Stepping Out in Faith Ch. 04

Andy looked up across the water glimmering with the setting sun. Look at all the people around, they'll see you holding hands. You're not fooling any of them, they'll know what a hypocrite you are, they'll know how weak you are, desiring something you have no right to have.

Andy stood up suddenly, the voice in his head drowning out all other thoughts.

"Andy?"

"Sorry, I..." Andy pace around in a circle, trying to shake the voice off. "I just..."

"Hey," Marcus stood in front of Andy, blocking his path. Marcus' hands came up and braced Andy by the shoulders. "Talk to me, what's going on?"

Andy looked into Marcus' eyes and saw concern and care, which only added to his guilt. He didn't deserve the patience that Marcus had with him.

"I don't know where to start."

A little crease developed on Marcus' brow, Andy itched to smooth it with his thumb, but restrained himself.

"Start wherever," Marcus said. "We'll get through it all."

Andy's throat constricted at the sweetness he heard in Marcus' voice. It wasn't fair, none of this was fair. Not fair to Marcus who deserved someone who could give himself freely. It wasn't fair to Andy who never wanted to have these feelings in the first place.

"Have you..." Andy wasn't even sure he wanted the answer. He wasn't sure he had a right to the answer. And yet, the question weighed on him. "...slept with a lot of men?"

Marcus sighed, his hands dropped from Andy's shoulder, "Yes."

"Do you know how many?" Andy could feel a flush spread across his cheeks at the question. He eyes dropped to the ground.

"Um..." Marcus stuffed his hands into his pockets and shifted from foot to foot. "Does it sound bad if I said no?"

Andy didn't respond. It did sound bad. See? He can have anyone he wants, why would he want you? Your life is a disaster, a priest having feelings he shouldn't be feeling. Why would he want to deal with all your problems?

Andy felt ice cubes forming in his stomach.

"Andy?" Marcus' hand came back up to Andy's shoulder. "Hey, listen. That was all before."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It's silly," Andy managed a wry smile, but didn't feel any better.

He stepped back, out of Marcus' reach and pace a circle around the bench. His stomach was in knots, his head felt like exploding, and he struggled just to breathe through the rising anxiety.

"Is that what's bothering you?" Marcus asked.

Andy sighed, shoulders slumped, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

"Why me?" Andy echoed a question Marcus had asked the first night they were together. "Why do you care about me? It's not like I have anything to offer you, so why... do you care?"

Marcus took a deep breath and stared off into the distance, gazing at the sunlight reflecting off the waves.

"You know what? I'm not really sure I know," Marcus chuckled. He paused, a frown marring his handsome features. "You're... beautiful."

Marcus turned to Andy, "Your... soul is beautiful. And you don't seem to see it, but it... radiates off you."

Andy felt his cheeks heat in a flush. He knew he wasn't beautiful, he was too messed up inside to be beautiful. But the look in Marcus' eyes as he spoke took Andy's breath away. And suddenly, just like that, the voice in Andy's head diminished, his stomach settled and Andy felt himself get caught up in the aura of peace that Marcus offered.

Andy swallowed, feeling the anxiety ease. His worries were still there, the little voice hadn't disappeared completely. But just the right word from Marcus made all those issues seem manageable. Just the right look from Marcus helped Andy put all those burdens aside and embrace peace.

"Can I ask you a question?" Marcus asked.

Andy nodded, finally able to offer a genuine smile.

Marcus sat back down on the bench, gazing up at Andy.

"Why did you go to the night club that first night?"

Andy frowned. "Um... well, you know why." He felt his face burn in embarrassment.

"Yeah, but I mean. Why that night? Why not in college like everyone else, when you're supposed to be experimenting?" Marcus clarified.

Now it was Andy's turn to shift awkwardly from foot to foot.

Andy shrugged, "I went to a small Catholic college in small town, USA. Everyone knows everyone and they kept pretty close tabs on all of us."

Andy scuffed his shoe against the ground, "There was a little fooling around, stolen kisses and hand-groping-stuff." Andy's face was bright red now.

"But nothing like... you know."

"And after college?" Marcus was smiling.

"I moved back to my hometown. I was assigned to the parish in my town, and then I literally knew every single person in town. There was no escape." Andy took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Until I got reassigned to New York, that is. I actually didn't want to come."

