The Safe Girl Ch. 03

I glanced at Jess and her sympathetic fully engaged eyes. She gave me a sweet smile. "I would have liked to have met her."

I smiled. "She would have loved you."

Her eyebrows shot up, a little surprised. I am not sure why she would be surprised as it only makes sense that the woman I loved completely would also love Jess. "Why? What would she have loved about little ole me?" She batted her eyelashes in an over exaggerated fashion, doing her best Scarlet O'Hara impersonation.

"Well . . . Has anyone ever called you spunky to your face?"

"Nope!" She grinned.

"Interesting. . Anyway, your personality. You are fun. Oh and you are sweet. You care about others. It shows in all that you do." I smiled at her and she returned it, liking the little string of compliments. So I continued.

"She would love your positive outlook, your unbridled optimism, your enthusiasm for all things big and small." I turned from looking at her and her pretty smile to stare off as I thought it through. "She would have loved how you notice small things, how you cock your head when you go into analysis mode. Pretty adorable." She laughed with me. "She would have laughed with you when you scheduled out every moment of your day." She feigned shock at this point. "Your gestures. Your small bouts of bossiness." She pretended to be hurt here, but her smile was just huge, so it definitely did not work out at all. "Your interest in others. It's who you are really." I kind of got lost in the moment, my mind racing through it all.

"Your drive. Your work ethic. Your excellent outlook on life. She would have loved how goal oriented you are, but that you could still be convinced to drop it all off for a speedo-laden beach trip." I heard her giggle in the background as I closed my eyes, thinking. I tried to picture Jess and Diane actually meeting. "She would have thought that you were beautiful, smart, clever. She would have loved your laugh, your smile, the glint in your eye when you get excited, the smirk on your lips."

My mind raced through images and thoughts of Jess. How she made me feel. What she did to me. "She would have loved your soft embraces, your gentleness, your sweetness, your little mannerisms. She would have loved to care for you, comfort you." My voice dropped as I kept on. "She would have loved sitting with you on the couch, massaging your tired puppies. She would have loved the honor of tucking you in at night, kissing your cheek without you even knowing it. She would have loved your murmurings in your sleep, the glint of a smile moving along your lips." I kept my eyes closed, all else forgotten around me.

"She would have loved the way you are. Who you are. How you are just simply a beautiful woman inside and out. That you are pretty much perfect." I think at this point to say I was in my own little world would have been a major understatement.

"She would have especially loved your heart, Jess, that there is so much room for others." I paused one more time. "She would have loved you, Jess."

And then I opened my eyes and I turned to her, having this satisfied feeling. I think I must have felt great relief that I could get it all out . . What makes Jess so wonderfully Jess.

Jess's reaction was quite different. Her eyes were wide and staring, tears rolling down her cheeks. I couldn't tell if she was scared or upset or what. Why would this upset her . ..?

Holy Shit.

This was the moment that I realized three things: 1) the meticulously crafted genius plan was worth practically nothing. And 2) Diane would have loved Jess because I loved Jess. Simple. Actually that is not quite right. I loved Jess and I WAS IN love with Jess. And 3), and this is the hardest one of all, I had to stop this before it went any further for me. For her. For us.

"She . . . would have . . . loved me?" She was whispering. She obviously could tell when it moved from what I imagined Diane liking to what I was feeling. I was so ridiculously transparent. And now it was out in the open.

It was one thing to have your former professor to find you sexually attractive and enjoy the lust of the situation. Maybe that would be flattering. But I could tell in her eyes that she knew that it was much deeper.

And I could tell that there was something budding there for her too. I could see it right there in her eyes. In her lips. I had seen her look before. Diane carried that look with me. It was a mix of adoration and wanting. She was falling for me.

"I. . yes. . sorry Jess. . . " I tried to stand up but my legs would not cooperate, her eyes never leaving me. I started an explanation about three more times. The conversation needed to be breached. But maybe it wasn't possible at that moment. Her eyes were locked on mine, she seemingly was as incapable as I was at forming a response.

"Jess . . . " She leaned forward. Don't do that Jess. I can't resist it. Holy shit. Yep, I can't. I reached out and cupped her cheek, her skin warm beneath my palm. I wanted to touch every inch of her. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling my fingertips. I felt the hot connection between us. I wanted to taste her, feel her, consume her. I wanted to feel her against me. Two puzzle pieces connecting. I felt drawn to her. My fingers were moving on their own accord.

