A Joke: Surviving Armageddon

I retired to my Lazy Boy and opened a micro brew. The rich dark ale helped to ease my temper some, even though I was still really angry at the whole mess. I didn't care what they said. I KNOW what I heard. I would recognize the sound of my wife having a massive orgasm from a mile away. That keening sound she makes is unmistakable. All those years together, hearing it had been music to my ears whenever we fucked or made love. Now, just the thought of her making that sound made me sick to my stomach.

Then the hard choices started. Did I tell Eric and Patty? Of course, I had to tell them. I wouldn't let Flo make me out to be the villain in this little play.

No, the really hard question was: How do I tell my kids that all evidence so far was pointing to their mother cheating on me with a man that neither of them really liked? Yes, that's right. Flo had ignored or laughed off their concerns about Roger too, just as she'd laughed off my concerns.

We have a sense of humor in our family. We aren't a bunch of stuffed shirts, but Roger's practical jokes had been going on and on and on and on for too damned long, and had gotten increasingly lewd and just plain worse over the years. This last one, if it had even been a joke at all, had gone way over the line. This one had gone so far over that there was no coming back.

Whether or not they actually did anything, there was no way in Hell that I was going to forgive the asshole this time. Whether or not, by some miracle I took Flo back, Roger would be out of our lives one way or another. I had no doubt in my mind that if also, by some miracle Alice took him back after this one, the first time he said a word to me, I would knock his teeth down his throat.

Yes, I was THAT angry with him. I was madder than hell at the motherfuckin' son-of-a-bitch. Now, I am not the kind of guy who holds grudges. Don't mistake me for THAT guy who can never let anything go. But then imagine if it had been your "friend" and your wife that had done to you what Roger and Flo had done to me. Then you might just see where I'm coming from, here.

Well, I finally sighed and figured I might as well get the unpleasant calls over with. First up, I called Eric.

"Hey, Dad!" He greeted me.

"Hey, Buddy." I tried to be cheerful, but it just didn't fly. He could tell immediately.

"Ok, what's wrong, Dad?"

I let out another deep breath as a loud sigh. "Well, a couple of hours ago, Roger Berman was arrested for Felony Assault and Unlawful Restraint."

"Holy crap! Really?"

"Yes, really, and your mother was almost arrested along with him."

"Wait-what?! Dad, you're joking, right?! What the Hell happened?!"

So I gave him the short and Edited-for-minors edition of what had gone on, even though he was out and on his own. I pulled no punches about how I'd struggled to get free or the state of my wrists, however. Both were still bandaged, and I would need to change them soon as the blood had started to seep through.

"Oh my God! Dad, are you SURE that Mom would do that?!"

"I know what I heard, Eric. I won't go into detail, but there were tell-tale signs that they were going all the way. The cops have it all in the police report, though."

"Jesus, Dad! I can't believe that asshole managed to seduce Mom! There has to be some mistake!"

"I know what you mean, but I also know what I heard. Your mother was upstairs with him for over half an hour, and I know what I heard. There's no way in Hell that those sounds can be faked."

"Is there any chance you could be wrong?"

"Very slim, but I'll know for sure on Monday."

"Why? What's Monday?"

"That's the day the crime lab finishes with the rape kit the cops ran on your mother to prove one way or another whether or not she had sex with Roger."

Eric surprised me by laughing. "Wow! Whose idea was that? That's one way to tell for sure!"

"Mine, actually. I've seen enough Law & Order: SVU to know that they can tell a lot from one of those rape kits. Semen, pre-cum, DNA, even condom lube can be gathered by those things. One way or another, Monday is going to at least partially decide if your mother and I get Divorced."

"What do you mean by 'partially', Dad?"

"I mean that even if she didn't do it, I still might just Divorce her for the blatant disrespect and humiliation they've put me through since that asshole moved in. I've had enough, Son, and I'm tired of it all." I let my mental fatigue show as I said that last sentence. Eric was quiet for a long moment before speaking again.

"I understand, Dad. If Kenna did that to me, I would drop her like a ton of bricks." Kenna was Eric's fiancé, and a very sweet girl. I had a feeling she would never do that to Eric, but I could definitely empathize with him if she did and he decided to ditch her.

"Well, I hope she doesn't. I do want grandkids someday, and she obviously loves you."

"You're right, Dad, and I love her too."

"Good. Give her my love, and I'll talk to you later."

"Ok, Dad. Love you."

"Love you too, Son. Bye."

"Bye." He Ended the call.

I decided that I needed another beer before calling Patty. Eric, I knew would kind of understand. Patty, on the other hand, was a whole other ball of wax. She was a momma's girl, and I'd already seen Flo's sense of humor in her, even at her young age. Yeah, this wasn't going to be fun.

So after downing half of the second dark ale, I dialed Patty's number.

