Still You Want Me Ch. 10

"Yeah, you're right."

He silently unbuckles and walks into the house. It's hard not to sit here and over analyze what's happened or what's potentially happening. I waited so long for him to be mine and now I feel him slipping away.

I respect Colin more than anyone else. He has integrity, he's respectful, funny, kind, and humble...just to name a few. I wouldn't ask him to change anything, but I don't want to live separate lives, either. I never imagined my family background and money would be a catastrophic issue to the most important relationship I've ever had.

Surely, Colin understands he can't totally escape the thing he hates. He's admitted he can't! Where's the happy medium?

We both get ready for bed in silence, other than only a handful of words spoken. I crawl into bed and need to desperately break the awkward silence and close the distance, physically and emotionally, between us so I ask.

"Did you say you had plans for tomorrow?"

He fluffs his pillow and takes a minute to get comfortable.

"I found roof racks for the Outback and I'm supposed to meet the guy around twelve thirty in the afternoon. Then, dinner with my parents. I really need to talk to them about tonight. They understand me and I need their encouragement."

Ouch! I take a deep breath. I know he's upset and probably doesn't mean anything by it, but regardless of the sting, I'm feeling beaten by his comment and I respond with a timid voice.

"I understand you, too, you know. You're not exactly a stranger to me."

"I know you try, but I don't know that you actually understand. My parents really get me in a way you don't, at least, not yet."

I don't know what to say so I offer a neutral answer.

"Maybe."

Maybe my ass! I know Colin very well. I know him enough to know I'm not going to argue about it. He can pout all he wants, but he can't tell me I don't get him.

"Am I going with you to your parents?"

"Of course."

He moves closer, not snuggling against me as usual, but closing the distance anyway.

"Okay, good. I'd like that. I want to be a part of the conversation with your parents and I want to know you better so I'll be able to support you better."

I curl myself against his side and move his face so he's looking at me.

"I love you. I really mean it."

I kiss him. It's not passionate or explosive, but enough to convey my love. I know he hasn't said it back to me, yet, and I'd like to say I'm okay with it, but it hurts. I know he and Jesse dated for a couple of months before they said it to each other, but Colin told me how much he loved Jesse after six weeks.

It's hard not to compare. I'm always comparing and failing to live up to Jesse's level. Plus the fact that Colin apparently hates my life. I can't change who I am or how I grew up any more than he can.

************

I wake up earlier than normal, probably due to the stress of last night weighing too heavily on my mind, and lie here as I stare at Colin's sleeping figure. I haven't looked at the time, but the sky is still dark. The moonlight is giving off only enough light for me to see his silhouette, but my memory fills in the blanks.

He's sleeping on his stomach with one knee pulled up, his pillow is pushed out of the way, and the sheets are, once again, bunched at his hips. This is a typical sleep position of Colin's that I've become very familiar with.

The soft glow of the moon bounces off of his skin and is highlighting all of his curves and dips.

I prop myself up and run my finger down his spine to the cleft of his perfect butt. I know, for a fact, he went to bed wearing underwear, but he must've lost them during the night. I can't help myself as I run my open hand over his mounds and I feel something deep within me shudder.

He doesn't see how perfect he is. My body responds to the flesh beneath my fingers and I try to put the thoughts away because they're not what I want to focus on. I only want to savor this perfect moment.

The calm before the storm.

I continue to tour his body with my hand. My fingers feel the smooth and soft surface of the man I love so deeply.

Again, I return my focus to his waist and butt, to the dimples between, and the perfect cleft that breaks and leads to his sweet rosebud. I pepper his body with soft kisses because I need to taste and touch all of him.

I'm lost in the moment of silently worshiping his body when I feel small movements followed by a barely audible moan. I know this moan—it's Colin's arousal. I smile.

I once again try to cast my inappropriate thoughts to the side, but my body's not listening anymore, it's waited long enough. His noises are calling me home.

My hand continues to trace the crack of his ass, but never breaking deeper than the soft, supple, outer mounds. I reach for the lube with my other hand and warm a small amount on my fingers.

His body's shifting under my fingers, which silently encourages me.

