The Promise

Sadie took back the reins on the fourth day. She smiled at the obvious relief on my face. I confessed it all, the problems, the botched menus and the overall mismanagement. She walked around inspecting the kitchen as I explained the problems that still needed solving. She ended in front of me as I explained about the lettuce I had to throw out because I didn't use it in time.

"Did anyone leave hungry?" Sadie asked calmly.

"Well no, but..." Sadie didn't let me finish. She went up on toes and kissed my forehead.

"Thank you, David. You did wonderfully." Sadie's smile burst through my misgivings. I let out the breath I was holding and stopped the tirade of my failures.

"I'm glad you're back," I admitted as I handed her the keys. It felt really good to put the place back on her shoulders. She was even stronger than I had given her credit for. The kiss was a little disturbing. I could still feel the impression her soft lips left. I was happy when she sent me to reset the tables for the day. Back to simple, completable tasks.

Three days later the IRS invaded. A black-suited field agent with two similarly-suited accountants descended on Sadie's books. It was a witch hunt. Normally, an auditor would look at significant transactions and a random sampling of others. These three did as I had done and checked every transaction and journal entry. Each, and every, bank statement for the last three years was scrutinized. The questions were insulting and bordered on acquisitions. My ire was already sky high when the audit came to a close.

"We will assemble our findings and you will be notified within two weeks of the results," the head field agent said. His name was Terrence Douglas and sported an obvious toupee. I could see the frustration on his face. I suspected he wanted to find glaring problems.

"You don't foresee any issues, do you?" I asked, thinking I already knew the answer.

"We will make a formal response only." Terrence's face was not friendly as he packed up his note pad and calculator. My anger was growing. The IRS was always a pain, but usually polite.

"You must have some idea," I added with my hands on my hips. Terrence looked at me from head to toe, then at Sadie with more than a bit of disdain.

"I recommend you secure proper guidance." Terrence closed his briefcase and started walking out. It was all I could do not to take a swing at the asshole. His words told me they intended to find problems. I couldn't imagine it would get anywhere in the long run, but they were going to pull Sadie through the ringer.

"What are they going to do?" Sadie asked. I saw fear in her eyes.

"I'm not sure, but it won't be good." I didn't have the heart to lie to her. "In the long run, nothing will come of it. I'm just not sure how long the long run is." Sadie looked ill. She seemed to be taking it as a personal failure.

"We'll get through this." I thought the words would be comforting. Sadie found them shocking.

"We!" It was the first time I had heard Sadie raise her voice. "There is no 'we.' It's me they are attacking. You're just some guy who dropped out. You risk nothing and then walk away clean." She raised a hand to shoo me away and returned to the kitchen. She returned to work, making sure not to look my way. It was time I left. I just didn't know where to go.

I left as quietly as I could, unseen. Sadie was right, I could just walk away. I walked for the rest of the evening, my stomach churning with bile. I thought I saw friendship in Sadie, I thought I could help. I had done nothing but raise her hopes, only to watch them get flung from a bridge

That night was cold. The seasons were changing and I wasn't ready. I huddled sleeplessly in a warehouse doorway, trying to avoid the wind. I closed my eyes and tried to see Amber, build her face in my mind. I saw only Sadie, hating me. I shivered with my knees tucked tightly to my chest. I wanted my wallet, keys and phone back. I wanted Amber and my life back. The shaking increased, memories of my first wet day under the bridge. The cement I was sitting on did me no favors. I nodded in and out.

"Move on." I awoke shivering. Above me was a cop dressed warmly. Around me I could see the rotating reflections of red and blue lights. "Can't loiter here; you have to move on." He gave my boot a little kick. I had trouble rising, my chest was having trouble bringing in the cold air. I stumbled a little, trying to wake up my cramped legs. "Next time buy some warm clothes instead of booze." He stood there making sure I was headed away. I heard a car door close; it sounded more hollow than it should. The rotating lights stopped and police car drove past me as I lumbered on.

