The Case of the Sneaky Valentine

"Yup, see you there, train buddy."

Wednesday 14 March

Unlike yesterday, I actually get to sit today and next to Zoe too. After a few minutes, I notice a man looking at me and he looks away each time I look towards him. I try to think if I have seen him before but I'm not sure. He is so ordinary that there is nothing to make him stand out or attract my attention, unless extreme blandness can be considered a distinguishing feature.

"Zoe," I whisper, "don't look immediately but there's a guy over there in a grey suit who keeps staring at me." She manages a casual glance around the carriage as the train pulls into the next station.

"Ah, I guess you mean Mr Norman Dull of Blandford, a Civil Servant and six times winner of Britain's Most Boring Human Award." I had forgotten Zoe's penchant for not only naming fellow passengers but creating little life histories for them.

"Yes, that's him" I giggle. "He must be a regular then?"

"I think he must be; I first saw him, um, a little after Christmas I think, though he's so... nondescript that it's easy not to notice him."

"Too right; this is the first time I've noticed him. Do think..?"

"What, him as your Sneaky Valentine? Hmm, so it's Norman, by day a tediously dull man but by night an impassioned love poet and would-be Valentine? A bit of a mismatch, don't you think?"

"More of a mismatch than, say, a Goth punk girl who, it turns out, is actually a kind, loving woman, who's fantastic with kids, a wonderful friend and a fantastic archer?" I smile.

"Oh yes, definitely more of a mismatch than that!" she laughs.

"I'm going to keep an eye on him anyway," I say and then add, "Oh shit I hope it's not him. Life with Roy was boring enough and I've just started having some fun again." Zoe looks at me and gives a shy smile.

"Do you mean..."

"Yes, I mean doing things with you, and when I'm not being a Muppet and overreacting to... things."

"At least we worked it out," she answers, contentedly.

Friday 16 March

"As we share this meal we are happy that we are together and will always be there for each other," we all say, hand-in-hand, before tucking into sausages, mashed potatoes and baked beans; real comfort food on this cold evening. Almost immediately I know something's going on between Chloe and Tina; almost no one else would notice the subtle looks and nods but I do. Mum would too and I suspect that Zoe might as she seems very in tune with the pair of them.

"Okay, what is it?" I finally ask. Embarrassed silence follows. "Look, both of you, if you've done something wrong then it's much better..."

"We've not done anything wrong!" protests Chloe in an injured tone. "Tina wants to ask you something." I see Tina look daggers at Chloe and guess that Chloe has just stitched Tina up. I try to make it easy for Tina.

"Tina, you can always ask me anything, even something that your sister's too cowardly to ask," I look at Chloe who looks indignant and is about to say something but decides better of it. I turn back to Tina with an encouraging look.

"Mum, um, we wanted to ask... are, like, many women lesbians?" I hope the shock doesn't show on my face because all I can think is where the fuck did that question come from and, more importantly, why? I immediately worry that it's either something I've done (did they see me kiss Zoe on the lips?) or that they're about to tell me that they think they're both gay. Hang on, they're not yet eleven: they can't possibly know their sexuality, can they? Shit, shit, shit: I'm not ready for this.

"So, um, you know about lesbians then?"

"Well, yes," says Tina, "doesn't everyone? I mean there are like women pop stars and actors and, like, famous women who are gay and, anyway, Lucy Owens asked about people being like, gay when we were doing Sex Education at school."

"Oh, yes, I, I see," I stutter. My daughters haven't the shyness about sex that I had when I was a girl and that I still have to some degree. "I, well I don't know, Tina. I've heard it said that one in ten people are gay but I don't know if that's accurate or true." I am pleased that I manage to keep my voice steady and my tone neutral. "Why do you ask?"

"Um, we like saw two women kissing in a car today as we arrived at school. You know, like, proper kissing, not just the friend kissing like you and Zoe do sometimes when we say goodbye." Well, that's a relief, I think to myself.

"Yeah," Chloe suddenly finds her voice, "kissing like you see on films and telly when it's a man and a woman going to make love," she grins.

"Yes, I get the picture, Chloe," I tell her. "Well, we could look it up on the Internet if you want a figure but you seem to know that some women love other women just as some men love men, so why do you want to know how common it is? Was it someone you recognised in the car?" I ask on impulse. The matching blushes tell me that, as Zoe might say, I've hit the gold.

