Survivor's Remorse

"You've got an answer for everything don't you?" she said. "Vee, are we okay?"

"Of course, we are," I said. "We're partners and we're friends. Through thick and through thin."

She nodded her head and my heart hurt. She was so pretty, I could barely stand it.

"Saraya, I found out last night that Wendy is getting married again," I told her.

"But your divorce won't be final for another eight weeks and three days," she said.

"She's planning on getting married the day the divorce is final," I said. "And it gets worse. She's marrying the bastard she cheated on me with. Maybe that's why they were at the picnic together. I'm going to be out of it for a while. This has kind of knocked me for a loop."

"I'm so sorry, Vee," she said. "If you need anything, you have only to ask."

Surprisingly, even though I stayed in my office and worked, I got less done. I couldn't seem to concentrate. When I worked on the blueprints for a prototype cam shaft thrust plate, something that I could normally do in an hour or so, I kept drawing the same line over and over again. I looked at the line on my screen, forgot what it was and started over several times.

At lunch time when Saraya poked her head in, to ask me about lunch I realized that my heart was breaking.

"Vee are we going out for lunch or should I go out and bring US something in?" she asked.

"I don't feel like eating," I said. "I'm kind of swamped."

She came into the room and gently closed the door behind her. "So Mr. Dallbinger, what's the deal here? Is it that you don't feel like eating period ... Or is it that you don't feel like eating with ME?"

She pulled up and empty chair and sat down in it. As had become normal for us, she reached for my hand that was closest to her. I pulled in away from her before she made contact.

"I guess that answers my question," she said. "Just for clarity ... What did I do wrong?"

"It's not you Saraya, it's me," I said. "I'm going through some things ... You know the depression and all of that stuff. Besides, it's kind of unfair to ask a beautiful young woman like yourself to wait around on a crusty old guy like me. There are lots of guys who'd do almost anything for a chance at someone like you."

"Vee, you're a year younger than I am," she said. "And your depression is under control. At least it was. And the last time I looked you're about the least crusty guy I know. And if you are crusty, I like your crust. But I'm not going to try to force you to like me ..."

"I wish I had some kind of control over lo ... Liking you, Saraya," I said tensely.

"Do you want me to quit?" she asked.

"Of course not," I said. "You love working here and you're very good at your job. We're both professional enough to work together; at least I hope we are."

"Well, I'm gonna get back to work," she said. "One last thing. Vee, remember what my dad said. You'll make yourself sick trying to do all of these assignments AND work on the proposal too. DELEGATE!"

I went back to work and for the next two hours I just stared at my screen. I track my work load and my progress on a chart. Progress and completion are measured against a scale that I call RDP for reasonable daily progress. As of three o'clock that afternoon, I was further behind than when I'd walked in that morning. Not only had I not made any progress at all, I had pretty much wasted a day.

Shortly after my realization that I was wasting my time, Agnes barged into my office. "You're an asshole," she spat. She stood in front of my desk seething.

"Thanks for your opinion," I said.

"You know, I don't understand you at all," she said. "I've known you forever and I've never seen you happier. I was Frank's secretary before you started to work here. When Frank was here this place was a business. When you came along it became a well run business. Not that you had anything to do with running it, but you working here allowed Frank the ability to do more management type things because he could trust you to handle the Lion's share of the engineering work. You were kind of like a CAD robot. You had the ability to just handle job after job and sometimes juggle two or even three assignments at the same time.

Frank loved it because he no longer had to take any shit off of anyone. He could just fire them and give you their assignments. You were never happier than when you were locked here in your little cave, alone.

And when Frank got hurt, I worried a bit. I knew that you could handle the engineering but ... When I found out that you were going through a divorce and we're still a little bit ... Off. You know from your accident almost a year ago. I sensed disaster.

But Vee ... You rose to the occasion. In only a few days you started making the business more of a team. Almost everyone, except that Damned Darwin was happier. I was scared when you fired him and brought in Saraya.

