My Sister, My Loving Twin

"Yes, Jo dear. I know quite well, but with us... with guys, it's very difficult to kiss and run without something, you know....something happening."

"And it's not that way with girls," Jo asked.

"Oh, I....I understand, and see your point, but it'll be dark in another hour, and we'd better get back before Dad sends the sheriff."

"No Joey, we're not closing the door on this." There's something unsaid and something terribly half-done that we need to stop sweeping under the rug."

I felt flushed, as I thought my lustful feelings had been perceived by the 'better twin.' I was afraid of what Jo was about to say and how she might scold or admonish me for having these thoughts of her. "Let's get it over with," I thought.

"Joseph, I've got something to tell you and no, I'm not pregnant with twins!" The sound of my sister's familiar humorous banter made me feel a lot better about what I might hear. At least she'd softened the blow, but I still braced myself for what I thought she was about to say. "Joe, do you remember the time I had to pull you out of Harper's pond when we were in high school?"

"Do I remember?? I think about that almost every day, and can't thank you enough for saving my life."

"You saved mine too, Joey. Remember the time in elementary school when you pulled me out of the way of the oncoming school bus at the crosswalk?"

"Yes, I don't like to think what I might have done if you hadn't made it," I said slowly, as my eyes welled with tears.

As my twin brushed my tears away and kissed me gently on the forehead, she said tenderly, "Joey, don't you understand? We love each other," my sister said through her own tears. "I think I would have jumped into that pond forever if I hadn't been able to rescue you." Now it was my turn to wipe away her tears, and I gently wiped away 20 years of stored, pent-up tears from my sweet sister's eyes as she began to cry out loud. I held her close to me for probably five minutes as she wept. But her sadness quickly turned to anger....

"People say that Identical's are the only ones who're close. They don't know shit. These know-it-all sociologist bastards should try being a twin. It really pisses me off that our society, the government, church and the community can tell a person just who they can and cannot love," my sister vehemently remonstrated, hitting her palm with her fist.

I put Jo's hand on my shoulder, looked into her eyes, and brushing her hair out of her face, I said, "let's go to church. It's right over there, you know. Let's go into the church, drink some water and chat before we go home." Jo smiled shyly through tears and agreed, "to church."

I had seen a complete turnaround in my jovial sister's demeanor today...from her usual joking, poking fun, sassy, almost crass veneer, to this gentle, hurt and confused other half. And I thought to myself, we twins sometimes think of ourselves as our twin's 'other half'. That's what it actually was after all. I understood her emotional outpouring, her sadness and frustration which was so terribly compounded by Tom's unannounced departure. I think she somehow blamed herself for his disappearance from her life. At any rate, she was having an emotional meltdown now and needed me, just like many times before when we'd needed each other for various problems, large and small. Again, I was there for her, just like she had been there for me.

We sat in one of the long-deserted church pews after brushing quite a bit of dust from the seat. I asked Joanna how long had she had been having these frustrated feelings and if she had thought about talking with me earlier.

"What frustrated feelings? I told you how I feel, and I'm not frustrated at all. Don't you understand, Joey?"

"Yes Jo, we love each other," I answered softly, patting my sister's shoulder gently. "Of course we do, but this is a very special love, and it's definitely stronger among twins than other siblings. We've always been there for each other, and we'll continue to always be there. It just goes with the territory, doesn't it? I don't know what to tell you.....What are you thinking, Joanna?"

"Joey, I don't know what I'm thinking. After Tom left me I was devastated, literally torn apart, but you were there as usual. You picked me up like you always do. This has happened for years for both of us, and nobody else is there like we are. Dad's tried to understand this special bond, he told me. Mom did the same before she died. Our friends try to understand, but they really don't come close. Am I getting through to you, Joey?"

"Of course you are. You've been there for me, as well. You've picked me up as many times as I've picked you up. It goes with the territory, Jo....."

"Joey, we ARE the territory...."

"What do you mean?"

"Joey, if we weren't there for each other, who would love us and understand us as much as we do. Am I making sense??

"Of course, but we're family, we...."

"We what, Joey?? We're bound by the State of California to remain no closer than brother and sister??"

"Uhhh, I don't understand, Joanna...."