The air tasted colder than it should. I realized my nose was nonfunctional and dripping mucus. My body had caught up with my soul -- both feeling lousy. The cop was right, I needed warmer clothes. Maybe it was time I went home. I didn't like the idea, not with all the memories, but I knew I wasn't built for the streets. I was no Houser, not strong enough. I needed sleep. Then, I could do what was needed, whatever that was. I tried to cough, but my lungs argued about it and decided to remain clogged. At least the shaking had stopped.

I stumbled forward for blocks. Directions were muddled and I wasn't sure if I was going the correct way. It was still dark and traffic was minimal. Houser would know what time it was. I laughed at that, me and my college degree easily shown up by an uneducated homeless man with bad teeth. My laughing didn't sound right, way too throaty. A laughing frog came to mind which made me laugh more. I had to stop with my hands on my knees to catch my breath. It felt good to laugh, but I knew it was sapping my energy. I had to find a place to sleep. I found another entryway, wood this time. I curled up against the corner away from the wind. It was better than the cement. I closed my eyes and Sadie's image formed in my mind. I was puzzled why it wasn't Amber's as I drifted off to sleep.

<<<<<>>>>>

It was music that woke me. It entered as a dream on the cusp of my memory and then the dream faded away. I was late, late for dinner. I sat up too quickly and ended up in a small coughing fit. When my eyes focused, I was in an office I knew well. Sadie's office. I could hear 'Sugar Magnolia' playing and the general din of food being served. It was muted by the closed door, but it was obvious it was 4:00. I was on a fold out cot with two thick blankets now bunched up on my lap.

I wasn't sure how I ended up at the City Kitchen. I remembered finally finding the wooden entryway and trying to get some sleep. In hindsight, it seemed like an asinine decision to sleep outside last night. I should have gone to the bridge to see Houser, or to the shelter. I still wasn't good at dealing with pain. I stood and coughed some more. My feet were steady, but my head felt like a brick. My nose was stuffed up and I could feel thickness in my eyes. I must have found my way back here. Sadie must be really pissed. I had to stop this stupid self-loathing homeless shit and get my life back.

The kitchen was in full swing. I was walking slowly with a foggy head. Trudy spotted me ambling toward the dining room and called out, "Sadie, Frank's awake." Sadie swung quickly around the corner, her green flowered skirt swaying with the momentum. Her long hair flowed just moments behind her, catching a small draft and flaring out for moment. I saw determination in her green eyes. I was ready for an earful so I preempted.

"I'm sorry." It came out hoarsely, my throat wasn't ready for words. So I cleared it with a cough quickly and continued, "I'll get out of here and leave you alone."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Sadie's voice was controlled, and I don't think it carried past me. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the office. I followed, her will being stronger than my mushy brain could counter. "I had everyone looking for you." She pushed me back on the cot and began covering me with the blankets.

"I thought..." Sadie didn't let me finish.

"You didn't think," Sadie stated firmly, then her voice cracked, "if Houser hadn't found you...God... you were blue when he brought you back." There were tears running down her cheeks which she quickly wiped away. I was confused and my brain wasn't processing at full speed. She sat down on the floor next to the cot, spreading her skirt evenly around her. "I am so sorry." It sounded like she wanted to say more. She couldn't get it out and wiped away another tear.

"I don't understand," I said quietly. One minute I thought she wanted me to leave and the next to stay.

"I don't either," Sadie said, her voice cracking, "it was ten degrees last night, I thought you were going to die." She dropped her head into her hands and sobbed.

"I didn't though." It was an obviously useless statement. I thought back to crawling into that wooden entry way. It was almost my grave. "My stupidity isn't your fault." Sadie tried to say something, then thought better of it. She stood, instead, wiping her eyes.

"I'm going to get you some food. You're not to leave." It wasn't a request. I watched her leave with her hair bouncing on her back. Something had changed and I couldn't completely wrap my head around it.

Sadie returned and allowed me to sit up. She placed a plate of roast beef and mashed potatoes on the desk. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until the smell hit me. She sat with me, watching me eat, smiling while I chewed. When I pushed the empty plate away, she spoke.

"I want to take back what I said." Sadie looked at me, then her eyes drifted toward the empty plate. "I was angry...I can't really explain it and it confuses me." She looked back at me with her clear, green eyes. "I don't want you to leave, although I know you might. I wouldn't blame you."

