Not Just for Christmas Ch. 10-13

"After I stupidly left you I knew very quickly that I'd made a big mistake, but after what I wrote in my note I was too ashamed to come back. Gordon was not really up to much, he was boring, more boring that I'd made you out to be.

"I realised that you weren't boring at all, you just had a different set of values in your life. I had seen you going to that Home, to your 'friends' when we were together. I never went, did I? I realised there was something I'd missed, but I didn't grasp what it was.

"When Gordon went down, I had no one. I got a job at the Echo and a poky flat. Even realising the values you had, I was still as selfish as hell. I thought I could just come back to you. I watched your place and saw you, Claire. I assumed you were a housekeeper, a cleaner. I checked and found who you were, easy in a newspaper office.

"So it seemed you were living alone, Mike. That's when I came round. I was so stupid! I thought I could beg a bed and seduce you into bed and everything would be OK again.

"But there you were Claire in a towel and there were three children. I knew there was more to this than I had thought. I knew straightaway you were an item. I could see Mike had everything he could want, you were pretty -- no, beautiful -- and you had a ready-made family. I was so jealous! And your daughter frightened me."

"We weren't an item then," said Claire. "We didn't get together until a couple of weekends before Gary came."

Cheryl looked surprised, but continued. "I never thought Gary would hurt you--"

"Never thought he would hurt her?" Mike said, his anger rising. "You knew she was with me because he had beaten her up!"

"Yes," she hastened to add, "but he was saying he wanted Claire back with him and all was forgiven. I saw it as a chance that Claire would go back with him and I could have another chance at you."

"You're not that naïve Cheryl!" Mike threw in.

"Gary lied," said Claire, ignoring Mike. "I'm not surprised."

"Yes," Cheryl went on, "but bitch that I am, I simply saw his attack as another chance."

"You got your friends to lie about me!" Mike growled, "and turned Claire against me."

"Yes," she said, "I was so bound up in this need to get back to you, that I got Tracy to lie for me, not that she knew it was a lie, and Bryony thought we were getting back together anyway, so I didn't enlighten her. I got Bob to go along, and well, you know the rest."

"So what's the visit for Cheryl?" Mike asked with some venom. "Claire and I are married. What game are you playing now?"

"No more games, Mike. I wanted to tell you both something," she said. "After you called out that comment about fucking Gary I went back to Bob and he said that you Claire weren't interested, but would do nothing but talk about Mike, I realised at long last what I'd done and how much Claire loved you, Mike.

"She'd given you up and cut you off out of love, to allow me to have you because she thought it was best for you. She was so strong and calm and so steadfast, and she didn't want anyone else. I felt and feel so guilty and small. I didn't deserve you Mike, and I still don't. You two do deserve each other; you both have values and ideals that are out of my class.

"Thanks to you Claire, I've at last seen what a hateful person I am, and I'm going to change. No more casual sex. I can't have Mike but if I find someone else, I'm going to try to love him as you love Mike. Why I couldn't see that giving is better than taking I don't know, but I see it now. I was always looking in the wrong place.

"Didn't someone once say, 'Seek what you seek, but not where you are seeking it'? I've been getting it wrong."

"Saint Augustine of Hippo," Mike said dismissively, "and his attitude to sex was fucked up as well. So have you finished?"

Claire shot him an angry look.

"Thanks for coming," she said to Cheryl. "It took a lot of guts. I hope you're happy in your new life."

They stood and hugged each other, while he looked on in amazement. This woman had disfigured Claire as truly as if she'd done it herself, and then done her utmost to turn Claire away from him. He didn't buy for a moment that Gary had told her he wanted to forgive Claire. When Cheryl turned to him with a shy smile, he brushed past her and got her coat.

She looked surprised and disappointed, but took it off him.

"Goodbye," she said, looking directly at him. "I really do wish you every happiness."

And with one more hug from Claire, she left.

Then came their first married row. She really laid into him; her delivery was cold and calm and full of distain but it was born of a fiery temper.

"Your behaviour was despicable!" she began. "Have you any idea what courage that poor woman had to have to come and apologise, to say she was wrong and she had done something terrible, and you treated her like shit.

"How could you? I thought you were bigger than that. She's seen how wrong she was about her life; she realised what she lost in you but you still had to cut her down. Do you enjoy kicking people when they're down, Mike? Can't you see she came even though it rubbed her face in the fact that someone else was living in her house, and with the man she once had and has now lost? I didn't know this side of you and I don't like it one bit." Her voice rose in pitch as her diatribe progressed.

