Stepping Out in Faith Ch. 04

"Why didn't you come in?"

Andy shrugged, "Um... I didn't think it was appropriate."

Marcus knew what he meant. He didn't want to interact with the kids in case they thought he was gay. The thought hurt, that Andy was still in denial about his sexuality. It touched that part of Marcus that was furious at all the homophobic garbage that Andy had been fed. All that religious bullshit that was ruining the life of the man he loved.

Yes, he loved Andy. He could admit that to himself. He loved this closeted priest who was confused and in pain. And there was nothing Marcus could do to ease his pain. Andy wouldn't let him. It was unfair and irrational and made Marcus angry as hell. Yes, he was angry and he tapped into that anger, letting it bubble to the surface. Anger was better than pain, safer than pain, hurt less than pain.

"So what are you doing here?" Marcus heard the hard edge in his words. He regretted them immediately after they left his mouth. The way Andy started at the words tore at Marcus' heart, but he told himself he was angry and he had a right to stay angry.

"Um, I... need to talk to you." Andy swallowed, drawing Marcus' attention to his thick neck and bobbing Adam's apple. Marcus hated how he noticed how sexy that neck was at a time like this.

"About what?"

"About, um..." Andy's voice trailed off.

Marcus frowned, he wasn't sure he liked where this was going. Andy looked restless, shifting from foot to foot, tension evident in his posture. Marcus could see a battle going in Andy's eyes, a struggle to resist the tangible draw they both felt whenever in close proximity. Marcus studied Andy's eyes and saw the battle being won by a longing, an inexplicable need, a restlessness that came from being away from the person you loved for too long. Marcus recognized it because it was the same look that greeted him every time he looked in the mirror.

Andy let out a ragged sigh, and Marcus felt the sound tear through his own body, exposing the same need he saw in Andy's eyes. Marcus took two steps to close the distance between them and raised a hand to lift Andy's eyes to his own. There was love there, he could see it. He hoped Andy could see the love in his own eyes.

If they loved each other, they could make things work, right? They had to make it work. Love didn't come around everyday, they had to cherish it when they found it.

Marcus leaned in for a gentle kiss, just a lingering brush of lips. The simple touch broke the tension between them and with a sob Andy pressed himself closer to Marcus, lips meeting in a more intentional kiss.

Marcus growled low in his chest. Yes, this was what he missed, the feeling of Andy in his arms, lips underneath his own, tongues rubbing seductively against each other. Marcus breathed deep the woodsy scent of Andy, letting it fill his senses and imprint on his consciousness. He felt whole; Andy filled that empty space inside of him that he had always been trying to fill.

This was the one, the man Marcus wanted to build a life with, to share the joys and the struggles. This was the man that he wanted to grow old and wrinkled with. In that moment, holding Andy in his arms, he knew.

Marcus wasn't quite sure how they made it back to his apartment. No words were exchanged, just fast walking, hand in hand, both eager to consummate the feeling that was overwhelming them both.

Marcus slowly unbuttoned Andy's shirt, kissing and licking every inch of exposed skin, savoring the taste of Andy, freshly showered and smelling like a mountain forest. Marcus lapped at an exposed nipple, causing Andy to gasp and grasp at Marcus' head. Marcus worshipped that nipple, teasing it with his teeth, soothing it with his tongue until Andy was shaking with need.

"Please, Marcus," came Andy's whispered plea.

But Marcus was in no hurry tonight. He wanted to enjoy this slow love making with Andy, to remember every moment of it, let it seep into every pore of his body. He moved to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment, drawing swirling patterns over the sensitive skin.

Andy began tugging at Marcus' t-shirt, pulling it up his back. Obliging, Marcus stood up straight to lift the shirt off his body, then kneeled in front of Andy and went to work on his pants. As Andy's pants and briefs pooled around his ankles, Marcus sat back on his heels to admire the beautiful view. Andy's cock was standing up proud, a pearly bead of pre-cum forming at the tip.

