Requital

In the darkness, Steve's eyes widened in amazement. He was at a loss for words.

"Steve?" Barbara asked softly.

"What, honey?" He was distracted. He'd been trying to find a way to begin telling her what he'd been told just today.

"Hold me? I'm so scared," she begged.

Steve scooted closer and took her in his arms. He pulled her on her side so they were pressed together the whole length of their bodies. For a moment, he said nothing. He realized he had to choose his words carefully.

"Baby, listen…you're not going to die…and neither am I, okay?" She continued to quiver in his arms. He hugged her tighter.

"Barb, listen to me…you're not going to die." He shook her tenderly. "And I'm going to be around to aggravate you 'til you're old and toothless and can't walk without a cane. You understand? You are not about to die and I'm not either." Barbara quieted in his arms.

"But you've been so sick. You've got…"

"A bad case of the flu, followed by something one of the secretaries' kids had that got passed on to me, followed by week of hard work without lunches, honey. I don't have anything any more serious than that." He thought for a moment.

"I lost my appetite for a while, and I guess I look like a scarecrow…or a skeleton or something, but I'm fine now. I ate like a horse at dinner and was still hungry when I got home." He hugged his wife again. "I think I'm going to go easy on potato chips though," he added.

Barbara had stopped shivering in his arms. She took in everything her husband was telling her, but she was bewildered. The bed bounced when Steve untangled his feet from the sheets and got up.

"I'll be right back," he told her.

Steve walked quickly out of the room; Barbara heard him turn on a lamp in the living room. There were two snapping noises, a rustling sound…then something thumped closed, and Steve turned off the light out there. A moment later he was sitting beside her on the bed and clicking on the bedside lamp. Barbara was blinded. She blinked repeatedly until she got used to the brilliance. She pulled her upper body up on her elbows.

"I meant to tell you this tonight, Barbara," Steve explained, "but this was the night you always go visit your grandmother." He waved an official looking form at her.

"Honey," he said earnestly, "I am not HIV positive. It's been more than three months since…ahhhhhh…since I was exposed…and there's no sign of any of the antibodies. I just got the word from Doctor Macmillan this afternoon." He studied Barbara's face for a hint into her thinking.

"The doctor told me ninety-six or ninety-seven percent of the time, HIV shows up between…uh…two and twelve weeks after exposure was what he said…and I'm way past that, Barbara. There are some very rare occasions when it won't show up until the six-month point, but Doctor Mac isn't concerned about that where I'm concerned. He said the chances I will test positive from this point on are about the same as being hit by a meteor. Understand, honey? I don't have AIDS…and you can't catch it from me."

Barbara lay back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling for a space.

"You couldn't have told me earlier?" she said with an edge to her voice.

"I was asleep," Steve countered quickly, reminding her. "I didn't know it couldn't wait until morning, Barbara," he told her in a conciliatory tone. The reasoning was too clear for her to refute.

"And since they gave me that injection desensitizing me to penicillin, they've knocked down all the other STDs and I'm completely clean. Oh! And the county health people have contacted all of Kim's…uh…partners, and all of them are HIV negative too. All of them are past the six-month point after having sex with someone outside their little circle. They've been passing a witch's brew of STDs around between them, but AIDS isn't one of them, honey." He waited for Barbara to absorb everything he'd told her.

"We're not going to die?" she whispered.

"Not anytime soon," Steve assured her.

"Oh, God," Barbara said. "You must think I'm such a fool," she wailed. She threw her right forearm across her eyes to hide herself from her husband.

Steve puffed out a breath of air. He'd been holding it while he waited for her reaction.

"No…no I don't, honey." He turned out the light and got back into bed.

"We do have something to discuss, though," he said quietly.

"What?" Barbara asked. She was comfortable in her husband's arms. She'd missed having them around her.

"We did agree that we would discuss and come to terms with everything relating to our beginning to have sex again…remember?" Steve reminded her.

"Well…yeah," she answered reluctantly. "But…"

"No buts," Steve said sternly. "I'm going to have to punish you."

"What're you going to do," Barbara asked worriedly. She had made that agreement and this was no time for her and Steve to have a setback. They'd been doing so well since last fall.

"Well…I think for starters," Steve replied "you are going to have to sleep in the wet spot tonight," he said.

