Still You Want Me Ch. 10

"How deep did I dig myself?"

"I don't think I can answer that question, Colin. You dug your own metaphorical hole, you're the one standing in it, and you're the one who can't seem to get out. It's your hole so it's your problem."

"Fair enough."

He rearranges himself under the blanket and, after finding a comfortable spot, turns his head and looks at me.

"How mad are you?"

Still looking out over Portland, I answer.

"I don't know. I'm not mad, but I'm not going to relive this conversation, situation, issue, or whatever you want to call it, over and over. I love you and completely respect you for who you are. I have never asked you to be anything other than you, but none of that has been reciprocated."

"That's not true. I respect you."

I shout.

"No, you don't! You only respect me when I'm doing things the way you want! You respect who you want me to be, not who I actually am! Every time the rich, trust fund, business heir, socially elite part of me comes out, you—"

I stop talking because I can't say it so I stare into nothing. I don't know how long the silence has been stretching out for before I whisper.

"You reject me. Every time."

I feel my heart break as I say it out loud. It makes it real and solidified. It's the truth. I lift the blanket off of my lap and get up.

"I think I'm going to leave."

As fear fills his hazel eyes, he yells.

"What are you doing? You're not going to walk out? We're going to figure this out, together!"

"Colin! There is no us figuring anything out. We both know what I want and where I stand. You're the one in a hole that you dug in your mind."

I dig my finger into my temple, hoping to drive my point home, then I start toward the stairs, leaving him outside.

"Charlie, stop! Fuck!"

Now that we're in the house, he's not shouting. I don't think he wants his parents to hear. I walk through the living room and spot them sitting on the couch together. The looks on their faces makes it obvious they've either been listening to us or talking about us...or both.

"Thank you both for a lovely evening. I'm going to take off. I'll see you both, soon."

Hopefully not too soon after this disaster. I give both of them a hug and walk toward the door, but Colin grabs my elbow before I have a chance to open it and quietly yells, with a demanding tone, into my ear.

"Charlie!"

I pull away and open the door to leave as he shouts loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Don't leave! I love you!"

I stop dead in my tracks and turn around. I can't believe it! I feel the anger rising within me.

"Don't you dare! Don't you fucking dare!"

My fists are clenched at my sides and my chest is heaving with emotion.

Colin must realize what he said because his eyes are practically popping out of his head. His parents are sharing a similar shocked expression.

"You go on and on about how rich people or Trust Fund Babies are so fake and they only look out for their own best interest! Do you think you're better than that, little rich boy? Fuck you, Colin! You only told me you loved me because you thought it would stop me from walking out! If that's not selfish, then I don't know what is! You're no better than any other rich, selfish person out there! You spend all of your time convincing yourself that you're better than all of the rich people you hate! You think driving an old car and packing lunches every day somehow means you're not selfish and you're not a total douchebag! Money doesn't make you a fucking jerk, Colin! Dropping the L word to manipulate your boyfriend because you messed up and you think it will save the day—that makes you a fucking, hypocritical, douchebag and a coward! You can never take that back! Fuck! I love you, but I deserve so much better than this!"

He's frozen in place as he's completely blindsided by my words and reaction.

"Colin, this is why I didn't want to jump into a relationship with you! This is why I told you to take your time and figure your shit out! This is what I did not want to happen!"

I open the front door and glance at his parents, whose expressions I can't read, then I look at Colin, who looks as though he's going to be sick.

"You don't respect me! How can you love me?"

* * COLIN * *

I stare at the door.

That didn't go as planned. Fucking dammit!

As mom storms off to the kitchen, she says.

"Money can buy the best education, but it sure doesn't make you smart!"

She's not fucking wrong. Maybe I enjoyed gas fumes too much as a child! I don't know, but I'm fucking stupid as fuck!

I grab my jacket and phone and realize Charlie's phone is sitting next to mine.

"I'm going to go after him. I need to fix this!"

Dad walks over to me.

"No, that's a terrible idea! The only thing you've accomplished today is proving you're capable of doing all of the wrong things. If you leave, you're going to make things worse."