We all knew Saraya. I mean she's the daughter of the owner. But, Shit, she was a secretary ... And not even that great of a secretary. Come on Vee, don't get mad but she was her dad's secretary. He has a steno, an assistant and a personal assistant, so seriously, how much did she actually have to do?

But the two of you took off like you had rockets up your asses and all of a sudden; this place was more of a family than a team. It has been awesome working here these last few months. Did you know that people from all over the company are trying to transfer in here? It used to be that everyone wanted to work at headquarters. Now everyone wants to work HERE.

I've never known you to be a mean person, Vee. In fact you have a tendency to let people walk all over you, so I don't know what you did, maybe it was some sort of misunderstanding, but I spent most of the afternoon trying to stop your girlfriend from crying.

Vee, I've never seen that woman cry a day in her life. Even when she divorced that asshole she was married to, she got angry a lot, but she never shed a tear. But she's been bawling her eyes out and won't tell us why. But it started when she left your office. Yesterday, she left here smelling like the two of you were doing it in the closet and today she thinks her life is over. You did both of them. It sounds like love to me. I hope you're proud of yourself. You may be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Things only got worse over the next few days. I tried to get back to doing my job. I even checked on the others a few times. Most of the time I was told that Saraya had just checked on them a few minutes earlier.

Several of them told me that they liked it better when we came together.

"You guys are always smiling and happy when you're together," several of them said.

Saraya and I were professional. We told each other good morning and good night. She gave me reports and asked how I wanted to handle certain situations just as she always had. But I could see the differences in her.

"How long are you staying?" she asked me at quitting time a couple of night ago.

I looked at my watch. "I've been spending the working hours on my assignments," I said. "I work on the proposal at night."

"I'm going to stay and work on my survey," she said. "But I've never done one before so I might need some direction."

"No, you're going home," I said. "You worked hard all day. You need some down time. You look like you've been through Hell. It's tough when we're swamped like this. You have to remember to take some time for yourself."

"You need to do the same," she said. "But before you send me home, can we talk ... About the survey, of course."

"There are three things you need to consider. The first is the actual questionnaire. You and I can sit down and figure that out after we take care of the proposal. We need to know the scope of the services we're proposing to offer before we can ask questions about it. So that is another thing on my plate. I will get you the information as soon as I can.

The second most important thing is our list of customers. We need to list both the companies themselves and hopefully several people inside of the company who handle contact or operations with us. It's likely to be a long list. How you handle this is up to you. But I would give that to Kerri and have her start on it ASAP and ..."

"I'm not giving shit to Kerri," she hissed. "I don't need you marching over to her desk when ... I'm sorry," she said. "I'm trying Vee. I really am. Please go on."

"And that leaves the method of delivery. I can think of several different ways to do the survey. We could go totally electronic for the sake of convenience. We could do it over the phone, either with a person calling or spring for an automatic voice recording. Or we could do the survey in person. Each method has merits. This is your baby so it's up to you," I said.

"I thought it was our baby," she said. "You said each method has merits, which means each method also has problems. Which would you choose?"

"If I were me I'd e-mail it," I said. "But if I were you, I'd do the survey in person."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because if you e-mail the survey, it's fast, it's convenient and it's easily collected. The problem is that at least twenty percent of our field will either forget about it in their inbox or they'll accidentally delete it. Others will complete the survey and forget to return it," I told her.

"But doing it in person ... It's so old fashioned and so time consuming. What's so good about it?" she asked.

"Every man on that list would take one look at you and drop whatever they were working on. Not a single one of them would be able to take his eyes off of you," I said. She turned red in the face, which was hard to do with her complexion.

"I wish I could put your name on that list," she said. "I wish I could affect you that way."

I started laughing until I saw a tear roll down her cheek. "I'm sorry again," she said. "That wasn't very professional. You have to give me some time to ..."

