Requital

To cover her confusion, she picked up a curiously shaped bit of clear blue plastic.

"What's this, Nony?" she asked.

"Honey, that's a butt plug," she explained without pausing in emptying her drawer of all its toys and paraphernalia.

Barbara dropped the inoffensive piece of plastic on her grandmother's bed. Lydia looked at her granddaughter pityingly.

"Child, don't knock it 'til you try it," she advised. "Anal sex is actually pretty damn good, when you figure out how it's done right."

"Nony," Barbara said weakly.

Lydia quit digging in the drawer and looked up at her granddaughter.

"It's the truth, Barbie girl," she assured her granddaughter. "Actually…knowing what I do about what was on those videos of your sister's, I can tell you you're the only gal in the family not enjoying a little of that from time to time."

"Oh my God," Barbara whispered as the implication of what her grandmother said sank in. "Mother told you…?" Her grandmother just looked at her.

Barbara collapsed, rather than sat, on the bed. The clear blue butt plug and a realistically shaped dildo rolled toward Barbara and she reflexively picked both up to keep them from falling off.

"Ahhhhhh," Lydia said approvingly, "you like those huh?"

Barbara quickly put them back on the bedspread where they wouldn't roll toward her again. It as if they'd suddenly grown too hot to handle. Lydia grinned at Barb's expression. The girl was trying to be proper and disinterested, but she couldn't keep from being curious. Lydia's expression changed.

"You know what?" Lydia said. She was irritated with herself. "This is going about it bass-ackwards as my dad used to say. We need to go directly to the source." Lydia began shoveling everything back in the big drawer.

"You got your car, right? You got a credit card with you?" Lydia asked her granddaughter as she got to her feet and started for the door. She was moving fast and was already starting down the stairs.

"Sure," Barbara replied, getting hurriedly to her feet and following her grandmother to the stair landing outside the bedroom. "Where are we going?"

"To an adult bookstore down off the Loop," her grandmother told Barbara. "Come on…we're wasting daylight. You're driving," Lydia added.

Barbara felt a little faint but she kept walking. A moment later, she surprised herself by trotting eagerly down the stairs to catch up with her grandmother.

********

"Hi, Elaine, how're you doing?" Steve greeted the attractive young woman as she sat down.

"Just fine, thanks. How 'bout you?" she replied.

They ordered coffee. Neither was hungry. Their past few meetings had been quick ones where their earlier ones had been lengthy, full of small talk and support for each other. They didn't need that much support, or long dinners, these days.

"Doing pretty darn good, everything considered," Steve answered. He smiled a lazy, relaxed smile to show how well he thought things were going.

"I pulled the divorce paperwork," Steve blurted. He'd been resisting that step for a long while, even though he'd been telling his attorney since November not to work on moving the petition forward.

"Good for you," Elaine remarked enthusiastically. "It's about time you came to your senses," she added.

Steve was taken aback. His wife had had an affair with Elaine's husband. It had been primarily an emotional affair, but it had been progressing through tiny steps into a full-blown physical one when Steve had exploded the adulterers' little dream world into bits and pieces. Elaine, in Steve's estimation, shouldn't be that happy Barbara wasn't going to have to go through a nasty divorce.

"That's nice of you," Steve observed. Elaine grinned.

"You think I should want her to suffer a little more?"

"Uh…something like that," Steve admitted.

"Well, you did put her through hell for a while there…several months worth…and from what you've told me, she's made every effort to change the way she was acting. I don't have any particular need to see her beaten into the ground. Well, not anymore."

Elaine grinned. She had been very certain Barbara and Elaine's husband needed exactly that when Steve and Elaine had met that first time.

Steve smiled back. He and Elaine had gone through a lot over the past few months. Most of the time, they'd not felt like smiling at all.

"Rafe's coming around too," Elaine ventured. She spooned another teaspoon of sugar into her coffee cup for a time before looking up again.

"He isn't being considered as a City Counsel candidate any longer, you know."

Steve nodded. He had known about that. The Democrats had dropped him like a flaming marshmallow back when the scandal broke. With the investigation on the former mayor's sexual indiscretion and subsequent perjury allegation about to be reported back to Congress, the party leadership hadn't wanted to draw any attention to themselves with a poorly considered nominee.