He pulls the jacket and phones from my hands, sets them down, and gently pulls my elbow toward him.

"Come sit down in the kitchen."

I grab Charlie's phone and desperately walk toward the door.

"But he left his phone. I need to get his phone back to him."

"Let me do it. I'll take him the phone and I'll make sure he gets home."

Before I can protest, dad plucks the phone from my hand and shuts the door behind himself.

* * *

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we say stupid-ass shit!"

Mom looks up from the stove and innocently smiles.

"That's not very helpful, Mom. I blame you. You clearly made me stupid."

I slump down on the bar chair.

"I do love him, you know."

"You do? Huh! That's weird because you have a very funny way of showing it!"

Sometimes, I hate my mom's witty and sarcastic side.

"I know. I hate relationships."

I lay my head on my folded arms in defeat and she walks over and rubs my back.

"It gets better. I promise. You need to get right with yourself, first. Charles is a great guy, but you need to love all of him or none of him."

She gently pats my back then walks back to the sink. I mumble into my arms.

"I do. I love everything about him."

"No, he's right. There's a big part of him that you're not okay with. If you can't accept it, then you can't accept him. It's not fair to keep stringing him along like this. It's so disrespectful. So, do what he asked. Figure out your shit, even if it takes a few weeks, a month, or longer."

She holds a towel so I can dry the pans.

"A few weeks! A month! Longer! No way! I don't want to go that long without him!"

"If it takes that long, then so be it. Colin, if you rush back in, before you're one hundred percent sure, then you're going to end up right back where you are now, or worse! I promise, he won't continue to put up with this. Those cocky rich boys know their self-worth."

* * *

I don't have obsessive-compulsive disorder, but when I'm upset—I clean. So, here I am, on a Sunday night, sitting in my perfectly clean apartment. Fresh bed sheets, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, laundry, dishes, wiped my cupboards, the whole shebang. I'm not tired, yet, but I have nothing left to do. That leaves me here thinking about Charlie and debating about whether or not I should text him.

Maybe I can see if he got home okay or apologize, again, for everything. I don't know, but I hate not being able to talk to him. I guess I should probably tell him I'm going to take his advice and 'figure my shit out'.

[Colin] I hope you got home okay and I'm sorry for everything. I'm going to take your advice and work out my issues because I don't want to lose you. I love you!

Ugh. Delete.

[Colin] Hey! :)

Send.

I know he's responding because I can see the indicator cursor that says he's typing. I'm stupidly nervous. Come on, man, I'm twenty-six! I'm definitely too old to be affected like this.

Five minutes later.

[Charles] Hey.

Really? That's it? Ugh.

[Colin] I just want to make sure you got home okay.

[Charles] Perfect. Thanks.

[Colin] I'm really sorry. I do love you.

[Charles] WTF, Colin. Via text? Fuck off!

[Colin] I'm sorry. That was lame! I'm taking your advice and figuring out my issues.

[Charles] *thumbs up emoji*

Bleh, maybe I shouldn't have texted him. It's the coward's way and now I'm regretting it.

************

It's been three weeks since that disaster of a weekend. Charles hasn't ignored me, but he hasn't gone out of his way to hang-out with me, either. No lunches, no sleepovers, no gym...nothing like that. We've talked about work and generic stuff, but not about anything significant. I don't think we're broken up, but it kinda feels like it. I mean, I've definitely been friend-zoned and I don't understand why. Who am I kidding! I'd have friend-zoned me, too, if I were him.

I haven't been to the gym since everything went down. I only started because of Charlie, but I decide to go because I really need to blow off some steam. When I'm not working, I'm thinking about Charlie and when I'm not thinking about Charlie...well, I don't know because I've been thinking about him nonstop and it's stressing me out!

I walk into the gym and I'm surprised to see Charlie's there and working out. I assumed, since we weren't working out together, neither of us were coming.

You know what they say about assuming—I make a fucking ass out of myself.

"Oh, hey! I didn't know you'd be here."

I'm so fucking articulate.