Barbara relaxed in his arms. She passed a hand over the sheet-covered mattress.

"I don't think there is a wet spot," she said coyly.

"Ahhhhhh," he drawled, "well…that's true, my boxers took care of most of it before, but I'm pretty sure I remember how to make one on the sheets," Steve said gently. His hand found the hem of her nightgown and slipped beneath to slide up her smooth thigh.

Barbara giggled happily.

"Okay," she said agreeably.

********

In the gray light of a cold dawn, making love to his wife didn't seem like the fine idea it had last night. As great as the lovemaking had been, as good as it was to hold her through the night once more, Steve still had many problems with Barbara's infidelity he didn't understand and didn't consider resolved. He didn't trust his wife anymore, for instance, and didn't see how he ever could again. He accepted her remorse for having betrayed the marriage, but wasn't sure how that affected anything. Most importantly, he didn't understand why she'd stepped outside the marriage.

Beyond that, in only pretending to be irritated at her breaking the agreement not to have sex until they both agreed, he'd marginalized the process of setting up boundaries and conditions for living together in what he still considered an in-house separation.

When he examined that, he saw that idea had been superseded. Somewhere along the way, he'd unwittingly crossed the threshold from not wanting and not believing reconciliation was possible, to hoping one was. It depressed him. It gave him a sense of not being in control of his own future again.

********

"So, let's talk about forgiveness again this evening," Verne Houston suggested, "in light of you two having made love last night."

Steve had hoped for the conversation to take a different direction. He'd thought all day of the ramifications of what he and Barbara had done. The more he'd examined the sex and everything that surrounded the event, the less certain he was he understood anything about Barbara's adultery and his reaction.

"Barbara?" Houston prompted. Barbara looked at the counselor uncertainly for a long moment.

"Well, like we talked about it back then," she said slowly, "it's about acceptance that a good person can do something bad and…a deep remorse…and stuff like that.

"Yes, we've pretty much established a definition for it…do you agree, Steve?"

Steve nodded.

"But I still have questions about some things related to forgiving someone," he reminded Mr. Houston.

"Understood," the counselor returned quickly, "and we'll get to them, but I'd like to hear a discussion of just the one issue for right now, okay?" Steve nodded after a momentary hesitation.

"Barbara," Mr. Houston said as he turned back to her. "Have you asked Steve for his forgiveness?"

"She doesn't have to beg me for forgiveness," Steve said quickly.

"I didn't say beg," Verne returned just as quickly.

He'd been ready for the comment, though with many of his clients, it was the wayward spouse who mentioned it. He was encouraged that Steve's immediate reaction had been to defend his wife. It was a good sign.

"I said asked," Verne repeated. He turned his attention back to Barbara.

"Have you?" he asked kindly.

Barbara shook her head hesitantly. She wet her lips with a nervous tongue. She waited for Mr. Houston to continue. He didn't say anything. Barbara turned to Steve to find him watching her intently.

"Steve," she whispered, "I have been ten kinds of a fool…I've done things…things a wife can never, ever do…and I hate myself for having done them. I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am for everything about all of the terrible--"

"Yes," Steve said softly.

"What?" Barbara said cautiously.

"Steve took a deep breath and let it out. He was almost certain he was making a bad mistake.

"I forgive you for…the lies…the deceit…uh…all the things you've done," he said slowly, belatedly realizing he didn't want to itemize every wrong he felt she'd committed. "I won't forget them anytime soon, maybe never, but I see how sorry…how remorseful…you are and I accept that."

He was about to add something but thought better of it. Instead, he reached across the gap between their chairs and took his wife's hand in his. He squeezed it gently.

Verne Houston let the moment extend itself for a while before taking the next step.

"Steve?" he said quietly. "Have you asked Barbara to forgive you for the hurt you've caused her?"

Steve's grip on his wife's fingers tightened involuntarily. Steve's eyes narrowed to slits as he studied the counselor behind the big desk.

"For the hurt, Steve?" Verne said delicately.

There was a long moment of stillness in the room while Steve considered what the counselor was asking. Steve's eyes lost their focus while he reflected on Mr. Houston's words.

