Lisa Ch. 05a: Only Human

Sense or no, there was a huge element of uncertainty with Jessica. The line between positive reinforcement and creating their own death wish, was thin.

"We should start with cooking. Let her take over cooking, at least one meal of the day. One of us is with her at all times, it would be impossible for her to poison our food. If that goes well, we could move on to something else. But I really think that this is the time we have to do something drastic ... a positive drastic, to prove to Jessica that good behavior really does pay off."

"I know I'm going to regret this someday," Riley said, "but unless anyone has any drastic opposition to what Jim is suggesting, I'm willing to go along." He finished his sentence and looked to Angus.

"I don't care if she cooks," Angus said, "but she's going to eat everything before I do. And any chemicals we have left in the kitchen need to be removed ... that includes the dish soap."

"Dish soap?" Scott asked. "So you'll blow bubbles out your ass for a day or two, get a grip!"

"Mark my words, " Angus said, "she'll find some way to make it toxic."

"We'll watch her," Jim said. "Nothing but good old food will be in our meals."

"Ahuh," Angus said, not sounding the least bit as though he believed it.

"We can start with lunches," Josh said. "If you don't want to eat what she makes, you can make yourself a sandwich or something."

"Sound good to you?" Riley asked Scott. Scott nodded but didn't look convinced.

"Angus?"

"Yup," Angus replied but wondered why he was going along with it. It seemed like domestic bliss was just going to cause him to get even more emotionally ensnared by her. 'On the other hand,' he thought to himself, 'this could force her hand, then I can go back to beating the crap out of her and enjoying it.'

"Wait a minute," Scott said, "what about the rules she broke. So she didn't gut Angus. Though I'm thankful for that, she did break the rules just by picking up the wrench, never mind the saw."

"I don't think we can focus on that right now," Jim said. He was hoping to tell Jessica about the new rule before anyone had the chance to change their minds ... he got up and began moving toward the basement door. "Cooking should distract her for a while, and once she gets hooked on it, it will be a powerful carrot to dangle in front of her nose."

"Yeah, "Josh added, "she won't do anything to jeopardize that freedom."

"Nice theory," Riley said, "guess we'll have to test it. Go ahead and get her Jim. We'll see how much of an incentive cooking becomes."

Riley had stood to watch Jim lead Jessica to the sofa. Her head was lowered, but her eyes flicked up intermittently. As Riley watched her, he felt a tinge of jealously. When she looked at Jim, Josh, or Scott, she seemed fine, but when her eyes landed on Angus ... and then himself, she looked away as if it physically hurt her to see them. She sat between Scott and Josh.

"Jessica, " Riley began in a quiet voice. He was unsure about how he felt. He flip flopped between anger and dejection. Both he and Angus had bent over backwards to be nicer to her and yet she seemed to be just as afraid of them as before. Jessica must have been reassured by calmness of his voice, because she looked up at him, but couldn't hold the gaze.

"You broke the rules." he said. Anger was beginning to win first place in the whirlwind of emotions that swirled within him. How hard could it be to look at him? It wasn't like his eyes would jump out of his head and bite her! The others, save Angus, had been just as angry with her ... just as ready to punish her, why was her fear reserved for only him and Angus?

"Jessica," Jim interrupted. He ignored Riley's scowl. "It's become obvious that you need some responsibility around here."

Jessica's head snapped up and she looked at Jim expectantly.

"So ... Riley has something to tell you."

Riley had been glowering at Jim, and was taken aback when he realized Jessica had shifted her attention back to him.

"Right," Riley began. "in appreciation of your ... help ... with Angus ... we've decided that you can cook lunches. If you behave, you can cook other meals also ... "

He was interrupted by a small squeal from Jessica. She bounced in a place a little clearly excited. "Thank you." she said.

"But this time you have to obey the rules. You step out of line in the kitchen, and that's the end of your cooking days ... got it?" Riley demanded.

Jessica was nodding her head repeatedly. He was beginning to wonder if she really understood what she'd done wrong.

"Jessica. What exactly is it that you did wrong in the bathroom?" Jessica's euphoria seemed to disappear. She stopped grinning from ear to ear, and seemed to be thinking. "I ... the tools ... I used the tools to help Angus?" she asked.

Riley looked at Angus, just waiting for his patience to run out. He should be snapping at any moment, but he looked nowhere ready to do so.