His body pushes back against me as I slip my finger deeper between his butt cheeks, until I reach his entrance and then I push through, to give his unconscious mind what it's begging for. I take my time as I slowly work him until I'm three fingers deep inside of Colin's perfect, tight ass.

I hear him mumbling words, but nothing he's saying is coherent. I don't think he's awake. His body's awake to my touch, but his mind assumes he's in a dream state and he refuses to wake up from this fantasy.

I warm more lube and generously apply it to both of us before I hover over his body, gently lift his hips, and place his discarded pillow underneath him. I gently spread his cheeks and slowly slide myself inside of him until I'm completely seated. I can hear Colin let out a long, deep groan as his body trembles under my invasion. I whisper in his ear.

"Good morning."

He moans with approval.

"Mm-hmm."

While I keep our bodies flush, to keep myself deep inside of him, I start moving and continue whispering into his ear.

"I love you."

I lick his ear.

"God, you're perfect."

I'm so turned on, I start grinding harder as his moans increase. Colin grips the sheets as he tries to grind his erection into the bed. His mumbles are soft, yet deep from sleep, and demanding from need, but coherent enough for me to hear and understand.

"Oh, god. I need friction. It feels so good. Harder. Please, Charlie, deeper."

I pick up my pace and forcefully pound him deeper into the mattress. He changes the angle of my penetration by arching his ass up higher.

"Harder. I'm so close. I need more!"

He pushes his ass against me as I hook my arms under his armpits, to brace his shoulders, and press my head against the base of his neck. I continue to pound as sweat starts to gather between us and I can feel his ass muscles constricting around my hard cock which tells me he's getting closer.

My body's humming and I can feel my orgasm starting in my toes. I reach under Colin, grab his aching hard-on, and it only takes a few tugs before he starts releasing cum onto the sheets. His asshole tightly grips my cock and I manage a few more thrusts before his screams of pleasure send me over the edge and I follow him into the endless valley of pleasure. I gently lie on him and I can feel his body pulsing underneath mine as he mumbles.

He sounds half asleep, but I'm sure his body's returning to a sated state of relaxation.

"It's so rare that the reality is better than the dream."

I lie beside him, kiss his shoulders and neck, and enjoy the closeness, but I'm needing more. I gently nudge him to roll over and he groans in protest. I doubt he wants to move from his perfect state of bliss. I know I don't.

There's an intimacy I love when we have sex like this. I can't see his face, but our bodies are connecting at every point and I love it, but I need to see him. I need to see his eyes and know he's okay and that we're okay so I softy tease him.

"I know. I'm sorry for waking you up, baby."

He turns onto his side to face me.

"Yeah, you're a real meanie."

He slowly opens his eyes and looks at me. It's my first look of the day at those beautiful hazel eyes I love so much. I love his morning eyes, full of sleep and innocence.

I lean forward to take his lips and feel them part for me before our tongues dance together in unison. We stay like this for a while to enjoy the closeness of each other.

I'm feeling very needy and I don't like it. I need sex, I need his eyes, I need his kisses, I need his presence, and most of all...I need him! But I don't feel I can tell him any of this because I don't understand why I'm having these sudden and overwhelming feelings.

Actually, I do. It's fear. The fear of everything we have is going to disappear.

Much to my objection we pull apart.

"How are you feeling this morning, Colin?"

I touch my nose to his and watch my question stir in his mind.

"Better, I guess. I'm not nearly as pessimistic as last night."

He kisses my neck and settles close to my body.

"Good."

I gently rub my hand up and down his back as his breathing steadies. The sun's barely starting to come up. It's still early so we fall back asleep wrapped around each other.

* * COLIN * *

"It was in terrible shape and I'm really bummed! I want to hit the mountain, soon, but I need a roof rack for my car because I don't want to ruin my seats with snow melt."

I was supposed to get a roof rack from a Craigslist ad. It wasn't as advertised and several brackets were broken.

Dad empathizes.

"That's frustrating. Hopefully something else will pop up, soon."

Mom suggests.

"Why not buy it new?"

"No."

