Jackson Hole

"That's not how it happened at all...never mind. That doesn't really matter. You're right, though, about one thing. We were all guilty of letting it happen, and not stopping it."

"It was very intense, Rick. I've never experienced anything that powerful. The four of us have always been very close. It may have been just below the surface for a long time and it just got away from us. Can't we let it go? Can't we accept the beautiful parts of it and just let it go?" she pleaded.

"I could let almost everything go except fucking him in the bathroom. I told you I saw it as betrayal—cheating..."

"You think I cheated?" Kate interrupted. "First it's 'betrayal', now it's 'cheating'?"

"Aren't they the same thing, Kate? How do I know you aren't going to do it again next time you meet a guy with a big cock?"

"Is that what you think this was about? A big cock? Jesus, Rick. I thought we knew one another."

"Then you tell me what it was about."

"Listen to me." She grabbed my face with both hands, and stared at me. "You have always been a considerate and innovative lover. From our very first night. We've always had lots of fun, haven't we? You're plenty big enough for me, in fact, a few times I complained you're a little too big for some things, right?"

"Go on."

"Danny is a lot bigger, that's true, and he likes it kind of rough. OK, that was new and very exciting, I admit. I was out of my mind with lust thinking about it happening, but the reality hurt like hell. I don't know how Carol stands it day after day. I bore the pain because of the novelty and because...I'm sorry," Kate blushed and looked away. "Because I wanted to please Danny."

I looked out the window. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear this after all.

"But there was only one position I could even tolerate him. Sex is fun and an adventure with you. It's all pleasure and no pain. To be honest, some times I wish you were a little more forceful, but I've never wished you were bigger. "

"Come on. I heard you. You were never that vocal with me."

"I was never in that much pain, you bastard. Are you listening? Some of it was real passion, I admit. But a lot of it was just grunting through the pain and discomfort for Danny's sake. You have to believe me. He's too big and too rough for me. And I don't love him like I love you."

"Are you going to see him again?"

"Danny? Alone? Are you nuts?"

Kate started crying again. I felt like it myself. It was time to leave. We both needed time alone to sort things out—maybe a couple of days. I told her I would call.

*-*-*

I returned to the motel and flopped on the bed. My mind wandered all over the place trying to fit things into place. I remembered how flirtatious Kate could be. She did it naturally; somehow it was always sweet, almost child-like, not really sexy and certainly never slutty. Men came under her spell easily and usually read something into her flirting that wasn't there. It bothered me when we were dating, but not after we were married because I knew it was purely in fun.

What isn't to be denied, though, is that she genuinely liked Danny very much. And when the constraints somehow came away that first night, she completely lost herself in it. She loved Danny as a close friend. Maybe she became confused about what kind of love it was. The sex was all-consuming because she was with a wonderful friend and she was in a safe environment with my consent and Carol's. I finally understood all that and realized I would have to accept it if we were ever to get together again.

But that only applies to the two times Carol and I were in the room with them. How different was their meeting in the bathroom that last night? In my mind it had always been very different, and that could be a real obstacle to getting back together and, more importantly, staying together.

*-*-*

It had been a whole weekend since our last meeting. I'd forgotten to call her the night before and figured I'd just drop by. When I walked through the door, Kate looked different. Instead of red-rimmed eyes, she was clear eyed and dressed up with a little makeup, all she ever needs to look great. Instead of weepy, she seemed a little detached.

"You look nice."

"Thanks. You should have called. I'm meeting Bob Ross, our new principal, for lunch in less than an hour. "

"Oh...that's good. I met him at an in-service at Hoover last year. Seemed like a nice guy." As in nice, tall, good-looking single guy with a reputation for having an eye for the ladies. But no pressure here. "Is it a date?"

Her icy stare pretty much didn't require any explanation, though it didn't answer the question.

"Have you heard yet from Carol...or Danny?" I plowed on.

"You seem determined to start out on the wrong foot today, don't you? I've never known you to be such an ass, Rick."

"Sorry. The first question was uncalled for. The second one I would actually like to know. I've talked to Carol several times, but I can't get through to Danny. I thought he might have called you just to find out how things are going with us since he is a close friend."

"Carol called a few times. I haven't answered her. Danny hasn't called. Maybe he'll be the next to call for a date."

"Come on...I apologized." She gave me that look again that says everything and nothing.

"This is so hard..." she said as much to herself as me.

"Hard for me too. But I still have some questions about the last time you and Danny were together."

"God, Rick. Can't you let it go? It wasn't to hurt you. It just..."

"I know...it just happened. I still need to know why it just happened and get some reassurance it could not happen again."

