Summer and Fall

"I don't want to talk anymore, Jess." Alex shook her head slowly.

"Oh, darling Alex," I pleaded. "why not?"

"There's no point in having this conversation." Alex stared at me like I was a stranger.

I crossed my legs and slumped over, burying my face in my hands. Alex got up and walked back to the kitchen. I heard her pouring water into a mug. I couldn't believe I had thrown it all away.

I got up and headed back into the kitchen. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

"Don't say there's no point," I ground out, trying not to be overcome with sobs, "I know I cocked it up. But please don't say there's no point. I... I... need you."

Oh god, that sounded pathetic.

Alex leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms, "Ok. How about this, then: I'd rather not have this conversation."

I hardly recognised the person uttering those words.

"Why not?!" I shouted at her. "I want to have this conversation! I want... ARGH! Alex, you always said we can talk things out. Why not now?"

"It's a waste of time." Alex looked down. I couldn't read her face. It was horrible.

"I don't believe you," I spat out, "I don't believe you think that."

I walked right up to her, "Look at me and tell me why you think this is a waste of time."

Alex suddenly pulled me into her arms. "Because," she said, leaning in until her lips brushed my ear, "It's getting in the way of us having some crazy make up sex."

ALEX

Jess was still for a couple of seconds before she started hitting me on the shoulder, "Oh you horrid, horrid woman, making me think you wanted to break up!"

I pulled her back into my arms and shook my head. "Never."

Jess said nothing, but grabbed my face and kissed me, our tongues eager emissaries of our desperate need to re-unite. This. Her taste. Her lips. This. Her desire... for me. More... I want more. We breathed each other in, clinging tightly together. Tears sprung from my eyes from joy and relief. Our faces were a mess of tears and snot and saliva.

I ached to feel her skin against mine; Jess must have had the same urge strike her.

Jess's hands flew everywhere, undoing buttons scattershot. I hastily fumbled with her jeans, grunting in frustration while trying to shrug off my jacket.

"Whoever invented the zipper ought to be shot," she muttered as she fought with my trousers.

"I think it was a Swedish chap called Gideon—mmph--" Jess cut me off, smothering my mouth with hers as I felt her pulling down my trousers and boxers.

"Yeah, ok, never mind," I flung off her jumper and shirt.

My hands shook with need as I placed them on the slight flare of her hips: the perfect starting place for their journey north.

"Hmmm, I've missed your hands on me," Jess cooed.

I nodded, my eyes glued to my hands' slow sweep along Jess's smooth toned stomach to the underside of her breasts.

"Alex..." Jess whispered, biting her lower lip, "please, touch me..."

I swept my thumbs across the soft grey cotton of her bra, thrilled to feel the bumps of her nipples through the fabric. Jess whimpered.

Oh, I get to do this again. Thank fuck I get to do this again.

I leaned in and nipped her neck as I unclasped her bra. Jess impatiently discarded it. She let out a slow breath through her teeth when I caught her breasts in my hands. Her firm warm flesh spilled into my fingers; I felt zings of pleasure as I pampered them with attention.

"Angry Alex is scary Alex, I'm sorry I hurt you," she closed her eyes and pressed her breasts into my palms.

"I'm sorry I scared you. Never again, I promise," I murmured as I ran my tongue along her delectable cleavage.

Jess let out a low deep growl. Without warning, she pulled me downwards. I laughed as I tumbled to the floor with her.

I quickly made my way down her body, eager to taste her.

"Oh no, you don't," Jess said, "me first... I fucked up."

"Don't care," I declared.

I had aleady caught a sensuous whiff of her arousal, and wild horses couldn't have pulled me away. I grabbed her thighs and pushed them apart; my mouth descended like a heat-seeking missile.

"HOLY FUCK! OH YESSSSSSSSSS!" Jess yelled. Keep screaming, Jess, I'm not stopping until you pass out.

I'd never had make up sex like this. It was like we were in a fight to the death to make each other come more times than the other. There were no post-climax interludes. Sex here, sex there, sex pretty much every where.

I felt her throb against my tongue as she came one more time. Her legs tightened around me before they collapsed onto the couch. Jess's eyes were closed and she had a slight smile on her face. I stared in awe at how sexy she was.

I shifted myself up and lay on top of her as she recovered.