"I'm pretty messed up," I admitted. I tried to kill myself and then almost did it accidentally. "I'm not sure if I do more harm than good." Sadie put her hand over mine.

"I have been playing Richard's favorite song every day at 4:00 for nine years." Sadie smiled as she thought about it. "I've been hiding in a soup kitchen behind a promise. My acquaintances all live on the streets. I am the poster child of messed up and I am highly efficient at it." I didn't move my hand, thinking she might remove hers. I felt guilty enjoying the human touch. The last person I touched died in my arms. It felt nice to be close to someone again.

"I threw my life away to live in a cardboard box with Houser," I said to top Sadie's concept of messed up. She laughed as I smiled. It was nice to see her eyes crinkle and little dimples form on her cheeks. I was happy she didn't remove her hand.

"So you'll stay for a while?" Sadie's eyes were hopeful.

"I could use the distraction this place provides," I said honestly. "Those little solvable tasks are welcoming. I would also like to see this IRS thing through. I kind of pisses me off." Sadie's smile widened.

"You can sleep here until you find someplace better." Sadie rose and picked up the empty plate and silverware. I felt a small emptiness when she removed her hand from mine. The shelter had better beds, but this felt more like home. I could get used to the cot. "If you feel better in the morning, I'll put you to work." She started walking out, then stopped in the doorway and turned back toward me. "Thank you for not hating me." She spun back around and disappeared out the door before I could form a response. I had no idea where that came from. I was hating myself, not her.

I ate dinner with Houser the next day. I thanked him for finding me the other night. It turns out I actually walked back to the City Kitchen with his help. I remembered nothing of the walk. Houser's lecture on how to survive winter on the streets was long and disjointed. There was no lesson plan, so he verbally hopped around telling me things out of order then backtracking to fill in the holes. I listened patiently, knowing he was the reason I was there to learn it. I gave him my white cake, the first repayment of many.

Sadie and I began working closer together. I learned proper menu management and inventory control. The problems that plagued me during her brief sickness were the norm, not the exception. She just had the tools to deal with them without panicking. The management skills she taught me would put Harvard Business School to shame. There was a change in Sadie during my schooling. She would smile more and become more tolerant. I still had to do it right, without exception. She just identified the many errors in a pleasant, non-demanding way.

I was able to get into another Roma tomato coring contest with Sadie. I attacked with vigor and was handily beaten again. She had nine years on me, but I think I did a lot better than the first time. I suspected I could beat her given a few more tries. I loved her victory face. Maybe I would never win.

I really enjoyed the escape from my past. I also knew that staying forever wasn't much of a possibility. I had commitments I had been ignoring that would cause festering problems if I continued to neglect them. Using the office computer, I logged into my bank account. I had a few months of overdue bills and some of them mattered. A few clicks of the mouse and my mortgage and utility bills were brought up to date. I had to transfer cash from savings. I had enough to withstand nine months, maybe longer, if I ignored some things. Amber had always insisted on the buffer. She was my better mind.

I would lose my cable and the paper. Those bills were mailed. Nothing to really fret about, I wasn't using them anyway. I was a little concerned about my car. I had left it in the parking lot of the theater and I wondered if it was still there. I shrugged my shoulders and made the back payments hoping it wasn't already repossessed. It felt a little weird paying the bills. I had spent a lot of time these last weeks, trying to avoid real life. I was taking a step toward normalcy, and I still wasn't wholly comfortable with the move. I had already checked the boxes and hit 'pay' so I couldn't step back. I stroked my growing beard and logged out. It was just a step, I'll take the leap later.

Three weeks after the IRS audit, a letter arrived. Sadie was crushed and I was livid. The IRS had identified the fifteen dollar window cleaning payment as an undocumented cash disbursement. They claimed it indicated fraud and were notifying Sadie that a seven year audit of both the City Kitchen, and her personally, will commence in ninety days. It was the second time I had seen Sadie cry. This time it was on my shoulder. It took a few minutes to return to work.

The City Kitchen's fundraising banquet was a week prior to the new audit. The pressure mounting on Sadie showed in her face. She couldn't stall the banquet, its proceeds are necessary to keep the kitchen open.

