A Heart Divided Ch. 06

I didn't answer at first. I think I had been hoping she would just give up on me and leave. I think I had been expecting that anyway, and it would have meant that I didn't have to make a hard choice. But it seemed like Lynn was serious, like she genuinely wanted to make this work. I never expected her to fight for our marriage.

"Are you sure, Lynn? Is it really worth it?"

"Haven't you been listening to me, Gareth? Since I got back, that's all I've been saying. This is what I want- you, us- it may have taken me too long to figure that out, but yes, it's worth whatever it takes."

"What if I told you it was too late, that it wasn't worth it to me?"

Softly, she said, "Then I would work my ass off to change your mind. But I don't think that's the case, Gareth. I don't think you're done. You've kept your ring on the whole time. You haven't changed the house, you haven't even taken down our pictures. I know it's hard on you, and I know I've hurt you, but I don't think you're done with us, just like I wasn't done when I left."

"That's another thing," I said, pointing my fork at her. "You still haven't told me why you left, or why everything was so messed up for months before you did leave. I think before we can talk about counseling we should at least get that out in the open."

She dabbed the corners of her mouth with a napkin and took a drink. "It's complicated, Gare. I don't think there was just one reason. And some of it had nothing to do with you...directly at least."

"If it made you leave me, I would say it had a hell of a lot to do with me."

"What's happened to you, Gareth? You're...something's changed about you. You're...confident. Self-assured."

I was surprised by her comment, and I thought for a second about how Lynn had always had the reigns in our marriage. Because of my insecurities and my fear of abandonment, I clung to her, I tried to please her, I always deferred to her. But now, with Gina in my life, I didn't look to Lynn for that acceptance and belonging. It gave me the freedom to be strong. If Lynn left, I wasn't alone.

"Don't avoid the question, Lynn."

"Sorry...I'm just not used to you talking to me like this. You're...stronger."

"Look, if you're going to change the topic..."

"OK, OK...What was I saying? Oh yeah...there was a lot going on. And was starting to question if I even wanted to be married anymore. I wasn't even sure if it was marriage in general that was bothering me or our marriage in particular. But I was feeling trapped and upset...And then I would feel guilty...because I knew you were being good to me, even though I didn't deserve it. And since I was withdrawing, I felt bad that you were still chasing me, and that just made me pull away more."

"That's...that's messed up Lynn...that doesn't even make sense."

"I know, but that's where I was- I was so confused, and I blamed you, and then I felt guilty like I didn't deserve you, and then I just thought I wasn't cut out for marriage.

"It would have been good to talk about this at the time, don't you think? I could have told you how I felt."

"But don't you understand? That would have made it worse. You would have been so kind and gracious and I would have pushed you away because of it."

"Seriously, Lynn. That's messed up."

"I know, I know. While I was gone, I went to see a counselor or a therapist or something. A friend of a friend who was starting a small practice. And we talked through my family history. You know about my parents."

"I know your mom, I've heard stories about your dad."

"Exactly. He ran off. And I think I'm always afraid that our marriage will go that way- one day you'll just be gone."

"And so you solve that by leaving me first?" I asked sarcastically.

"Yes. That's how it gets twisted in my mind. And I tell myself that maybe I'm just like him- that I can't be married, I can't handle a family, I deserve to be alone, like he ended up."

"Lynn, you know that's not true." Despite my best efforts, I was softening. I wouldn't say Lynn had good reasons to leave, but I was starting to understand that it wasn't just black and white.

"I had been having those thoughts for a while- since even before we got married. But I tried and tried to pretend everything was OK. And you never gave me a reason to question your love..."

"Well, I had my own issues that contributed to that. It wasn't always love so much as fear and insecurity."

"I know, Gareth. I understand that better than you realize."

"Then you should have known what your leaving did to me! What it was like to wait and wait and wonder what I had done wrong. To feel totally worthless and unloved and alone!" I was agitated, hitting the table to emphasize my words.

"I'm so, so sorry Gareth!"

"I don't care! Nine months, Lynn. Nine...fucking...months! You could have died and I wouldn't have known! You...you...you could have had a baby in that time!"

"Or lost one," she said softly.

"What?"