I watched Jess's long brown lashes flutter as she tried to open her eyes. "OK. Pause. Time out. I can't move anymore," she whispered, a mega-watt smile was slowly emerging.

Jess wiggled her body underneath mine. Her eyes opened and I fell into a luminous green ocean with flecks of gold.

JESS

I couldn't believe we were back in each other's arms again. I was home.

"Alex, I'm sorry," I began.

She kissed me and rubbed my nose with hers, "I know you are. This past month really, really sucked. But I knew why you freaked out. And I hoped that you'd come back."

"Annie told me you could have your choice of women, and I didn't deserve a second chance." My voice caught.

"Well, it's a good thing you aren't dating Annie," Alex said lightly.

"She hates me." I sighed as Alex rested her head on my chest.

"Nah, she's just being protective. I think she hissed at Olivia under her breath for an entire semester after Olivia and Amy got back together. You gotta give her points for loyalty."

"She said Sienna would never have left you," I said diffidently.

Alex sighed, "I'm going to strangle Annie the next time I see her."

Alex propped herself up on her elbows. "Annie is probably one of the few people who knows my history with you. She knows the way I feel about you. She just didn't want me to pine for you for the rest of my life if it wasn't going to work out."

"I thought you met someone new," I confessed, "when I called your New York number earlier today, a woman picked up... I thought..."

"That woman," Alex said, landed soft kisses all over my face, "was Lucy, my sub-lettor. Very straight... and very not my type."

"You have a type?" I asked, begging for validation.

Alex nodded, "Platinum blonde, ice blue eyes, over six feet tall, preferably from some Nordic country, massive boobs."

I pushed her off me and threw a pillow at her, "Oh! You are being so vile to me!"

Alex easily swatted the pillow away, "You were fishing. Oh Jess, I'm sorry... I was just kidding."

"No, I'm being childish. Sorry." I moved over and sat down next to her, "Are we ok?"

Alex nodded emphatically.

I nuzzled into her shoulder. "Hm... nice flat, by the way."

"It's Terry's... well, it's my family's, but he uses it the most. Come on, I'll give you the five cent tour." Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me up.

"The neighbours are going to get an eyeful," I mused as we traipsed naked through the house.

Alex raised her eyebrows, "I think they probably already did if they were going to peek. But don't worry, most of the windows are shaded. So that's the kitchen, bath, bedrooms through here... pretty compact, but exactly what I needed."

I wandered into the bedroom, minimally decorated except for a large book shelf full of books and photos of what looked like Alex's extended family. On the bedside table, there was a photograph of me and Alex in a simple silver frame. I remember when Nick took that picture over the summer. I was laughing at my dad, who was off camera; he'd just accidentally sprayed himself with the garden hose. Alex was standing behind me, arms around my waist, gazing at me and grinning. Guilt washed over me anew.

I turned and buried my face in Alex's shoulder. The tears just started flowing. Alex held me without a word.

"I should be the one comforting you after what I did..." I sniffed.

Alex reached for a tissue, "Here. Don't talk like that." She kissed the top of my head.

"How are you so good at this?"

Alex sighed, "I'm not. I just know that I love you. And that I really love being with you, and given that you are here, I know you feel the same, so as long as those things are true, I'm not going to worry too much."

"You are a clever old thing." I flopped onto the bed. "So what do we do now?"

Alex laid down next to me, "nothing we weren't doing before. Except we are not on different continents, and you are not ignoring me."

"Annie said I was crushing you," I looked at Alex, "I don't think I can forgive myself."

She rolled on top of me, "Don't beat yourself up. Just talk to me. I have infinite capacity when it comes to listening to you talk."

So I took a deep breath, and I talked. I told Alex everything. It was as if I turned myself inside out. And she listened patiently as I unravelled half a decade's worth of heartache and loneliness I didn't even know I had been feeling until that moment.

"And now here you are, with me, even after I pretty much lost my shit," I concluded, "you should hate me..."

"Nope. Good try gorgeous. Still head over heels in love with you," Alex smiled.

I scrambled on top of her, "Lucky me."

"I think you ought to get in touch with James."

I froze.

"There's too much unfinished business and it will do you both good to slay the ghost of that relationship once and for all."

I sat up, shocked.

