that first night. But I didn't. I don't know why. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to just say, Hell no, it goes no farther. Then I compounded the problem by running away.

*-*-*

I was getting tired of the road alone. I was getting anxious to get some resolution even if the worst happened and I lost Kate. On a Friday night, two weeks after I left everyone in that Jackson motel, I called Carol to see what she might know and maybe get some advice.

"Hey Carol. It's Rick."

"Where are you?"

"Amarillo...don't ask."

"No need to. I've been there, remember?"

I asked her if she could talk without Danny knowing I was calling. It wasn't a problem. He was bowling that night.

"The last time we talked you said I was being childish, and..."

"Because you were. We could have resolved all this in Jackson if you hadn't done that disappearing act. That was childish, and made things worse."

"Well, I must be getting better, because I finally agree with you. I'm not real good at relationship stuff anyway and I was just overwhelmed by all this."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to go home and see where we stand."

"Are you going to try to resolve this or are you bailing on her?"

"I don't know. You know I love her. With no kids, she's my whole life. I thought I was hers. I guess I need to understand why it happened. Maybe she was caught up in the moment."

"Yeah, it was pretty powerful stuff. We all got sucked in."

"True, but what if she's been cheating all along. What if she would do it again even if she hasn't in the past. I don't know. I hope to get some answers before I decide what to do."

"OK. I'll help if I can."

"Have you heard from Kate?"

"No. She hasn't called. I tried calling her a couple of times, but it goes to voice mail. She's probably embarrassed about sneaking around with Danny and avoiding me. Who knows."

"What about you and Danny? Are you guys OK?"

"...well, sort of...this isn't the first time we've been through something like this and he's laying pretty low right now."

"Huh?"

"He cheated once with some chippie from work not long after we first met you guys. He was really taken with Kate and how young and full of life she was back then compared to the three of us. I guess he was a little jealous of you and your hot teenage wife."

"She wasn't a teenager, fer crissakes. She was 24."

"Still, a ten year difference. Thirty five and married with children. He was feeling old and unattractive, I guess. I forgave, but it's hard to forget."

"I hate to ask, but any indication that Danny and Kate have contacted one another?"

"Well, I considered it enough to check his cell phone. Nothing there, but they could have talked while he was at work.."

"OK, sorry to bring that up, Carol. I hope you guys are OK, though."

"Me too, Rick. I hope you and Kate can work this out. You really do belong together."

"I thought so too, but it's finally dawning on me that we might not end up together."

We said our goodbyes and I lay back on the bed to absorb what Carol had said. By pushing hard, I could make the 1,400 miles in two days. Seven hundred miles a day, even on a German touring bike, makes for a sore ass. That was the least of my worries then. I'd use the first day to decide whether to drop in on Kate unannounced or call her first and set up something.

*-*-*

I left the next morning surrounded by thunderstorms. Amarillo has two seasons: with tornadoes and without tornadoes. Fortunately, these thunderstorms were just wet. The secret to long miles on a bike is not to stop. I kept my speed reasonable and just slogged through miles until the bike needed gas. That was my pee stop and food break as well. The Kingman Motel 6 looked mighty good after nearly 12 hours in the saddle.

After a quick dinner, I decided to call Kate.

"You bastard. Where are you?" Not an auspicious start, but it was a start.

"Kingman. I want to come home and talk."

"Why? No...I mean...I'm sorry...OK, when?"

"I'll be in town late tomorrow night. Maybe we could talk the next morning."

"Alright...are you OK?"

"No, I'm not. But the only way either of us is ever going to be OK again is for us to fight through this where ever it leads."

"Where do you want it to lead?"

"I don't know."

Kate started crying, "I don't either. I'll see you Monday morning," and she just hung up.

"Well, that went well," I thought to myself sardonically. But it actually was about the best that I could have expected.

*-*-*

Sunday was another day of grinding out the miles. I hate the Slab. When Kate and I traveled we never got on interstate highway unless it was the only road available. There was always so much more to see on secondary roads throughout the country and a slower pace allowed time to enjoy it.

I realized that I was alone on the bike far from home for the first time since I met Kate. She was always perched right behind me feeding me snacks, hugging me for no reason, reading trashy novels, taking a nap, whacking me on the back of the helmet when I scared her on twisty roads. But there's one thing to be said about traveling the Slab—it's quick. I arrived in San Jose and checked into a motel near home. I didn't want to get into anything with Kate on the phone so I text-ed her to let her know I was in town, then tried to sleep so I didn't show up a wreck the next morning. She text-ed back to come by at 10.