The sight caused Marcus' own cock to thicken in his jeans, but he ignored it to focus his attention on Andy. Marcus leaned forward and licked the bead of pre-cum off and groaned as Andy's flavor exploded on his tongue. Marcus licked Andy's cock from the base to the tip before taking the bulging head into his mouth, bathing it with his tongue.

Andy was the perfect length, the perfect thickness, he sat right in Marcus' mouth, just large enough to feel full but not too much to be suffocated. Marcus was sure he could suck on that cock for the rest of his life and never want to take it out of his mouth.

Slowly, he inched his way down Andy's cock, using his tongue to lick and lap at the vein-y underside. He groaned when the head of Andy's cock hit the back of his throat. The vibrations made Andy jump and Marcus used the opportunity to swallow and slip Andy's length into his throat.

"Ahh..." Andy was coming apart above him, fingers buried in Marcus' hair, knees shaking with the effort to remain standing.

Marcus bobbed up and down, lapping up more pre-cum on every upstroke and relishing the feeling of Andy slipping into his throat on every downstroke. He could stay that way forever, filling his senses with Andy's essence.

"Marcus, please. You're going to make me cum." Andy tugged at Marcus' hair to get him off his cock.

Normally, this would only encourage Marcus to suck harder, eager to drink Andy's seed. But tonight they needed something different. Marcus pulled off and pushed Andy gently onto the bed. Shucking Andy's pants from around his ankles, Marcus pushed Andy's legs up and dove into that precious pink entrance to Andy's body.

Marcus groaned at the taste of Andy, his tongue lapping and probing at the delicate skin of Andy's asshole. Andy was a drug and Marcus' head was spinning from the most enthralling high. He probed with his tongue, seeking entrance into Andy's body, groaning again when Andy's hole relaxed to let him in.

"Marcus, please. I can't wait any longer," Andy tugged at Marcus, dragging him up for a sloppy wet kiss. "Please, I need you inside me."

"Anything for you, doe eyes." Marcus slid off the bed to throw off his clothes and grab a condom, all the while taking in the sight of Andy laying there, waiting for him with heavy lidded eyes.

This was it, the man he'd been waiting for his whole life. The thought flitted through Marcus' head, and overwhelmed him with its truth. He had no idea whether they would be able to work out their differences, but Marcus knew that he loved Andy with all his being and that he would never be able to feel that way about anyone else for the rest of his days.

Marcus settled himself between Andy's thighs and felt Andy's arms and legs wrap around him. He looked down into Andy's eyes, those beautiful brown eyes that revealed the depths of his soul. Marcus could read in there the intensity of emotion that he felt running through his own veins.

Andy leaned up and captured Marcus' lips with his own. Marcus let himself be captured, pressing Andy into the bed until not one molecule of air could get in between them. Andy shifted underneath him so that Marcus' cock slipped between his ass cheeks. Marcus bucked in response, feeling the head of his cock rub against Andy's hole.

Andy whimpered into their kiss, his hands reaching down to grab Marcus' ass. That was all the encouragement Marcus needed. He reached down with his hand to guide his cock into Andy's body. It met with some resistance at first, but with a little prodding, he felt Andy's body give way.

Oh god, he loved Andy's body. He was so hot and tight and when his sphincter closed around the head of Marcus' cock, Marcus always had to pause and breathe for fear of blowing his load right away. When he felt the urge fade, Marcus worked his way in, short little strokes until he was buried as deep as he could go inside Andy's body.

"Oh god, doe eyes," Marcus buried his face into the crook of Andy's neck, inhaling the clean scent that was uniquely Andy, holding himself deep inside the man he loved. He was losing himself inside Andy, in more ways than one, and there seemed to be no way to stop it. He was completely at the mercy of this man, vulnerable to whatever Andy decided about the future. And as much as Marcus knew it wasn't the prudent thing to do, he hoped against all hope that Andy would choose him.