"I am sorry for wrecking the image you had of your baby sister, Barb," he said tentatively. "I think it had to be done…she was doing things that would destroy herself in time…but I didn't need to do it the way I did," he continued. "I wanted you to know how it felt to have something beautiful destroyed…but that was wrong of me. I should have found a better way to expose what she was doing to your parents."

Steve was quiet for a long while. His face reflected the turmoil in his mind. When Barbara would have said something, he held up his hand to stop her.

"I will also be eternally sorry for having sex with her, Barbara," he said softly. "It was part of wanting you to feel the same loss I had, but I shouldn't have done it." He looked at Barbara for the first time. "I never thought we would ever even talk to each other again. I think having sex with her was a way of finally pushing you out of my life.

"And maybe ending my life too," he mused. "I don't know for sure if that's what I was trying to do or if I just accepted the possibility and didn't care about the consequences or what. I was so damned depressed I just didn't care anymore," he added.

Steve took another deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I know it wasn't right to have sex with her," he said. "Even if I considered the marriage over, I didn't have a right to do that and I wish I'd never done it." He struggled for the words to express something else.

"I forgive you for all of that," Barbara said calmly. "I thought you knew," she added. "I forgave you before the first counseling we had after I found out. I accepted that you had sex with Kimberly while you were so depressed you didn't know how to get out. I saw that the night I moved back home. I don't even think about it anymore."

Steve stared at her. They'd never discussed anything relating to his relationship with Kimberly.

"You never wondered?" Barbara asked him.

"Well…yeah," Steve answered, "but for a long time it didn't matter too much to me why you didn't seem to hate me for it all." He snorted. "Actually, it pissed me off that you wouldn't hate me so we could just get the divorce done." He looked his wife in the eyes.

"I don't feel that way anymore," he said. "I was stupid too, Barbara. I was reacting to things you'd done, but I was stupid to think I could get even that way."

"It's over and done with now," Barbara said briskly. She hesitated a moment.

Steve stared at her. He understood what she was saying. He understood the spirit in which it had been offered. He looked away.

"Someday…I hope I can say the same," he said.

Barbara hid her disappointment with a nod and a small smile. She'd hoped, but she wasn't going to ruin the progress she thought she'd made with her husband the past few days by pushing him further, and faster, than he felt comfortable going.

********

"I think you've got your man back, young lady," Lydia said approvingly. "It wasn't easy and he fought it as hard as he could, but you're his woman again and he's your man."

Barbara looked at her grandmother pensively. She wasn't quite so sure. Things were on the right track, but there were still a lot of problems still to be settled…solved.

"What is it, child?" Lydia asked, seeing her granddaughter's face.

Barb chewed at her lower lip for a few seconds before answering.

"It's something Steve said a long time ago in a session," Barbara said finally. "He said the last time he'd had really good sex with me was…like, a couple of months after our honeymoon." She looked at her grandmother mournfully. "Why would he say that, Nony?"

"Well, this is a long shot, Barbie, but maybe because that's the way he felt?"

"Nony!" Barbara scolded. "That's not nice." Lydia chuckled.

"Sometimes, honey, sex isn't nice…sometimes it's hot, sweaty, undignified…and absolutely nasty," Lydia remarked.

"I--"

Barbara looked at her grandmother uncertainly. Her Nony had told her they could discuss anything about anyone, but she sensed this subject might get out of control…fast. She didn't know what to say next.

"When you and Steve made love for the first time again, how was it?" Lydia asked, taking pity on her granddaughter. Lydia could see Barb didn't know how to approach a topic that had been bothering her for a while.

"Beautiful," Barbara replied instantly. "He was so tender and loving and kind…when we came, I thought I'd never felt so wonderful in my life."

"So he kissed you a lot while he was making love to you?" Lydia asked. Barbara nodded.

"He cupped your breasts gently, kissed your nipples softly?"

Barbara's neck began turning a delicate shade of pink. These weren't things she'd never dreamed of discussing with her mother, much less her grandmother.

"Uh-huh," Barbara muttered.

"He stroked your arms…your thighs…he touched you softly everywhere…kissed his way down your belly and--"

"Yes…right…he did all that," Barbara said hurriedly. The pink on her neck was getting darker and showed signs of becoming more enduring the longer her grandmother talked.

Lydia smiled tolerantly at Barbara.