*-*-*

I pulled into the driveway at exactly 10 am. At first I didn't know if I should knock on the front door or go through the garage like I normally would. Screw it, it was still my house. I hit the remote and rode the bike into the garage.

Kate was sitting at the breakfast bar in a sun dress looking like an angel, of course. An angel with red-rimmed eyes. We hugged awkwardly and briefly and I sat down opposite her.

"Coffee?"

"Yeah...I'll get it." I grabbed my regular cup and brought the pot over to refill hers.

How can two people so much in love for almost a decade suddenly feel like awkward strangers? We broke through it somewhat with small talk about bills, a stopped up sink and the neighbor's dog barking all night again. But the familiarity of such mundane things made our estrangement seem even worse.

I starred out the window. Kate aimlessly stirred her coffee.

"I felt betrayed in Jackson, " I finally blurted out not looking at her.

She looked at me like I had slapped her. "Why would you feel betrayed? You were behind it from the first night just like everyone else. I know Danny and I broke a few of your little rules..."

"Our rules, Kate. We all agreed on the rules. They were pretty simple. Clothes stay on, no fucking! Especially the no fucking part! It was clear and we all agreed."

"Yeah, well nobody forced you and Carol to get naked and start fucking right along with us. No...better yet, while watching us. How is that betrayal on my part?"

"I didn't mean the first night. I meant the second night."

"That wasn't betrayal either. Do you even know what the word means, Rick? You were right there with the rest of us, right up until your little freak out. Betrayal?"

"I'm not talking about that either."

"Then what the hell are you talking about? You aren't making much sense."

"During my 'little freak out', as you call it, I clearly said that I didn't want to do this anymore. That it was over."

"So? It stopped, didn't it."

"So then you sneak into the bathroom with Danny and fuck him in clear defiance of what I said. Tell me that isn't betrayal."

"...you knew about that?"

"I'm not Carol. I don't sleep like the dead."

"Oh my God...I'm so sorry, Rick. I don't know what to say."

"You can start with why."

Kate barely heard me as she dissolved into tears. I watched her, wanting so much to walk over and hug her. But I didn't. I needed the whole story before there could ever be a reconciliation. I needed the whole story even if there never was a reconciliation.

"Look, this isn't going so well. I have to go."

"Why? Why can't you just stay here so we can solve this? Why keep running away from it?"

"I can't take your crying. It's not fair. I can't think. I'll come back tomorrow. I want to know why you risked everything to fuck Danny."

*-*-*

I had lunch and went back to the motel. Outside the office, I picked up a newspaper and figured I'd start looking for an apartment near my school. I was glad Kate and I worked at different schools in case things didn't work out. I spent the afternoon scouting out a few apartment locations to keep busy, but didn't look at any apartments. Maybe tomorrow, I thought.

I decided to call Carol again and get a few more pieces of the puzzle. I suspected all along that something was said the morning after the first night while I was getting donuts and coffee.

"Hi Carol. It's Rick again."

"We have to stop meeting like this."

"Haw haw. Not so funny considering all that is happening."

"I know. Sorry. How did it go with Kate?

"I don't know. I have pretty low expectations, so the fact we even talked is something."

I filled her in on the conversation, and she was encouraging.

"That first morning when I came back in the room and everyone was so tense. Was anything said I should know about?"

"Mmmm, no not really. I remember biting Danny's head off over something trivial. I was really worried about what had happened and what was going to happen, so it didn't take much to set me off. All three of us just pulled completely away from one another. It's really too bad neither of us put our foot down right then and there and stopped it."

"Yeah, that was a big mistake."

"I blame myself more than I blame you, Rick. Letting Danny fuck Kate was like giving an alcoholic a drink given his past cheating. Which was also related to her, indirectly anyway."

"Hang in there, Carol. I love you, you know. I don't want to lose a dear friend."

"Yeah, I know. It helps."

Well, I had hoped to get some indication of when Kate and Danny had decided to get together for a drink at the Cowboy. Carol didn't have any insight there. Asking Kate is the only way I'm going to find out how this thing escalated.

*-*-*

The next morning, I showed up at my house again. Once again, Kate was waiting in the kitchen for me. She didn't look a lot better than she did the day before. It was obvious she hadn't slept well, but neither had I.

I poured a cup of coffee and sat down opposite her.

"You look like shit," offered Kate as a matter of fact.

"Thanks. It's a new look I'm going for." She laughed softly despite the situation. "But I appreciate the candor. Maybe you can be as direct about what happened in that motel bathroom."

"You want details?" she challenged, looking surprised.

"God no. I just want to know why. Why after nearly pulling you off Danny's dick, you snuck into the bathroom and fucked him." I was trying to appear calm, but my voice was starting to betray me.

