Sabine

"I only want to watch you do it," she said softly.

"It would seem silly," I told her, "and besides, you wouldn't understand anything that way. It's something you sort of need to be part of." She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. I patted her hand. "Don't worry," I assured her, "I can do all the talking, you'd just have to be in it with me."

Sabine looked around as though trapped. As I watched her, I realized that she was feeling many of the same things that I was when she touched me. Unfamiliar, uncomfortable feelings. It was my turn to take the lead.

"So Sabine, I think you're feeling now the way I was feeling when you touched me," I told her, taking her hands. "It's ok. We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

A look of comprehension came over her face and she smiled. "I was just thinking the same thing," she said. "For some reason it is very scary," she added softly, "I don't know if I'm giving up a part of myself."

"Maybe God will help us understand," I said, winking at her.

"Ok. I want to know about your praying, so we must do this," she said, making up her mind.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"You were brave enough to kiss me. Fair is fair," she replied. She looked at me. "Go ahead," she commanded.

I looked around at the wine glasses and cigarettes. This seemed the wrong place for prayer.

"Ok," I told her, "but not here." I looked around. "There," I said, pointing to the living room.

We went into the living room and I adjusted the light so we had a good atmosphere. "Sit here, next to me," I said, and she complied. She was a bit tense, but was also fascinated.

"You are very different now, Kate," she told me.

"Really? How?" I asked.

"You are very—er, definite. In charge," she explained. I realized that she was right. Now I was in my element. I took her hands.

"Sabine, before we start, you have to promise me something," I said seriously.

"Yes," she nodded.

"You have to know that this is not a game for me. So even if you don't believe in anything that happens I need for you to respect it." I paused. "Oh, and it works better to pray out loud, so that's what I'm going to do. Ok?"

She nodded. "Ok. I am serious about wanting to know you better," she told me. "I don't know what I will think or believe, but I want to learn about you. This is no game."

I took her hands. "Close your eyes," I commanded. She did. Closing my eyes, I began.

"Ok, here goes." I waited in silence, gathering my thoughts. "Dear Heavenly Father, we come to you this evening as two confused, frightened souls," I began. I paused again, and as always, the words just came into my mind.

"We feel what is in our hearts, but we struggle to understand. We desire to be your servants but our path is hard to see. The complexities of life overwhelm us. We are blinded by our selfishness and earthly desires. We ask that you help us to find clarity. We ask that you show us the way, that we may walk your path..." Then I understood.

"...that we may walk your path together. We come to you now to seek your blessing and your guidance as we come together."

I heard a small gasp from Sabine. She tried to pull her hands away, but I held on tightly.

"We ask that you help us to understand, and in so doing help us to find peace and security where we are now frightened. We ask that you help us to understand our hearts and feelings so that we may honor each other and you."

"Kate," Sabine said softly, "that is very beautiful." She thought I was done, but I shook my head. She fell silent. I felt tears run down my face from my closed eyes.

"And, Dear Lord, I thank you for bringing this beautiful person into my life. Someone who has helped me understand what it is to love. Someone who has made my days brighter. For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

"This we pray in the name of you, our Father, and in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Redeemer. Amen."

I returned to silence, not daring to open my eyes. I gradually became aware that Sabine and I were gripping each others hands tightly. That broke the spell, and I smiled and opened my eyes.

Sabine was looking at me with a tender smile. Tears ran down her cheeks. "Oh Kate," she sighed, "no one has ever said such beautiful things to me."

I giggled and wiped my eyes. "I don't want to burst your bubble, darling, but I was talking to God—not to you," I reminded her.

"But you were..." her voice trailed off and she thought for a moment. "I think I can understand a little now, about your praying." I smiled and nodded. "Not much," she quipped, "but a little bit."

"How do you feel?" I asked. She considered for a moment.

"Good," she replied, seeming surprised at herself. "I feel—good. Yes." In spite of herself she beamed.

"See?" I said. "It works. I feel good too. I feel wonderful—well, except for one thing."

"What is that," she asked, suddenly concerned.

"I need to be in your arms again," I said.

She instantly enfolded me in her arms and began kissing me. We necked passionately for a long time. It was wonderful.