"Wait a minute!" Scott said bolting upright in his seat. Suddenly everything made sense. It was so obvious. Scott looked at Jessica. Relief flooded over him.

"Jessica, what were you doing in the kitchen with Jim yesterday?" he asked her.

"Helping him make dinner," Jessica said.

"And in the corral today with Ebony?" Scott continued.

"Helping you understand him ... he needs some gentleness you know ... you've gotta talk to him like he's a person."

"And with the information you asked us to pass onto Riley and Angus?" Scott continued.

"Well, Riley hadn't realized that Max was blind and deaf, and Angus hadn't realized that he had water in his fuel line."

"And so, by telling them, you hoped to ...?" Scott trailed off.

"Help them," Jessica replied.

"And in the bathroom, with Angus? What were you trying to do?"

Jessica shrugged and glanced around the room at the men. "I thought I was helping ..." her voice trailed off.

"There you go, " Scott ended, feeling like the biggest heel in the world. "All this misbehavior is really just Jessica trying to help."

Jim groaned and brought his hands to his head. He was a moron. Why hadn't he seen it? Josh chugged back the last of the whiskey in the bottle he'd been nursing. Riley turned to Angus, waiting for his usual diatribe that would spout from him following any conversation that made excuses for Jessica, but it didn't come. Angus shrugged and moved toward the bar.

"Fine," Riley said more to himself than to anyone else.

He turned back to Jessica.

"Now you can help in the kitchen. Here's a rule of thumb for you ... if your help requires that you use any kind of an object, ask for permission first. Got it?"

"Yes," Jessica replied. She'd maintained eye contact with him when she answered, and she still hadn't dropped her gaze.

"Okay ... good, then," Riley said. He felt exhausted and yet exhilarated. Maybe Jim would switch nights with him. He felt like this was a pivotal moment for him with Jessica.

"All done?" Jim asked getting up from the armchair, "Can I take Jessica to bed now?"

Jessica looked up at Jim. Riley dropped his head. So much for that.

"Anyone else want a word with Jessica?" Riley asked. There was no reply.

"Come on Jess," Jim said holding his hand out to her.

"Good night," Jessica said turning to Scott on her right and giving him a kiss. She did the same for Josh. Riley was not in the mood to have to cajole her into kissing him goodnight, it would be more than he could stand on this night, but to his surprise he didn't have to. "Good night," she said, placing a kiss on his lips.

"Yeah," was all he could reply.

Angus still stood by the bar, a new bottle of whiskey in hand. Without hesitation, Jessica walked across the living room, stood on her toes and planted a kiss on his lips. "Good night."

"Night," he replied. He wanted to say something positive about the work she'd done in the bathroom, but the words wouldn't come out. Damn ... she was already moving back to Jim. Oh well, it was probably better to drop the whole thing anyway. Wouldn't want her to get the idea that it would be alright for her to use the saw again. Angus looked down at the bottle in his hand ... thank God for booze.

Jim locked his bedroom door and turned to find Jessica bouncing up and down on his bed, a big smile plastered on her face.

"I get to cook!" she squealed, clapping her hands together.

"Are you insane!" Jim thundered climbing on the bed and grabbing Jessica by her arms.

"Are you mad at me?" Jessica asked in surprise.

"What was your first clue? The fact that I wanted to throttle you in the bathroom earlier?"

"You did?" Jessica asked. Christ, either she was the best actress alive, or she really didn't have any idea what had nearly happened to her.

"Yes, I did. And so did all of the other men. Jessica, you crossed a really big line. This wasn't like the gun incident ... you were alone with Angus and as far as we could tell, you were about to saw the man in half! What the hell possessed you to do such a thing?"

Jim looked down at Jessica unable to even guess at what her answer would be.

"And," he said, starting to get confused by the faint smile that grew on Jessica's lips. Jim had once again come through for her. She was allowed to help now. She wanted nothing else but to kiss him right then. Her eyes searched his face, his eyes, and Jim began to feel lost. "Don't you dare tell me you were trying to help ... what the hell are you smiling at?"

"You ... and I guess I didn't really think much about it ... I just did it." Jessica's smile was growing. Jim was bewildered.

"What is wrong with you?" he asked, "You can't 'just do' things ... stop smiling like that, you're making me nervous!"