"You can be such an asshole sometimes."

"I haven't even begun, Kate. I need answers and you're the only one that has them."

Rick looked absently around the room trying to compose himself.

"Here's what I see. Somehow you go from kissing me, to fucking him...twice...with me there...then top it off by sneaking into the bathroom for a little private time. How does all that just happen? See, that's what I can't figure out. It all worked so smoothly, it makes me wonder if you guys somehow had all this planned beforehand."

"Rick!"

"It makes me wonder if you might even have done something together before this trip."

"Oh my God, no. Never."

"It makes me wonder if you might be setting something up for the future."

"You bastard!" she shrieked. "How can you even think those things?" Kate dissolved into tears. I grabbed the last beer from the refrigerator and walked into the living room to let her cry. I can't tolerate Kate crying, but she needed it and I wasn't done. I can't say it felt good being on the offensive against my own wife, but it felt better than hiding from everything in fucking Amarillo. Not my proudest moment.

"There's one more thing I want to know, Kate. At any time during the trip, especially after fucking Danny in the bathroom...at any time did you ever say to Danny, 'We shouldn't be doing this. We can't do this anymore.' Did you ever say anything to him about possibly ruining your marriages or ruining our friendships?"

"No..." Her voice was barely audible. "...we...we didn't talk about it."

"Thanks, Kate. I appreciate you not even thinking of me while you scheme and fuck our best friend. I gotta go, Kate. I can't deal with this anymore."

"That figures."

"Maybe so, but I'm not running anymore. You need to stop making me drag everything out of you and start explaining what the hell happened. And get more beer, for crissakes. You're all out."

I don't know why I said that about the beer. I rode over to the Rumpus Room partly because a beer suddenly sounded like a good idea, and partly because I didn't want to face the motel, apartment hunting, and all the other shit that was somehow bubbling around in my head. Including divorce. The thought had occurred to me, but even thinking about it scared me at this point. I didn't want to start the ball rolling on any self-fulfilling prophecies and apartment hunting probably already gave that ball a nudge.

That night I text-ed Kate and told her "tomorrow same time".

*-*-*

The next day it was deja vu all over again. Two sleep deprived adults trying to navigate terrain neither had ever faced. I was never too swift in the relationship department to begin with, and any guy is outmatched when up against a woman in matters of the heart.

I poured my coffee, topped hers off and opened the refrigerator to get her some milk. Damn. She bought beer.

"I want to go back over this idea that the whole thing was a setup from the beginning."

"Jesus, Rick. You really can't be serious."

"I'm dead serious. I'm really bothered by how skillfully you both manipulated Carol and I that second night.

"We weren't manipulating you. We just all sort of fell into the bed together after dinner. We were all getting into it just like the night before."

"Bullshit, Kate. I heard you planning it in the bar...right after you were complimenting him on his big cock."

"You were spying on us?" Kate shrieked. She doesn't shriek a lot, but when she's angry, then she shrieks.

"You and Danny went off in totally separate directions to shop for a birthday present for me—thanks for finally remembering I was there. Fifteen minutes later you're sitting together in a dark booth at the Cowboy after spending the entire previous night fucking him. Of course, I spied."

"We weren't trying to make you do anything you hadn't already agreed to do the night before. We were just sort of making sure it happened again. It would have anyway. You were all over Carol that night."

"I like Carol. You know that. She's a dear friend. Yours too, remember?

"And you were just as hot as anyone else for it to happen again. It was inevitable."

"No, Kate. It wasn't inevitable. I told Carol about the plan you two were hatching and we both agreed we'd go along with the seduction, then hang onto the two of you to prevent you from getting together again. I don't know what happened."

"You're little playmate had second thoughts, obviously."

" You kissing and feeling her up moved things right along, didn't it? Another part of the plan? I didn't know you liked women."

"I didn't either. I mean I didn't plan it. It...just happened like everything else."

"Did cuddling in a booth at the Cowboy just happen? You went in different directions."

"I ran into Danny as he was getting on his bike to go somewhere. He said we should talk about what happened so that we can keep you and Carol happy. He parked his bike and we walked over. How did you know we went there?"

"Just lucky, I guess. I went there to take a leak."

"OK, so we planned it, but I told you it was inevitable and it was. I'm guilty of a lot those nights, but I'm not the only guilty party. You keep forgetting you were into it. Come to think of it, you started it."

"How do you figure that?"

"I remember now. When I dragged you up to dance, you unbuttoned my top and flashed my tits. You even invited Danny to look and Carol told him to touch them!"