Warehouse 13/OUAT: Double Date

"Your mortal sin."

"Oh, yes. When I was very young, I was in love."

"Ha!" Helena cried, followed by: "Sorry."

"No, no—you have to understand, in my world, such things weren't so... laughable. He was my soulmate. He died because of Snow White. I vowed revenge."

Helena's eyebrow peaked. "Seems you're the good guy in all this."

"Did I mention Snow was, oh—nine?"

"Ah. Went a little mad, did we? I'm not judging."

"Yes. It's comfortable, isn't it? Being mad."

Helena was noncommittal. "Grows tiresome," was all she would say on the subject.

"I take it you've been a crusader for good of sorts?" Helena nodded. "Then you know how hard it is for evil to catch a break. She got a husband, friends, my kingdom—she had it all. So I cast a spell that would teleport all of them here, where I was their beloved ruler and they all suffered hellish, ironic fates, living false lives as ordinary earthbound citizens."

Helena's head tilted. "Ingenious."

"Thank you."

"And they think it was your choice? To do all that?"

Regina was confused now. "I made it gladly."

"One thing I've learned. There are times when my madness makes the choices for me. At other times, it is simply a matter of controlling my madness."

"I hadn't thought of it that way. Intriguing proposition. Somewhat self-serving."

"Who else is going to serve us? Who else is going to forgive us but ourselves?"

Holding her glass by the lip, Regina tapped her middle finger on the rim. "That brunette, what was her name? Myka? She didn't seem as... confident... in her fear of you. In fact, when she looked at you—when she didn't restrain herself from doing so—her gaze was rather warm."

"Ancient history," Helena said dismissively.

"History I'd very much like to revisit, if I were in your shoes."

"You're not so bereft of attention to envy me." Helena leaned forward. "Emma Swan. I recall her name quite clearly."

"The dear thing despises me, and rightly so."

"Please. I could taste the fondness coming off her. She fancies you."

Regina's face became a sneer. "Says the woman who insists Myka Bering has washed her hands of her."

"She could never forgive me—she has someone else—"

"True love has a way of cutting through entanglements. Annoyingly so."

"Really? Then when Emma breaks down the door to ravish you on the floor, shall I go or stay and watch?"

"I've lived too long to believe that happening as even a once in a lifetime thing."

"This sounds like the beginning of a wager."

Regina leaned back in her chair. "You remind me of an old friend. She turned into a dragon and I had her killed, but before that, we were quite close. Very well. The bet?"

"You have nothing I want."

"You have nothing I want. So, simply the sport and satisfaction of being right."

Helena clasped her hands together. "Thank the Lord for our egos. Otherwise—what unsatisfying stakes."

"The terms?"

"Our respective paramours. We visit them and engage with them. If your Emma responds, I win. If my Myka responds, you win."

"Betting on whether beautiful maidens have feelings for us. How despicable."

"Positively devilish. Cheers."

They toasted, their glasses making a small clink together in the quiet night.

***

Pete stood in the back alley of the diner, by an old abandoned couch and a broken-down motorcycle, nursing a candy cigarette. Recently he found out they still made those, you just had to order them online. He'd gotten about a thousand in the mail and fit parcels of them into an antique cigarette case for trips. He looked so cool. Soon, he'd go inside for some pie, once the afterglow had faded. He knew how good smalltown people were at knowing when you'd got some.

That's when he noticed the big wolf prowling toward him. He'd seen it at the blockade and assumed it was just a police dog. Now he realized how big it was. It was—really big. Like a dog-horse for normal dogs to ride.

"Easy..." Pete said, raising his hands slowly. "Nice doggie... nice... nice..."

He was just about to go for his Tesla when the wolf started barking. Pete froze, deciding paralysis was the better part of valor.

"Yes, yes, I agree completely," he babbled.

The wolf stopped abruptly, growling almost self-deprecatingly, then it was gone. In its place was a girl. A girl not wearing clothes. A girl Pete really appreciated not wearing clothes.

"I said," she said, "if you're up to something or if you hurt Belle in any way, I am going to eat you! I don't have a taste for human flesh, but it doesn't taste as bad as all that!"

Pete gently folded his arms, a hand propping under his chin, automatically becoming a British gentleman as one did when very confused. "We're really just here to help, naked werewolf lady girl."

