The Heart Wants Ch. 01-04

I thought back to my friend, wishing that when the year ended, I had kept touch with him...

"I remember one time, we were talking and I, being a dumbass, decided that it was time for me to start apologizing for my privilege. He was talking about some big plant in his home city, and I just went on this tirade about how it was bullshit that American companies went into foreign countries and built these massive plants and started paying locals ten cents an hour to make stuff that sold for hundreds of dollars in the U.S." I shook my head, remembering, "And he pulls me up short. He explains to me that I really don't understand, because you see, to his people, ten cents an hour is a living wage there. He told me about how without that plant, a lot of his people would starve because there would be no jobs..."

Sneaking a look at her, I could see the look of puzzlement on her face as she tried to connect the dots between what I was telling her and her own situation...

"And that was the first time I made a friend that really saw the world differently than I did..." I smiled at her, my excitement becoming palatable, "And it was one of the best friendships I ever formed. It was so interesting to see how someone saw the world so differently than I did. To see someone who had a completely different worldview. To have someone who challenged every thought I had, because their experiences were so much different than mine. He was the first person that I ever really met that took me at face value, and challenged my beliefs, made me really think about them. He taught me more than most of the teachers I have ever had, and he was just some sixteen-year-old kid..."

I felt the guilt start to seep in, the guilt of knowing that I had lost such a good friend, all because I was too lazy to try to overcome the differences in geography between us. I started to wonder where Sammy was right then...

"He was super patient with me. I'd stick my foot in my mouth about one thing or another, like this time, he told me about the fact that he was Buddhist, and he was telling me that he had gone to church on Sunday, and he was describing how interesting the ceremony was to him, and like a dumbass, I just randomly said I didn't even know that my town had a Buddhist temple, and he just laughed at me. He told me that for him, religion was about spirituality. That his religion didn't force him to go to a Buddhist temple, it just required him to go to a temple. He told me about how he went to Christian churches, or to a mosque, or about how he had once gone to the synagogue. He told me about how he loved to go to this one Christian church where they sang all the time... about how he loved the way they celebrated their faith where so many people seemed to wear it around their neck like a weight..." I stopped for a breath, looking at her to see if she was following my rambling sense of thought.

She curled her petite self up in the chair, one leg tucked beneath her, the other propped up beneath her chin, her coffee held in her hands as she shook her head at me, enraptured.

Continuing, I rambled, "I remember thinking how cool that was, and it wasn't until later that I realized how patient he was with me as I blundered my way through his culture." I shook my head, "How many times I must have said something to him that would have been so easy to take offense to..." My eyes met hers, "But he was always patient with me. He realized that if I said something stupid, I didn't mean any offense, I just didn't know any better. He just quietly corrected me, and we moved on."

She nodded her head, a half smile on her face, "Sammy seems like he was a really good friend..."

I nodded back at her, feeling my tone grow more morose as I thought about my guilt in having let him slip away from me...

Looking back at her, I sighed, adding, "I guess what I mean, by telling you that entire long ass rambling story is, I'm interested in you. In your life, in your experiences. I'm going to say some pretty stupid shit, and I guess I'm saying if we're going to be friends or continue to be friends, I need you to be patient as you teach me. Because what I was going to say, prior to me telling you about Sammy that is, is things seem to be getting easier for you people, which I realize sounds super offensive, and then I realized that I don't really know what the fuck I'm talking about."

She smiled at me, I think, finally understanding my lunatic rambling, "I wouldn't think that about you..."

I shrugged, "I mean, I guess what I'm saying is that I want to learn about you. I want to learn about how life is for you, and, much as I'd like it to be true, it's not just an issue of me being a good friend, it's about me learning too. Learning how to be a better person."

She nodded, "And I understand that now... it's just... some people... you have to be careful. Some people don't take it well when I tell them, and I guess that's why I didn't share that part of my life with you... well that, and..." She looked down, "Sometimes, I feel like a freak... and I'm ashamed of that."

I took another sip of my coffee, happy to feel that it was starting to cool to a comfortable level, "Why would you be ashamed?"