"You're so weird about this stuff. We can never buy you anything. I don't understand your strong feelings about this and it's rather annoying."

"Speaking of things you have strong feelings about...how are you feeling after dinner last night?"

I knew Dad would eventually bring that up. Charlie gives my parents a look that tells them, not good.

"Dad, that's a stupid question. Obviously, I wasn't happy."

"Oh, stop. You know what I mean."

He rolls his eyes and leans his back toward mom. Charlie relays very matter-of-factly.

"It didn't go well. He was angry at my dad and rightfully so. Then the rest of the evening was spent trying to convince him our relationship isn't doomed to crash and burn, it really dampened our evening significantly."

"Whatever. You didn't exactly step in and ward off your dad. In fact, you seemed happy with everything your dad was saying."

Oh great, we're going to fight in front of my parents. Fuck! Pulling up his knees and curling up on the couch, Charlie says.

"No. I already told you I'm used to the way my dad is. Last night's conversation was his habit. I already apologized and promised I'd say something next time."

The tension between us is thick. At least, it feels that way to me. All of the frustration from last night is creeping back in. Seeing what's about to happen, dad quickly jumps in.

"Whoa, boys. Stan, you need to stop...right now! Don't let this come between you two. This is a learning curve in your relationship and it won't be the last time you're both in a similar situation."

Isn't that the whole point? This is exactly what I'm afraid of.

"You need to talk and communicate through this. I know enough about both of you to know this is going to be a big deal, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. It'll all depend on how you handle this. Charles is right, though, that's how Mike works. There's nothing Charles could've done."

"I know, but that's part of the problem and that's why I'm so frustrated! If Charlie wasn't a Gabett, then his parents would've been more interested in me as a person and not me as a Clarke. This is exactly the thing I never wanted! This was never supposed to be an issue for me. I know I'll probably eventually have to do it for the business, but not in my personal relationship. That's supposed to be my safe place."

Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! The truth doesn't always set you free. The look on Charlie's face is total devastation and I'm instantly filled with regret. I apologize.

"Oh, God. I'm sorry! I didn't mean it. It came out wrong."

Charlie's sitting silently on the couch. He's turned away from me and is staring out of the window and looking at anything—as long as it's not me. His eyes are blank as he blocks out all his emotion.

The look on my parents' faces isn't much better.

Oh, boy! You've gone and fucked shit up.

This is not the boy I raised. Shame on you! Fix this, now!

"I think this is a good time to let you two talk."

My parents are anxious to leave and start to get up, but Charlie motions for them to sit as he gets up.

"No. You two stay, please. I'll leave you three to talk, there's not much conversation for me, here."

He looks at me for a moment. There's no light in those hollow, blue eyes. I say.

"No, you should stay."

"No, it's okay. I shouldn't have come and we both know it. I'm going to sit outside for a while and let you guys have some time together."

Before I can protest, he disappears downstairs. I'm sitting with my parents, in silence. I can feel their stares penetrating my very soul. I don't dare look at them, but I finally break the silence. I don't know where I intend the conversation to go, but I know I need the silence to end before it kills me.

"I know. I shouldn't have spoken so hastily."

Duh.

I finally look at my parents and I was right—they're both staring at me. I know mom won't say anything because she's too angry, but my dad, on the other hand, looks annoyed so I know he will.

"Don't hold back now, son. Tell us how you really feel! What on God's green earth compelled you to speak like that?"

I slap my palm against my forehead and look up.

"I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have said it or maybe I should've said it differently, but it's how I feel. I was so angry at dinner. As I said, this is everything I never wanted, especially not when meeting my boyfriend's parents for the first time or ever."

My dad says.

"I understand you and I understand why dinner was difficult for you. You handled yourself great, by the way! You were kind, yet firm. You have the ability to shut down those conversations on your own. You didn't need my help last night and you didn't need Charles' help, either."

He moves away from mom and sits next to me.

"Why are you angry with Charles?"

Because!

"He likes that kind of thing. He likes the wheeling and dealing, the schmoozing, the rubbing of elbows, the social jungle gym—all of it! And he didn't defend me last night, he just let his dad do whatever he wanted."