"My name is permanently on that list," I blurted out. "The first time I saw you getting out of your car, you were so beautiful that I forgot to breathe. I stood there frozen one the spot until my brain kicked back in and reminded me that I had to go to work. I couldn't get that image out of my mind. I was sure that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And it just got worse when we started working together. I loved coming to work even more and I lo ..."

The next thing I knew she was crying her eyes out and running for the door.

I felt like shit. And I barely got a wink of sleep all that night. The next day she breezed in looking like a million bucks. She was smiling and talking to everyone.

"Vee, I'm going to make sure everyone has everything they need and then get started on my survey. I blew the doors off of a guy in a GTO this morning. I think I've solved my traction problem and ..." she stopped talking and stared at me.

"That's it isn't it?" she hissed. "You want me to give up racing. We were fine, Vee. We were fine until you got jealous and pushed me away. I'm not giving up my car for you. I wouldn't give it up for Stanley and I was married to HIM. Fuck you, Vee."

She turned around and left. Nine hours later, I was working on the proposals when I heard a knock at my door.

"Vee, what the hell is going on between you and my ..." he stopped. He walked into the office and sat down.

"You're in trouble son," he said. "And pushing her away is not going to help you. I recognize that look ... It's fatal. I know because I had it. She's the spitting image of her mother. The difference is that Saraya was raised here. She's spoiled and willful and she's miserable. Vee my daughter doesn't know how to handle you. I do know that she loves you so much that it's driving her crazy.

She came home last night swinging on a star. She told me that you said she was beautiful. Then she came back home today crying her eyes out. She said she had to give up racing her car.

Vee, I guess the whole car thing came from me. I've collected cars my whole life. Saraya met a guy named Stanley when she was in college. I hated the guy on sight. He was always trying to get her to change for him. He wanted her to dye her hair and a bunch of other stupid things. It turned out that he was only with Saraya so he could get a bunch of money out of me.

Saraya was young and foolish. She wanted to marry the guy. It took less than a month after the wedding before she was miserable. It got so bad that she could barely stand to be around her own home. She started coming back to my house. I gave her the Camaro then and she started modding it. Did you know she did all of the simple stuff on the car herself. The major stuff she got done at a local speed shop but that car is her pride and joy.

When Stanley started asking her to drive the car, she made her choice. There was simply no way she would give up her car. She wouldn't even let him drive it. Stanley told her it was him or the car. I guess you know which one she picked."

Vee, I liked the two of you together. Let her keep racing. My daughter is going to make some man really happy. I'd like it to be you. We can't control every aspect of our loved one's lives, Vee."

"I don't want her car, Mr. Whittaker," I said. "And I never wanted her to stop racing. It's just that ... Well, I get really jealous when she races guys for dates with her. The other night she and I were heading out to have dinner and she left me to go off racing with some guy. It made me feel like I didn't matter at all. I love her so much I would die for her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She can race every day if she wants to but I have to be the only one she dates."

"Wow," he said. "I had no idea. Let me talk to her."

"No, Sir," I said. "I have to handle this myself." I told him about my history. I told him the reason for my divorce and more importantly the reason for my depression. He just shook his head and wished me good luck.

The next day at work I told everyone that I was taking a vacation. Most of my colleagues were happy for me. Saraya looked like her dog died.

"How long will you be gone?" she asked.

"Probably two weeks," I said.

"That's too long," she said.

"You'll be fine," I said. "You're very good at your job."

"I always thought that we'd wait until we got things under control and then we'd go somewhere together," she said. She pulled me into my office.

"What about Fuck you, Vee?" I said.

"I was angry," she said. "Vee, please don't ask me to give up my car. When I thought I was in love and it turned out that all he loved was my dad's money, that car got me through it. My dad and my Camaro are all I have. I know it's stupid but ..."

"Saraya, we'll talk about it when I get back," I said. "Maybe if we spend some time apart we'll get things under control. Maybe some distance and some time can make us friends again. I also need the time to handle my Wendy problem. She calls me every day and hangs up the phone. She has people that we know asking me about her Damned wedding. I need it all to stop. I'll see you in a couple of weeks. You can always call me if there's a problem."