I fell asleep on her sofa. In her arms.

========================================

Over the next weeks we became a couple, and I dealt with accepting my feelings while navigating my first real relationship. Sabine was wonderfully patient. She sensed that I was still not ready for anything beyond hugging and kissing, but we both delighted in what we did. We felt at peace with being in each other's arms. Sabine got crazy with desire a few times, but the idea of having someone as innocent as me was obviously a huge turn-on for her, so she bided her time.

We continued in our comfortable mating ritual: occasional flirting at the office, dinner and walks around Vienna, and then talking, caressing and kissing until the wee hours of the morning. I stayed with her a few nights, but almost always went back home, mumbling my prayers for guidance and forgiveness as I walked through the darkened streets.

I introduced Sabine to Jan and Janneke, and we began to hang out with some of her other friends. We finally got around to calling each other at home—which hugely simplified our communication. We also let a few select people at the office—like Sabine's secretary—know what was going on.

I had the hardest time when we were in public. It seemed that we were constantly being looked at with various types of knowing smiles, disapproving frowns or sly curiosity. Sabine seemed not to notice the reactions of others, but I noticed and would blush whenever I felt others staring at us.

Of course this all meant that I saw much less of Jan and Janneke. They thought it was wonderful that I had found "a friend" as they artfully termed Sabine. I'm sure they would have been astonished to find out that our relationship was as innocent as it was, but they were obviously very accepting of what was happening—in fact, it seemed that Janneke was fascinated with our relationship.

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One day at the office, I got a call from Sabine's secretary asking me to come up to the office. When I got there, Sabine brought me in and plopped down in a chair, looking miserable.

"My darling, I hate to have to tell you this but I must go away again," she began.

"Oh no!" I cried. "Where? How long?"

"Much too long. I just learned that I must go to Helsinki for two weeks." She wrinkled her nose and began to chew her lip. "Fucking hell," she grumped, kicking the leg of her chair.

I groaned. Two weeks? It seemed like forever—much too long to be apart from her. I could barely make it through the nights alone.

"Why do you have to go for so long?" I asked. "Can't you send someone else?" She shook her head.

"No. This is an important conference—also about helping children. We will try to get governments to agree to laws against trafficking in girls," she explained. "It is my job, but it is also important work—and I want to do it. Even if it means that we must be apart." I nodded. I couldn't argue with that.

My mind, however, immediately began racing to see if I could figure out how to get to Helsinki. Sabine saw me thinking and answered my thoughts.

"Darling, I don't think it would work for you to try to come with me," she said with a sad smile. "I would love it of course, but—how shall I say this? Some of the people at the conference are from places that would not understand why you were not a man. And besides it would be very expensive to go to Finland."

I frowned. In my little Viennese cocoon I hadn't had to deal with the kind of social problems my sexual orientation could create. I began to see that my life was going to get complicated.

"Even phoning to Finland is hellish expensive," she continued. She stood up and took my face in her hands. "I will return as soon as I can. Believe me, this will kill me worse than you."

Then she thought a minute. "Oh God," she said, and got wide-eyed. "When do you leave for America?"

I had been making plans to return home for a week at Christmas. I had originally thought of two weeks, but my current plan was for six days. That seemed the maximum I could stand to be apart from Sabine, even to see my family.

We got a calendar and checked. She would be returning the day I would have to leave—we would be apart for almost an entire month. On the spot, I made a decision.

"I'm not going home," I told her. "I want to be here when you get back."

She laid her hand on my arm. "Dear Kate, you should be with your family for Christmas, no?" she said softly. "You would be here in Vienna far from them."

"But you would be here—wouldn't you?" I asked.

"Well, yes," she blushed. "If you wanted, we could spend our Christmas together," she added gently. It seemed so—intimate—to be making these plans.

"But you have family here," I reminded her.

"Yes. I will visit them." She suddenly brightened up. "And you could come with me. My family would love you. I know they would," she added excitedly. "And we could spend all our time together, my darling Kate." Somehow we were holding hands again.

"Then I will call my mom today and tell her," I said. "She's got a new boyfriend, so I don't think she'll mind too much." Sabine winked.