"Joey, do I have to take a chalkboard and spell it out for you? I LOVE you, and not like your sister. I'm the one who's always loved you since my earliest memories as a little girl. I didn't change the way I loved you one day because Mom or Dad suddenly announced that you were my brother. How could a small child make that distinction anyway. Joey?? I love you as much as I've loved anyone.....and more."

"Jo, I love you too, but...."

"But what, Joe??? Tell me what the 'but' means...."

"Joanna, I'm thinking about it; I really don't think I know. Why am I so confused?"

"I don't know either, but maybe you're confused for the same reasons I was before. Joey, I realized after Tom left just who loved me, and not what category that love was in, or to what extent. I didn't have to look further than the end of my arm to find out who was holding my hand, and who had been holding it all along. You were. You've been there all my life, and I just realized that I love you with all my heart. I want things that sisters are not supposed to want from their brothers. There, it's out. I'm sorry if this has shocked you. I'm sorry to hit you with this, but it's from my heart and not from my wit, which always protects my heart."

"Jo, I simply don't know what to say....I...just think that, uh.....I love you, too, Jo. I guess I love you as much as you say you love me. There's never been any other person in my life like you. Sure, Lori's there, and I've even told you how hot she is. She lights my fire and.....and uh, makes me feel good. "

"Makes you feel good, Joey? Is that all you can say about your girlfriend? I would hope she's fulfilling deeper needs than just 'making you feel good.' "

"Joanna, she's there like a girlfriend's supposed to be for a guy. What can I say?"

"I think you said it all. She's there like a girlfriend's supposed to be."

The moments between what Jo said and how I responded felt like an eternity. Things began moving in ultra-slow motion................ "Jo, she's there for me like a girlfriend's supposed to be, but she's only a date, someone to have sex with. There's hardly anything else. I didn't realize the relationship was this shallow...."

"Your relationship's not shallow, Joe. It's what 20-year-old guys typically have, and it doesn't necessarily include deep love..."

"...and you're telling me that we've got that deep love....?"

"I won't tell you anything that you don't already know, Joe. What do you think? I think you've known the answer to this perhaps longer than I have. There's always been an elephant in the room, something there that we walk, talk and act around."

"Jo,..oh Joanna, you're right," I said as I wept at how I could have questioned my love for the person who was dearest to me and who loved me most. "Jo, please, I'm so sorry for doubting. I do love you so very much. I've been confused lately though, and was extremely sexually attracted to you. This has been such a problem lately, and I've tried so hard to hide it....."

"Hide it, Joey?? Come on, now. This is me, not Lori." My sister smiled and then laughed softly. "Don't you think I knew you had a boner when I pranced around you in my thong bikini?? Didn't it ever dawn on you why I was even wearing it? Didn't you, somewhere along the line, pick up the signal that I was flashing you for a reason with those downblouse shots and upskirt visual opportunities? Did you ever wonder just why you got turned on when I was around?"

"Well, I'm a guy, Jo. That's our day job!," I chuckled through my tears. "We don't stop work when pretty sister comes around," I laughed.

This caused Jo to slowly smile very broadly, and she replied, "Joey, I've been dropping hints to you that I wanted you for years. I knew it was not supposed to be, according to our societal rules, but screw society. I've been with the person I love most all my life, and I want to stay with him....."

"Oh....my....God, Jo....do you realize...?"

"Yes, I realize all too well, and this is not a whim or quick decision. I've thought and pondered this for years, but never had the courage to verbalize it to you. I always thought you felt the same, especially since we're so tuned in to each others thoughts.....I wondered what was wrong with me until I just realized it was who, and not what. It was you, Joey."

This completely floored me, but it hit home so hard that I swept my sister up into my arms and kissed her like before. "Joanna, I love you so much. I finally know what's been bothering me. You have been. Is there anything more that needs to be said?"

"No, Joseph. You've said it, and I've said it. Now tell me what's been on your mind lately besides my body."

Laughing at my sister's trademark retort while still holding her, I quipped back, "Well, I've just discovered that it's alright to crave my sister's body because my frat brothers have had the same horny feelings for theirs. But seriously Jo, I long to be with you, hold you, kiss you, hug you, make love to you, and this has been what I was so troubled about. I want all this, but was ashamed and scared to even think of it, much less talk about it. Does this answer your question?"