"Marcus," Andy's voice drifted through the air, laced with the same need and desperation that Marcus felt.

Marcus started moving slowly, pulling out until the head of his cock bumped against Andy's inner sphincter. Then he reversed directions and pushed himself in at an excruciatingly slow pace. Marcus felt Andy sigh into the slow love making, tilting his hips to give Marcus a better angle.

Andy's lips found Marcus' and their tongues danced an equally slow dance, neither man wanting to rush the tender memory they were creating. Marcus trailed kisses down Andy's neck and along his collarbone, nipping and licking at the delicate skin. He reveled in the heat that simmered between them, building slowly but steadily until they were both covered in a sheen of sweat.

On the next in stroke, Andy bucked his hips and Marcus hit his prostrate. A shudder ran through Andy's body as he clamped down on Marcus' cock. It caused Marcus to grunt and bite gently at the skin against his lips. Andy's fingers found their way into Marcus' hair and pulled him back up for a deep soul rending kiss.

"Oh, Andy," Marcus whispered against his lips when they finally broke off to breathe.

"Marcus," Andy whispered back, with just as much reverence.

Marcus looked down at the man he loved, his face blurry from being too close, but beautiful just the same. Unable to resist much longer, Marcus picked up his speed, pulling out almost all the way and letting himself sink into Andy's heat. Andy matched his speed, tilting up to meet him half way.

The simmer built, the heat increased until it threatened to consume them both. Neither minded, rather surrendering themselves to that intangible thing between them, that thing that touched both of their souls and had changed both men forever.

Faster and faster Marcus moved, building the fire burning between them. He reached one hand between their bodies to grasp Andy's cock. It was hard and weeping, wet with pre-cum and their shared sweat.

"Oh, Marcus," Andy gasped. "I'm so close."

"So am I, Doe eyes, so am I. Come with me."

Marcus pumped his hand in time with his hips, speeding up as he felt Andy tense underneath him. His own orgasm was right there, threatening to explode as they both rushed toward the end.

"Marcus," Andy whispered one last time as he bucked and shot stream after stream of cum between their bodies. The clenching of his ass around Marcus' cock triggered his own orgasm as he plunged himself deep inside the man he loved and filled the condom with a never ending stream of cum.

Marcus collapsed on top of Andy, too spent to roll off. Andy didn't seem to mind though, from the way his arms wrapped tightly around Marcus' body.

"I'm sorry," Andy whispered, still holding Marcus close.

As he came around, Marcus rolled himself off of Andy and tossed the condom before scooping the other man back into his arms.

Marcus sighed before answering, "It's okay."

"No, it's not okay," Andy's voice was small and quiet as he leaned his head on Marcus' shoulder.

"Why isn't it okay?"

"Because... Because I can't give you what you want, what you deserve."

Marcus frowned, not liking the direction of the conversation, especially after the lovemaking they had just shared.

"And how do you know what I want, or what I deserve for that matter?"

"I have a pretty good idea. And I can't give you that. I can't be the man you need me to be." Andy pushed himself up to sitting, still touching Marcus but not looking him in the eye.

"I'm a priest. It's my calling. It comes before everything else. I know there's something between us, I can't deny that. But my priesthood is more important and sacrifices are a necessary, even expected, part of that calling."

"That's bullshit," Marcus sat up, preoccupied with his rage against the Catholic Church that he didn't notice Andy recoil.

"There's something seriously fucked up about a religion that forces you to lie about who you are. Isn't God's creation perfect? Well, God created you, which means you're perfect just the way you are."

"God's creation was perfect. It's been corrupted by the evil one. We all have been corrupted by the evil one." Andy's response sounded rout as he shrank away from an angry Marcus.

"So what? You're supposed to spend the rest of your life flogging yourself, hoping that you can beat the gay out of yourself?"

"You don't understand."