"No?"

"No, I knew there'd be too much temptation. Too many opportunities to indulge something I'd tried so hard to ignore my whole life."

Andy glanced up when Marcus didn't respond right away. Marcus was staring out into the distance. His jaw was set and a frown across his brow.

There was so much that was beautiful and precious between them, Andy couldn't deny that. And there was nothing Andy wanted more than to claim all of that for himself. But how long would this last? How long could Andy keep up this facade? How long before everything came falling down around him? Andy knew that sooner or later he'd have to make a choice—stay true to his faith and everything he knew to be right, or follow these forbidden feelings down an unknown path.

"Do you regret coming to New York?" Marcus asked in a whisper between clenched teeth.

Andy opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. No, he didn't regret coming because it was in New York that he met Marcus, discovered love, experienced peace. But yes, a part of him did regret coming, because if he had never met Marcus it wouldn't be so difficult to stay true to the Catholic Church.

"I don't regret meeting you," Andy whispered back.

Marcus turned to look at Andy and Andy could see pain in Marcus' eyes. It made his heart constrict; it just wasn't fair.

"We should go," Marcus said, standing abruptly. "We have a reservation at 8."

Andy followed more slowly, hesitant about whether dinner was a good idea at this point.

Marcus took one glance at Andy standing there uncertain and then rolled his eyes. "Come on, you have to eat. Besides, the restaurant is on the way home for you."

Marcus took off at a brisk pace, leaving Andy to catch up with him. They were silent as they made their way to the restaurant. It was a heavy silence, filled with words that hadn't been spoken between the two men. The impossibility of their position was clear to both of them; going backwards wasn't an option anymore, but neither of them knew the way forward.

Marcus had made a reservation at a cute little Italian restaurant, hidden away on a residential street. They were seated in a corner, squeezed in tightly so that their knees bumped against each other under the table. The lighting was dim, with flickering candles and a single red rose on every table. Under other circumstances, Andy would have considered this romantic. Under current circumstances, it felt slightly claustrophobic.

Marcus leaned in close over the table, the candlelight dancing across the planes of his handsome face.

"Look," Marcus sighed, putting a reassuring hand over Andy's. "I know we come from really different backgrounds. But let's just put all that aside for a few hours and enjoy dinner, okay?"

Andy looked down at where their hands touched. He desperately wanted to agree with Marcus, wanted to forget about everything that wouldn't work between them and just enjoy sharing a meal with this beautiful man. He could at least owe Marcus that much, just a simple meal without his problems bearing down on them.

Andy tired to smile at Marcus, but feared that he wasn't fooling either of them. When the waitress approached their table, Andy instinctively pulled his hand out from under Marcus' and folded it in his lap, rubbing the skin that Marcus had just been caressing.

The waitress gave them a sweet smile and rattled through the specials before leaving them to peruse the menu. "You boys take your time," she said before walking away, a twinkle in her eye.

Andy swallowed thickly and tried his best to ignore that little voice, rearing its ugly head. She thinks you're on a date; two men on a date, so sinful, you should be ashamed.

"I hope this place is good. It got good reviews on Yelp, but I've never been before, so I'm not liable if it's bad." Marcus joked, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Andy nodded silently and murmured something reassuring about the quality of the food. Andy did his best to concentrate on the meal, to focus on the conversation with Marcus. But he felt himself get distracted several times by the waitress who stopped by to check in on them, by the other diners that filled the restaurant. They're all staring at you, you know. They're judging you. They know what a dirty, sinful person you are.

By the time the meal was over and the waitress brought over the check, Andy was exhausted and desperate to get out of the suffocating restaurant. Marcus reached for the check just as Andy was pulling out his wallet.

"Don't worry about it," Marcus said. "I've got this."

"Marcus, no. Let's me pay."

"I invited you out, I should pay," Marcus argued.

"No, that's not necessary," said Andy. "At least let me pay my half."

Andy wasn't sure if Marcus would agree, if the scowl on his face was any indication. But when Marcus finally relented, Andy wondered why he felt so guilty. Suddenly he wanted to take back his offer to pay half, but the waitress was already taking their cards away.

