Razor Ch. 07

I suppose I should have been glad that I hadn't fallen into the desperate ocean of destructiveness the night before, but I felt anything but happy. Actually, it seemed I wasn't feeling much of anything at all, and that wasn't really a good sign. It was as if I was dryly watching myself from afar; I could see what I was doing, I just couldn't feel it.

I sat where I had been sitting most of the night, on my bed, staring out the window. I could see the sun coloring the sky in yellow and orange hues, the beautiful colors of dawn, something that usually filled me with a sense of hope. A stray thought, that perhaps I needed to worry a bit about my lack of response to the beauty of nature, the way I liked it, through a window, blew swiftly through my mind, but there was just no energy left in me to catch that thought and run with it.

I didn't like the numbness I was stuck in, because it reminded me of those painful weeks of slow healing where I didn't care if I lived or died. I would have died then, if not for Rose. Rose, the kindest of friends, I should get going, if not for my own sake I should do it for her. And Sean. And the rest of the people I loved. Had I ever told them I loved them? Or showed them?

Just getting up was a true accomplishment, every one of my movements were slow and it seemed as if I was stuck in maple syrup, a taste- and colorless type with a strange sour smell to it. Or, come to think of it, the smell was coming from me. It was the sickening smell of someone who had spent too many hours sweating in complete fear, stuck in a living nightmare.

Showering meant I would have to remove my clothes and then put new clothes on, and that was way more effort than I felt up to. I decided to conserve what little energy I had for the two important things that I needed to get on with; to give the evidence box to Sean and to make sure that all of my friends were protected by taking them to my "safe house", one of the smaller buildings at the country seat that housed the Delilah Institute. And yeah, if I still had some strength left after that I'd drag myself over to William's to see if he could pull me up from the deep hole I'd managed to push myself into.

One thing at a time though... I whispered to myself as I reached for my phone. I dialed Sean's number and was sent to his answering services straight away. I tried calling once more, then a few more times. I stared at my phone in shock, Sean never shut his phone off. And if he hadn't shut it off, perhaps that meant... that someone else had shut his phone off for him. And that someone might be there... with them... hurting them.

I moved as fast as I could, which was too slowly and too clumsily for my taste, but after a lot of stumbling and cursing I managed to get a gun out of my safe and a knife out of an office drawer. I hesitated slightly, wondering if I should leave the evidence box where it was, but then grabbed it and walked out to my car.

I drove as fast as I dared to Gabriella's house but parked on the other side of a small hill, out of sight. I tucked my weapons in my pants and took a deep breath before I dragged my unwilling body straight out into mother nature. I made myself small and tried to walk as soundlessly as possible. God, I hated walking in the woods, there was always something dry to step on, and it was always straight under one or both of my feet.

I reached the house and walked around it, scanning the surrounding area. Nothing seemed out of place, except for a pair of boots that were lying down by the lake. Sean's and Gabriella's cars were both parked in the driveway, and there were no strange sounds, as far as I could tell, I was a city girl after all and there was a lot of confusing background noise. I walked up to the house and started looking in through the windows, to see if should try to storm the house, somehow, or if I should just knock on the door. The kitchen was well organized, clean and empty, the room beside the kitchen was... not empty, not empty at all.

I stared in disbelief at the tight little love-knot I saw in front of me, Rose and Sean in each other's arms. Bitter anger instantly hit me when I realized Sean had probably shut his off phone so he could stay the night with Rose without being disturbed. I ran to the door and knocked as hard as I could, and when a sleepy Gabriella opened the door I said something about having to see her nephew, to which she replied that he was sleeping in his car. I shook my head and told her he was in the house with my friend and then I ran past her to get to the lovebirds.

I threw the door open and stepped into the room prepared to tell them a few truths when my senses started sending me information about them. There was a distinct wet swamp smell in the room, Rose's hair was a matted, tousled mess, they were both fully dressed, and they were hanging on to each other as if their lives depended on it. I fell down into a chair that was standing just by the door of the room and tried to calm myself. It was good that I was no longer a lifeless zombie, but I had to use my sudden burst of energy in a better way than exploding in a useless temper tantrum. And I had to tell them why I was there.