"And what will you give as the reason you are staying?" she asked.

I suddenly realized that divulging a budding love affair with a woman via long-distance phone call might be a bad plan.

"I think I'm going to tell her that I've met someone," I said. "I'll let her assume you're a 'he' until—er—until sometime later." I shook my head. At that moment, I realized just how complicated my life was going to get. Well, let it be complicated then. And I can only deal with one thing at a time, I told myself.

"Well, I am glad that I am a 'she' and that you are a 'she,'" Sabine told me firmly. She leaned forward, and kissed me. "Until dinnertime, my love," she said.

We had a quick dinner so she would have time to get ready for her trip. Helping her pack felt like officiating at my own execution, but we also had great fun. And knowing what she would be wearing made me feel like we would be closer while she was gone, too.

But all too soon, we knew that we had to part. She wanted to walk me home, but I told her to get to bed and rest for her trip. We were going to have to say goodbye sometime, and she might as well be comfortable. And I knew I would need some quality prayer time.

Sabine took me in her arms. I embraced her eagerly. I had changed so much over the past weeks—confusion was giving way to desire. We kissed deeply and for a long time. When we parted, we both were flushed. Again we went at it, and I felt a warm flood of arousal course through me. When we came up for air, we continued to nibble and suck on each other's lips.

She gently pushed me away.

"My love, either you must go now, or you must make love with me," Sabine said. I seriously considered undressing, but something still made me hesitate. She saw the look on my face and kissed me again.

"Shoo," she said playfully, "while you still have your virtue." I blushed as I realized that my "virtue" was unlikely to survive much longer in any case. I reached out and kissed her again.

She smiled, then turned serious.

Holding me close, she looked deeply into my eyes and said, "I love you, Kate. I have completely fallen in love with you." A few weeks earlier, those words had me in a cold sweat. Now, though...

"I love you, too, Sabine. I love you with all my heart. Please come back safely," I told her. We kissed one last time.

I prayed hard on my journey home.

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The first few days after Sabine left were rough. I felt so lonely and at loose ends that I could barely stand it—and I had no appetite at all. I worked as late as I could and then spent hours walking around the city. It was good to see everything, and to be in the crisp evening air.

I also went to the opera and theater on cheapo tickets. Not only was I broadening my horizons, but becoming part of the Viennese scene made me feel like I could understand Sabine better.

One evening I saw Mozart's "Cosi fan tutte." The comic plot was complicated and involved love affairs gone wrong, but in the end all of the lovers were reunited and sang about how life doled out good and bad in equal measure. The music was wonderful, and somehow the story made me feel that all would be well with the world.

I emerged from the beautiful opera house into the elegance of a Viennese evening. Light snow was falling. I had only seen snow a couple of times before, and watching the flakes dance in the breeze made my spirits soar.

I suddenly felt really hungry. I headed to the Italian place Sabine had taken me on one of our first dates and had the first real meal I'd had since she left. That really brightened things up.

Then, out of the blue, I missed smoking with Sabine.

I wandered around until I found a small shop and, for the first time in my life, bought a pack of cigarettes. I dared not smoke in the house, so I found a bench in the Stadtpark and had a cigarette, watching the snow and thinking that maybe Sabine was having a cigarette of her own somewhere in Helsinki. I went home and slept soundly.

I also spent more time with Janneke, helping her to clean and organize the house before the holidays. As we did the housework, we found time to talk about many things and found ourselves becoming very close.

One morning, Jan mentioned that he was going to be late at work. I offered to come home early to help Janneke with Julius. She seemed very grateful.

When I got in, she was sitting on the sofa with her shirt open, feeding her baby. We greeted each other and I sat and watched. We talked a bit, and I was really fascinated by seeing Julius nursing hungrily at her breast.

"Kate," Janneke said, "you are making me blush." I jumped, and realized that we hadn't said anything for quite some time—and that I had been staring at her breasts. I looked up, blushing.

She smiled. "He is hungry today," she continued, stroking Julius's wispy hair.

'I—I'm—ah, er, your baby is so beautiful," I stammered, my eyes returning her breasts.