Alex held my hands reassuringly, "I think -- and I'm sure you'd agree with me -- that you're are still enormously affected by that break up," Alex replied, "and justifiably so. Maybe talking to him about it and figuring out what happened would help you move on."

"You are really ok with me going to meet with my ex-fiancé?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, between now and then, I plan on giving you lots and lots of reasons to not forget who's waiting for you at home when you go meet with him." Alex pressed her hips suggestively against mine.

I pressed back, "I'm a very slow student, so I will need a lot of help... and lots of remedial sessions to remember all those reasons..."

--Chapter 8: Loose Ends--

JESS

I kissed Alex goodbye and set off for the coffee shop, nervously fidgeting with the buttons of my coat, my fingers oblivious to the December chill.

It took a couple weeks for me to track down James's contact information, and another long stretch of time before we found a mutually agreeable time to meet.

I knew it was him before my eyes fully registered the shape and contours of his face. James still looked the same, with maybe a little more weight on his frame, but it suited him.

"James," I said, just loudly enough for him to turn towards me.

"Ah, Jessica! I just got here as well. Good timing."

'Good timing,' was one of his favourite phrases. "Shall we go in? Looks like there are a few tables free."

We settled into a two-top in the corner of the café after putting in our orders.

"I was so glad you got in touch," he began, "I had been wondering how you've been doing."

I smiled, "I'm very well. How have you been?"

"Uh, I'm not doing too badly," he smiled back.

"Order for Jess, order for James, order for Charlie!" yelled the barista.

"Good timing! I'll go grab them," James leapt out of his seat.

I chuckled quietly, realising that one of the things that I had found so annoying about him now felt amusing. I was all of a sudden infused with a warm sense of calm.

"Here you go," James returned.

I warmed my hands against the mug of coffee, studying James as he went through his ritual of putting in his precise mix of Splenda and sugar.

"So tell me, what have you been up to?" He asked as he stirred his coffee vigorously.

I shrugged, "Not much, school's been the same. Been doing some travelling, saw my parents couple weeks ago."

"Oh, how are they? I really, really liked your parents. Such kind people."

I nodded, "They are well. They were surprised that we were meeting up."

Neither one of us spoke for a while.

"So what happened, James? What went wrong?"

James let out a long, deep, breath, "Me. I felt the pressure of 'doing the right thing,' of having to 'move the relationship forward' and all of a sudden, I felt that we were both on this conveyer belt tumbling towards a wedding that I'm not sure either one of us wanted."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked, fully comprehending the irony of my asking such a question.

James shrugged. "I couldn't explain it. It felt like I needed to just disappear for me to be free from the conveyor belt. I just felt like everybody else seemed to think it was the right thing, which made me feel like I had to get as far away from it as possible. It was wrong of me. But I couldn't think straight. It had nothing to do with our relationship, or whether I wanted to get married, or any of that."

"Oh."

James leaned forward, "I wondered for a long time if you'd forgive me, and if you'd understand. But then time passed and I felt that I missed the opportunity to raise it with you. But I regret what happened. I regret it because I realised, much later, that what I thought was pressure -- pressure on me to just go along with what everyone wanted -- was not actually pressure, but corroboration. That everyone just saw and felt what I felt, and supported what I wanted."

James's words struck me like a lightning bolt. I hadn't misread him... or our relationship. It was a story he made up in his own head that had nothing to do with me. I wasn't bad at this! He was!

"Are you ok?" James asked with concern, "did I say something wrong? I know I have a lot to apologise for, but I never knew how to start."

I reached out for his hand, "Oh, dear James, you don't have to apologise. Water under the bridge. I hope you can find some peace with this. I certainly have."

James smiled, "Oh good, I was thinking that maybe we can...?"

I shook my head, "We can be friends. But just friends. I've met someone, you see. Actually, re-met, I suppose. It's someone I've known for a good long while."

"I've never seen you smile like that for any one," James said.

I didn't even know I had been smiling.

I reached into my pocket and retrieved the engagement ring James had given me. I placed it in his hand, and gave it a squeeze.

"Who is he?" James stared at the ring.

I smiled wider, "It's not a he. Her name is Alexandra. Alex."

James looked stunned. "Oh."

We sat in silence as I watched him digest the news.

"You love her?" James stirred his coffee.