She hugged her leg, putting her head against it, thinking. Finally, she shrugged, "It's just not normal..."

Chuckling, I asked her, "And what is normal?"

She looked up at me, "You know. Guy and girl, fall in love, run off into the sunset and get married."

Smiling, I took another sip of my coffee, "I don't really think that's all that normal. I mean, we all talk about how it should be normal, but more than anything I think it's society's ideal. None of us really measure up to it." I thought about it for a second, "And is that what people really want?"

She looked at me, "What do you mean?"

Shrugging, "I mean, people don't seem to me to be very monogamous. I mean they talk a big game about how they are, or how everyone should be, but it seems to me that most of them are either actively in the process of fucking someone they shouldn't be, or on their way to, or at least fantasizing about it."

She scrunched up her chin, "I guess I never really thought about that."

"I mean look at lesbian porn..." I said, letting my voice trail off.

"Constantly... oh my god... so hot!" She surprised me by saying.

I felt my eyebrows go up in surprise.

She smiled at me, taking a sip from her coffee, "What? Does that surprise you?"

I swallowed, tasting the lingering coffee in my mouth, "Actually, yeah."

She leaned in closer to me, "Let me tell you a little secret. Girls are just as interested in sex as guys, it's just that society conditions us to think that thinking about sex is taboo. Trust me. We want to know, and we want to watch..."

I considered it, it made sense, but there was still a factor to consider, "And what if that's just you?"

She smiled at me, "You mean because I'm a dirty carpet muncher?"

I rolled my eyes at her, embarrassed that she would use such a vulgar phrase about herself...

She smirked at me, "Does that offend you?"

I thought about it for a second, "Not really. I mean it has nothing to do with me, so it shouldn't." I tilted my head, raising my eyebrows, "Of course, if I heard someone say that about you, I'd be pretty pissed..."

She took another sip, "Don't be. I think we all need to embrace the stupid things people say about us, and learn to laugh about it. Learn to laugh at ourselves."

I raised my eyebrows at her, "Is that the way you were thinking when you told me about you being a lesbian?"

Taking my point, I saw her shoulders slump, "Okay, I guess not, but with you it was different."

I looked at her, actively interested in what she was saying, "Why?"

She shrugged, "Because I like you. You're a friend. It's easy to laugh about some dipshit redneck opening their mouth about something they don't understand." Her eyes met mine, conveying a sense of intimacy to our conversation, "I'm still human. I can be hurt when someone I love doesn't... accept me."

I nodded, finally understanding what she was trying to say, or at least, I thought I understood what she was trying to say...

"Sex though. Girls think about sex just as much as guys do." She continued, picking up her original train of thought, "And that's not just a weird lesbian thing. I have a lot of girlfriends, and you would be surprised how much they talk about sex when guys aren't around..."

I smiled at her, "See. You're teaching me new things already!"

Chapter 3

My conversations with Laurel became the best part of each day...

We would usually get a coffee together, and find a quiet spot to sit and chit chat. Usually, it was banal, normal conversation. I loved each of those interactions. Loved the way her mind worked, but as much as I didn't want it to happen, I could never quiet the part of my mind that saw her as a sexual creature...

She would move in a certain way, or she could be standing in front of me in line at the coffee stand and I would catch myself staring at her ass. I berated myself each and every single time, trying to remind myself that she would not be impressed, nor would she appreciate me ogling her...

And yet, I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop thinking about her...

The more time I spent with her, the more intimate our relationship grew, the worse it got.

I started dreaming about her...

In my dreams, disjointed, and fragmented so that it made it hard to remember, she would be naked. A look of raw desire on her face. I would go to her. I would lay her down in my bed, kissing her deeply as my hands ran along her body. She would moan as I would run kisses up the side of her neck. Her hand, burned into my vision, pressed against the wall as I felt myself slide into her, the feeling of my hand sliding along the bottom of her leg as I thrust into her. That feeling that only a dream can provide, when all of your senses fill every part of your mind all at once, one second the look of her face, bathed in light, the next, the feeling of the tightness of her wrapped around me as I entered her, the next that fucking image of her hand pressed to the wall as the pressure of her body wrapped around mine filled my entire consciousness. I would thrust myself into her, losing touch with everything but the feeling of emptying myself into her as her moans filled my world...