"And the insurance company refused to pay for his Thunderbird," Steve added. Elaine nodded and sniffed.

"He didn't need that damn car anyhow…I told him it was stupid to buy a car that only two people could get in when he bought the thing." Elaine paused to let her irritation pass.

"Well, anyway, he also turned down a better job at the regional headquarters," Elaine said. She was making sure the sugar was completely stirred into the hot coffee.

"It was a test of sorts," she admitted. "I told him he needed to spend more time with me and our daughter and asked him how he was going to do that if he accepted a more stressful and time…uh…consuming job." She looked up.

"He passed the test pretty well," she said, "and he's working hard on being a better father to our little girl and I couldn't ask for a better man for a husband…lately, anyway." She bit her lower lip.

"The thing is--"

Steve put his hand over hers as it lay on the tabletop.

"Now you need to be there so he can spend more time with you and your little girl?" he asked.

"Yes," Elaine said gratefully.

"And this is going to be the last time we get together to talk?" Steve asked.

"Yes," Elaine answered with a sad expression on her face.

Steve smiled gently and patted her hand.

"Well, it's time," he said quietly. "I'm glad for you Elaine. I really am."

They talked for another twenty minutes, wrapping up a number of items they'd begun discussing through the months but not finished. When they were through and the coffee was finished, they left their waitress a twenty-dollar bill for the coffee and a big tip on the table and walked out. Outside, they embraced a last time and separated to go home to their spouses.

A policewoman walking into the café thought they were a brother and sister having to say goodbye for a time. It was kind of touching.

Chapter 10 - Late February

"I am truly amazed at the strides you both have made just in the last month, and much of it is being accomplished by the two of you working without me being there. That tells me the paths of communication are open again and working well between the two of you. That's very gratifying."

The counselor looked at the couple for a long moment.

"What would you say if we started meeting just every two…well, say three weeks for a while to see how it goes?" he asked them.

Barbara and Steve looked at each other. Steve crooked an eyebrow a fraction of an inch and read something in his wife's eyes. Barbara had no objection. Verne chuckled to himself. The subtle nonverbal communications couples developed after living with each other was working well between these two again.

"That sounds okay," Steve answered for both of them. "We can always go back to a more frequent schedule if we need to, right?" Mr. Houston nodded.

"Okay," Verne said briskly, "we'll set it up for every three weeks then. Thursday evenings still good for everybody? Good. I'll just…"

The counselor punched a button on his phone and waited. He frowned when there was no answer. He tried it again. There was no response.

"Give me a minute," he told the couple, getting to his feet. "The darned intercom has never really worked right…I'll just be a moment." He hurried into the outer office.

"We don't need to talk about important things just in front of him, do we?" Steve asked his wife when they were alone. Barbara shook her head decisively.

"We're both adults," she said. "If we get too pissed off with each other, we're smart enough to see it and do a timeout or something." Steve nodded.

"That's about how I see it," he agreed. They were quiet for a while.

"Kim said to say hi," Barbara ventured. Steve was surprised.

"She did? When did she say that?" he asked.

"She called from Dallas this morning," Barbara said, "before I went in to work." Steve nodded. He didn't know what to say for a moment. He decided to just say what was on his mind.

"Is she still mad at me?"

Barbara laughed.

"No…she got over that a long time ago," she assured her husband. "She wanted really bad to cut your heart out for a while there," she said, "but she's okay now.

"Kim's been getting a lot of really intensive counseling," Barbara continued, "and she sees she was heading down an awfully dark road. She's about to the point where she's ready to thank you for caring enough to stop it dead.

"Actually, you wouldn't believe the baggage she's been carrying around since she was only about six years old." Barbara shook her head in bewilderment. "Mom and Dad's little girls have been two messed up puppies, you know that?"

"Well…the "dark road" thing wasn't the only reason I told your parents about it," Steve muttered. "I'm still not happy with what I did to--"

"We agreed we didn't need to discuss that again," Barbara reminded him.

"Yeah," Steve sighed. "But sometimes I feel so guilty for being such an ass with her…and then talking to your parents the way I did." Barbara patted his hand comfortingly.

