No More "What if"

Any time of year is beautiful for a drive down Highway 2 in Eastern Ontario, but fall is particularly delightful. The golden yellow of farmers' fields, the coloured leaves, and the beautiful homes along the road make for spectacular scenery. It was slower than taking the 401 back to Kingston, but I wasn't in any hurry.

A charming cottage caught my eye, and twigged a memory of a weekend I had spent at Picton one fall many years ago, at a Christian retreat centre; we'd been an odd mix of people from all over the eastern part of the province. It was advertised as a singles weekend, but my friend (who was also my manager at work) and I saw it as a weekend away, with someone else doing the cooking.

We weren't prepared for the assortment of desperately lonely singles that signed up for the weekend. Jane and I stayed close together that first night at dinner, and in the evening decided to play some cards together in the lounge area. Two men joined us fairly quickly; a man about Jane's age, perhaps early 50s, and a young man about my age, early 20s. They seemed as relieved as we were to find other people who weren't too odd, and we spent an enjoyable few hours playing cards, chatting and joking.

By about 10:00 we were the only ones left in the lounge. Greg, the older gentleman, and Jake, the younger one, were great company and I found myself hoping we could hang out with them all weekend, both for their great company, and to keep other men at bay. Alone in our room that night, Jane confessed to finding Greg attractive. I was really happy for her, and hopeful; she had never married, and has such a big heart, I knew she had a lot of love to give someone. Personally, I enjoyed Jake's company, but I was too insecure and shy to think he would want anything more from me than perhaps someone to pass some time with. He had those rugged good looks that you see in the movies, and a great sense of humour, and yet was down-to-earth and able to make me comfortable. Guys like him didn't date shy, awkward girls like me.

The next morning at breakfast Joan and I sat together, and a couple of other women joined us. It was fine, but I couldn't help keeping my eyes open for Jake and Glen. I finally spotted Jake once the morning programming began. He was sitting on the other side of the room; I tried to not be obvious about looking at him. During a fifteen-minute break, Joan and I were chatting when Jake came up to say 'hi'. My smile got even bigger when he asked if he could sit with us at lunch.

After that we spent the whole weekend together; Jane, Jake and I, and occasionally Greg. Saturday afternoon, anyone who was interested took a bus to Sandbanks Park. Jane had knee trouble and would have found walking in the sand difficult, so she sat at a picnic table near the parking lot and urged me to go explore the dunes. I didn't need any more encouragement to take some time to myself, or to explore the beauty that is Sandbanks. I ran up and over a dune and drew in a breath at the expanse of sand and water before me. No one else was on the dunes; not even anyone else from our group yet. I took of my socks and shoes and ran down the dune towards the water. Amazed at having such a spot to myself, I turned and walked further into the dunes, following the water line.

I felt like I was in a movie. Never had I seen a beach like this. Clean white sand, blown into massive dunes, with trees and bushes growing in random spots. When I agreed to come on this weekend I hadn't expected to get an opportunity like this. I was following the curve of the lake around the dune when I saw someone jogging towards me. My pulse quickened when I realized it was Jake.

"Hey!" he said. "You ran off before I could catch up. Robyn started talking to me and walking with me before I could follow you. It was a while before I could tell her that I wanted to catch up with you." I'm sure I lit up when he said this. I hadn't exactly been popular with boys growing up, and hadn't dated much. Robyn was another woman my age at the retreat, and I was flattered to learn that Jake chose me over her. We walked on the dunes together for a long time before realizing that it was time to head back to the bus. It had been such a great afternoon, getting to know Jake without anyone else around, and I was reluctant to head back to the retreat centre.

That night we played cards late into the night, none of us wanting to call it quits when we knew we were all heading home the next day. Jake and Greg lived much closer to Picton than us, so we didn't know when we would see each other again, and had really enjoyed our time together. Sunday morning sped by, and all too soon lunch was over and we were packed to go home. Jake came by after he packed his car, and seemed nervous about something. Jane was grinning, and I didn't realize why until he spit out a question. "Can I get your phone number, so I can call you?" he asked.

