Never Welcomed Home Pt. 02

My thoughts returned to Gran. My throat closed up. I could only nod.

"Good, we'll see you then."

After a kiss on my cheek, she and Abby headed back towards the parking lot. I watched them walk away. I recalled another day, years earlier, when Becky had left after saying her goodbyes to me in the airport. That was the day John and I left for Viet Nam. I hoped for a better outcome this time around.

***

The following day, Mom asked if I would stop over. She had something to tell me and wanted to do it in person.

"I'm having dinner with Becky and Abby at 6:00. I'll stop over before. Say 5:00?"

"That'll be fine, dear."

We'd had a strained relationship of late and by the serious tone in her voice, I could tell something was up. This wasn't going to be a "how are you" type of conversation. What did I do this time?

I entered my parent's kitchen shortly before 5:00. They were sitting at the table, beers, and a stack of papers in front of them.

"Grab a soda out of the refrigerator if you want and have a seat," my dad said, motioning to the chair opposite them.

I passed on the beverage and sat down.

"I'm not going to draw this out," he said, sliding a thick packet of paper across the table. "Gran left you her house. It's paid for and is already in your name."

Stunned, I leaned back in my chair.

"Gran never said anything to me about it. When did she do all this?"

"About three months ago. She went through a new lawyer and never said a word to anyone. We found out yesterday when he dropped off her new will and this paperwork. You own the house and everything in it."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Mom..." she held up her hand to stop me.

"Honey, it was your Gran's house to do with as she saw fit. The only thing I ask is that there are a few mementos I would like to have. If you want I'll pay you for them, but I would like to have them. They're all I have left of her."

"Mom, take whatever you want." I took my house key off and handed it to her. "I'm sorry, I don't know quite what to say."

"We don't need or want the house. It's way too small. It'll be a good starter home for you and whomever you settle down with." I saw the look in her eye and knew the meaning of what she was implying.

"Mom, Dad, I've got to get going. Is there anything I need to do? You know, with the house paperwork?"

"No, and if there is, I'll take care of it. Just go and have a nice dinner with your family," Mom said with a kiss and a hug.

I only wish they still were.

I walked out to my car and paused with my hand on the door handle. I looked up at the heavens and said a thank you to my grandmother. It was quite a beginning to my evening.

As usual, Abby met me at the front door with a big kiss and hug.

"Mommy and I made dinner for you," she said proudly.

I scooped her up into my arms. "What did you make?"

"Mommy made spaghetti and I put butter on the bread."

"I sure do like bread," I said, giving her a kiss and a tickle. It had been a rough couple of days and Abby's high-pitched laughter gave my spirits a much-needed lift.

Becky stood in the doorway to the kitchen. Our eyes met. Her eyes were softer then the last time I had eaten dinner here. A good sign? Only time would tell.

"Dinner's about ready. Why don't the two of you wash up while I set the table."

The food was good, but the company better. I recalled the sometime meager dinners Becky and I had when we first got married. Back then it wasn't about the food, more so the two of us being happy together. I wished I could go back and change what I screwed up but since that was impossible all I could do was move on and do my best every day and show everyone the new me.

After dessert and a short Disney cartoon, we put Abby to bed.

"I love you Daddy," she said with a yawn, curling up with her stuffed giraffe.

I kissed the top of her head. "I love you too." We quietly snuck out her door.

"Coffee?" Becky asked.

"Would love some."

In the kitchen Becky flipped the switch on the coffee maker and a minute later I heard it start to perk. We said nothing. Sometimes the silence says a lot.

"I'm not dating him anymore," she blurted out. "Haven't been for a while, if you're interested." She nervously rubbed her arms, looking at me and I guessed waiting for some reaction.

I think the surprised look on my face gave her the answer she was looking for. I took Gran's advice for a change and just listened.

"He asked me to marry him and when I couldn't give him an answer, he figured it out."

I still said nothing but leaned forward and reached for her hand.