"Honey, they've all three forgiven you…you know that," she said.

"I know," Steve replied softly. "Sometimes I wish they'd be mad as spit at me," he muttered. "The way your mom and dad treated me when we went over there at Christmas…well…I wouldn't have blamed him if your dad had hit me in the face instead of shaking my hand."

"Well, after Nony had a long talk with them and pointed out Kim was just a step away from overdosing or catching her death of disease, they were willing to be a little more compassionate than they would have otherwise," Barbara told him.

"Nony talked Dad into hiring that investigator to make sure all of those amateur porn tapes of Kim's were accounted for, you know. They never did find any more of them after that one guy in the first video you say you saw gave his copy up…nothing ever showed up on the Internet either, so it looks like all that is going to go away."

"Uh-huh…your Nony has really been working hard in all of this," Steve remarked after a time. He didn't really like discussing Kim's videotapes.

"You've been seeing an awful lot of her the past few weeks, haven't you?" he asked idly.

"Uh-huh," Barbara answered. There was a hint of nervousness in her voice. "She's good for me, don't you think?" Steve nodded his agreement.

"Nony likes you an awful lot," Barbara told him.

Steve smiled. He liked Barbara's grandmother right back.

"Okay," Verne said as he bustled back in the door. "Shelia's got it set up for you to be here every third Thursday for the next two months…and then we'll reevaluate, okay?"

"Sounds good," Steve answered, looking at Barbara. She nodded.

"Excellent," the counselor said. He beamed at the two of them. "So what shall we talk about tonight?" he asked. "Are there any questions that haven't been answered in your mind?"

Steve shifted uncomfortably.

"I…I really don't want to--"

"No!" Barbara said forcefully. "Let's get everything out in the open and talk it all out now, Steve. We don't want for something to come at us out of nowhere ten years from now just because you didn't want to rock the boat now." Her expression softened.

"Whatever you need to know…okay, Steve?" Barbara said.

"All right," Steve said slowly. "I've got a handle on pretty much all of it. I understand how you were vulnerable and everything a couple of times in your life. I accept…it hurts and I don't completely understand it…but I accept that you felt you couldn't come to me with your doubts and all. I think I need to talk more about that in the future, if it's all right with everyone." Barbara nodded.

"But I think that what bothers me most…after the…the shock of you becoming involved with those two men after we got married…the thing that bothers me most is just when did you decide that it was okay to do that, Barbara? How did something you knew to be completely wrong turn into something that was okay? I just don't understand how that can happen, Barb, honey."

"Are you forgetting about Thad Brown…before we got married?" Barbara asked.

The question took Steve by surprise. His eyes lost their focus while he thought.

"No, I'm not forgetting about him," Steve said finally. That was before we were married. You've convinced me…weeks ago, you convinced me you really were in the process of telling him good-bye. You broke a date you had with me, you lied about what you were going to be doing and where you'd be, but we hadn't taken any vows. I dumped you; we didn't see each other for six months and that was enough. That's over with. I don't put Thad Brown in the same category as Jimmie Roberts and Raphael Porter. I just used him that time to count up all…all my…uh…grievances, you might say."

Barbara nodded decisively.

"Thank you," she said. She blew out her breath and smiled tentatively at her husband.

"I figured he wasn't still a part of this. I was sure I knew it was Jimmie and Rafe that were still bothering you," she said. She paused to gather her thoughts.

"First off, I never decided to get involved with anyone else. I never wanted to do anything. Darn, it's still hard to talk about it.

"Yes, I did know it was wrong but I never let myself think about what it might…what it would cost me. I never thought about any consequences. It was all about getting a quick fix of emotional support for whatever was bothering me at that moment. Why I needed it and couldn't see you were there to give it to me bothers me every time I think about it.

She took Steve's hand in hers. She felt free to do that these days. Steve didn't protest or pull away. They were solving a problem together.

"There wasn't any one moment where I decided to cheat on you," Barbara said slowly.

She'd had to brace herself up before using the word that described what she'd done. It was never going to be easy using it. She hated it.