"I've been trying to reach you on the phone, Sean," I said, slowly "and when the tenth call went directly to the answering services I started to get a bit worried. I'm happy you're taking care of my friend, but since I'm still worried about the whereabouts of the devil-husband, it would have been nice to know that you were all still alive. On top of that I had something really important to tell you about our investigations, so... that's why I... you know... barged right in here... without knocking. I'm both sorry and not..."

"My phone got drenched in the lake last night," Sean answered, turning his puppy eyes on me "I'm sorry, I should have let you know... but I..."

Lake water explained the heavy "eau de mud puddle" smell in the air, but why would he and his phone have been anywhere near the lake? I looked at them and sorted through everything I could read about my two friends. Rose had been in the water, at least that's what her hair told me. Sean had also been in the water, because wherever Sean went, his phone went. Sean hadn't had time to remove his clothes or his phone. And then there were those boots tossed carelessly by the lake.

I stood up abruptly as the answer hit me; Rose had been in the water, and if Sean had been in the water with his clothes on it was probably not because they had been occupied with romantic midnight swimming. I knew the vacuum that could follow in the footsteps of great emotional strain, but I hadn't thought Rose would get sucked into it, because she had the support of two loving friends. She wouldn't have been the first person to stumble on the famous finish line, but I'd rather die than allow her to hurt herself. I stifled a string of curses and pushed back the scream that made the back of my throat cramp up.

"Rose, take a walk with me, please..." I said, my voice surprisingly calm.

We walked out of the house and I steered Rose towards the forest. I would have preferred to walk down to the lake, but I didn't want to bring her there, I didn't want to remind her of the feelings that had pushed her to do what I suspected... no, pretty much knew, she had done.

My strength was running out again and I sat down and leaned against a tree. I tried to concentrate my thoughts on what I needed to tell her instead of what I wanted to ask her; it was so easy to start asking the why's, why did she do it, why now, why couldn't she trust her friends to help her make it alright. But the why's wouldn't make anything better, they would just make guilt grow inside her along with all of the other strong feelings she was probably fighting.

"We've found the films, and I've looked at them," I said softly, and I could hear my voice breaking "and there are a few scenes where your husband can be clearly identified, so it's safe to say that he's royally screwed. It worries me that none of my resources have been able to find him though, it makes me think that he's protected by someone smart enough to know how to cover his tracks. We're still looking though..."

I carefully studied her to see how she reacted to my information about the films and the sad fact that I hadn't been able to find anything even though I had scoured the city in all the ways I knew how to. She sighed and nodded, but her body was tense and she wore a worried expression on her face.

"Sarah and Susan are protected by a team of security experts, but I own a house just a few miles away, and I would like to bring all of you there, just for safety's sake." I said, starting out slow but ending with a few too quick words "It's the most well-protected place that I know of and I need to know that you're all ok, because all this worrying is almost breaking me apart."

Rose nodded again and I couldn't stop thinking about her attempt to take her own life. I couldn't stop the words that spilled out of my mouth then.

"I'm not going to ask what you were doing in the lake last night, Rose," I said "but please remember, that if you hurt yourself, you will hurt a lot of people in the process, people who love and care for you. Stay alive, keep breathing, and the rest will sort itself out with time, I promise. And Sean will help, I'm sure of it, he knows what you've been through. You just need to let him in."

"He doesn't know..." Rose answered, her eyes wide, her voice filled with pain "I don't want him to see the wounds on my upper body, they're hideous. He'll be disgusted..."

I don't know what made me remove my t-shirt and show her my scars, I should have known better. Rose was more likely to be more scared than calmed by what I showed her, but I still did it. At first I didn't want to see her reaction to my scars, so I looked down at the ground but then I realized I had to know, so I could help protect her if seeing me sent her to an even worse place than where she already was, mentally.