"They're going to ruin me," Sadie said with surprisingly calm, "maybe this was all meant to end." I saw the signs of depression setting in. I knew them well.

"Only if you let them." I avoided the word 'we.' It was hard not to try to make it our problem. It felt like it was ours.

"I'm going to need you if I fight," Sadie said as she stopped chopping celery and looked up at me. I tied off the garbage bag I had just pulled it out of the can and smiled with confidence. She needed the support.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." I watched her lips curve into a malicious grin as she went back to the celery. The knife moved with blazing speed. I think she was imagining IRS fingers as she chopped.

Sadie woke me early the next morning. She handed me the morning paper. There was a small article in the bottom right of the front page. 'Promise Keeper Alive?' was the heading.

"They say there were movements in your accounts," Sadie said quietly. There was no one else here so I wasn't sure why she was almost whispering. "They are requesting you come forward."

"I paid some bills the other day," I whispered back. It was contagious, the whispering. "I guess they were monitoring the accounts." I read the article and, as Sadie had said, a detective Berkhard was asking me to come forward and claim my wallet. "I'm not ready to go back. Not with that singing thing." For some reason, I didn't like being forced back into society. I was planning to drift back slowly. Sadie sat on the edge of the cot.

"You can hide as long as you need." She took the newspaper back. "Forever if you need to." Amber would have loved Sadie. Amber never let the world tell her what to do. She made up her own mind and then steered the world to it. I saw a lot of that drive in Sadie. I just needed to get the IRS out of her way so she could live her life, her way.

"Thank you," I responded, and meant it. Sadie's eyes sparkled as she rose.

"We have work to do," Sadie stated. It wasn't lost on me that she used the word 'we.' I jumped out of bed. There were people to feed and an IRS audit to thwart.

A week before the banquet, my beard had finally come into its own. Sadie hated it, but endured it for my anonymity. She gave me a trimmer so I would at least keep it groomed. I had spent countless hours going over Sadie's tax returns. There were no glaring errors. Nothing that would even hint at fraud. I was confident the witch hunt would end the next week. The IRS has a lot of power, but would still have to defend themselves in court if need be.

Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the next bomb to drop. Sadie and I were standing at the head of the line, monitoring the dining hall when a large gentleman in jeans, red shirt and cowboy hat pushed his way to the front. Sadie moved quickly, her glare set to dagger mode.

"You must be new." Sadie stated the obvious and moved to block the cowboy from moving forward. I moved in next to her, thinking she looked awfully small next the large man.

"Sadie Millstead?" the man asked with little politeness.

"Yes, and your name?" Sadie responded with an equal lack of charm. The man handed her an envelope.

"You've been served." The cowboy smiled and headed out the door. Sadie's shoulders slumped, then her back straightened again. She moved back to allow the rest of the line through, gritting her teeth.

"Can you keep your eyes on things, Frank?" Sadie asked with false calm. I nodded and she headed off to the office. She didn't return.

When the meal ended I started the cleanup process without Sadie. When everyone was assigned a task I went to the office, my temporary home, looking for her. I found her asleep on the cot. Sadie's eye sockets were blushed red and sunken. I quietly moved to the desk where a stapled set of papers lay. The top sheet had a few small crinkled spots where wetness had dried. Tears.

I picked up the papers and read. I felt my throat knot at the first few paragraphs. A class action lawsuit filed by a donor claiming fraud. There were twenty some pages of legal language and the citing of precedents. Both the City Kitchen and Sadie were at risk. These people, whoever they were, were not going to stop with a fraudulent IRS audit. Sadie was right, they were going to ruin her.

I sat on the floor and watched Sadie sleep. I wanted to wake her and tell her it was going to be okay, but that would only make it worse for her. In the end, she was innocent and would prevail. I just didn't know when the end would arrive. The lawyers she needed to hire would most likely charge enough to send everything into a financial tailspin.

I rose, opened the file cabinet and retrieved the donor book for three years ago. I turned to the page with Amber's name and ran my finger across it. Amber saw something in this place, something in need of support. There was no way I was going to let Amber or Sadie down, not while I was breathing. Defense was no longer an option.