Andy took a deep breath when they were finally out of the confined space and back on the sidewalk.

"You're not okay, are you?" Marcus asked. He didn't sound angry, he sounded sad. Andy almost wished Marcus was angry, it would have been easier to deal with than a sad Marcus. Andy hated the way Marcus' shoulders were slumped in defeat, as if unable to fight any longer.

"Marcus, I... I'm sorry."

Marcus was waiting for an explanation, but Andy didn't have one for him. Being with Marcus made Andy feel good, yes, that was true. But the minute he stepped away from Marcus, the minute he stepped back into the real world, things just got so much more complicated. Andy didn't know how to reconcile the truths that he had been taught to believe his entire life with this new... whatever it was, he had with Marcus. He didn't understand it, how could he expect Marcus to?

Andy felt a vice grip around his chest, and suddenly he felt like he was back in the suffocating restaurant. He didn't want to hurt Marcus, that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do. But Andy just didn't see a way around it, and it broke his heart.

"I should go," Andy said, barely louder than a whisper. He wasn't prepared for the look of pain in Marcus' dark eyes. It twisted the vice even tighter around his chest. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"I'll walk you home," Marcus offered.

"No-" Andy said just a little too quickly, hands coming up to keep Marcus back. He immediately regretted it. "I just need some time to think."

Marcus didn't move, but Andy saw the shutters fall over his smouldering eyes. Marcus' mouth narrowed into a thin line and Andy saw him withdraw into a protective shell. Andy hated it, but he didn't know how to undo it.

"Besides, it's in the opposite direction," Andy tried to justify himself. "You have to work tomorrow and I don't want you getting home too late."

It was lame, Andy knew, but Stephen was right. Marcus deserved more than this, and Andy couldn't give it to him. He just couldn't.

"Fine," Marcus said, voice even if slightly strained. "Good night."

*****

Andy ran his hands over the worn black leather of the thick tome sitting on his lap. The words in here were sacred and holy; they were prayers that he had prayed everyday of his life. During the past several months, though, Andy knew he had been praying them in a state of sin and with an unclean heart. The prayers were tainted by his inability to resist temptation; he had blasphemed the sanctity of the prayers.

The gravity of what he'd done weighed heavily on Andy's shoulders. He'd made a mockery of the priestly calling, he'd dishonored the most holy vow he made, and he'd betrayed the trust of the people he was serving. He really had no right to be praying from the tome when he still lived under the stain of sin.

Andy opened the Liturgy of the Hours randomly and flipped through the pages, reading snippets of the text as he went. Words of praise, confession, and petition jumped out at him, each one a tiny knife striking deep in his heart. For so much of his life, these words framed how he understood himself and his place in the world. All of it had been turned on its head in just a few short months with Marcus.

Andy flipped to that day's prayers and started reading. The words felt foreign, like they were someone else's words being stuffed into his mouth. He felt like he was going to choke on them and felt a wave of nausea rise from his stomach. Andy squeezed his eyes shut tightly, waiting for the feeling to pass. When his stomach settled, he opened his eyes again and gazed at the words on the page. The more he stared at them, the less they made sense.

In frustration, Andy closed the book and fell to his knees. He wanted to yell and scream, to release the heaviness the enveloped him. Instead, he struggled just to breathe. Look up. The little voice spoke in his head.

Andy looked up at the crucifix hanging on the wall where the Christ gazed back down on him. Andy's eyes lingered on the nails that were driven through the hands and the feet of the Son of God, he took in the crown of thorns on His head. Jesus Christ had a hard life, He faced temptations and overcame them, and He made sacrifices. You made a vow to do the same, but where are you now?

The words rang in Andy's ears. It's true, he did make a vow. No one ever said it was going to be easy, and he had never expected it to be easy. So what excuse did he have really to be looking for a way out now? There was no excuse.

Andy reached for the tome and opened it again to the day's prayers. His fingers hovered over the words, determined to get through the prayers. As he began to pray, Andy let the words sink into his heart, let the power of the words have their effect on his soul. By the time he was finished, he knew what he had to do. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was proper. He just wished he didn't feel so dead inside.