"The name's Ruby," Ruby said, folding her arms across her chest, hiding her breasts, which provoked a small moan of dismay from Pete—something like a dog whining for a treat. "You're lucky Giselle vouched for you. That's all I'm saying. And don't even think of dissecting me!"

"Hey, hey now, I like your skin just fine the way it is!"

Ruby looked down at her own naked form as if just remembering she'd transformed sans cloak. Seeing that her legs were acceptably shaved, she looked back up. "You just watch it!"

"No problem there, Rubes. But hey, I'd hate to make you feel underdressed, so—" Pete took his shirt off. He was pretty good at it. Even Myka thought so. He still had pretty good moves from the Chippendale's thing in college.

Ruby looked him over, lowering her crossed arms a little, not caring if he could now once again see the color of her nipples. "Not bad."

Pete was also a master of flexing without looking like he was flexing. "Yeah, no one appreciates how hard it is to get in a good core work-out on a government salary."

"Not your pecs. Think lower."

Pete looked lower. "Oh, sorry. I have a thing for werewolves. I'm Team Jacob all the way."

"You're still overdressed, though."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll help with that."

The next thing Pete knew, cloth was ripping. "UMMMM—"

"Don't get the wrong idea. You're not that charming. It's just that I'm in heat and everyone else in this town I'll have to face for the rest of my life. But you're going to move on in the morning like a traveling salesman, aren't you?"

"If not sooner!"

"And don't take this the wrong way, but you smell really good. Really sexy. Almost like—" Ruby cocked her head suddenly to the side. "Do you read a lot?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

He wasn't lying. She hadn't specified books, after all.

***

No matter how cozy the room Granny had put her up in was, Myka couldn't get comfortable. Times like these, settling into a new place, she always thought of Leena and the B&B. Leena had just had this way of putting you at ease. It wasn't anything she did, it was just—without her, a place was just a glorified Motel 6.

Sighing, Myka took out a Dictaphone. The room was generously furnished with an antique writing desk, and she did enjoy perching her laptop on it as she filled out reports on the Artifacts they'd collected. She played Belle's description of a particular colander as she translated it into Artie-ese for the report.

Her phone soon rang, though a look at the clock told her it was fifty minutes later and she'd completed reports on a dozen Artifacts. Time sure flies, she thought to herself as she picked up.

"Myka!" Pete said. "It's Pete. Mykes, this town is full of nymphomaniacs! The hot kind! I'm calling our relationship on account of suddenly having game, which you knew could happen. You've gotta get in on this! I've seen more naked cartoon characters in the last two hours than I have on Reddit. On Reddit, Myka!"

"You can't break up with me! I already broke up with you!" Myka replied, just as there was a knock at the door. "Hold on, I've got a call on the—real life."

"Yeah, I gotta go, I think Rapunzel is into me." He hung up.

"Slut!" Myka tucked her phone away and went to the door.

After she opened it, she just stood there, gawking for a second. Helena was beautiful, of course—possibly the most elegant, exquisite woman Myka had ever met—but Myka was at least used to her. Regina was just—Myka looked up and down, eyes hovering at the deep cleavage exposed by a lethal combination of open blazer and low-cut wrap top, her coat off and draped on one arm. Her sight was only drawn away by Regina's long, luscious legs, trimmed in nearly skintight linen, standing slightly parted in a pose that was all the more alluring for how it wasn't trying to be. She projected sheer power and it was beautiful.

Myka herself had taken off her suit jacket, leaving her in a purple blouse and slacks—too professional to be flattering, but they did nothing to detract from her looks. HG wore a tight cotton top that laced between her breasts too tightly to leave doubt about the existence of her bra. Her pants similarly white and just tight enough to be immodest without being crude. If she turned around, Myka imagined the view would be spectacular.

"You must be Myka," Regina said, stepping forward to put an arm around Myka's shoulders. "And what an exquisite creature you are. May I use your washroom? Helena has something she'd like to say to you, privately."

"Yeah. Sure."

Regina disappeared into the recesses of the apartment, Myka unable to resist watching her go. She wondered if that wiggle was deliberate or if it just—happened.

She refocused on Helena. "Tell me you two aren't—"

"No, no, we just had a few drinks. Nothing happened."

"Good," Myka said, then wished she could take it back. How was it good or bad if Helena did or didn't have relations with Regina? She didn't care. Helena could go back to Nate, for all she cared. "What do you want?" she asked, trying to avoid sounding aggressive, coming off weary instead.