"Charles does all of this stuff to you? He forces you to participate? Okay, I understand now. That would be hard."

Dad's blue eyes are full of sympathy and compassion.

"No. He doesn't exactly involve me in it, but it'll always be a part of my life as long as he's a part of my life."

He doesn't reply right away, but studies me in the terrifying way only parents can. His eyes are holding a thousand apologies.

"I don't know, Colin. I think you're way off point, which is strange because normally, you're very intentional, thoughtful, and thorough about everything you do. I get jealous, sometimes. You have a gift! But you're a stinking idiot when it comes to Charles."

He squeezes my shoulder to comfort and brace me.

"You're angry with Charles because he didn't defend you? Against what?! You didn't need help. Mike is who he is. Actually, he was very easy last night. That might not seem like good news, but it's true! He'll always talk business. That's who he is. Charles has never done that, at least, not in this house."

He moves his face toward me to let me know his next words are important and I need to listen closely.

"Charles is not his dad. I know how disappointing dinner was for you, but it wasn't Charles' fault. You get to choose who you're in a relationship with, you get to choose who you love, but you don't get to choose the family that comes with that person. Charles was raised the way he was raised and you were raised the way you were raised. He's been respectful of you, he hasn't pressured you, and he hasn't forced you to do anything you don't want to do. If anything, he's been bending in your direction. He's changed, a lot, since he's known you."

Mom stands up and interrupts dad before storming downstairs.

"And, yet, you're the one who's being a self-centered, hypocritical ass!"

Dad shrugs and says.

"She's not wrong."

* * CHARLES * *

"February is cold so I brought you a blanket."

Angie sits next to me on the deck swing that overlooks Portland. It's beautiful bug freezing cold, but I couldn't go back in so I'm suffering in silence. I smile, but I don't look away from the view. I don't know if I can look at her because I'm so embarrassed.

"Thank you. It is pretty cold out."

"My son's a real piece of work, isn't he?"

I wave her off.

"No, he's great. It's not that big of a deal."

Nope. No big deal. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Yeah, right!

"You don't have to defend him. I was there and he was a real prick!"

She covers us with the blanket and puts her hand on my leg in a motherly and supportive way.

"I'm not, I don't think. I understand what he's saying and I know there's a big issue here...for him anyway. I can't change who I am so I think we're at an impasse."

It's no big deal, we're at an impasse is all. So what if we breakup? Spff.

"You know, my Stan doesn't think clearly around you. Love has his brain firing on all of the wrong cylinders."

"I don't know."

I pause, not sure how to continue.

"He doesn't love me so that might be part of the problem."

Silence weighs heavy over us. There's so much to look at, which is great because I have so little to say. Angie's sigh cuts through the air.

"Do you really believe that?"

"I didn't, but now? Yeah, I think I do."

Maybe it's always been my hopeful side reading into things that weren't there. She frowns.

"Well, that's too bad. Do you think you can give him anymore time?"

"Yes? No? I don't know. I want to give him all of the time in the world, but I also don't deserve to feel this way. He has some illusion that I don't respect him, but he's the one that doesn't respect me."

I lean my head back and give the swing a little momentum by pushing off from the ground.

"That's not true! I do respect you!"

Angie and I turn to see Colin standing at the French doors. I quickly return my gaze to the city skyline because I still can't look at him.

"I'm going to see what your dad's doing. I imagine he needs me...for something."

I use my foot to stop the swing so she can get up and Angie gives my knee a gentle pat before she disappears into the house.

"Can I sit?"

I shrug indifferently to the question, wave my hand to indicate it's available, and I keep my eyes on the river that divides Portland in half as Colin sits down and covers himself with the heavy blanket.

"It's freezing out here!"

I can see movement under the blanket as he warms his hands and he cautiously smiles.

"You've been out here for a while, do you want me to warm you up?"

I snap.

"Don't! Just say what you came to say!"

I want to get this over with. Between last night and today, Colin has made his intentions crystal clear. He leans his head back with frustration.

"God, you're right. Mom's right, too. I'm a fucking hypocrite!"

I don't bother denying it because I'm not in the mood to stroke his ego.