"Is it worse than this then?" I whispered and when I saw her shock I continued "No? Not worse? Then I would say you have nothing to worry about. I don't know what your injuries are but I can tell you that superficial skin damage will most likely disappear completely, and deeper cuts will look red from the beginning but will be less obvious as time passes."

I quickly put my t-shirt back on and let a long string of curses run its course through my mind. Rose started asking me questions but I shook my head and she realized she would have no answers from me, at least not that day. I looked up at her and forced myself to smile, a crooked smile that felt too wide for anyone to find believable.

"And... honestly, you'd be surprised how many girls there are who want to keep their t-shirt on when they're having sex. If you don't want to tell Sean why, just tell him you're shy. And then... rock on!" I said, feeling like the largest hypocrite in the world.

As we walked back to the house I tried to think of something to say to Rose that would make her understand how much I cared for her, how much I needed her to stay alive, how sorry I was for not helping her much sooner and... hundreds of other things I had never told her or anyone else. Words, that usually came so easy to me, I just couldn't put them in a good enough order. Frustration made my words to Sean, as we met him by the house, become sharper than I had intended as I asked him to walk me to my car.

We walked away in silence, but before we were too far away from Rose I turned around and yelled "I love you!". Three simple words, but with plenty of thoughts and feelings behind them. I hoped she would somehow understand what I meant; take care, stay alive, get well, grow strong, don't despair, find happiness, fall in love, stay true to yourself, keep going, you're wonderful, I love you.

My numbness had been replaced by a storm of feelings strong enough to break small trees, strong enough to break me. I tried to shake myself free by concentrating on what I needed to tell Sean.

"I didn't know if you were safe, so I parked here so that the sound of the engine wouldn't alert the people who were holding you hostage... or whatever. I couldn't think of anything else that would make you shut your phone off." I said slowly, and I could hear the broken tiredness in my words.

I got the paper box from the car and almost handed it to Sean, but realized at the last second that I had to make sure he didn't look at the pictures and films; a man with his almost too big heart would not respond well to any of it. I looked at him and could see his eagerness to get his hands on the information, so he could finally help Rose be free, at least legally and physically. Setting her completely free, saving her soul and her mind would take years, but from what I had seen, he seemed determined to stick around for the long haul.

"This box has everything you need to get the bastard." I said "It has documents, pictures, an external hard drive with all of the films and all of the material we've been able to find. It also has some interesting information about other parts of the family. And you can have it all, if you promise me two things..."

He nodded, still looking like an overgrown puppy, his eyes firmly focused on the paper box.

"You have to promise me to not look at the pictures and the films, to just hand it over to your homicide unit contact" I said and stared at him until he nodded "You also have to promise me to not tell anyone what I'm about to tell you now..."

Sean nodded and looked at me, his head tilted slightly to the left, obviously wondering why I was keeping him from getting his hands on the information he needed. I handed the box to him and he smiled and seemed to relax slightly.

"I've watched all of the films, and I tell you, there are so many good reasons why I don't want you to look at them. But that's not all..." I said weakly "most of the material have been filmed in a place that I know the address to..."

"What... why... where?" Sean answered with a shocked expression on his face.

"This is not the place or the time to tell you the what's and the why's, but I can tell you the where's." I whispered "Someone has cleaned the place up slightly, painted the walls in another color, but its fundamental design is still the same... the room is still 23 feet long and 15 feet wide, the manacles on the wall are still placed high enough for a person to almost reach the floor with her toes, the walls still look smooth and soft, but are probably just as rough on your skin..."

I could hear hysteria creeping closer and I stopped my too fast words by putting both of my hands in front of my mouth. Hysteria wasn't the only thing that crept closer however and when nausea hit me I had no way to stop it; I just turned around and puked, and everything around me became unfocused and blurry. I forced myself to stand up, got one of my prototype phones from the glove compartment of the car and gave it to Sean. I forced a few more words out through my tight lips, and surprised myself when the words rang out true and strong.