"Oh, yeah? I've worked out most days of the week for the last ten years."

He continues to adjust his weights.

"Do you need a—"

I see Shorty, the guy from before we started dating, coming out of the restroom and walking toward Charlie with a smug smile and he says.

"Sorry I took so long! Are you ready to go?"

"Perfect timing."

Charlie lies down on the bench and Shorty McTooHandsy positions himself to spot him.

What. The. Fuck?

I'm standing here looking like an idiot. I don't know what to do. I know I definitely don't want Charlie to work out with this guy or any other guy, for that matter. Charlie's wearing my gym shirt, the one that shows off his entire body. For Shorty? Fuck no! I wave off Shorty McLoser.

"I can spot him."

He looks at me as if there's not a chance in hell he'll be walking away from Charlie. I'm aware of his intentions. He's planning to plant himself between Charlie and me. He smiles, insincerely, and says.

"It's okay. I've been doing it all week so I'll happily manage."

All week? They've been working out together all week?

He's fucking evil and I hate him. I look at Charlie, who's pretending not see me, and respond.

"Oh, yeah? I'm sure that's been very helpful, but I'm here now, so I've got it."

I give him my most over the top smile with a look I hope will convey his need to get the fuck away, when Charlie intercedes.

"Colin, it's fine. He's got it."

Shorty McSmugly looks at me and winks.

I'm going to kill him!

Hoping to lighten the mood, I joke.

"You can't deny your husband."

He grunts as he pushes his last rep and racks the bar.

"Well, your days of cherry picking are over, Colin. You can't have your cake and eat it, too."

"I was unaware my cake was up for grabs."

"Oh? Well, I didn't realize you get to put your cake in a Tupperware container, while you figure out if it's good enough for you to eat or not, then expect it to be there when you finally decide. Other people like cake, too, you know."

Shorty McToothdecay smiles at Charlie then licks his lips as if he can't get enough and says.

"I love cake!"

I narrow my eyes and growl.

"Are you fucking for real?"

Shorty raises his hands in surrender and walks away. My rage alone would give me enough power to kill him instantly and I know he knows it. I return my attention to Charlie. I'm frustrated. I thought he wanted me to take my time to figure this out. Now I find out he's not willing to wait!

"What the fuck dude. It's barely been three weeks. I didn't realize I was on a time crunch."

"It's barely been three weeks?! You've had since November! That's when we first talked about our feelings! It's March, now! That's over four months!"

He stops working out at this point and gives me all of his angry attention.

"You can take all of the time you need to figure it out. I'm not going to pressure you or put you on a time crunch. I love you enough to do that."

He gets off of the weight bench and walks toward me. Sadness, frustration, longing, anger, and impatience all play across his face.

"Colin, I've already given you time to figure it out, when I was willing to wait, but you've decided not to take it seriously and rush it. Now, you're on your own time."

He turns his attention to Shorty McGymslut and says.

"I think I'm done working out for tonight."

"Sure, no problem. Are we still on for tomorrow?"

He anxiously bites his lip while waiting for Charlie's response and is clearly hoping for a yes.

"Most likely. I have a few things to do so I'll let you know."

Charlie grabs his stuff and walks to the locker room. I stand here, dumbfounded, and feeling as though everything is crumbling around me and I'm helpless to stop it. I look up and see Shorty's reflection on the wall of mirrors as he's programming the treadmill.

Charlie has a date tomorrow? What in the actual fuck is happening right now?

* * CHARLES * *

It's taken all of the energy I've had these last few weeks to maintain a proper relationship with Colin without having some sort of psychotic breakdown. I don't know how I feel or, more accurately, if I'm feeling much at all. I'm angry because he's an idiot, sad because he doesn't feel the same toward me as I do him, and hurt because it's been three weeks and he still doesn't know if he can be with me! Those are only the top three, but I can continue adding to the list.

Then there's the other side of me that's over this whole thing and simply wants to walk away.

I let the shower beat down onto my face and chest while I replay my most recent encounter with Colin. I can't believe he's angry because I'm working out with Lukas!