*****

It had been three days. Three days since Andy freaked out on him. Since then, they had exchanged a couple of texts, just simple hello's and how are you's and I'm fine's. They didn't talk about what was wrong, but Marcus had a pretty good idea. It was his own fault really, ignoring all the warnings from his mom and Stephen. Andy was deep in the closet, he was a fool to think he'd be the one to bring Andy out.

The more he thought about it, the more pissed off it made him. He was angry at Andy for being a coward, for refusing to be honest with himself and with the world. Marcus was angry at himself for falling for Andy when he knew it would end disastrously.

Was it really over? The thought sent a sharp stabbing pain through the middle of Marcus' chest. He couldn't breathe, it was so painful. No, he didn't want it to be over, every fiber of his being screamed against the idea that it was over. It couldn't be over.

"Marcus!"

Marcus turned at the sound of his name to find all the kids staring at him with puzzled and amused looks on their faces.

"What?"

"We called your name, like, a million times and you've just been staring out into space. And you broke your pencil," said Ryan.

Marcus glanced down at the broken pencil in his hand. He had forgotten he was even holding it.

"Oh, sorry," he shook his head to clear them of thoughts of Andy. He needed to focus on the kids now, not Andy, Andy would have to wait. "What did you need?"

"Um..." Nick started, looking uncertain. He shared a quick glance with the other kids before continuing. "Nothing, we just don't know what to do next."

He pointed to the long poster taped on the wall that he and the other kids had been working on. Marcus had been helping them design a banner to go on the Center's float for the gay pride parade.

"Oh right," Marcus pushed thoughts of Andy out of his head and tried his best to focus on the kids.

But try as he might, those big brown doe eyes kept creeping back in. All week, he had been distracted at work, making simple mistakes until a colleague had stopped him at lunch to ask if something was wrong. And now the kids were whispering among themselves. Marcus noticed the furtive glances and confused shrugs.

Marcus kept up a happy demeanour as much as he could and by the end of the evening, as the kids were cleaning up the art supplies, he was exhausted.

"Hey, Marcus," Nick came up as he slung a backpack over his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?" Nick asked with a frown. "You seem kinda off."

Marcus smiled, putting on a brave face. "Yeah, everything's fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Marcus ruffled Nick's hair before the teen could duck out of the way. "Sometimes life's shit and you've gotta deal with it."

"Does it have to do with that guy? Andy?"

Marcus' chest constricted at the mention of Andy's name. He swallowed thickly and tried to smile, but could tell that it came out strained.

"That's what I thought," Nick said.

"Look, Nick. These types of things can be complicated."

"Yeah, I get it," Nick shrugged. "I just thought you should know that he's been creeping out in the hallway for a while now."

"What?" Marcus spun around to face the door, but didn't see anyone.

"Yeah, he's still out there. I almost ran into him when I went to the bathroom. Asked him to come in but he said he'd rather wait out there."

Marcus didn't know what to say. Andy hadn't mentioned anything about coming to the youth night and given the lack of communication all week, Marcus had assumed he'd be a no show.

"So yeah, anyway, you're gonna be okay, right?"

"Yeah," Marcus smiled at the teen and pulled him into a quick hug. "Thanks for the heads up."

"Yeah, no problem. See you next week."

Marcus waited until all the kids had left and everything was cleaned up before venturing out into the hall. His heart was pounding, nerves on edge, unsure what kind of reception he'd get from Andy. Why had he come? Why was he waiting outside? Was he even there still?

Marcus was half hopeful and half terrified that Andy was still there. If Andy wanted to end whatever it was they had between them, Marcus knew he'd be in trouble. He had always known he was placing his heart on the line by pursuing this thing with Andy, but that didn't make it any easier.

Steeling himself, Marcus headed out and sure enough, Andy was there, leaning against the wall, just around the corner. Marcus stopped and stared. There really wasn't anything special about Andy's looks, he wasn't the hottest guy or the cutest guy that Marcus had been with. But there was just something about that thick mop of hair and the big brown eyes that stole Marcus' breath away.

He couldn't speak for a moment, just taking in the beauty that was Andy. He wanted to pull the man into his arms and never let go. He knew things would never be that simple, but why did it have to be so hard.

"I'm sorry for just showing up like this," Andy said, uncertainty tingeing his voice.