I looked at her sweet face. Vulnerable. Wanting. Fresh and sweet. She wanted this. Almost as badly as I did.

I leaned forward, my mind screaming no and my heart cheering me on. I closed my eyes, my other hand cupping her other cheek, holding her face still. My lips stopped within inches, our breath intermingling. I desperately wanted to connect.

'Stephen . . . ." She whispered. I silenced her as my lips grazed against hers, soft brushing, I wanted this moment to last a life time, maybe two.

I could feel the warmth between my fingers. Her lips parted against mine, her breathing ragged, mine even more so. She actually whimpered against my lips. Oh God. My tongue tasted her mouth, the tip of my tongue running along her lips as we pressed gently against one another. She was giving herself to me.

Slow kissing, savoring. I felt like time stopped and nothing else mattered, just the feel of her beneath my fingers and against my lips.

I have never felt such barely controlled passion, not since. . Diane. Diane. Not since the love of my life. Not since she was taken from me. Not since my heart was torn into two. Not since I vowed to never let it happen again. Oh God! No. No no no no no! This cannot be. No.

I pulled away, my hands dropping. Her eyes shot open and she looked into mine, trying to understand what I was doing. I didn't know either. My mind and my heart waged an internal war and my mind currently had the upper hand. I wanted in but I needed out.

"Jess, I can't . . . " My hands were shaking.

"Stephen . . ."

"Jess, we can't . . . I am . . sorry. . . I can't do this . . . "

"W . . .why . . .?"

'Jess . . . " I was moving away from her on the couch. Her fingers started reaching out for mine, trying to keep me with her.

"Did I . . did I do something wrong? What is . .wrong?" Her voice broke as she spoke. She was pleading.

She looked hurt. She looked scared. I was feeling both of those things too. I shook my head, "No. . it's. . no . .I just can't . . . it's not . . . "

How could I tell her that I was falling in love with her, but that scared the fucking shit out of me? How could I explain that my heart was nearly completely owned by hers, but that the thought of losing someone else, someone I desperately loved. . . That I couldn't. That I can't. That I won't. I let this go way too far. Damn me. I was such a fool. She was supposed to be the safe girl, but she was anything but safe.

I let her grab my hands. I held them. My heart was hurting, but I knew that it would be much worse later. Tears were streaming down her precious cheeks. She was confused, and hurt, and even looked desperate. I held both of her hands between mine and then slowly let them go.

Her fingers slipped from mine. It felt so final, like I was completely letting go. And that was when the tears fell for me. I knew right then what I was doing was already hurting her, and much more. But it was necessary. The pain now was part of the safety later. I needed safety. I stood quickly and moved towards the door.

"Stephen . . ." She said my name, laced with urgency.

"I am sorry Jess. I have to go." I turned to see her hurt and bewildered on the couch, staring. I backed to the door and let myself out. And I closed the door on the apartment. And on her too.

+++++++++++

She called me twice and sent me three texts before I responded. I didn't want to ignore her, but I didn't know what to say.

'Stephen - please call me. please'

'Stephen - text me back. lets talk.'

'please!'

I finally wrote back.

'Jess, I am so very sorry. I will be back later. We will talk but I need some time to process.'

She didn't respond. I walked around. I actually couldn't tell you where I was going or where I went. My motor function went into auto-pilot, my legs carrying me to unknown and unimportant locations as I completely resided in my mind.

I had to get out of this. I had to protect Jess too. . . I needed to end it all now so that it wasn't worse later.

My mind went into problem solving mode. That mode is easier than the one where I am watching myself push away a woman that I wanted and needed. Maybe I could stay somewhere else for awhile. She could keep the apartment. I had a few friends, my brother. I just needed a couch and a place to take a shower. Heck I could live in my office and shower at the campus gym.

Jess, would have to eventually find another place to be. Maybe 3-6 months apart would do the trick. Then we could restart a more separated friendship. Could we ever be friends? God, the thought of never speaking to her again was scary as hell. But I couldn't string her emotions through all of this. That would be cruel. And heartless. And I lo.. cared too much about her to do that.