"I lost a baby, Gareth." Her voice was trembling, but stoic.

I had stood up when I was yelling. I slumped down into my chair, staring at her eyes that wouldn't look at me.

"My baby?"

She seemed hurt by that and looked at me with fire in her eyes. "Yes, your baby. There's never been anyone else." I winced inwardly at that.

"I was pregnant when I left, but I didn't know it. About a month later, I figured it out. I was still really confused, but I was going to come back home. I mean...a baby, right? But while I was still making arrangements...I had a miscarriage. I was so scared Gareth, I wanted you there. And then I just felt horrible, like I couldn't even get that right. I couldn't even carry your baby without killing it. I had screwed up our marriage, and now that. I felt worthless."

I sat there stunned. I wanted to hold her, to reassure her, to remind her how special and loved she was. But I was motionless. She continued.

"I had been off the pill for almost a year. I knew you wanted kids and you had been suggesting that we should start working on that. But I was always too nervous, maybe I already knew I was going to run at some point. But then I thought kids might be what I needed to strengthen this bond. So I decided to surprise you. I went off the pill and tried to time it so that I could be pregnant as a birthday surprise for you that fall. But it didn't happen. And then I thought maybe for Christmas...but that didn't happen either."

I remembered her being a little down over the holidays, disappointed and apologetic over the gifts she got me. It hadn't made sense at the time, but now...

"I think that was when something snapped. I felt like a failure- a failure as a wife. I couldn't give you that one thing, that one special thing you wanted from me. And then I started to question if I should even be married- like maybe I wasn't cut out for it. And I pictured your disappointment in me. Oh, you'd never say anything, you're too nice. But you'd hide this resentment against me, and I got angry at you for that, even though it was all in my head.

"Anyway, it snowballed from there. Sex was just a reminder of my failure. And I had convinced myself that you only loved me as a sex object and as a future mother, so I got angry. I knew it wasn't all true, but it was all just building up and building up and I wasn't happy anymore and I didn't see how I could ever be happy in our marriage or how I could ever make you happy. I thought a little time away might clear my head, but I just got more confused. And then, by February I wanted so bad to come home, but I was scared that you were gone, that it was too late..

I tried to imagine how things would have been different if Lynn had returned before Valentine's Day. Or just after...

"I'm sorry Gare, there's so much more...and I wasn't aware of most of this at the time...it's just, now that I've had time to think about it and process it with some help, I can see a lot of what was going on in my head and heart."

She had been talking for a while, and I sat there, dumbfounded. I had had no idea. I cleared my throat. "Lynn...to me you were always perfect. Seriously. I woke up every day wondering how I had ended up with you. So when you cut me off and...and got all distant...what was I supposed to think? You had found someone else, someone better? Or you were tired of me? You finally saw me for who I was and were disgusted?"

"Nooo, Gare."

"No, I'm serious. What was I supposed to think? You wouldn't talk to me, Lynn. So much of this...so much didn't have to...we could have just talked."

"It wouldn't have worked," she said, shaking her head.

"It would have been better than nothing." I stood up, feeling some of that anger return. "For all that time, you didn't act like a married woman. You shut me out of your whole life- not just the bedroom, Lynn, but everything. All that shit you were dealing with...and you never talked to me? It's like you don't respect me in the least."

"You're right...I screwed up big time. But I want to fix it."

"I don't think it can be fixed, Lynn," I said, putting dishes in the sink.

She was quiet as I put leftovers in the fridge. After a few minutes, she asked very softly, "Gareth, while I was gone...was there someone else?"

Not wanting to wait too long to answer, which would have been an obvious yes, I asked, "Could you blame me if there was?"

"I...I don't know. I thought you would wait for me."

"For how long, Lynn? How long would have been long enough? Is nine months the magic number? What about 10 months? If I didn't hear from you after 10 months, could I move on? Or a year? Five years? Did you expect me to wait forever? Keep on waiting with no word, not even a 'Hey, I'm still sorting through my messed up mind, but I'm trying to figure it out'?"

She was finally crying, after being on the verge for most of our conversation. "So there was someone else?"