"I was afraid of you when you went off the deep end. Not that I thought you would physically hurt either one of us. I didn't want to stick around to see what you would end up doing to yourself. So I left—not only physically, but also mentally. After that, when I didn't hear anything more about you, I thought you'd finally killed yourself. That's when Abby and I went on with our lives."

"Well, you were right to cut me loose. Truthfully, I should be dead. I guess someone up there was looking out for me."

"Up there? Your grandmother saved your sorry butt. When I saw you the first time, after you moved in with her, I wanted to slap the hell out of you and tell you what a loser you were. But, your Gran said you were harder on yourself than I could ever be." She reached out, took my hand, and pulled me over to the kitchen table where we sat down next to each other.

"Did you know she called and gave me updates on how you were doing? She said you were going to make it. She was sure of it."

"Why didn't you...?"

"Why didn't I come running back? You were still an unknown commodity, and I had Abby to consider. If you made it—great, but if you didn't, I couldn't put Abby or myself through that again. So we waited. Besides, I still had a lot of anger in me to work through."

"So, you hedged your bets with someone else?"

"Yes and no. Down deep I still cared for you, or at least the man you'd once been. But, I wasn't about to jump in again with my eyes closed. Not this time. I'm not the starry-eyed, twenty-year-old naïve girl you married back then." Then she got a serious look on her face. "Steve, I knew you were different when you came back from Viet Nam. I thought I could make you forget what happened over there. And for a while I thought I was making strides, especially when Abby was born. Boy was I wrong."

She stood up and started to pace back and forth in the kitchen. She seemed more agitated than angry, appearing to be looking for just the right words.

"Mom said that when Dad came home from Korea he also was different. He wasn't as fun loving and was a lot more serious she told me. One night Dad told Mom that he would never leave her again, and that she was the most important thing in his life. That's what I was waiting for from you. She went quiet and sat back down in her chair.

"I've changed."

"Don't you think I know that? If you hadn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation. When you first started coming around I wanted nothing to do with you. All I wanted to do is hurt you like you hurt me. When I said all those ugly things to you and you just took them without saying anything back, it felt like I was kicking a new puppy. I didn't want you! I wanted the new life I had made for Abby and me. I was happy. I had a new man who loved me. But somehow you wormed your way back in."

I gave her a confused look.

"Steve, I thought that after I told you about Jerry you'd just pack up and just leave, but you didn't. Even though we were estranged I saw how much you loved Abby and frankly I was jealous. I thought about the early years and missed the Old Steve. When Abby asked why we weren't a family any more, it about broke my heart. I probably should have my head examined, yet for some reason I want you back full time in Abby and my life. Just don't change back to what you were back then. I couldn't take it again"

"Becky, we've both changed. I'm not sure we'll like the people we've become."

"You don't want to try again?"

"I didn't say that. All I'm saying is that we need to take it one step at a time. And this time around if we have any issues or problems, we don't let them fester. We openly discuss them when they come up."

She was quiet for a minute.

"We'd be exclusive? No dating anyone else?"

"Becky, you're the only one I want."

"Good! Let's keep it that way."

We spent the next two hours discussing the do's and don'ts of moving forward. She was still a little hesitant, and I wanted to prove to her I was worth a second chance. I wasn't perfect but I was going to do my best. I only hoped my best would be good enough.

CHAPTER 9

The first month we took it slow—a lot slower than I would have liked. I understood Becky's trepidations but I was crazy happy and wanted it to be like when we first got married. On more than one occasion I had to tone down my enthusiasm a notch or two before I got myself in trouble.

At least we're together, was the only way I got through it some times.

I had dinner at their apartment on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays. On Saturdays, when we could arrange for a sitter, Becky and I went out, otherwise we ate in and rented a movie. After two months I started to get a little frustrated. I felt like I was back in junior high. There was kissing, but that was as far as she would go. One night I'd had enough and said something.

I poured Becky a glass of wine and fidgeted with my Dr. Pepper while I tried to find a good way to start this conversation. "I was thinking about asking my mom to babysit Abby next weekend. There's this bed and breakfast I think you'd really like. It has a fantastic restaurant and Greg said that the rooms on the back have an unobstructed view of the lake at sunset. His wife said it was really romantic."