"Miss Drake," Tina murmurs.

"What, your teacher?" I cannot keep the surprise out of my voice and both girls nod. "And she was kissing her... girlfriend, in the school?"

"No, Mum, of course not!" Chloe replies. "Tina said: she was in a car on the street like before we get to school. We saw them from behind but we're sure it was Miss Drake. She got out the car after but she didn't see us."

"Okay, I see," I tell them. "Well, Miss Drake's relationships are really her business, aren't they? However, how do you feel about Miss Drake being gay and are you going to tell her what you saw?"

"We don't mind about that, you know, her having like, a girlfriend. We did think about talking to her but... she might, like, think we were spying on her," complains Tina. "Mum, I'm scared she might find out that we know and then be upset with us." I think for a minute. I'm not sure that Tina's worries are justified but then since when were ten-year-olds particularly logical? I'm sure I wasn't when I was ten... actually, being honest with myself, I'm still not, as I'm sure Zoe would agree.

"Okay then, how about I write Miss Drake a note and explain what you've told me?" The girls drop into what I think of as twin-talk for a moment, that slightly weird twin communication mode or private language they have, where nods, gestures and odd words seem to carry whole sentences of meaning, and that they normally only use when the two of them are alone. At the end, they agree to my proposal.

"But you've got to say we weren't spying," insists Chloe.

"And that we're happy she's got a girlfriend," adds Tina.

"Okay, I'll do my best and, yes, you can read it before I seal it up. Okay?" Happy smiles and relaxed girls, at last. "Now, can we finish eating before the food goes completely cold?"

Monday 19 March

I've just begun the walk home from the station when my phone rings. I look at the display and the number is unrecognised, which is unusual, but it also starts 07... that I think means that it is from another mobile phone, which is even more intriguing. I answer and the caller replies, "Hello, Ms James? It's Penny Drake here, Chloe's and Tina's teacher. You, er, wrote a note to me this morning..."

"Oh yes," I reply, "I hope it didn't upset you, Miss Drake."

"I, er, think Penny will be fine in the circumstances. No, it didn't upset me; I'm more concerned about upsetting Tina and Chloe, Ms James. I'm annoyed with myself too for being so careless."

"Penny, I'm Sarah," I tell her, feeling that I have to match her informality. "I don't think they were upset at all, more... interested and intrigued, I suppose: Tina's question, to begin with, was, 'How many women are lesbians?' I don't suppose you know the answer to that?"

I hear her laughing, "I'm tempted to reply, 'Not enough!' Sorry, I don't mean to be flippant or offensive."

Though her reply makes me blush slightly I cannot help a little laugh. "No, I'm not offended; it's a good comeback," I tell her, envying the confidence she must have to give such a reply, "although it's not an answer I'd tell the twins. As I said in my note, they didn't seem to mind you being gay; they were more concerned that you'd be upset that they had found out."

"It's not their fault, it's mine. I wouldn't normally have been kissing in a car at that time of day or so close to school, really I wouldn't. However, last Friday my car had broken down and Rachel, my partner, or girlfriend if you prefer, gave me a lift that morning and, well, we were just saying goodbye."

I sigh; it has been a very long time since I had someone to kiss goodbye before going to work. "I understand; when you're in love..."

"You have to do these things!" she finishes the sentence for me and then it's her turn to sigh. "The trouble is, it does somewhat force the issue of saying something about Rachel and me at school and, oh dear, I was hoping for a bit more time. I only came out to my parents two weeks ago and, well..."

"Not good?" I hazard.

"No, it wasn't. Let's just say that rebuilding the relationship is a work in progress. I'm terribly sorry; here I am spilling out all my problems to you."

"Don't worry, I'm happy to listen," I reassure her, and I really am, perhaps because I recognise the simple need to open up to someone when things are difficult. "Look, the girls have promised not to say anything and I'll tell them that we've chatted. Is there anything I should say to them?"

"Tell them thank you from me and that they're very good girls for being so discreet; most kids wouldn't be. I'm going to talk to the head tomorrow morning to ask her how I should handle this, so they shouldn't have to keep this quiet for too much longer. Thank you, Sarah: for listening to me wittering on and if the girls bring you any more questions or if you're concerned at all then just give me a call, okay?"

"Thank you, though listening to you was no problem," I tell her, "and good luck with the meeting tomorrow."