"Hang on!" he shouted. "That woman is a conniving resentful bitch. She wouldn't have come with her sob story if she didn't have some nasty plan to sabotage our marriage. Why d'you think she was outside the register office? Making the first move to bring our relationship down! She's an accomplished liar and she's devious. And you fell for it! Hugging and kissing the woman who scarred you for life! Are you that naïve?"

She stood up.

"The trouble with you Mike," she was shouting back at him now, "is that you can't believe that anyone can change. You're one of those people who don't forgive, who can't give anyone a second chance. Cheryl was sincere. D'you think I can't tell the difference between someone feeding me a line and someone feeling genuinely sorry. God! I've had enough practice with Gary!"

"You're too bloody trusting and you're too complacent," he said scornfully, and she winced at the tone of his voice. "She's a bitch of the first order. She lies all the time, it's second nature to her. She went to Gary, talked her way into his confidence and fucked him a few times. I'll bet she wormed out of him how he would kill you rather than let anyone else have you then casually told him where you were. Hell! She never went near him once she'd set him up."

"That's right, Mike," she spat venomously. "Wallow in self-pity. That's what this is you know. She left you and you never got over it. Hurt your pride didn't it? You had this trophy wife and she left you because you were boring! Boring, Mike! Oh I'll bet that hurt! You can't forgive her that can you? It's nothing to do with what she did to me!"

"Don't be such a fool," he said witheringly. "She had at least four affairs while she was still married to me. She pretended to be the loving wife as long as I had more money than her fuck-toys but when she found a bloke who had more cash she got rid of me sharpish.

"She's callous and self-seeking. She always wants excitement. Ordinary life was never enough for her and now it seems you find me boring as well. I can't think why you married such a poor specimen, unforgiving, vindictive, grudge bearing, and boring to boot. Oh of course, it must be my money you were after! Perhaps all women are the same. Well, we're married now so you've secured a good settlement from the divorce! If that's what you want."

Dead silence. Had he hit a nerve? She turned and left the room without a backward glance. He heard their bedroom door slam.

'Never let the sun go down on your anger.' It is a wise saying, but they did just that. He went to his study and tried to get his head round the stuff Rosemary had left for him while he was away, but he couldn't concentrate.

Why did he turn the argument into a personal attack on Claire's motives? Why did he bring money into it? It was obviously untrue what he'd said.

In the evening he heard Claire clattering round the kitchen, then her steps as she climbed the stairs.

He went to the kitchen only to find the place empty. She had got her supper and made a drink and gone upstairs. He no longer felt hungry but made a sandwich and a mug of tea, and climbed in his turn up to bed, but when he got to the door of their room it was locked.

At first he thought the door was stuck but then the reality sank in; she had locked him out. His anger rose again and with it a sense of deep disappointment. He did not speak, or beg. He simply went back to his old room, made the bed and used it, setting the alarm. They had a long journey ahead of them the next day to collect the children. He did not sleep for a while, and before he dropped off, he realised the significance of the locked door, and the profound insult it was. As if he would be violent to her!

The next morning he rose, washed and shaved, and then went downstairs and set out a grapefruit and cereal breakfast. He cut and segmented the grapefruit for Claire and for himself and then made tea. He took up a mug of tea for her and left it on the table by the door to their bedroom. Then he went back down and ate his breakfast. He washed his dishes and then went to get the car from the garage. Then he went to his study and waited.

He heard her moving about upstairs. He heard her go to 'his' room and open the door. Then she came downstairs and went to the kitchen. She did not stay, but came to the study and opened the door.

"Morning," she said quietly. He gave no reply to her greeting.

"Get your breakfast and tell me when you're ready to go," he said, his voice flat and lifeless.

"Mike, I--"

"We need to set off soon."

She went. Half an hour later she came back in.

"I'm ready."

He stood, walked past her and collected the keys, standing by the door waiting to set the alarms. She passed him and went to the car, while he set the alarm and shut the front door. He got in the car and started it. The radio came on and it filled the deafening silence between them.

They had been travelling for half an hour and were speeding along the motorway when she spoke again.

"Mike," she said.

No reply.

"Please Mike, I'm sorry."

"Cheryl used to shut me out of the bedroom when we argued, sometimes for days at a time."

"I'm sorry."