I nodded.

"She loves you?"

I nodded again. She loves me!

"Love is good," James now looked quite sad, "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you for coming to meet me."

James nodded, a faint smile playing on his lips. "You are an enchanting woman, Jess. Alex is very lucky. I was a fool, walking away like that."

"You had your reasons."

James shook his head. He finished his coffee. "Well, there we are. I want to say that we should keep in touch, but I'm not sure I am ready quite yet."

I nodded, "You know how to reach me."

We both stood, and I gave him the warmest hug I could muster.

"Bye, Jess."

I flung open the café door and raced back to Alex's flat. I fumbled with my keys, desperate to get through to the apartment.

Alex was sprawled on the sofa in the living room, reading the paper. She looked up as I tumbled into the room.

"That was quick. How was it with James?"

I leapt onto Alex and kissed her.

"Hmm, so I gather that James did not try to win you back?" Alex raised an eyebrow.

I laid my head on Alex's shoulder, "I didn't give him a chance to. I just wanted to be back here with you."

"I'm very happy you came back," Alex picked up the paper and resumed reading over the top of my head. We stayed like that for the next little while, with me listening to Alex's steady breathing as she read.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex whispered as she put the paper down.

I lifted my head up and gazed at her handsome face, "There's a lot to think about. Poor James, he ran away and didn't know how to come back. Now it's too late. I'm just relieved that you waited for me to come to my senses."

"Well, don't tell Annie I said this, but sweetheart, I would have waited forever," Alex confessed.

"I would have, too," I replied.

"Really?" I felt Alex's heartbeat speed up.

My stomach fell; she didn't believe me.

"Hey," I slid my hands under her shirt, "I know I went off the grid for a little bit. But I'm back. I'm all in. I promise. I love you. I got freaked out when you told me about the move. I was so excited, but then I got so scared that what happened with James would happen all over again with you -- that my expectations weren't realistic... that I couldn't trust my feelings in any of this, and maybe you didn't feel the same."

Alex didn't say anything.

"James left because he felt like he was a pawn on a chessboard, it had nothing to do with me," I continued, "I know that now. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure out. I'm sorry I disappeared on you exactly like he did on me."

"I believe you," Alex said, "but I don't think it's the same. Three reasons..."

"First," she kissed me on the nose, "you came back."

"Second," she kissed me on the lips, "We talked about this. We both knew you had some stuff to work out. So while it was totally shitty to live through, I knew why, and I knew you'd come back to me."

My heart was dancing a jig. Oh, you are going to get some good loving, Alex Mak.

"And the third reason?" I asked, resting my forehead on hers.

Alex paused, then said, "I knew you couldn't live without my spaghetti carbonara."

"What?" I was confused, "You've never made that for me once!"

She chuckled, "I know. Sorry. I couldn't come up with a third reason. Spaghetti carbonara was -- bizarrely -- the only thing that came to mind."

"You are a nut job."

Alex shrugged in resigned agreement.

I moved my hand over her heart, "A nut job that I want in my life. Always."

"Really?" Alex asked again.

I got up from the couch and tugged at her shirt. "Ok. I'm not getting through. Let's try and get that message across another way..."

ALEX

Jess shifted off me and slowly walked out of the living room.

Where is she going with this?

She looked over her shoulder at me, winked, and started taking off her clothes.

I quickly followed, my heart thumping with desire. I found her in the bedroom, fully undressed and waiting for me by the bed.

"Lie down, love," she said, patting the bed. She reached into the closet and took out a couple of my ties.

I complied, already feeling incredibly aroused. She started undoing my fly, and swatted my hands away as I reached out to touch her.

"Let me do this," she smiled, "I'm going to show you how much I want you, and how I want you to be all mine."

When she finished undressing me, she straddled my stomach. I sat up and tried to kiss her, but she pushed me back down.

"I believe you," I said, tired of being rebuffed and yearning to get my hands on her.

"Well, no, I don't think you do," Jess said, using a tone I hadn't heard in years, "the teacher in me tells me I need to take a firmer hand."

I tilted my head, titillated by the change in her demeanor.

"Arms up, Alexandra," she instructed.

I stared at her. Her eyes flashed with mischief. And then she winked. She winked her sexy wink and before I knew it, my arms did as they were told.