"Thanks. I'd better go, bye."

"Goodbye," I reply and end the call. I wished her good luck but I cannot imagine how difficult saying to someone 'I'm a lesbian' must be: how do you cope if they recoil in fear or disgust and tell you that they cannot be your friend or, if it's your parents, being rejected and told that you're perverted? I know what one or two girls went through when I was at school, with the teasing and bullying and how hurt they were. Things might be a bit better now but there still seems to be so much judgement and condemnation. How does anyone dare to come out as gay? I decide that I might need to take up Penny's offer of being able to call her if the girls have more questions and save her number onto my phone just in case.

Tuesday 20 March

Now that I've had a reply from Penny Drake and told Tina and Chloe how grateful Miss Drake was to them, I feel happy to tell Zoe about what happened. Zoe thinks her reply to 'How many women are lesbians?' was brilliantly funny.

"I think it's very sweet," Zoe tells me at the end of my story.

"What, Penny Drake having a girlfriend?"

"Well, I'm always for people finding love in their life, but I was actually thinking of the way Tina and Chloe responded. It was very kind and thoughtful, not to mention accepting."

"You sound surprised," I reply quietly, my head close to hers. "Is that because of the way I reacted to your suggestion of a woman being the Sneaky Valentine?" I ask, smiling.

"Okay, maybe a bit," she smiles back. "Are you still keeping an eye on Norman Dull?"

"I've decided something, actually," I tell her and she looks at me questioningly. "I've decided I don't care who it is; there's no bloke on this train that I want to fancy me. I just don't want the whole dating game thing, I want..."

"Just want to have fun?"

"Sounds good to me! Yeah, like the song, 'Girls just wanna have fun!'"

"So what about Friday, wanna come out and have fun?" she asks, but I hesitate.

"It's very tempting, Zoe, but it's the first day of the Archery course on Saturday and the girls are going to be manic with excitement. I really can't ask Mum to deal with that or I'll use up all my babysitting credits for the rest of the year. Sorry."

"Hey, it's fine; I understand... just a bit disappointed, that's all."

"Zoe, you're very welcome to come over for dinner, if you'd like," I say. "Of course, that would mean putting up with the hyper-twins, but you seem to have coped so far. Actually, you seem to have been the cause of a fair amount of the over-excitement, now I come to think about it." She grins and those wonderfully cute dimples appear.

"Are you saying I'm a bad influence?"

"Almost certainly yes," I tell her, "But I honestly wouldn't change you for the world," I finish, too softly for her to hear.

Thursday 22 March

I see Norman Dull is still staring at me when he thinks I can't see him. A few weeks ago that would have interested, intrigued, maybe even excited me to feel I might know who sent the Valentine's cards. Okay, in Norman's case probably 'excited' is the wrong word. However, now I just find it annoying and just a bit creepy. Zoe was right: I should have been more worried about a man getting close enough to put the cards in my handbag.

Saturday 24 March

Okay, so this isn't a new experience for me; I have been to Indian restaurants before but given that Zoe is insisting on ordering for us, I'm sure the dishes tonight will be new to me. For Chloe and Tina, of course, it is completely new.

"It's very good of you to take us all out," I tell her and the girls echo this sentiment.

"Hey, you fed me Friday night and I earn a very good salary, which is more than enough to be able to afford to treat my three favourite girls!" she laughs. Just then the poppadums and chutneys arrive with our drinks and it is Zoe who reaches out to take my hand and Chloe's before Chloe and I take Tina's hands.

"As we share this meal we are happy that we are together and will always be there for each other," all four of us say quietly together as I look intently at Zoe. I am deeply touched by her joining in with our little ritual. However, a tiny part of me feels that I should object to her being part of the rite, that it comes from a time when it felt as if it was the twins and me against the world and she wasn't part of that. And yet... why object to her desire to be my friend and also Tina's and Chloe's friend, to her wanting to be part of our family? I squeeze her hand and see from the looks on their faces that the twins also noticed what she did.

We begin eating the poppadums, or 'giant crisps' as Chloe calls them. The girls like them together with the mango chutney, mint raita and onion salad but complain loudly about the spiciness of the lime pickle; I taste it too and it is as stupidly hot as I remember. Zoe turns and whispers to me, "You don't mind me starting off and joining in with your little prayer do you?"