"It's a little late for that. Our second night together in our home and you shut me out. It meant one of two things, either you thought I would use violence against you, or you were making sure you denied me sex.

"If it was the former, I'm deeply hurt you would even think I might hurt you. If the latter I will not live with someone who uses sex and affection as a weapon against me. Cheryl did it a lot; and I swore it would never happen again.

"Locking your door is a profound insult to me, and as you said, I'm unforgiving and can't give people a second chance. That leaves you in a difficult position."

"I'm sorry Mike," she said worry in her voice. "I didn't mean that about you. It was my temper; I say things I don't mean when I'm angry."

"What you don't seem to realise is that I've had first hand experience of Cheryl over an extended period. You may be right and she may have learned her lesson but I've had so much pain from her that I daren't trust her words. I just can't trust her.

"It seems you can't accept that. Well, I can't stop you forgiving her. Just remember how she deceived you. She set up all those visits at the hospital and tried to turn you against me or to give up on me. You fell for it and rejected me, for the best of intentions.

"She got Gary involved and set him up to attack you physically, and not only you but Siobhán as well. All I want is for you to be cautious, but that's not the issue any more."

"I don't follow. How--"

"All through my marriage to Cheryl I never locked my door on her. Sometimes there were days when she wouldn't speak to me and locked the door to our bedroom and I slept where I slept last night. There were days, sometimes weeks when she sulked in silence.

"I tried to talk to her, to apologise but it did no good. And while I'm at it, when I discovered her affairs -- and she made little effort to cover them up -- I gave her chance after chance. There's a limit, you know, to forgiveness. After all that she walked out and destroyed me.

"Claire, it's not even a matter of forgiveness, it's a matter of trust. She betrayed that trust over and over. So I don't trust her now. Not after all that has happened."

There was a long silence and the miles passed by.

"It's not true you know," she said quietly.

"What isn't?"

"What you said last night about me marrying you for money. That hurt me a lot Mike. More than all the other cutting things you said."

It brought him up short. He'd forgotten that. It was said in the heat of the moment and he knew it was totally untrue; he'd said it just to hurt her.

"I'm sorry," he said humbly, "It was totally untrue and a despicable thing for me to say after all you've done for me."

Another silence.

"Mike," she was hesitant. "Gary was never any good with words so he used to lash out with his fists. Every time we got into an argument I was terrified he'd go too far and kill me. I know you are gentle physically, but you can cut and hit hard with words and I'm not used to that. You frightened me last night. That's why I locked the door; I cried for hours."

They had reached an exit leading to a motorway service area and he pulled off, parked well away from the restaurant area and took her in his arms.

"I'm very, very sorry," he said, full of emotion, "I would never hurt you."

"You did hurt me," she answered, "but I hurt you first. I have a terrible tongue on me when I get angry. Forgive me?"

He kissed her, and she responded by devouring his mouth. Open mouthed their tongues fought. When they came up for air they fell back against their seats panting.

"I love you so much!" he gasped.

"And I love you as much and more," she answered.

"We must sort out rules," he said, as he got his breath back. "This won't be the last argument we have."

They sat and talked.

"Let me be clear," he said to her, stroking her cheek, "I made a promise 'until death' to you and I won't break it. I didn't break it with Cheryl, she did. She divorced me. You are all I'll ever want and I love the children dearly. So for me divorce is not an option, no matter what I might have said in the heat of the moment."

"Not for me either," she answered, putting her hand over his as he stroked her. "It was only because I rightly feared for my life that I parted from Gary. You are a different man and a different character."

"So no more talking about divorce then," he said.

"Agreed," she replied. Then, "And I promise solemnly that I will never ever lock our bedroom door against you again."

"And we never let the sun go down on our anger," he added.

"Never again," she smiled. "We always make up before we sleep."

They hugged each other again, and the first major row of their marriage was over. It would not be the last.

They picked up the children, who were overjoyed to hear that their name-change had been ratified. Mike received much hugging, and Ginny called him 'Daddy' very deliberately for the first time with a knowing smile, but she called him Daddy naturally ever after.

Everything settled into a pattern, and life became very comfortable. They were all very happy.

Christmas came and Claire was thoughtful as the first anniversary of their arrival dawned. So much had happened in that year, more than anyone should be expected to undergo. Catherine must have sensed it for she came over again, this time with Hank, and the festive time was wonderful. The house shone with all their smiles.

To be concluded.