She probably is merely infatuated, but for her to even be slightly interested in me, which was pretty obviously the case now, means that I had to be very cognizant of her feelings here. She needed time for the break, the move on time period, and finally finding some young studly guy who makes more sense for her. Some guy with amazing abs and a winning smile who could make her happy. And me insanely jealous. But I could get through it. It was for the good after all. For both of us.

That's the new plan: minimize contact for now, give her space, give her time to move on, try to rekindle some friendship with her if at all possible. It's not what I wanted but it was what was needed. I didn't need to write it into some dumb-ass official document and hide it on my computer. We were in survival mode.

I somehow ended up back in the apartment at 2:00 am. I quietly opened the door, having taken my shoes off in the hall so as to not awaken her walking around. The moonlight shown through the uncovered window right onto Jess, laying on the couch.

She was sound asleep. She always slept deeply but I was careful just in case. I snuck up next to her, a half empty box of tissues and her phone on the floor next to the couch, her hands folded under her head per usual, her legs curled up as she breathed deeply. She was wearing my shirt again. Nope. That's her shirt. She looks so amazing in it. That's just one of several things that used to belong to me that now belong to her. The tears started up again for me. I just watched her sleep peacefully.

By no choice of my own I found my fingers brushing the hair away from her face, her eyes looked a little red around the edges, the skin on her face nearly glowing in the soft moonlight. I actually choked back the tears. Letting her go was going to nearly kill me but at least this time I had the choice.

I gently slid my arms under her, carrying her quietly back to her room. I placed her in her bed, pulled up the comforter and gently kissed her cheek. She murmured in her sleep. Was that a tiny smile? My tears fell onto her skin before I could move away quick enough.

I returned to my room and laid on my bed. I didn't sleep. At 5:30 am I got up before Jess, quietly got ready, and wrote a quick note (six times before the final copy) to Jess and placed it on the counter before slipping out the door.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

J -

Heading into work early. I know we need to talk. We will. Still working it all out. Just know that I care so much about you. Please have a good day today and I will see you tonight.

- S

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

I went to my office and just stared for awhile. Jess had sent a text to me shortly after 6: 'I missed seeing you this morning.' I wrote back immediately 'me too.' It is amazing how so much emotion can go behind a text that really just does not get conveyed.

One class, some office hours and some more very unproductive time later I eventually made my way back home. She had sent a second text saying that she would be home by 4:30 and would love to see me. I told her I would be there. I had decided that complete transparent brutal honesty was the best path before me. She would understand that a broken man was no good for her. I couldn't give her what she needed. I hoped she would understand. I really needed her to.

I stepped off the elevator at around 4:30 and slipped into the apartment. She wasn't home yet. I decided to clean as that usually calmed me. Still no show at 5, so I sent her a quick text to make sure she was ok. She sometimes ran a little late. No response which was unusual.

I started dinner up, fixing a chicken dish that I knew she loved. If this was going to be a final meal together then I wanted it to be what she loved.

5:45 she still wasn't there so I called. No answer. Odd. Another text: 'J - are you ok? still coming home? no pressure, just let me know you are ok. please.' No response.

6:30 - 2 more phone calls and a text unanswered.

7:15 - 3 more calls, 2 texts. I am feeling very panicky so I head into her room. Maybe she packed and left town? I shouldn't be surprised, but it was definitely not Jess to leave without any words. Everything was still neatly organized in her room. All looked ok. She couldn't have left.

8:00 - 2 more calls. I then called the restaurant and talked to Jim, her boss. "Sure, she left around 4 pm like usual. That girl is predictable, am I right?" He was joking but I had no time. I just said thanks and bye quickly.

Ok, now what? I grabbed my keys and headed towards the door. Maybe I could trace the route between the apartment and the restaurant. God please be ok. Then my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but answered quickly in case her phone died and she was at a gas station or something. Her work was not that far away but it would still be a long walk.

"Hello?"

"Hello, are you a friend of a woman named Jessica Foster?"

"Uh. . yes. . who am I speaking to? Is she ok?"

"I am Office Janet Lerner. I am currently sitting next to her at Brandonson Regional Hospital in the Intensive Care Unit. Who am I speaking to?"

"I will be there in 15 minutes!" I hung up on her and ran. Shit.

And I felt my world crumbling around me for the second time in my life.