As if I'd say 'no'! The drive home with Joan was amazing; I was flying high after Jake asked for my phone number, and that coupled with the scenic fall drive made me feel that life was grand. I felt bad that Greg hadn't asked to stay in touch with Jane, and I knew she was disappointed. Being Jane, though, she was very happy for me that Jake had asked for my number.

He called the next weekend when my roommate had a house full of people. I was in the kitchen getting some dinner; I could barely make out that it was Jake on the other end, it was so loud. People were talking and laughing, and it was incredibly hard to hear. I tried to explain what was going on, and that maybe we could talk another time instead, when the house would be quieter.

I never heard back from Jake. I don't know if he thought I was putting him off, or what happened. Was I disappointed? Definitely. I really enjoyed his company, thought he was attractive, and found him easy to talk to, which wasn't normal for me. Every weekend for the next month I hoped he would call, but he didn't. I didn't have his number, so I couldn't call him. This was the 90s, before the convenience of cell phones.

The next year I met Ben, who was ten years older than me, and we got married. We had our daughter, and a troubled marriage. He wasn't physically abusive, but had baggage from his childhood and struggled with communicating normally. Life in our house was strained. When he died of a sudden heart attack last year in his late fifties I was sad, but had already begun mourning the loss of our marriage years ago. Driving through this area again, I began wondering how Jake's life had turned out; whether he still lived in this area, whether he was in a relationship.

I was still thinking about him when I arrived home a couple of hours later to my empty house. Dropping my overnight bag on the floor to unpack later, I pulled up Facebook on my phone. I tried entering his name, but none of the Jake Burnetts that came up seemed like they could be him. My excitement deflated. It was possible he wasn't on Facebook, or any social media. Drumming my fingers on the sofa, I tried to figure out what else to try. I googled Jake Burnett; still no hits. Sigh.

Then it struck me that he might use his full name. I quickly typed Jacob Burnett in the Facebook search, and my pulse increased when I saw several listed. One was listed as living in Picton, and his profile picture was of a couple of children. This could be him! I clicked on the link, hoping his privacy settings weren't too high.

I quickly clicked on the photo link to see more photos from Jacob's page. Success; there was the face I remembered from 20 years ago. His hair was shorter than it had been, his face not quite as thin, but this was definitely the ruggedly-good-looking guy I remembered. I stared at his face for a bit, remembering his quick smile and dry sense of humour. It really had been a good time getting to know him, and the disappointment at his not keeping in touch was still there, twenty years later.

Scrolling through the rest of his photos, I saw him with two kids obviously his; two girls that looked about 15 and 11. No pictures of a wife. Checking his friends list, I saw a Julie Burnett. Her photos confirmed what I figured; she was his wife, and had a couple of their wedding photos, whole family photos, and photos of just the two of them. One photo showed that Jake still filled out a pair of jeans well, and his shoulders looked broad and muscular. Was it my imagination, or did he really not look happy in any of the photos since the wedding? I wondered what Jake would think of me if he saw me again. Would I look like I had aged well, or not?

Sighing, I considered. I would love to see him again. The thought of what could have been wouldn't leave my head. I know; he was still married, even if I wasn't. But I just wanted to meet him, to catch up and try to get an idea of whether he would still find me attractive. I guess my ego had taken a beating over the years. Heading to bed, I continued to think of past and present possibilities.

The next day I typed out the message I had penned in my head the night before.

Hi, Jake,

I don't know if you will remember me, but we met at a retreat centre one fall about 20 years ago, near Picton. I was driving through the area recently, and memories of our time there came flooding back. It was a great weekend; Jane and I were so glad you and Greg were there. What could have been a terrible weekend turned into a lot of fun.

I always regretted that my roommate was having a party when you called the next weekend. It was almost impossible to hear you, so I'm sorry I had to cut the conversation short. I don't know what happened at your end, but I was disappointed to never hear from you again. If we were 20 years younger and met now, it would have been completely different; we could have been texting right away.

Anyway, "what could have been", right? I was married for 21 years and had a daughter; my husband died a while ago. I still live in Kingston. If you're interested, I would love to see you again some time and catch up on what life has held.

Bronwyn

Hitting send, I crossed my fingers that Jake's curiosity would win out over any feeling that he owed it to his wife not meet a woman he used to be interested in.