I was right. It wasn't anywhere near fun. Patty just couldn't believe that her mother, my wife, would do any such thing. I made it perfectly clear to her what I'd heard, and even if it was just a joke, they had gone way over the line so far, it wasn't likely that I'd ever take her back.

"But dad, what if she didn't really do anything with that slimeball?" Yeah, Patty didn't like Roger either. I think I mentioned that already, but if not, then now I have.

"Pumpkin, the disrespect she's been showing me for the last few years when they'd pull their pranks, after saying 'never again' when I blow up at her, has gone too far. I will not be taking her back anytime soon. Your mother has gone too far this time. I'm sorry." I laid it all out for her. "Patty, I could actually have her charged as an accessory to what Roger did to me. They didn't just pull a prank this time, they broke the law."

That shut Patty up. I could pretty much hear the wheels turning in her head as she thought about what I'd just said. After a minute, I heard her sigh.

"Dad, I still think you should give Mom another chance." Yeah, I knew it was coming. Both our kids love their Mom. Eric was pissed off, but Patty was just saddened by the whole mess.

"I'll think about it, Pumpkin. No promises, though." It was the best I could manage. I really didn't see Flo as my wife anymore. I just couldn't get over it like Patty wanted. I'd think about it, though. I'm a man of my word, after all.

"Thanks, Daddy." I could hear the smile in Patty's voice as she said it.

"Don't thank me yet, sweety. I'm serious, here. Your mother is going to have to jump through some serious hoops if she wants me to forgive her for this one." I went on to explain about the rape kit and how the results could determine whether or not I took her back or had her charged as Roger's accessory and Divorced her.

That brought Patty up short again. "I... I understand, Daddy," was all she said.

"I'm glad you do, Pumpkin. I'll talk to you later."

"Ok, I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too, Pumpkin. Bye."

"Bye, Daddy." I heard her sniffle just before she Ended the call.

The phone calls out of the way, I finally had time to really think about where my marriage was going. I reviewed everything in my head, over and over and over again. The common cause of each piece of hurt I'd put up with over the last few years was Roger Fuckin' Berman. The fucktard had been at the heart of everything. Every time I got so angry I could barely see straight. Every time I contemplated murder. Every huge argument that Flo and I had. It all came back to Roger and his fuckin' stupid practical jokes.

In a sense, I was partially to blame, too. I should have put my foot down after the one before, where they first looked like they were making out while Alice and I had been outside. I should have done something then. I wondered if "One more time, Flo, and I'm going to Divorce you!" would have done any good. Knowing how stupid Flo had become because of Roger, and the more I thought about it, the less I held out any hope for her wising up.

Hell, it had taken THIS happening for her to see how much she and Roger had hurt Alice and me. It had taken a "joke" going way too far and I had warned her that they would someday. I just didn't expect it to be within weeks of the warning I'd given her.

Before I got too drunk, I decided to go to the local liquor store and buy some more of that great dark ale. I bought a full case, then took it home and proceeded to get completely shitfaced.

I know, getting drunk doesn't usually help the thought process. But in my case, this time it did. It gave me a clarity of thought that I hadn't had in a very long time.

I was able to see the pattern, now. Roger and the way he looked at Flo when he thought that Alice and I weren't watching. At the times I'd caught him looking, I at first thought he might be planning a joke on her too. However, thinking back now, that twinkle in his eyes wasn't mischief. It was lust. He'd been planning her seduction for a very long time!

Now, Flo isn't some slut wife like you read about sometimes on sites like Literotica or whatever. If Roger had come right out and tried to seduce her, she would have slapped him upside the face, told Alice about it, and we would never have socialized with him again.

She had done a few really stupid things during our marriage. Nothing as huge as this, but still pretty boneheaded. The difference this time, besides the obvious, was that she didn't learn from her mistakes as she had in the past. Every escalation with Roger's "jokes" had been another nail in the coffin of our marriage. Usually, hindsight is always 20/20, and for me it is. For her, however, she was holding out hope that we could get past this.

For some odd reason (ha), I wasn't willing to put it in the past anymore. This had been the final straw.

I don't remember much about the rest of the night after my epiphanies. Yeah, I got rip-snorting shitfaced and ended up worshipping-at-the-porcelain-altar to the Gods of Drunkenness, Ralph and his good buddy Earl. I passed out with my face on the toilet seat.

Needless to say, I woke up in the morning with the Mother of All Hangovers. So I did the only thing I could think of in that situation. I had another beer.

I don't remember much about that weekend, especially Sunday. I was still wondering how the whole Divorce would play out. Would Flo fight it? Shit, the LAST thing I wanted to do was talk to her, or try and listen to her. "But baby, it was just a joke. Nothing happened!" kept floating through my mind as her mantra. But I couldn't ignore that keening sound of her climaxing that I had heard. If she hadn't done that, I might have actually believed her that nothing happened. Yeah, I finished off that case of beer on Sunday.