"You'll find the address to the place on the hand-written paper on top of all of the other things in the box," I said. "Now, get going, get it done and make sure it's done right and right-away. Because if the police force fucks this thing up, I won't be responsible for my actions!"

As I drove away I felt in a moment of perfect clarity that I was more likely to send myself and my car straight down into a ditch than performing any heroic or responsible acts. Frankly, I was more than surprised when I made it back to my apartment, all in one piece.

Perhaps I should have let myself fall to pieces then, but I kept my mind focused on Rose and managed to pull myself together enough to start thinking about the threat her husband still very much was. I restarted my go-get processes and to see if I could find him, but I wasn't very hopeful, he seemed to have disappeared completely.

I decided I had to try to eat something, to keep my strength up, but as I was mixing myself another health shake I heard my computer pinging, signaling that it had found something. I walked back to the computer and read through the meager findings. His phone still wasn't active, he could not be found on any of the security cameras or video streams I had managed to access, but one of his credit cards had been used the day before, straight in the middle of the city, at a small hardware store.

Full waves of worry hit me again as I contemplated the fact that Rose's idiot husband was still in town, that he was way too close to Rose, way too close to any of my friends. I could only see one reason for him to still be there, and that was to be able to cause more trouble, more pain. I activated the built-in GPS sender in the phone I had given to Sean to see where he was. Good, I thought to myself, he was still at Gabriella's place. I called and waited eagerly for him to answer.

"Hello," I said as Sean finally managed to answer "so, you're still at Gabriella's place?"

"Hello, what? Yes, we're still here... having breakfast," Sean answered and I could tell he was annoyed "how did you know?"

"I traced your phone..." I said thinking there was no need to tell him I didn't have to put a trace on the phone; tracking a GPS sender was so much simpler after all.

"What? You can't do that, or at least you can't tell me you're doing that!" he said with fast words.

"Sorry," I answered softly "what are your plans for the day?"

"Our plan?" he said with quick words "We're all going back to the city, I'm going to hand over the papers and then I'm going to get Edward. Rose and Gabriella are going past Gabriella's place and then to the beauty parlor, then to that mysterious house you've never told me about..."

I thought about their plans and quickly ran through a few different scenarios. Rose and Gabriella would be alone on the way to and at Gabriella's apartment, and I didn't like that, I didn't like that at all.

"May I speak to your aunt, please?" I asked Sean who answered yes and handed the phone over to Gabriella.

I opened the small information file I had on Gabriella and found the address to her apartment just as she said "Hello?" to me over the phone. I asked her if the address I had was the correct one and she answered that it was.

"Do you have to walk far from your car to your apartment?" I asked, worrying my lower lip with my teeth.

"If we have far to walk?" Gabriella answered "No, we'll park in the garage and take the elevator up..."

"Is the garage and house safe, locked, protected?" I quickly interrupted "And when will you be there?"

"Yes it's protected... we'll be safe." Gabriella answered "We'll be there in about 45 minutes."

"Okay, I'll come for a short talk with Rose then." I answered, no need scaring them by telling them about my worries, at least not yet.

"See you soon!" Gabriella answered before we hung up.

I sat back in my chair and thought about Rose, how I could help protect her when Sean wasn't around. I couldn't pull the two security teams away from Sarah and Susan, so the simplest plan would probably be for me to just meet them at Gabriella's and then go with them to the beauty parlor. Once they were in my house I'd be able to relax, finally. But going with them would mean I would miss my appointment with William. And I dearly needed the strength and calm only he could provide.

I closed my eyes and tried to think it all through, to find a way to be able to manage both the protection of Rose and the meeting with William. I went through everything I had said to Rose lately and realized that the advice I had given her was to passively lean on other people. I hadn't told her how impressed I was with her strength, that I knew that she'd be able to pull herself through it all thanks to that strong inner power. What I should have done, what I should do now was to give her a way to protect herself, to show her that she wasn't weak.