"Damn right, I don't understand." Marcus scooted closer to Andy, using a finger on the chin to raise Andy's eyes to his own. "What we did just now. That wasn't just sex, it wasn't just some physical release. I know you felt it, I felt it, too. That was... Special... It's... Love." Marcus' voice trailed off as he opened himself to the ultimate rejection.

He watched Andy's eyes as the other man struggled through the myriad emotions rushing through his system. Marcus saw the joy that lit Andy's eyes at his confession of love, then fear and panic and, finally,2 confusion.

"Come on, Andy. Don't tell me you can deny it. I know you felt it."

Marcus wanted to smooth out the frown creasing Andy's brow and roll back time a few minutes so they could stay in that post-coital bliss forever. But instead, he felt a rising panic in his chest as he realized that Andy was not choosing him.

"No, Andy, please." Marcus grabbed Andy's face and pressed their foreheads together. He wasn't ready to let Andy go, couldn't just let Andy walk out of his life. Andy sniffled and as Marcus raised his head, he realized that tears were rolling down Andy's face.

"Doe eyes, don't cry," Marcus pulled Andy close, cradling Andy's head against his shoulder and held him. Marcus tried to memorize every detail of the moment, the heat of Andy's body, the smoothness of his skin, the way they always seemed to fit together.

"You're not wrong," Andy's voice was little more than a whisper.

Marcus couldn't help how his body tensed at Andy's admission, waiting for the "but."

"I never thought I could feel this way about someone. Never thought I could lose my heart and soul to someone else." Andy pulled back from Marcus' embrace and looked up at Marcus with swollen red eyes. "But this peace I feel when I'm with you? I'm supposed to find that in God."

Marcus rolled his eyes, a retort at the tip of his tongue. But Andy stopped him with a finger pressed to Marcus' lips.

"I know you don't understand. Maybe it doesn't make sense with the logic of this world. But it's a theological truth and I have an obligation to at least give it a decent shot."

"Isn't that what you've been trying to do for the past 10 years?" The thread of resentment that laced Marcus' words wasn't lost on Andy as he set his jaw against the tone.

"There's no expiry date on the faith journey. Yeah, maybe I've been trying to find it for 10 years, even if it takes me 10 more, it doesn't mean I should just give up."

"But you have found it, you said so yourself. Just because it's not in the church, it's not valid?"

Andy shook his head in denial. "It's not the same thing."

"Bullshit, it's not the same thing. This whole thing is bullshit, and I think you know it, too. You're just too chicken shit to admit it." Marcus realized his mistake the second the words came out of his mouth.

But it was too late, Andy was already scrambling off the bed and grabbing his clothes from the floor.

"Wait, Andy. I'm sorry. That's not what I meant. Please just stay, we'll work it out." Marcus followed Andy off the bed, trying to keep the other man from leaving.

"No, Marcus. You've made it quite clear what you think about my faith. You don't understand that this is a part of who I am. I can't separate myself from my faith, I don't exist outside of my faith. If you really love me like you claim, then you'd love this part of me, too."

"Come on Andy, don't do this. Don't just walk away from this."

Andy paused with his hand on the doorknob. Marcus could see the man he loved debating with himself, the struggle written directly on his face.

"Please, Andy," Marcus begged, the tightness in his chest threatening to choke him.

Andy took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as his shoulders slumped. Marcus let himself hope for a split second that perhaps he had won, that he had convinced Andy to give them a chance. But as Andy tightened his grip on the doorknob, Marcus knew that his glimmer of hope was ill founded.

"I'm sorry," Andy whispered.

Marcus felt his heart physically break in half as Andy opened the door and walked out. He should have run out after Andy, he should have grabbed the man he loved and never let him go. Instead, Marcus sank onto the bed where they had just made love moments ago, the sheets still warm from their entwined bodies.

Marcus had never been a crier, never been very expressive of his emotions. But he couldn't stop the single tear that rolled down his cheek.