"I thought we already covered that...whatever...OK, tomorrow, same time, not today. I don't want to be all upset at lunch."

I pissed away the rest of the day riding around on the bike. Nothing clears my head like a fast ride on twisty roads. The trip over to San Gregorio felt good. I walked the beach for a couple of hours trying not to think about Kate's lunch with Ross, but that was futile. I was getting angry that she would have lunch with the guy while we were having problems. I guess I was worried that she was having lunch with him at all, despite him being her new boss.

*-*-*

I started the next day with my usual diplomatic skill.

"How did your lunch with Ross go?"

She looked straight at me and said, "It depends on how things go between you and me." That floored me. I tried to appear calm. Fortunately, it left me speechless so I didn't blurt out anything stupid. "Coffee?" she asked sweetly batting her skillfully made up eyes.

"I think I'd like a beer."

"No more crap, Rick. What do you want to know? I'll tell you. Anything. I can't stand this badgering anymore."

"I only want to know one thing, Kate. Why? Why did you risk all to fuck Danny that last time?"

"OK, let me try to explain it to you. Just before you freaked out..." She held up her hand. "Don't...let me finish.

"Just before that I thought everything was wonderful. Like a dream. I'm in bed with my three favorite people in the world. Everyone is loving and into it. I had worried that you wouldn't go along with a second time, but here you and Carol were enjoying it too."

"I told you, Carol and I were going along with the seduction you guys set up."

"OK, whatever, but at the time I only saw us all enjoying one another. It was a very safe, warm, exciting feeling. Even Carol was into it. She wasn't kissing me and feeling me up like she was just going along. She was right there with me."

"You're probably right there."

"Suddenly out of the blue, you shatter everything. One of the most beautiful moments in our friendship, I thought, and you shit on it. It was humiliating and devastating. I lay in bed awake for hours loathing you for it."

"I was trying to stop it..."

"Well, that obviously didn't work, did it? Some time in the middle of the night, Danny went to the bathroom. I could hear him pissing. I looked over to see if you were asleep, then I got up quietly and went into the bathroom with him. I didn't go in there for sex. I went in there for comfort...the sex came naturally. He represented the warm security I had felt when we were all together. You represented just the opposite at that moment. He was gentle and caring this time...a first for him. It was just what I needed right then, and I loved him for it."

I just stared at her for what seemed like hours. I didn't know what to say. It hurt to hear it, but I almost felt empathy for her at that moment.

"That's what happened. There's nothing to add. I won't explain it again. Maybe you call that cheating, but I don't. We were never alone together before and never alone together after. But he was there for me that one time when I badly needed someone, and you weren't."

I knew she was right. I could have stopped this when it was just a naughty game, but I didn't. By the second night, there was no stopping it without serious consequences more far reaching than anything that had gone before. I broke down.

"Stay here tonight, Rick." She grabbed my hands and held on.

"I can't. I'm not ready."

"I'm not either, but just stay here. We'll talk in the morning. Just stay."

*-*-*

I lay in the guest room that night trying to fit all the pieces together of what happened. Not a pretty picture, but a powerful one. However, there were some serious questions still to resolve. Like, where do we go from here? Did she cheat on me? Did she betray my trust? Our wedding vows? Shit, I don't know. So what if she did? The real question is, what should I do about it?

Is punishment the objective? Some sort of justice? Am I supposed to punish her for the rest of her life which means I'd end up punishing myself for the rest of my life? "Throw the bitch out" has a satisfying macho sound to it when you're angry and hurt, but what is gained from it after the anger and hurt have dissipated? We both made serious mistakes in judgment. They weren't meant to hurt anyone, but they did.

In the days which followed, we spent a lot of effort sorting out those mistakes. Compassion requires that we understand both sides, both viewpoints. Forgiveness means we deserve to be happy together, and to do so we need to move on. Forgetting is much harder, and may not even be possible, but memories and the hurt associated with them dim with time.

I moved back in the house, and we once again shared the master bedroom. Within a few months things were pretty normal again at home. We both threw ourselves into the new school year. Our students deserved our undivided attention, but we spent as much time together as we ever did. Maybe we enjoyed what we had and protect it just a little more than before because we know how fragile even a good relationship really is.

Danny and Carol worked out their own differences as well. Like us, they belong together. We're all talking on the phone again. We never talk about those nights in Jackson Hole, though. We may never get to that point. We also haven't talked about any future trips together. It's early, though, and summer is a long way off right now. Touring with them marked some of the high points of our life. It also marked the lowest.

Kate asked once why we can't accept the beautiful parts of what happened and let the rest go. I'm still working that out.