She rolled the stem of her wine glass between her fingers. "And why do we need to go away to some probably expensive bed and breakfast? We've got a perfectly good apartment here and the rent is paid for the month." She wasn't making this easy on me.

"You know. You and me, by ourselves. I think it might take some of the pressure off us and we could you know, get reacquainted again." I didn't feel this nervous in my first firefight.

"Steve, we're not taking it to the next level until I feel more comfortable with you."

"For Crissakes, Becky, we were married for three years! How much more comfortable do you need to be?"

"I can't give you a time table, but I'll know when it feels right."

"How long was it before you felt confortable with Mr. Wonderful?"

Becky's eyes narrowed. "That's none of your business."

I didn't let her off the hook this time. "Weren't you the one who insisted that if either one of us has an issue we should talk about it?"

"My relationship with Jerry is off limits as is yours with Carol. He's in my past and I want him to stay there. Like I said, we'll go forward only when I say it's time."

I knew Becky well enough to recognize that no amount of pleading was going to sway her. We'd had a great sex life at one time. That was years ago. It looked like this was another bridge I would have to rebuild. I just hoped it wouldn't take too long. I hated cold showers.

So, I courted her. That's probably the best way to describe what I did for the next month. I didn't do anything over the top, but without saying a word I made sure that she knew just how special she was to me. I made dinner when she worked late, did her laundry, and my hands usually ached by the time I was done massaging her feet with lotion when we watched television. I made my share of mistakes and had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion—better than saying something that would have set us back days if not weeks. The important thing was that we were moving forward and I had my girls back in my life.

Then there were Becky's mood swings. While I was out of the picture, Becky had become very independent and developed what can best be described as a stubborn streak and cutting tongue. I had been on the receiving end of both. I would be the first to admit I screwed up but I was getting tired of continually hearing about it and paying the price so I could have her in my life. We'd have to have a serious talk, and soon, but now wasn't the time. We were still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship and I didn't want to make any waves. Not yet anyway.

***

With one semester left of school, I was floating on air. I secured an intern position with a large inpatient facility and would start the Monday after I graduated. Greg was right about one thing. I would never get rich with what they were going to pay me until I got my Masters and passed the State Boards. Thank God my house was paid for and I didn't owe anything to anyone. Then a week before I was to graduate, Becky surprised me—no, shocked was a better word.

"I think we should get remarried and have a second child. My biological clock is winding down and it's not going to get any easier as we get older."

Months earlier Becky had finally relented. After a bottle of her favorite wine we started making love again. Although, like everything else, it felt as though Becky was trying to control even that part of our lives. It was like sex was being doled out only when she was in the mood, or as a reward for something I had done for her. I was tired of the games. I had played by her rules for too long. It was time to exert my independence.

"How about if I don't want another child? And, why do we need to get married anyway? You'll notice I stopped asking six months ago when you kept turning me down. I think we should just live together for a while. I would hate like hell to be a two-time loser if it doesn't work out for some reason."

Becky's eyes got big and she stammered, "But we always talked about having two and if we were to have another one, I think it would look better if we were married."

"Becky, I want to enjoy my post-school free time for a while. And since I'll be starting a new job and will be on probation for ninety days, I don't need any additional stress in my life." I saw the look on her face. She wasn't happy but this time didn't shoot me an ugly reply, like she had in the past.

"But, Honey..."

Now it was Steve honey and I think I even heard the word please somewhere in our conversation.

"Look, I think you and Abby should move in with me. This way we'll save money on rent, gas, and food."

"And I suppose you'll expect me to share a bedroom with you?" Her tone hardened.

"Of course. There's only one real bedroom upstairs, but I broke down two walls and made another small one. This way Abby will have her own bedroom next to ours."

"Don't you think that will be sending the wrong message to Abby? Two unmarried people sharing the same bedroom?"