Thought I kept checking my Facebook account each day, I didn't hear back from Jake. I was definitely disappointed, but not too surprised. He was married, and if I was his wife I wouldn't want him to go off meeting other women.

Thankfully, work was busy and I rarely even took time for anything other than to run out and grab a lunch to bring back and eat at my desk. One day I was craving fries from a nearby chip truck, so headed down the elevator and out of our building, only to turn onto the sidewalk and see Jake standing next to my building. Hands in his jacket pockets, he looked as startled as I felt.

"Jake?" I asked in disbelief as I slowly approached him.

He let out a long breath, his expression unreadable. It looked like a mixture of surprise, relief...and something else. "Bronwyn."

"I can't believe you're right here, outside my office! What are you doing in Kingston? Did you get my message on Facebook?"

His eyes didn't leave my face. "I, well, I had a meeting in town, and told them I would just take the rest of the day off after the meeting. I got your message, and I couldn't decide what to do."

Oh dear. "So you have time? Do you want to grab some lunch?"

He nodded. "Sure."

I thought quickly, running over various lunch places in my head, trying to think of somewhere we could eat and have some space to talk.

"Let's go this way," I instructed him, turning towards a pub I liked. "Were you going to come to my office? Is that why you were outside?"

"I hadn't decided yet. I'm still not sure this is a good idea. Not that I didn't want to see you. But I'm married, and I didn't tell my wife about your message, or that I might see you when I came to Kingston today."

"Oh." I felt wicked at the relief that went through me when I realized his wife didn't realize he was here. This was a meeting that only he and I knew about. "Well, you're not doing anything wrong. Just catching up with an old friend."

At the pub I asked for a table in an empty corner, where we could chat without worrying about too much noise. After we ordered, an awkward silence threatened to descend. I didn't want to waste our time with awkwardness, and plowed forward.

"Tell me about your life. What do you do? Tell me about your kids. Are you still in the house you had just bought when we met?"

He laughed then, a real laugh. "Ok, well, I'm a tool and die maker. It's a decent job; management is really good, and treat us well. My kids are 15 and 12; they're really good kids, and a lot of fun. My older daughter and I like going out four-wheeling; we have a big property in the country, and back onto trails. My younger daughter is a little princess, but we're really close."

"What are their names?" I asked.

Jake looked sideways as though the restaurant interior had suddenly become fascinating. "Um, Greer and uh - Bronwyn."

"Oh!"

He laughed, with an embarrassed smirk. "Yeah, I've always loved the name."

"Ok, well, great!" I said. I didn't know what to think. Thankfully he kept talking and turned the conversation to other topics.

"I sold that house after we were married a couple of years. Julie wanted something newer, something closer to Picton, so that's where we are now, in the country just outside of town."

"What was it about you and coffee?" I asked. "I remember Jane and I talking about sending you coffee for your new house, but I can't remember what the joke was now."

He grinned at the memory, and I remembered the effect his grin had had on me. So sexy. "Oh, no doubt something about my addictive need for coffee. I've got it programmed to come on so it's ready when I get out of the shower."

Oh gosh. Now I had an image of a wet, naked Jake. This was not good. I willed my cheeks not to turn red. Unsuccessfully.

Jake must have noticed.

"You know," he said, his smile fading, "I did call you back. Several times. Your roommate always said you were out. I eventually figured that maybe you were avoiding me, that you didn't really want to stay in touch, so I saved myself the embarrassment of calling anymore."

My heart dropped.

"Seriously? That wasn't the case at all. I was very interested in staying in touch. I was probably in evening classes, or at work...I worked part-time at the store Jane managed. Honestly, I kept hoping you would call again."

Jake looked at me with what looked like regret. Hell. It was just a matter of poor communication. I wish my roommate had asked for his phone number, so I could have called him back. Life would have been so different...

"I'm really sorry," I said quietly. "I still wish we could have explored that 'what if'. My husband was a good guy, but he had baggage, and my marriage wasn't exactly every little girls' dream. There was a lot of walking on egg-shells."