"It was months in coming to that end," she said quietly. "It was a little bit at a time…a hundred tiny steps in a direction I didn't know I was going. There was a time when I figured out I was doing something wrong, but my thinking wasn't at all clear by then. Everything was so mixed up. I had been confused and…lost…for a year or so and I let things slip away from me really badly…especially after my miscarriage.

"I let other men flatter me, tell me I was still beautiful, desirable, smart…whatever…you name and Jimmie Roberts and Raphael Porter took care of what I needed emotionally for a time. You stopped Jimmie cold before I could make a worse mistake than just listening to him. I just wish you could have with Rafe too.

"I've already told you…I didn't hear you when you were telling me all those things too. I was wrong, baby. I was stupid and didn't hear you. I thought, for some crazy reason, that you were only saying those things to me because you had to…and I don't have any idea why I thought that.

"And I think I was more immature than either of us realized, Steve. I felt insecure, and I was lazy…I didn't even know I had to work on our relationship. I thought "happily ever after" just happened because two people loved each other. When we had our first fight, I was devastated. I was shocked so bad, I didn't know who to talk to or what to say.

"All I saw growing up was mom and dad getting along great all of the time. I never saw them fuss or fight. I thought that was normal. I know now they hid their arguments from me and Kimberly, but that came too late to help me. I didn't know how to get beyond an argument and keep on working to make a marriage."

Barbara searched Steve's eyes for understanding. He might not totally accept everything she had to say, but she hoped he would identify enough with what she was telling him to give her the benefit of the doubt. She took a deep breath.

"Can we go back for a second? I forgot something. You're really wondering if there was a point where I decided to do something, even though I knew what I was about to do was wrong. You wondered how I made a decision to do it anyway," she said.

Steve nodded encouragingly. He almost wished he hadn't started this dialogue. He wasn't sure it was going to turn out very well at all.

"Remember the stoplight?" Barbara asked him. For a moment, Steve had no idea what she was talking about. Then it came to him. It had been six years and more.

"The stoplight?" Mr. Houston asked.

He'd been following everything Barbara said. Much of what she said was typical of wives who strayed from their marriages. Most of them talked about being confused, a feeling of isolation, and a lack of any consideration about consequences. Few of them understood how they could have fallen into the behavioral patterns they had. Barbara had made it a point to delve deeper than most women would, or could. Stoplights had never come up before though. This was unique.

"It was when we were still dating," Barbara said, partially facing the counselor. "Steve was driving and two other couples were going with us somewhere…"

"State park," Steve grunted.

"Yeah," Barbara agreed. "We were going out to a state park for a picnic on this little country road. Out in the middle of nowhere, there was this intersection in one of those small towns. It was nothing more than a wide spot in the road, but it had a stoplight. It was red for us going in the direction we were so Steve pulled up and stopped. Then he just got off the brake, put his foot on the accelerator, and off we went. We all looked around for one of those constables they have out in those small towns or a deputy sheriff or something, but we were lucky." She smiled at her husband.

"The thing is…it was so unlike Steve. He's such a careful driver when there are others in the car with him. He was the only guy in our crowd who obeyed the speed limits and came to a full stop and stuff like that. He always said when I was in the car with him, he felt like he had a lot of responsibility and wouldn't risk me getting hurt. I thought it was wonderful the way he said it," Barbara remarked. She smiled at her husband.

"Anyway…when we all got quiet, Steve asked us what was going on…like he didn't know what he'd just done." Barbara paused for a couple of beats.

"When we told him, he was surprised and then dismayed. After a while, we could all tell he was really shook up about it. He hadn't realized what he'd done. It wasn't so much that he'd run a red light, though he usually wouldn't do that. It was the fact that he didn't have any memory of considering whether to do it or not." She turned back to Steve.

"Sweetheart, you remember how you felt that day, right?"

Steve nodded. He rested the back of his head on the chair's backrest and blew out his breath. He could see where Barbara was headed. He needed to examine the analogy his wife had proposed. He had get things straight in his mind.

"There was no thought process that I was aware of," Steve said at length. "I do not remember…and I didn't back then when y'all started kidding me about it…I don't recall thinking about whether I should go through the red light or not." He paused.