"It um, was a bit strange having a fourth person. Zoe, I don't mind but those words have meant a lot to the three of us over the years so..."

"So I shouldn't say them if I don't mean them?" she asks and I nod. "Then I'm okay then." I have to think for a moment then realize she's just told me that she does mean them. That's good, I think but then start to wonder what our little promise means between two adult, single women, particularly the 'always being there for each other'. Still, I'm very happy spending time with her.

"So, how are the three of you feeling after your first full lesson? Still enjoying archery so far?"

"There's so much to remember," Tina complains, "Holding the bow properly, using, like, the right muscles, pulling back properly... and my arrow kept like falling off the arrow rest!"

"Zoe told you why that happens," Chloe tells her. "Stop pinching like the arrow between your fingers on the string!"

"That is right," says Zoe, "I always just rest my top finger on the arrow and keep my middle finger low. Don't worry; I'll help you next time, Tina. And what about you, Mummy Sarah: did you enjoy it?"

"Do you know I really did; I've not done any sport since I was at school so it made a real change. I was getting all my arrows on the target at the end too, which was even better." I tell her. "Did you shoot this afternoon after we left?" I ask Zoe.

"Yes, a Warwick round," she sees our bemused expressions. "It's one of the set rounds in archery; we cover them towards the end of the course. A 'Warwick' round is one of the shortest rounds to shoot as it's only four dozen arrows in all, two dozen at sixty yards and two dozen at fifty yards."

"So it must be 'shortest' as in 'fewest arrows' because sixty yards is a long way," I say and Zoe nods. "How did it go?"

"Meh, okay but nothing like my best. That's where archery can be frustrating; you get some days when nothing quite works. Other days everything just clicks and you're hitting the gold almost every time, or so it seems. Ah, the starters are coming: onion bhajis, samosas and vegetable pakora. I didn't get us each one of every item or we'd be too full so we'll need to share if you want to try a bit of everything." Tasting, sharing and commenting make for a friendly, enjoyable meal, and Zoe continues the same principle for the main course where there are several dishes to try. At the end, we are all very full and Zoe and I have discovered that the girls have an unexpected liking for spicy Indian food.

"If I ever feel hungry again then I'd choose Indian!" declares Chloe, suppressing a burp.

As we leave the restaurant and head back towards the car Zoe links her arm through mine and I feel Tina take my other hand, while a glance shows that Chloe has done the same with Zoe. I feel a warm upsurge of affection for the three of them, for us all as, well, a family almost. "Come back with us tonight, Zoe," I say, moved by these feelings.

"Okay," she replied happily and at that moment I could have hugged her.

Tuesday 27 March

When I arrive home Tina intercepts me before I've even had time to remove my coat. "Granny's, like, pretty upset with you, Mum," she informs me, "well, you and Zoe, really."

"Why, what have I done?" I ask.

"I think she thinks..."

"Ah, Sarah love, you're back," Mum walks out of the kitchen. "Go on Tina, I'm sure you've some homework to finish," Mum says, sending Tina away.

"I need a cup of tea, would you like one too, Mum?" I ask.

"Yes please, dear, but I really must talk with you, so I must." I enter the kitchen and start making two mugs of tea as I receive the talking to. "Sarah, your father and I are very concerned with the amount of time you're spending with this Zoe woman. The girls talk about her all the time and how she's teaching you archery and taking you out for meals, or staying here almost every night... it's not right you know."

"Well, apart from the fact that she's hardly here 'almost every night', I have to ask why is it 'not right'? Zoe is my friend and we get on well and she's brilliant with the girls." I school myself to patience, knowing how much Mum does to help us.

"Yes, but don't you see, she's a woman..."

"Yes, I had noticed," the flippant reply slips out.

"Don't you get sarcastic with me, Sarah. I'm sure you know what I mean."

"Yes, Mum, I fear that I do. Look, if you saw Zoe with the girls you'd understand a bit more: she really is fantastic with them. I know she's not a father figure but, frankly, given the last so-called father in their lives, that's no bad thing! Mum, seriously, she is not my secret lesbian lover just a wonderfully kind woman who is a very good friend. I know her looks are against her but you know from meeting her that she's not some psychopathic satanist."

"But look, why all this staying over? I have lots of friends, so I do, but I don't sleep at their houses. Can't you see how it must look to the neighbours?"