It's only been three weeks, he says.

It's been three, damn weeks! He's so incredibly selfish! Does he really expect me to stand around and wait, for some unknown length of time, until he figures things out? It's been almost a year since we've met and I've known I wanted him. I shake my head.

I love him, I really do, but I'm not going to ruin myself for him. I've been a fucking saint for almost a year, but that doesn't seem to be enough for him. I have to face the fact that I'm definitely not enough for him and it really sucks.

I finish my shower, get dressed, and Lukas stops me before I leave the gym.

"Will you call me tomorrow? I hope you can make it."

"Definitely. Have a goodnight, Lukas."

I smile and he smiles back. Lukas is nice enough, but he's not my type at all. He's an excellent gym buddy, though.

His friend has an art show at a big gallery in town and Lukas invited me to check it out with him, but I don't plan to go. I don't want to give Lukas the wrong impression and going to a gallery to meet his friends would be a very bad move. I walk outside and discover Colin is waiting for me.

"Hey."

I wish he'd leave me completely alone or get over his shit and accept me one hundred percent.

"What do you want, Colin?"

"Can we talk? You can come back to the apartment and we can have dinner."

I'll be helpless against any advancement he might make. I know I'll end up regretting it because he's still not ready and I doubt he ever will be.

I'm everything he never wanted!

Ouch, the memory stings like alcohol on a cut.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Colin."

"I only want to talk for a minute."

"Okay. We can talk here. What's up?"

Colin looks around. It's definitely not an ideal place to talk, but I don't care.

"Can we, at least, go sit on the stairs over there instead of standing in the street?"

We walk half of a block to a large, outdoor, adult park? I don't know, but it has a bunch of giant steps that people can sit on and hang-out. There's a small Starbucks and sometimes, like tonight, there's a live band playing. As we sit down at a semi-remote spot, he asks.

"So, are we not together anymore?"

I shrug.

"I don't know. I guess we're not."

We haven't really discussed it, but after three weeks, it doesn't feel as though we're together anymore. I can visibly see the heart break in his eyes as they swell, but he holds it back.

"Really? Why? I mean, I'm working on it, I promise! I really do love everything about you, but it's only that one thing I'm having trouble with, but I'm really trying. I promise!"

My heart breaks as I see the pain in his eyes. I want to give in, but I know it'll accomplish nothing.

"I don't doubt that, but that one thing is a very significant thing. It's not the same as drinking milk out of the carton or hanging toilet paper under versus over. It's a large chunk of who I am!"

I realize where this is going and I think he knows it, too.

"Answer me this, Colin. Would you want to be with me if I only wanted you for your money? Would you be okay with that?"

Colin silently shakes his head. He's not making a sound, but there are tears running down his face as he listens to me.

"Honestly, Colin! What you're doing to me is no different. It's only a negative. You hate me for my money, yet, I don't care about yours and you have more than I do. Jeez, Colin! Tell me—why should I want to stay with you?"

I can feel the emotion building inside of me. The raging war on my heart over the last year, and especially the last three weeks, has torn me down. The look of pain on his face is too much. Minutes pass in silence as I watch him fight his emotions. He's not alone as I'm on the verge of losing mine, too.

I don't know what to expect, but I'm hoping he has something to say that I want to hear. His silence only confirms one thing.

"Dammit, Colin!"

I press my palms to my eyes as I try to block the tears from falling. I finally remove my hands, leaving my eyes red, wet, and a little swollen, but I don't care. Let him see what he's doing to me! I don't care anymore!

Nothing's changed as he's still crying in silence. I don't know why he was so desperate to talk. He clearly has nothing to say! I plead with him one last time.

"Please! Figure it out one way or another. Be in or be out. If you're out, we'll deal with it, but this is purgatory! Don't leave me here!"

I grab my bag and leave before he can respond, though I doubt he has anything to say.

** ** ** **

Take the rest of the off. You're a vested member of this relationship and the emotional stress you're experiencing is real.

The next and final chapter will be posting soon, I promise the wait won't be long.

...and then it will be over.