My conscience cringed at the lie. Her baby was good-looking, but I was totally entranced by her breasts. They were so wonderfully full and rounded, with lovely nipples.

I was spellbound—enthralled—shit, who was I kidding? I was aroused. Turned on. I blushed again as I realized that I was becoming wet. I was having carnal feelings watching a woman nurse a child.

And worse, it was the wrong woman.

Julius finished feeding, and Janneke burped him. He exploded with one fantastic belch. It seemed to reverberate through the apartment. We giggled and Janneke cuddled hm. He was soon fast asleep.

"So much a man," she sighed. "Eat. Burp. Be satisfied. Then sleep."

"And what about the women?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"As always we women must look to ourselves," Janneke sighed. "This is how humans survive." She sensed my discomfort—and my desire. Her breathing became deeper. She smiled, but her face got more intense.

"Janneke," I said softly. Now I could sense her desire. All her questions about my relationship with Sabine now made sense. "How does it feel to touch a woman?" she had asked.

I felt my face flush. My eyes traveled from her breasts up to her face. Janneke's eyes locked on mine and she nodded.

"It is fine, Kate," she sighed, gesturing toward her breasts, and making no effort to cover herself. "I am a mother, but I am also a woman. And you are here," she paused and looked me in the eye. "Yes. You are here. There are times when one must just let go, I think."

I didn't know what to do, so I took her hand and kissed it.

"I am very happy now, Kate. I am happy that I can share this moment with you." She reached out and embraced me. I felt her breasts press against me.

"Janneke," I began, then stopped. What was there to say?

She released me, and I leaned back and looked at the baby. He was sleeping peacefully. "I love how you fed him from your breasts," I told her.

"I am his mother," Janneke replied simply. She moved, bringing her breasts closer to me. She cupped them, gently caressing herself. She closed her eyes and sighed. Her fingers moved to her nipples.

"I'm going to be terrible at that," I quipped. "Mine aren't big enough." Janneke frowned.

"You hide them," she scowled, gesturing at my chest. "Sweaters. Sweatshirts. Scarves. Has anyone ever seen your breasts, Kate?" she asked.

"Not really," I replied. "I don't like to show them," I told her. "I don't think they're very pretty. Besides, who would want to see them?"

"Would you believe that I would?" she asked. She sat there bare-chested, caressing herself. As I watched, her nipples became erect.

I removed my shirt. It seemed the right thing to do. My nipples had been hard for a long time, and Janneke stared them. I didn't shy away.

"Yeah," I told her, "I have small breasts and don't like to wear a bra, but my nipples need—er, coverage. So the great sweatshirt mystery is explained," I said with a smile.

She nodded, but now her eyes were locked on my breasts. Her nipples continued to stiffen. She reached out and began to caress my chest, my breasts.

Oh Jesus. There was an electric hum in my head and I felt light—as though I could float into the air. Maybe I didn't love Janneke, but I was doing pretty damn well in the lust department.

I felt a surge of energy arc through my genitals. I could tell that if I allowed her to get to my nipples we'd be off and running. It would be totally explosive.

Awesome. I was burning with desire, and was ready to be unfaithful to the person I loved. With another woman. Somehow, God—or my mother—or both—found a way to talk some sense into me.

I put my shirt back on.

"What does it feel like to be a wife?" I asked

"It is wonderful, but it can be a curse," Janneke whispered, reaching out and embracing me. "But it is more wonderful than anything you can imagine." Tears ran down her cheeks as we embraced.

I will serve you, Lord, for all my days.

========================================

Jan came home at last, to the great joy and relief of everyone. Janneke made sandwiches and some tea so that we could sit together. I lingered just a bit, then decided to leave them to themselves.

I needed some time to relax too.

I got ready for bed, worked up both physically and emotionally. As I got into my grey flannel pajamas and headed to brush my teeth, the phone rang. I heard a muffled conversation in German, then Janneke called out, "Kate! Someone has phoned for you."

I couldn't imagine who it could be. I took the receiver. Static crackled in my ear.

"Hallo. Are you surprised?" Sabine's beautiful voice bizzed through a bad connection.