"And when he…put his penis…inside you, he did it slow and gentle…making sure you were ready for him?"

Barbara could only nod this time.

"And the lights were out because the two of you were already in bed?" Barbara nodded shortly again.

"Like you almost always are when you and Steve make love?"

Barbara looked at her grandmother for a long moment before nodding slowly. Nony was looking like the cat that had just eaten the canary. Barbara began to suspect Nony was up to something.

Lydia stood up and walked to the window to look outside for a bit. Barbara thought her grandmother was considering everything she'd been told…the things Barbara thought were too private to speak of with anyone else.

"So…" Lydia said, turning around quickly, "when was the last time Steve bent you over the kitchen table and fucked your brains out?"

It took a second. Barbara gasped.

"Nony!" she said, appalled by her grandmother's question.

Lydia chuckled delightedly. Half the fun of growing old was shocking the daylights out of the younger generation.

"Well?" Lydia asked, refusing to back off.

"A long time," Barbara responded faintly.

"Since your honeymoon?" Lydia challenged.

"Almost," Barbara said in voice only slightly louder than a whisper. The dark red on her neck was spreading upward though the younger woman was trying hard to suppress it.

Lydia laughed.

"Because it's too nasty?" she asked. Barbara shook her head.

"Steve quit asking me to do things like that," she said defiantly.

"Child," Lydia said in a low voice, "that's probably because he could see you weren't very willing. So, why does he need to "ask" you for sex anyway? How come you don't knock him down on the couch, drop on top of him, and tell 'im to slam it to ya huh?"

Barbara's face was crimson now.

"When's the last time you gave him a good old-fashioned, nasty-ass, knee-buckling blowjob?" Lydia asked. "How about doing him in the shower? Ever had him take you standing up out on the back porch?"

Barbara was overwhelmed. She could only shake her head to every question her grandmother put to her. When her grandmother was silent, Barbara hung her head as the implication of all the questions became clear.

"Am I such a prude as all that?" she asked timidly. "It's not like I wouldn't let Steve--"

Lydia smiled gently.

"Child, if it's not given freely, maybe he just gave up hoping you'd come to like it too and he quit asking."

"But I like it, Nony," Barbara protested. "But shouldn't Steve be the one to--?" Her grandmother was shaking her head violently.

"I blame your mother for this," Lydia muttered to herself. "If she just started letting her hair down before she turned forty...well, never mind.

"We'll work on it…if you want to. We can talk about the difference between making love, loving sex, and some good old raunchy sex that's just for fun," Lydia said.

Barbara nodded eagerly.

"I do want to, Nony…work on it, that is. Ever since Steve caught me and gave me hell for being a jackass, I've wanted him so bad I ache sometimes. We've only done it a couple of times since I moved back home. If he'd only…the other day at work, Nony, I started thinking about him and I wanted to just call him and meet him somewhere and--"

Barbara cut herself off and turned scarlet.

Lydia laughed

"Then it's not too late," she assured her granddaughter. "You just need a little education…a little spark maybe. Hmmmmmmm, where to start?

"Okay," she sighed, "nothing for it but to go whole hog, I guess. Come with me, Barbie…I have some things for you to see, but if you tell your mom I have them, she'll…she'll…well, come to think of it, she'll might want to borrow them, and that ain't gonna happen."

Barbara followed her grandmother to the upstairs master bedroom where Lydia opened the lower drawer in her bureau. She began hauling out VHS cassettes, DVDs, unidentifiable equipment, and then a few recognizable pieces of plastic.

"Nony!" Barbara said, scandalized. Lydia only chuckled.

"Child, you got a lot to learn and not much time to do it," Lydia cautioned her granddaughter. "Now, you take these videos home and you watch them. You'll get a few good ideas from them…not many, but some. Videos are all about different camera angles and weird positions people can't really get into and have good sex…but these will get any man into the mood, and you too probably. They sure do me."

"Nony," Barbara said in a subdued voice.

She didn't know whether to laugh nervously or hide her eyes so she couldn't see the obscenely illustrated covers on the DVDs and cassettes. She recognized the assortment of vibrators and dildos for what they were. Unwanted, a vision of her grandmother using one…all of them raced through her mind. The blush on her face was going to be permanent if she didn't get control of herself pretty darn quickly.