"Hey!" I was startled back to the moment as Laurel snapped her fingers at me, "You paying attention?"

I shook my head, rubbing at my face as I realized with some embarrassment that I had just completely zoned out of our conversation, falling back into the dream I had had about her last night.

"Sorry. I didn't sleep well last night," I mumbled, feeling slightly guilty about lying to her...

You didn't lie to her... you just didn't tell her that you didn't sleep well because every hour you woke up, having dreamed of fucking her brains out... My sociopathic brain chuckled at me...

I looked up at her, seeing her beautiful face, her perfect hair, my treacherous eyes sliding down her body to the V-cut of her shirt, just the barest hint of cleavage that she always seemed to be fucking showing...

I forced my eyes back up to her face...

Her eyes met mine, and I felt this strange... twisting in my chest, like someone was just reaching in there and twisting my heart...

Our eyes stayed locked...

I felt my breath quicken...

The urge to rise up and kiss her, to just pull her into my arms, to stop caring about the fact that she didn't want me...

Stop that! My brain screamed at me.

Our eyes were still locked...

With what seemed like the strongest effort of will I have ever produced, I managed to pull my eyes from hers. I actually had to shake my head to clear the emotion swirling through me...

Taking a deep breath, "I'm sorry." I muttered, "I... uh... I think I need to go splash some water on my face..."

I stood, finally realizing how awkward I was being, and looked at her, "Sorry... I'll be right back..."

She was nibbling on her bottom lip... a gesture so fucking adorable I once again wanted to lean down and pull her back into my arms...

Fucking knock it off! She was never in your arms! My brain once again screamed at me. She doesn't want you! Stop it!

I had to shake my head again, only now realizing that I was once again staring at her. Her eyes came up and, once again, met mine. I could see her visibly swallow, "Uh... sure. I'll... uh... watch your stuff..."

Making myself turn from her I walked briskly to the bathroom...

As soon as I got in the brightly lit room I ducked my head down, looking for legs in any of the stalls. Satisfied that I was alone, I went over to the sinks. I ran the water as cold as it would go and staring at myself in the mirror, said aloud, "Fucking knock it off dickhead. You can't have that. Stop!"

The asshole looking back at me didn't seem to be listening...

I filled both my hands with cold water and splashed my face...

Looking up at myself in the mirror I watched as the water dripped down my face, my eyes haggard and filled with need as an image from last night smashed back into me, her, her nails rolling down my back as I thrust into her... her moaning... "Link... oh my god..." the feeling of her body as she moved against me, pulling me deeper into her...

I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing the desperation on my own face, feeling how excited the memory was making me, just thinking about it...

I can't let her see me like this... I thought to myself in panic, realizing that if I went back out there to her, there was no way that I could hide it... Gotta buy myself some time...

"Fuck it." And like that, I was in one of the stalls. Like a madman, I grabbed a handful of toilet paper...

This is gross... I heard a part of my mind scream.

Shut the fuck up! I need this right now! The better part of my mind screamed.

Unzipping my pants, I freed myself, amazed at how hard I was without any effort...

I moved around the back of the toilet, standing in the corner and started to stroke myself, my mind filling with images from last night's dreams...

"Oh god Link..." I heard her moan on about my fourth stroke, my forehead pressed against the cool tiles. I felt the heat of her around me, felt myself slide into her...

My vision was filled with white-hot light as I felt the orgasm slam into me. I managed to bury myself in the toilet paper, feeling myself release into it as wave after wave of pleasure slammed into my body...

All I could do was grit my teeth, trying not to groan as I stroked myself harder and faster...

Winding down, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my pulse loud in my own ears...

Finally, I came down...

Well, this is a new low... I felt my mind warn me. Never jerked off in a public restroom. Great time to be alive huh? Proud of yourself?

All I could do was push the feeling down and try to ignore it as I dropped the wad of used TP into the toilet. I tucked myself back into my pants, looking around the stall guiltily as I at least tried to be considerate enough to make sure I hadn't made a mess...