"Well, that's too bad." Jessica replied, "I guess that if I can't 'just do' things, then I can't just do this ..." and she leaned in and kissed Jim. Her lips locked with his, and he felt a jolt of excitement when her tongue slipped into his mouth. They fell onto the bed. Jessica slid on top of him. Pleasure was growing between her legs and she wanted Jim so badly.

Jim's mind went blank and his hands were all over her. They slid under her shirt, found her breasts. Jessica's hand slid down and rubbed on the bulge in his pants.

"Christ!" Jim said, his brain registering what was happening. "Stop Jess ... we have to stop." He grabbed Jessica's hand and pulled it away from his groin.

"No we don't," Jessica murmured and slid her other hand to his groin.

"Yes ... yes we do!" Jim said grabbing her hand and pulling it away.

He rolled Jessica off of him and sat up.

"Jesus!" he swore as he tried to catch his breath, tried to get a grip on the urges he was feeling. When he finally felt controlled enough to look at Jessica she lay looking back at him. Her chest was heaving and from beneath her shirt he could see the outlines of her breasts ... her breasts that had felt so good in his hands.

'Get a grip!' he thought as he shook his head.

"You don't really want to stop," Jessica said, taking his hand.

"Yes I do ... "

"No," she said shaking her head. "You still have that look on your face."

"What look?" Jim asked.

"The same look the others get, just before we ... you know."

"Okay," Jim nodded, "part of me doesn't want to stop. But we have to, for now."

Jessica sat up beside Jim.

"If you don't really want to stop, why are we?" Jessica asked.

"Because, I'm mad and I don't want to do this while I'm mad."

"That seems to be the only time Angus likes to do it," Jessica replied.

Jim exhaled. He was happier not knowing some of these details.

"What can I do to make you stop being mad at me?" she asked.

"I need to know why you did what you did. Is this all part of some plan to escape?"

Jessica looked down at her hands. She shrugged. "I don't think so." She replied.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Jim said, getting of the bed and pacing, "You don't think so ... just what I wanted to hear!"

"What do you want to hear?" Jessica asked. She was still turned on and really wished they could continue with what they'd started. She hadn't realized before just how much she wanted Jim, in that way.

"The truth would be nice!" Jim yelled.

"I told you the truth." Jessica said, "I was just doing what you told me to. Angus needed help, I helped him."

Jim looked at Jessica. "So there was no angle in this that would help you escape?" he asked.

"I can't think of one," Jessica replied.

"That's not a resounding 'no' Jessica," Jim replied feeling disappointed.

"How can I say 'yes' or 'no'? When I helped Angus it was for no other reason than to, surprise, surprise, help him. I honestly hadn't given it much thought either way. But, if it would make you feel better, I could come up with something right now!"

"Alright Jess, I get the point," Jim said as Jessica's voice grew louder. She was getting angry and God, the last thing he wanted was for her to start planning something she may not have previously thought about.

"Do you? You told me to not think, but to act. Well, that's what I did!"

"Okay ... okay," Jim said getting back on the bed with Jessica. "Sorry," he said in a soothing tone. He rubbed her arms.

Jessica was smoldering. She had successfully enacted her plan up until this point. Had managed to clear her mind, had even gone so far as to forget about her family, and here was Jim ... the one with the bright idea to begin with, making her remember.

"You're ticked," Jim said surprised by the scowl on her face.

Thankfully it wasn't the same look she'd had when she'd hated him and the others. She was angry alright, but in a different way.

"Yes." She replied and pulled away from him. "Are we done now? I'd like to go to sleep."

"It's only eight o'clock, Jess. We haven't even had supper ..."

"I'm not hungry."

Jim was about to argue when the feel of Jessica against him, her tongue in his mouth, came back to him full force.

"I'm an idiot!" Jim said. There was no doubt about it. Jessica had been kissing him. It had been her choice, he hadn't forced anything on her. And then like a moron he'd stopped her. Because he'd been mad? Crazy more like it. And now she was mad at him. She sat, leaning against the headboard of the bed, arms folded. And she wouldn't look at him.

"Jess. I'm sorry."

Jessica responded with a "Hmmph" and continued being angry.

"You know. You and I have a certain relationship." Jim paused. He wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. He really hadn't thought about the logistics of sex with Jessica. He'd had a relationship or two in the past but sex was never a big part of it. And given the circumstances with Jessica he had never really followed the train of thought to its full conclusion. Except for recent events with Scott and the magazines sex had been nothing more than an distant dream. He'd gotten her attention though, she sat looking at him expectantly.