"What about Lori, Joe? Where does she come in....or go out?"

I tried to stifle a smile at my sister's words, "or go out?." At that point I broke into a weak little chuckle and told her that I had an oversexed frat brother who'd fit right into Lori's 'social needs.' "No, I don't love her, Jo. She's the girlfriend of a college sophomore. She wants to have fun and get fucked. That's all.... I want more. I don't know why I've even looked any further than....."

"Than me, Joey?" my sister asked as she smiled modestly, pursing her lips as she did.

"Yes, Joanna, than you. These feelings have been there for ages like I told you, but I just couldn't could face them or even get them out."

We were sitting very close, side by side on the church pew seat with heads slightly bowed. I gently cradled my twin's face in both hands, softly caressing the sides of her cheeks and temples as she started to tearily smile and nuzzle my caressing hands. I smiled back at her as I inched my face closer to hers ever so slowly til our lips finally met. I massaged her beautiful Marilyn lips with own lips as I gently caressed them tenderly in a tender, sweeping motion, then caressed the tip of her velveteen tongue with my own until my sister began to moan. I realized that I'd craved Jo for years, and all the passion of the denial of those feelings came rushing out in my yearningly feverish attempts to make up for lost time, all at this very moment. My twin's breathing became noticeably labored and she started to whimper even more as she ruffled my hair with desperate fingers and then ran her strong hands urgently and passionately over my back. It took all the willpower I had, but I had to gently break the kiss and take Jo home. I had never been kissed like that before, and I didn't know if I ever would be again.

We sat in that old church which was now growing dim with the waning evening sunset for another ten minutes. We made cute, flirtatious faces at each other as we nuzzled gently and kissed each other's ticklish spots which we alone knew so well. "Jo, I can safely say your 'solo' has been successful. Here's the keys if you'd like to drive us home."

"Okay, Lover Brother," my sister gasped. I'll drive, as long as you keep that gun in your pocket. But of course I'm just kidding you. Please feel free to gouge me with it because after spying on you in the shower, I don't think it's big enough to hurt me." My sister broke into her usual 'gotcha' laughter at this, and I feigned hurt and disappointment. Nothing had happened during our short trip that was not silently started and nurtured, years before.

Our trip back was fast, and we decided to go into town for dinner. We had seafood at our favorite restaurant and we must have enjoyed the great blues band on the patio for a couple of hours after dinner. Jo had Dungeness crab and I had the California halibut almondine, our very favorites. We fed each other for the first time since we were toddlers, and this made both of us even a little giddier than we'd been right after the 'solo.' Good food, good music, and the best company either of us had ever-and always-had. It was finally time to come home and go to bed......

"Dad's gone Joey, do you wanna come to my room?"

"Do you really have to ask?? But Dad's coming back tonight, from what he said earlier. I'm pretty sure he's gone to that Independence Day party at the country club."

"Check the kitchen, Joe. You know, the usual note spots..."

"Sis, he's gone down to Monterey for the weekend. Here's the note. There's a big jazz concert, almost as big as the Jazz Festival in September. Why don't I make us a couple of" creme de cacao coffees?"

"That sounds great, but I'm afraid you're gonna be sleeping with your pistol tonight, Pete. You can visit tonight, and stay over sometime soon."

This was patented, vintage Joanna, my gloriously goofy, beautiful, teasing sister. "Sleep with my pistol, Pete. Ha! Cute, I do have to admit. Where she comes up with this shit, I'll never know!" I was disappointed in hearing what she said though, because after everything that happened today, we seemed back at square one. However, we definitely needed to talk about things more in the morning. And I needed to get my sister's nightcap.

We downed our coffees after briefly talking about the day. Our conversation was light, topical, newsy and the usual stuff we typically chatted about. It seemed like the 'solo' had not even happened, and I even asked Jo if I had stroked out somewhere along the road during the bike trip.

"No, you were with me all along. Why do you ask? Didn't I shift through the gears right? Perhaps it was the way I took the curves....?" Jo grinned as she lay near me on the big brass bed. What? Don't you believe what happened out there," Jo incredulously asked.