I went out, back into the common area of the bathroom, and was relieved to see that no one had come in while I was jerking off in one of the stalls...

There's that to be thankful for at least... I thought to myself with shame...

Shaking my head, I looked at myself in the mirror...

Nope. Can't do that right now... I thought in shame as I looked away.

I took a deep breath, filling my hands with cold water as I once again washed my face. I grabbed a handful of paper towels and dried myself, rubbing the entirety of my head, my face, and my neck. I paused at the door and took a deep breath...

This time, the voice in my head was more reasonable, calmer, You need to get this under control... It warned me. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment. She's never going to see you that way, you need to stop. Force the issue. Make yourself realize that she will never be anything more than a friend and stop obsessing about her...

I closed my eyes, making myself focus.

She smiled at me, twirling her hair around her index finger as I walked back to her. "Did that help?"

A mental image of me jerking off in the stall flashed into my vision, filling me with shame, "Loads."

Ha! My brain screamed at me...

"So are you going to be ready for the test on Wednesday?" Her voice was like an afterthought in my mind as I tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do about her...

I nodded, "Probably not... I'm fucking struggling in this class..."

She smiled at me, "What are you getting in it right now?"

I nibbled at my lip, trying to think about how I was going to put an end to my obsession with her, "Like a B, I think."

She laughed, "A B is struggling?"

I forced my eyes up, meeting hers again. It was better this time, there was no stoppage to the world, no twisting in my chest, only a pleasant sense of warmth that seemed to crawl into my skin with me... "Yeah..."

She smiled at me, "Good for you, overachiever." She looked at me very carefully, "Are you alright? You seem really tense lately..."

I smiled at her, though I forced my eyes off of her, when a thought occurred to me, "Hey. You never told me... do you have... I don't know... a girlfriend or something?"

She smiled at me, "You mean a kerfluffen?"

Raising my eyebrows, "Kerfluffen?"

She bounced her eyebrows at me, "Yeah, that's what a lesbian calls her girlfriend, a kerfluffen..."

"Seriously?" I asked her, incredulously.

She started laughing at me, again...

"No. We normally just say, girlfriend. Seriously, you bought kerfluffen?" She laughed...

I raised my hands, "What can I say, I'm gullible."

She shook her head, her musical laughter continuing, "I'll say..."

She tore a page from her notebook, and wadding it up, threw it at me. Amazingly, I managed to slip my hand out and catch it as it flew towards my chest.

Her eyebrows went up in surprise, "Smooth."

I bounced the paper in my hand, weighing whether or not to throw it back at her...

She smiled, again and looked at the ground, her mind lost in thought. "Yeah. I have a girlfriend. Rachel."

Oh, thank fucking god! My brain screamed at me. You see, she's a legitimate, card-carrying lesbian. Move on now.

I tilted my head at her, "Tell me about her."

Her face lit up, but for a second, just the space of a single, narrow heartbeat, I saw a look of something there...

"She's awesome. I think you'd like her. She's uh..." I could see her mind get lost in thought, could see her get lost in that moment when someone asks you to describe why you like a person. Could see her trying to work out how to describe all of the intangible things that make each of us special...

"She works as an image consultant..." She began.

"Image consultant?" I asked.

She nodded, eager to latch onto something to describe, "Yeah. She goes around to businesses and talks to them about their marketing, how they advertise themselves, how public opinion perceives them. Makes recommendations about how they could change this or that to do better..."

"Sounds interesting."

She nodded again, "She seems to really like it, though it would bore the shit out of me... She's so patient though. She works with people that seem so clueless sometimes!"

I saw that look again, no, this one was different somehow, this one was sadness, "What's wrong?" I asked her.

Her smile grew broader as I caught her out, "She has to travel a lot. So, she's gone a ton. Like two or three weeks a month... it gets lonely sometimes."

Involuntarily I felt myself say, "So don't be alone. Come hang out with me when she's gone..."

Shut the fuck up! My mind screamed at me, You are supposed to be finding reasons to not be so obsessed with her, not weaseling your way in to try and spend more time with her!