Helena seemed fixed on the spot, trapped like a deer in headlights, but she forced herself inside the room, closing the door behind her. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then was quick to sit down. Settled, rooted in place, she was finally able to respond. "I've been thinking."

"You're good at that."

"Thanks. This town—these people—they're all stories."

"Helena, it's late. I have work."

"No, listen—everyone around us, they all have these stories told about them. Not just one a piece, either! Some have dozens, hundreds of stories growing from them. It's extraordinary, isn't it? To meet a living story."

"Yes. I suppose it is." Myka gave in to the connection between them, at least a little, sitting down across from Helena on a wicker chair. "But I've met one before."

Helena grinned bashfully. "Perhaps these might live up to expectations."

"You never let down my expectations. Dr. Moreau, the Invisible Man, Cavor—you're all of them rolled into one."

"I should've written more heroes, then."

"You're not a book, HG. You can't be a 'scientific romance' all the time."

"I can try. I should've tried." She looked at Myka—looked at her, seeing magnificence, divinity, passion. "It's not my story. Not anymore. It's ours. And this ending, us drifting away, us becoming pals or best buds—" She spat the terms with derision. "It won't do. We are an epic, Myka. Lives lost, souls fought for, speeches given and music played. We don't just come to a stop like some anecdote. We go on. We put Beowulf and Gilgamesh to shame with our adventures. We die clutching a dragon's heart."

Myka was not unaffected. How could she be? She'd dreamed of this—Helena professing her love, finally, unequivocally. Not some warm gesture or risqué one-liner, but actually saying how she felt. What she needed.

But it'd been a long time. And she wasn't quite that person anymore. Maybe she never had been. "What if I want easy?"

"Pete was easy. Did that satisfy you? Just—letting 'love' happen? I'm not saying you won't have to fight for me, Myka. I'm saying I'll fight for you just as hard."

"I'm tired of being in a fight, Helena."

"Then you should stop being worth fighting for."

"Oh my God, this is like watching a Mexican soap opera. No, worse. Like watching The L Word."

Regina stepped out of the bathroom. Stark naked. She wore nothing but a thong. She didn't want them to think she was too immodest, after all.

Myka gaped. Regina's body was insanity. She'd seen Helena naked and still, she was floored. It just seemed impossible that someone could come that close to perfection. Close, hell... Myka couldn't find a single flaw on her. She didn't think even Perez Hilton could. Beside her, she heard Helena give a soft gurgle. Nice to know they were in agreement.

"Helena, let me do you a small favor, one villain to another. Myka, if you're naked in the next thirty seconds, I'll have sex with you. Both of you. Thirty-one seconds, offer's off the table. Am I clear? Good. The clock has started—tick-tock."

Helena, a certified genius, rose both eyebrows. She looked over Regina. She saw the look of sudden, shocked desire in Myka's eyes. She pondered the scenario, calculated the possible outcomes, and almost instantaneously decided that, as was so often the case, the wisest course of action was the one that resulted in the most physical pleasure for her.

She began to undress, slowly drawing the laces of her shirt from their eyelets. "Well, I can't rightly expect a better offer than that."

Myka, shocked into inaction, was shocked once more into taking offense. "You can't be serious!"

Helena took off her shirt. Her nipples had been prominent enough through the thin material; now it was impossible for Myka to look at anything else. "I never make a joke of sex. Men do that often enough."

"I am not going to have a threesome with my ex-girlfriend and a virtual stranger just because she looks good naked!"

Regina was affronted. "I look great naked. Twenty seconds."

Helena peeled off her trousers, her long ivory legs bared all the way up to a pair of silk panties. Now Myka couldn't take her eyes off those. "When you look back on your life, what story is there in not having a threesome with Regina Mills?"

"I don't even know her!"

"You don't," Helena agreed.

"She's evil! Kinda!"

Regina inclined her head in agreement. "Ten seconds."

"And you and me, we have to build trust and work on our communication and decide what we want out of a relationship—"

"Five seconds," Regina said, idly picking up her coat.

"—we haven't even decided if we want a dog—oh, hell..." Myka threw herself into a kiss with Helena, who eagerly reciprocated until it was too much for even her and they fell to the bed. Regina rolled her eyes at the sudden obliviousness to her—she thought she'd never stop being annoyed by true love—but when she climbed next to Myka opposite Helena, she was welcomed eagerly enough.