"Yes. Once it seemed like you were really gone and that I wasn't going to be hearing from you again except maybe through a lawyer, yes. I started to think I should move on, since it seemed like you had a head start on that. But that's all you get to know. Even without her in the picture, I just don't know if we can work this out."

"Will you try? Will you go see the counselor with me?"

I thought about it, and I remembered that, at the very least, in our state we would need to have seen a counselor before we could proceed with a no-fault divorce, according to the lawyer I had met with.

"OK. When?"

"She said she can take us as soon as next Thursday afternoon, if you're free."

I thought through my schedule- Thursday afternoon was loosely scheduled as a planning time at my office on campus. "I can do that. What about your work?"

"I'm taking a month off...I want to be home. With you."

Those words struck me. Home...with you. That's part of what had made things hard about having Gina in the house. With Gina, it was a house. With Lynn...it was a home. She belonged there in a way that Gina didn't. I thought of the interview I had scheduled in a few weeks. I realized that if things were going to work with Gina, it couldn't be here.

*******

I had to lie to see Gina. I told Lynn about the job possibility and then said I had an initial interview scheduled for that weekend. My plan was to get away with Gina that weekend, tell Lynn it went well and that they were flying me out again two weeks later for a follow-up, when I actually was going there. Lynn wanted to come with me that weekend, but I told her I needed time alone to process everything she had dumped on me that week. I couldn't tell if she believed me.

Gina agreed to a short weekend away- driving to meet me a little ways out of town. We met at a modest hotel and went out to dinner on Friday evening. I was torn- I wanted to talk about Lynn and everything I was processing. Gina was the person I felt the closest to- my friend and lover. But this was one thing we couldn't talk about. She wanted to know, but only insofar as it affected our relationship. She didn't want or need to know all my thought processes and conflicting desires. I told her about my interview scheduled for two weeks later and about the marriage counseling that would start on Thursday.

"Well, the counseling worked so well last time, didn't it?" she joked.

"I know, I know- but this time it's Lynn that wants it, so I think it'll be different." As I said that, a thought occurred to me- what if we get the same assignment as the last time? What if she tells us we have to have sex every day for a week? Would I do it?

Shaking off that thought, I added, "Besides, if I want to go ahead with a divorce, we have to have had counseling first."

"But that's not all there is to it, right?"

I sighed. It was Gina who had first seen that I wasn't over Lynn. "Yeah, you're right. Unless you and I..."

Gina interrupted me, "DON'T...Gareth. Don't go there again. I'm not running off with you. Not while you still have unfinished business here."

We ate in silence for a few minutes. I asked, "Do you want to go out to a movie tonight?"

"Not really."

"Do you want to go take a walk...or do something?"

"I feel tired...drained. It's almost exam week and until this week I haven't been spending a lot of time on classes this semester."

"Oh. Do you want...some help?" We hadn't really talked much about classes or art- maybe it made the professor-student dynamic too real and uncomfortable.

She laughed lightly. "No, I'm not fishing for free tutoring. I'm just...not feeling like I want to do much, and I'm pretty emotional about all that's happening with you and Lynn. I just...I think I just want to go back to the room and chill."

"OK. Do you mind if I chill with you?"

She smiled. "Well, since I was thinking a good screw would help take my mind off things, then, yes, you should probably be there, too."

I quickly called for the bill.

*******

"So where does she think you are this weekend?" Gina asked, pulling down my pants after we had gotten back to our room.

"At an interview- a thousand miles away." I brushed my fingers through her hair as she knelt in front of me.

"Do you think she suspects that you're...with someone else?" Gina pulled down my briefs and started rubbing my cock with one hand.

"She knows there is someone else." Gina froze. "But that's all she knows. I told her I needed to be alone this weekend to process all that she unloaded on me."

Gina resumed her motions. "Do you?"

"Do I what?" I asked, my eyes closed and my head leaning back.

"Need time to process."

"Truthfully...yes. I was a little blindsided by some stuff. But I don't want to think about that when I'm with you." As I finished that thought, Gina's mouth went over my crown, teasing my tip with her tongue. She moved slowly up and down a few times, then pulled off to speak.

"Well that's convenient, because I was planning to use sex to help me ignore my feelings about all this, too. How about we take a few days to fuck ourselves into forgetfulness?" With that, she took me all the way into her mouth, almost wrapping her lips around my base.