"Haha....very cute, Jo. Shift through the gears, take the curves. Yes, I believe what happened out there, but I'm not quite sure you do. Was I dreaming, Jo? Did today really happen? And please...a real answer for a change?"

My sister grew very serious, and her smile suddenly broke into a deeply thoughtful look. After quietly thinking for a number of very awkward seconds, she slowly and deliberately said in a quiet voice for only my ears, "Joe, of course everything out there was real. I have trouble as you know, being serious. And humor is a way...

"....a way you avoid expressing your heartfelt feelings. I know, Jo. I don't have to be told. I'm your 'other half,' as we twins say, remember? You don't have to be afraid of expressing your feelings to me. You've already done it and whatever you could say, I might even already know," I said with a loving grin.This quickly caused the pensive _expression on Jo's face to break into her usual smile.

After we finished our drinks, we both nervously fidgeted with our coffee cups. I'd made the drinks with de-caf, but the liqueur seemed to stimulate like caffeine. Not wanting to rush things, especially after the incredible day we'd had, I told Jo that it probably would be best if I went on to my room tonight and that we could talk more about what happened in the morning.

"Okay, Joey. I also think that's best. We can spend more time tomorrow. Goodnight, special brother."

Jo gave me a quick kiss on the lips and a little hug as I walked out with our coffee mugs. "Goodnight, sis. See you tomorrow."

If I had been confused earlier, I found that I'd not even started to worry. And as a guy, I'd forgotten all about my gentlemanly suggestion-which I only half-meant-that Jo and I should stay apart tonight.

"Now where in the book does it say, beautiful sister tearfully admits that she's in love with big, strong, handsome, virile brother.... only to say goodnight, perhaps we can spend more time in the morning?" I'd not even closed my eyes when I heard my door open and someone quietly enter. Jo walked in with her pillow....

"....I was scared, Joey. There are monsters under my bed. Can I sleep with you?" Joanna had actually done this more than once when we were about six or seven. The same welcome mat was still out there now. Some things never change....

"I suppose you can," I said, "but don't wake my teddy bear, okay?" Jo giggled like she did when she was six, and said.....

"Okay, but keep that toy gun away from my behind, Pistol Pete."

I laughed out loud as I put my arm around Joanna and gave her a gentle kiss on the most sensitive spot on her neck. "Okay, pinch me if this is really happening," I said seriously, or as seriously as I could get with a comedian sister, even now at a moment as unbelievable as this.

"Joe, where are you? You're next to me, aren't you? Does that tell you something? What happened at the church has been on our back burners for a long time, at least for me anyway, and I think for you, too."

"Yes, of course. The same with me, Joanna," I said as I softly kissed my sister on the side of her Marilyn lips. I've wanted you so much, and I've been thinking about you constantly lately. I didn't know why I was having so much trouble with these thoughts. We've been together and done practically everything, side by side for years, all our lives....."

"Joey, why did these thoughts you were having actually surprise or bother you? Did it ever occur to you that the two of us might possibly be attracted to each other? And seriously, were your thoughts only about my beautiful body, or was my mind in there somewhere?"

Her cute remark was nothing to laugh at, this time anyway. I answered Jo's query by telling her that she had been on my mind for almost as long as I could remember, but I'd always suppressed these thoughts until recently. It had taken a headstrong 'other half' to make me realize what had been troubling me all these years.

Joanna rolled over in the bed to face me, and running her fingers ever so gently through my hair, she said, "I know you're right, Joe. I denied my own suppressed feelings for you, too, until Tom left and you stayed by me. That in itself didn't do it, but it made me realize just who'd always been on my own mind and who I really loved, like I said at the church."

I smiled slightly at this and picked Jo up in my arms, kissing her like I would never see her again. But I would see her if I had anything to do with it. I loved her dearly and unconditionally....and finally knew that I had for some time.I also knew at that time that this was what had been troubling me. The shroud of doubt, worry and denial which suppressed my feelings, had been lifted. I had at long last outed them for the woman I loved.

"Joe," my twin quietly said, "I'm protected. I'm on the pill. You don't have to worry."