Helena unbuttoned Myka's shirt as they kissed, while Regina briefly kissed her neck before moving down to tug off Myka's slacks, leaving her thighs spread for her to lie between. She left her panties on, running a finger over their crotch, enjoying the electric feel of Myka's warmth through the dampening fabric. Myka squealed lightly into Helena's mouth.

Regina folded Myka's panties down, just low enough to give her cunt a taste of the air conditioner's cool stream, and then she pressed her mouth to the pungent beginnings of wetness. Myka was left gasping, unable to continue her passionate liplock with Helena.

"Now that is a delectable specimen," Regina mused, eying Helena more than Myka. "And you mean to tell me that it's gone months without being tasted by another woman? What a waste..." She slid her hand under Myka's ass and began to free her panties.

"I've never done anything like this before!" Myka gasped as Helena sought to devour her pulse right from her neck. "Helena and I—we knew each other for a long time before we had sex! We went on several dates! I was really sort of a prude-!"

"Yes, yes—" Regina worked Myka's panties down long, slender thighs. "You're a very good girl. All the better for us to corrupt..."

She held out the soaked panties to Regina, who obligingly savored their scent like a wine connoisseur being served a fresh glass. "I think that's gotten even better since the last time..."

"Would you care to-?" Regina asked, running her hands up Myka's bare legs, up to her bare groin.

"No, I insist. You've never had a go, after all."

"Just as long as someone fucking—AH!!"

Myka cried out as Regina's hands finally made their way to her crotch, parting her labia and then being followed by her face—buried in Myka's sex. Her eyes fluttered closed as Helena lovingly opened her undone shirt, equally lovingly undid her bra, and then very lovingly bit down on a large, hard nipple.

"Ooooooo-!" Myka forced her eyes open. She stared at Helena like she was seeing the center of the universe. "No, no—you—come up here!"

Helena took her meaning. As fun as it was to inflict pleasure of Myka, it was equally enjoyable to receive it. She crawled supplely over Myka's body, drawing her flesh over Myka's, tantalizingly slow as she finally brought herself up to dangled her breasts over Myka's face. Myka was quick to close her lips around an offered nipple; her hand were even faster as they went to stroke Helena's face and hair. And all the while, Regina was busily eating Myka's pussy, bent over the bed so Emma Swan could see only the bare cheeks of her ass, the string of her tiny thong pulled tight between them.

***

Emma had only gone to the bed and breakfast to get a feel for Myka Bering. She'd had no idea two other women had such similar ideas.

She'd been prepared for a slow evening of getting to know the new arrival, probing her, maybe having some feminine bonding—stop that, she thought to herself. When she'd heard the strange noises inside, she'd been quick to act... but she'd cautioned herself against acting rashly. That had backfired often enough in her dealings with Regina. Instead, she would be smart. Hook had confided to her that the place's old-fashioned locks actually let you look inside the rooms if the guest didn't flip down the covers, something few modern people thought to do.

God, Regina was right, what had she ever seen in Hook? Even for a quick orgasm with another person, there was no call to embarrass herself. She was a princess. Grace Kelly was a princess, did you ever see her in a movie sucking face with someone who smelled like he had a part-time job as a barroom's carpet?

So she'd knelt in front of the door, put her eye to the lock—yes, very dignified behavior for a princess, and seen—

Well, she wasn't sure what she saw. It looked like three incredibly attractive women, two of them out-of-towners, all naked, having sex with each other.

But Emma couldn't be sure. She'd better keep watching, just to be certain. If she couldn't make out what they were doing in, oh, half an hour, she'd leave.

***

A wild moan ripped its way out of Myka from deep inside, finally burying itself in Helena's breast. Helena held her lover tight to her chest, stroking her hair with all its lovely, decadent curls. They all knew she was close.

"That's it, darling," she hummed. "Come for us—let us see you ignite."

"Then give me your fingers." Myka was moaning more than she was speaking. "Nothing makes me come like those long, perfect—" She broke off to suck Helena's thumb into her mouth, only relinquishing it slowly from between her lips.

Helena reached down, got a firm grip on Regina's hair, and simply yanked her off of Myka. Then she turned the two of them so they were lying on their sides, locked in another kiss, making Myka feel the heat of her sex alone before she delved into it with her cool, salving fingers.