"Works for me," I gasped.

******

Gina worked me up to the edge, then stopped. I once again admired her oral skills and wondered if she was quietly demonstrating what I would be missing if I chose Lynn. She stopped just short of letting me cum and stood up. I looked at her with pleading eyes.

"You're going to get me good and ready with that tongue of yours, and then you're going to be so worked up that you're going to pound me silly. I want you going crazy tonight."

I pushed myself out of the chair and just shook my head in wonder. "I have no idea what I'm getting into tonight, do I."

Gina chuckled. "Oh, you know exactly what you're getting into," she said, tapping her panties as she stepped out of her pants.

I pulled off my shirt and walked towards her, scooping her up into my arms and tossing her onto the bed. Gina squealed and laughed as I yanked her panties off. I grabbed her knees and pulled her legs wide open, giving myself unfettered access to her folds. I began with one long, aggressive lick along her slit. She took in a sharp breath as I did so and immediately put her hands on my head.

I pulled back a bit and said, eying her glistening slit, "Looks like you're good and ready."

"I'll decide when I'm good and ready," she answered, pulling my face into her pussy again. She moved her hips up and down, making it difficult for my tongue to make consistent contact. I solved that by taking her knees, which were still in my hands, and pushing them up towards her chest. With her hips tilted up and her thighs pressed to her stomach, she couldn't wiggle as much.

"Hold still, dammit!" I said in mock frustration. I tried to work slowly up and down, looping around her entrance and teasing her clit, but Gina was getting frustrated. She was pulling hard on my head, squishing my face and whimpering. After a few minutes of listening to her moans and gasps, I was worried she was going to pull out a clump of my hair.

"This isn't what you want, is it?" I asked.

"I thought it was...but it's not." She let go of my head and reached over to the nightstand drawer. Pulling out a strip of condoms, she opened one and tossed it to me.

"Hurry," was all she said. I had no inclination to argue.

I wasn't as worked up as Gina had hoped- even the few minutes trying to lick her had helped me cool off a bit. "Want me to clean my face off first?" I suggested while rolling the condom on.

"No. Fuck first. Kiss later," she said, exhaling through her nose and rubbing her hands impatiently up and down my sides. I was using my hand to get my tip securely nestled in her entrance, anticipating that breathtaking moment when I would slide into my lover's depths, when she put her hands on my cheeks and forced me to look in her eyes.

"Hard, Gareth. Hard." Her eyes were on fire, and I gave her no warning as I drove into her. I took a perverse delight in seeing the shocked expression on her face and hearing her cry out. Pausing, and hoping I hadn't crossed the line, I asked softly, "Like that?"

Gina closed her eyes and said, "Yessss...like that."

I would have preferred a gentler, more tender time together that evening, but I figured Gina had her reasons for wanting this. So I started slowly- pushing into her with forceful, spaced out thrusts. Each one made a loud smack and called forth a grunt from both of us. Gina grit her teeth and looked at me through narrowed eyes. "Yeah baby...yeah...like that. Just fuck me tonight. Make sure I feel it..." and so on.

Honestly, it wasn't my thing. The only time I really had enjoyed aggressive sex was when I was pissed off at Lynn and taking it out in a good old-fashioned grudge fuck. But those were few and far between, and I wasn't feeling anything close to that with Gina. But it felt good to be inside her and to be touching her skin as I held her around her back. I enjoyed watching her breasts shake with my thrusts and I was mostly just happy to be loving her the way she wanted to be loved right then.

"Oh my God! That feels good, baby. So full, so thick...MMf...Harder!..." Her breathing quickened, and after a few minutes, she pushed on my shoulders and said, "Roll over."

I carried her with me as I rolled onto my back. Gina put her hands on my shoulder, which was a little uncomfortable. But then she started pounding herself down onto me. I looked at her face and was struck by how pure and beautiful a woman can look while in that position. Her eyes were barely closed and her hair was frazzled around her face. Her mouth was an open smile, emitting all kinds of moans and grunts. And yet she didn't look slutty or dirty. Because everything felt so right, she looked like a goddess- striving to bring herself the highest pleasure and, consequently, letting that pleasure overflow to me.