"I've always thought of you as a friend Jessica. I never thought much about us having sex."

"That's funny," Jessica said but didn't really look like she planned on laughing. She didn't say anything more though. She just kept looking at him.

"How's that funny?" Jim asked when he finally realized she wouldn't continue.

"We are friends Jimmy. You're my best friend. I'd go so far as to say my only friend, but Josh and Scott have done some friend like stuff so I guess that wouldn't be entirely fair."

"That's what's funny?"

"No. What's funny is that you're the only one I wouldn't have minded having sex with. Ha, ha ..." she said when Jim didn't react. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course ..."

"Who is Pam?"

"Pam?" Jim asked, stunned.

"You dream about her Jimmy. A lot. Did she die? Did you love her a lot?"

"Yes. To both questions."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"Had you been together for a long time?"

"No ... oh, no Jessica, she wasn't my girlfriend. She was my sister."

"Oh ... sorry." A flurry of emotions played across Jessica's face. The final one looked particularly pained. Jim was afraid that she was thinking about her family.

"She was troubled Jessica," Jim said, not sure whether continuing the conversation would help or hurt.

"Did it have something to do with my family? Is that why you killed them?" Jessica asked. She was looking straight at Jim, straight in the eye. He couldn't for the life of him figure out how the topic of sex got them to a conversation about her family. He was unprepared. Other than the accusations that she hurled at him and the other men, Jessica had never spoken of her family to him. Suddenly he was scared. What did this mean?

"No. Something just came over her one day Jessica. Out of the blue, she just wasn't happy anymore. I don't know what to say about your family. There are a million reasons for what we did ... and there are none. I'm sorry that I can't say anything more comforting than that. And I'm sorry I can't bring them back, undo everything. As much as I'd hate having never met you ... I'd give it up to see you happy again."

"Thanks," Jessica said.

Jim didn't know what to say or do now. Jessica wasn't crying, and she seemed reflective more than sad. He had the sudden realization that things could go backwards from here.

"To be honest Jessica I'm not sure how we ended up in this conversation. I hope you're okay ... that everything's okay."

Jessica nodded.

"I guess I thought that maybe you still loved Pam ... if she'd been your girlfriend. And that maybe you didn't want to have sex because of that."

"I'm glad you asked then, because no, that's not it. I guess I just felt that sex would complicate things. And I wasn't sure how much you'd enjoy it. Plus, I didn't want you doing it for the wrong reasons. You don't owe me anything Jessica ... for helping you sometimes."

Jim thought back to the time that he'd lied to the men about Jessica asking for permission to ride Ebony. He'd had the distinct feeling that she thought he'd take sex as some kind of pay back.

Jessica nodded."I know. The fact that you've been so nice to me has made me think of you that way. But it's not because I feel like I have to ... I just ... want to ... with you."

"Jess, did you and Scott have so much sex last night that you couldn't get up this morning?"

Jessica nodded, and a slight pink spread over her cheeks.

"And you enjoyed it?"

"I did." She said. And then she smiled. "Scott was pretty persistent about that. He made sure I enjoyed it."

"Well, Scott is pretty experienced in that ... in sex ... and making girls enjoy it ... " Jim was blabbering and snapped his mouth shut before he could say more to embarrass himself.

Jessica smiled and took his hand.

"I wouldn't compare you. You don't have to worry about that."

Jim nodded. Now what?

"Jim. Did Josh date Pam?"

"Josh? No. Why?"

"He's been dreaming about her too. Unless it's a different Pam."

"Well, he did know her forever ... she was practically his sister too."

"Oh."

"Do I dream about anything else?" Jim asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"No."

"And you're okay, after this conversation about Pam, your family ... everything's fine?"

"I was being honest Jim ... about everything. I've been doing like you said, becoming someone else. I was just trying to help Angus. I did enjoy last night with Scott, and I do want to have sex with you. But I kind of see your point, it's a little awkward, isn't it?" She entwined her fingers with his. "I mean, how do we start?"

"Well. Right now, I'd really like to kiss you." Jim said. The knowledge that Jessica wanted to have sex with him, not as some form of pay back, but a true desire, made him see her and want her in a whole new way.

Jessica leaned her head against the headboard, tilted her face toward Jim and closed her eyes.

Jim looked at her and tried to get himself under control. He was so unprepared.