Jake looked concerned. "I'm sorry, too. I really liked you, and...well, I was hurt that you didn't seem to want to stay in touch. You wouldn't have had to walk on egg-shells with me. I learned from my Dad how to treat a woman, and you would have been a Queen in our home."

I shook my head regretfully at what could have been. "Wow. I can't imagine how different life would have been. You look great, by the way. You haven't really aged, you've just...matured."

His eyes roved down my body and back to my eyes. "You look great, too. You had a great body back then, and you still do. Your smile and your eyes haven't changed, of course, and that's what I loved looking at while we played cards that weekend."

Smiling shyly, I replied "Thanks. That's sweet of you."

Jake continued. "I think life would have been very different for both of us." He leaned forward to continue, but our food arrived just then, so he sat back as the server set our food down. When he'd left, Jake leaned forward again and continued speaking softly.

"My marriage was good at the beginning, but once our kids came it's like I lost my wife. She has no interest in...the physical aspect of marriage anymore, or me at all, much. It's all about the kids, and stuff going on at church. I'm so frustrated, and she acts as though I am wrong to want more."

He sat back. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this. I don't know why I am. I haven't told anyone else. Everybody we know is either at church with us, so it wouldn't be fair to Julie, or they work with me...and those guys wouldn't respect my desire to keep it quiet. They'd say something to Julie."

I was flabbergasted. "You can absolutely tell me this without worrying. But I can't believe she would do that! I mean, look at you, Jake; you're a hot guy. And a good guy, too! If you were a hot asshole it would be different, but you're sweet. I...I don't even know what to say."

"You think I'm hot?" Jake asked, with a sexy grin.

"Well, yeah!" I blurted out.

"Thanks." His grin was gone, the serious expression back. "I haven't had such a great self-image for the last twelve years or so." He paused, uncertain. "So maybe it's just Julie, and not me?"

His low self-esteem was heart-breaking. I couldn't let him think the issue was with him. "Trust me, Jake, it's just Julie. If you were my husband, you would be getting it all the time."

Jake shot me a look full of heat. Oh gosh. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

"Look, Jake; I realize that you're married, and regardless of the state of your marriage, I don't want to do anything to hurt your marriage." I leaned forward and put my hand on his. "But you don't have to live like this. It's not right of her to cut you off. You have to talk to her."

Jake looked at me, then down at our hands. He put his other hand on top of mine and squeezed it.

"Thanks, Bronwyn. It's such a relief to finally tell someone. I still don't know what to do, but I'm glad to hear that you don't think I'm being unreasonable, or that I've turned into an ugly duckling."

I smiled at him, and after a few seconds, removed my hand from his so we could eat our lunch.

We spent the rest of my lunch hour chatting about less heavy topics, just having fun like we did so many years ago when we met. After Jake walked me back to my building, I gave him a hug and whispered in his ear, "Please stay in touch."

I didn't stay to watch him walk away, as much as I would have loved the glimpse of him from behind. I had to try to stop thinking of him as 'the one that got away', and see him as a friend who needed my support.

Jake texted me periodically over the next few months, but never mentioned the topic of his marriage again. I reminded him once that I was there for him if he ever needed a sounding board or a shoulder to lean on, but he didn't take me up on it. I figured he must have decided to put up with Julie and her unfair expectations.

Imagine my surprise when I opened a Facebook message from him one day in mid-January and read, "Moving out this weekend. Do you think I could come for a visit Sunday?"

After typing an enthusiastic affirmative reply and giving him my address, I sat and pondered the news. So, not content to put up with Julie, then. I wondered how his kids were dealing with the news, and felt bad for them. The kids always got the bum deal when a marriage went sour; however, if there was less tension in the house, and they still get to see both parents, maybe it would be better for them in the long run.

I spent Saturday cleaning and tidying the house, excited to see Jake the next day and hear what he had to say about his decision. He must have left Picton first thing after his morning coffee, because he arrived just before 10:00 a.m.

"Jake!" I said with a grin as I opened the door. He opened up his arms to give me a hug. He looked tired; it must have been a difficult few months, and an especially difficult last few days in the house with Julie. I held on tight, and we held the hug for a few minutes. When he pulled back, there was a little less stress in his look.