"What if there's not a problem but I need to call you?" she asked.

"You'll be fine," I said.

* * * * * *

Wendy

With only a month before the divorce was final and I lost my husband for good ... Well maybe not for good, but our marriage ended, things were not looking good for me. I had moved into a condo, but I hated it. There were too many rules about living there. I couldn't plant flowers. I couldn't build a deck. Not that I could afford to build a deck, but the fact that I couldn't have one if I wanted one pissed me off.

The money I got from Vee was very generous. I had enough to live on and buy whatever I wanted. I also wouldn't need to work for the next three years until it ran out. I was only thirty, but the thought of going back to a job sickened me.

There was also the fact that I simply missed my husband. I had allowed Rick to move in with me, but I'd done it more to make Vee jealous than for any other reason. I knew that living with the guy I'd cheated with would really piss Vee off.

Spreading the rumor that Rick and I were getting married was also a way of pissing Vee off. I had no intention of marrying Rick. Rick had never been anything more than a living vibrator to me. What I'd told Vee about it only being sex was 100% true. It may have been the biggest cliché in the world but it was the truth. I had no feelings for Rick at all. If it served my purposes, I would throw him out on his ass in a heartbeat.

The sex with him, although necessary, was purely physical. I craved the love that I could only get from my husband. As stupid as my plan seemed, it was working.

I can still remember my shock when I showed up at that picnic that Vee's company had. I had expected him to freak out when he saw me, but he didn't. I knew then that he was still emotionally challenged. So I brought out Rick, but again Vee didn't seem to be upset.

It turned out that I was the one who got surprised. Vee had a girlfriend of his own. He was apparently with the crazy woman who'd jumped into the conversation with my dad and me at the restaurant. And the bitch was hot. She was so beautiful, in fact, that almost no one noticed me when she was around. And that included my husband. To make things worse, just like she'd told us at the restaurant, she was a car nut like Vee.

She raced against another car right at the picnic and Vee cheered for her. When she won and got out of her car, she was all over him. When they kissed, right there in front of everyone, I almost lost my mind. I slapped the shit out of Rick.

"Why'd ya hit me?" he asked.

"Because you cost me kisses like that," I growled. We spent the rest of the picnic trying to annoy them. Vee seemed to think it was funny, but she didn't. She and I ended up fighting and it got me thrown out of the picnic.

But it really didn't matter. In fact I'd have to say that the picnic turned out to be a success for me. I actually gained an ally at the picnic. And the best part about it was that my new ally worked in the office with Vee and hated his girlfriend as much as I did.

Over the next few weeks she fed me all kinds of information. Most of the things she told me made me angry. But lately the news had been really good. It seemed that ever since my Dad had called to tell Vee that Rick and I were getting married as soon as our divorce was final, Vee and Saraya started having problems. I knew that all I had to do was to ramp up the pressure and Vee would dump her and take me back.

* * * * * *

Vee

Old habits die hard. Even though I was on vacation, I woke up at the same time. Instead of dashing off to work, I went out to run. When I got back to my Jeep, I was third and sweaty. It had been a while since I'd run. After the accident, I'd stopped running competitively and then I'd just stopped running.

My plan was to get started that day. I actually had two things to take care of in order to get my life back on track. I had to end the situation with Wendy and I had to end the situation with Saraya, as well.

I also needed a new love in my life and I saw myself spending a lot of my vacation with her. I would need her to be very strong and we would have to have a good connection between us when she met Saraya.

I pulled out my phone to get on the Internet to find out what time the place I wanted to go opened. As soon as I turned the phone on I saw that I had four messages from Saraya. I called her.

"Vee," she exclaimed when she answered.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Saraya's voice was like spicy chocolate. It was warm and rich and sweet, but it also had a bit of fire in it. Under normal circumstances, I could have listened to her talk forever.