"What's the difference from me staying over on weekends and her seeing me walk out of your bedroom for breakfast?" She didn't have a comeback. "Look, we don't have to make any decisions today. All I'm saying is think about it and we can talk later." We called it a night and went to sleep together in her bedroom.

The following morning, when Becky thought I was still asleep, I heard her talking on the kitchen phone.

"All right, I know I was pushing my luck. I just figured he'd do anything I asked to keep Abby and I happy. Now, he doesn't even want to marry me. He wants to just live together. My parents will never go for that, even though they'll have no say in whatever we end up doing."

I stopped four steps from the kitchen and listened.

"Jerry was a great guy and he loved Abby but..."

I heard the pause and figured the person on the other end was saying something. That's when I heard something I wish I hadn't.

"No, it's not that. Jerry was good in bed, maybe better than Steve. But, I've got a history with Steve and even though I don't fully trust him yet, I think he's the one I want to be with."

I would have given anything to know who she was talking to.

"Of course I love him, that goes without saying. But, over the last couple of years, I've found I kind of like being in charge, and I don't want to give up that control."

I made some noise walking down the hallway and I heard Becky end her phone call.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Just a girlfriend from work."

"Were you discussing us?"

"No we weren't talking about you. And they say women are vain. Women do talk about other things besides the men they're with. If you must know, we were talking about her ex, or should I say soon to be ex. They're separated and going through an ugly divorce."

"Sorry to hear it. Been there, done that, and didn't even get the tee shirt." I tried to add a little levity. It didn't work.

"She's having a hard time of it. Her husband left her with a little one and refuses to pay child support. She had him served with divorce papers, but it all takes time. Time she and her child don't have."

"Sounds like two other people I know. Luckily we worked out our differences and got back together." Becky said nothing but I could see the gears turning behind those serious eyes.

Becky and Abby moved in with me the following weekend.***

Thirty days after I started my job I got my first review. It didn't go well. They felt I wasn't giving 100%.

"Steve, are you purposely holding back for some reason?"

I paused for a minute before answering. "I'm really trying hard not to make a mistake, that's all."

"You're still learning and are going to make mistakes. That's why we have you working under Robert."

"I just don't want to screw up anyone's life." I thought about my experiences with the doctors at the VA.

"Look, you can guide, advise, and counsel, but it's up to the patient to follow through if they want to get better. I see from your file you went through a lot of what your patients are

going through. You of all people know the failure rate in people with addictions. All we can do is our best and save as many people as we can."

I was working at an private inpatient drug and alcohol treatment facility. It was a lockdown facility but the patients weren't forced to participate. Someone was paying an awful lot of money for them to be there.

My sixty and ninety day reviews went much better. I had become more confident and it showed in how the patients reacted to what I was trying to accomplish. I was given a bump in pay and informed that if I took any classes, I would be reimbursed for tuition. I took advantage of that perk and enrolled the following semester. I was gung-ho but only took one class at a time. I was enjoying living with Becky and Abby too much and wasn't about to screw that up again for anything on earth.

***

It crept up on me slowly and settled in before I even realized it.

One Sunday morning I couldn't sleep, so I quietly slipped out of bed and went downstairs. I brought in the newspaper and was glancing at the headlines when I realized how hungry I was. It took me forty-five minutes to put together a spread of bacon, waffles, juice, coffee, and hot chocolate for Abby. Her favorite on cold mornings.

I had just finished setting the table and was getting ready to wake Becky and Abby when it hit me. Normal. The word just popped into my brain. The last nine months had been good.

Hell, better than good. Great maybe. Becky and I weren't like the old Becky and Steve, thank God. We were both responsible adults this time around.

The sharp tone in her voice and demanding attitude were all but gone, replaced with a calming outlook that at times even took me aback. We were truly happy once again.

I slipped back into our bedroom and under the covers. Since she and Abby had started going to church at 5:30 on Saturday evenings, Becky liked to sleep in on Sundays. That is until Abby woke up and came roaring into our bedroom demanding breakfast.