Monday morning, I decided that I'd drunk enough, and popped about 10 aspirin and drank half a pot of coffee to get rid of the hangover. Then I called off work for a family emergency, and my boss said to take as much time as I needed. Yep, I had a shit ton of unused vacation time accrued, so I was set for pretty much as long as I needed. I also called a lawyer to see what my options were for Divorcing Flo.

He gave me the skinny on what to expect, and ONLY if she didn't fight it, would I walk away scot free, pretty much. If she did fight it, I could wind up paying alimony and giving her half of everything, including my 401K and retirement package.

Shit. Shit, Shit, Shit, SHIT!

I did NOT want to give Flo a damned dime!

Then he gave me an out. After listening to what happened, he said that if she was charged, then the police report could be entered into evidence for the Divorce too. That perked me up. I thanked him for his time, and after hanging up, I sat back to think.

My anger had cooled somewhat at Flo. Roger was still on my Kill-On-Sight list, and Flo was definitely still in the doghouse. But I was thinking that IF she MAYBE didn't fuck Roger, I MIGHT be willing to forgive her EVENTUALLY and MAYBE get past it... in time.

Yes, I know those are a lot of qualifiers. IF, MAYBE, MIGHT, EVENTUALLY, etc. Now it all hinged on the rape kit and what it would tell me.

Just after 2pm, Rick called me to let me know that the rape kit results were done... and something I didn't know about, too.

"Jim, you need to come down here. This is strange."

"What's strange, Rick?"

"Just get down to the station." His tone didn't invite argument. I knew from experience that Rick only got that way when telling it wouldn't do. It had to be shown.

"Ok, on my way."

Yes, it was THAT short of a conversation. My curiosity was off the charts as I got into my truck and damn near broke every traffic law getting to the police station, as strange as that might sound.

Once I arrived, I greeted Tonya at the front desk, and she let me into the Detectives area to see Rick. Once I was seated in his office, he pulled out the Crime Lab's report.

"Ok, I knew you wouldn't believe me on this one without proof, Jim. This one has to be seen to be believed."

"Buddy, I don't think I would discount anything right now. I'm already pretty much convinced she cheated, but this will just be the confirmation I need."

Rick got a pensive look on his face. "It's not quite that simple, Jim. The rape kit itself came back negative."

That news stunned me a bit. "Really? You mean she didn't fuck Roger?"

"There was no intercourse, if that's what you mean."

"Well, DUH! What else would I mean?!" Ok, I knew Rick had to say that, as he also had a Cop Mode that stuck as close to the book as possible, even when his own friends were involved. But right then, I was getting tired of not knowing what the hell he was talking about.

"Ok, well the second piece of evidence was that Ash examined Flo's panties while the EMT was running the kit, and found semen on the front of them."

I slumped back in the chair, my mind reeling from what I'd just heard. "You mean he came over the front of her panties?" I asked at length.

"Looks like it, yeah. My guess was that they were either masturbating each other, or they were doing it to themselves as a mutual masturbation thing." Rick took a deep breath. "All Flo told Ash was that it was all 'just a joke' and 'nothing happened', but the DNA came back on the semen sample as belonging to Roger Berman."

Now my anger was back on the rise. "So while they might not have physically cheated, they still cheated."

"Not according to Bill Clinton, and not according to our state law definition of adultery, either. Look, Jim. I can't tell you what to do about Flo. Hell, if it was me, and Kathleen did that to me, I'd divorce her and have the DA throw the book at her for her part in what the asshole did to you." Rick took another deep breath before continuing.

"Roger Berman has already been charged with Unlawful Detainment and Felony Assault for handcuffing you in the basement. The DA thinks he can go one better and introduce Kidnapping. That's a 25-to-Life sentence if he's convicted and if the Judge is in a bad mood that day. Parole after 10-to-15, usually. Hell, with you testifying and the evidence on hand, it would pretty much be a slam dunk. The bad news there is that Flo would probably have to testify as well, in return for a lighter sentence." Rick stopped and looked at me. "Jim, like I said, I can't tell you what to do here, but give the word and the son of a bitch goes away from a very long time."

I smirked a bit as his phraseology. "The Word," I said.

He chuckled again and picked up the phone. 5 minutes later, our DA was filing Kidnapping charges against Roger Berman with a mental cruelty aggravator.

Speaking of ol' Roger, he was still in the hospital under 24 hour police guard. It would be a while before the effects of my self-defense would allow him to get out and into a nice comfy jail cell. Yeah, I'd pretty much wrecked his sorry ass, and if I saw him again, I would probably do the same. Hell, I would be more than happy to go to jail for some Felony Assault on him, myself! As far as I'm concerned, any man that goes the lengths he did to seduce another man's wife, completely disrespecting a man who he supposedly calls a friend and his own loving faithful wife too, deserves everything bad that happens to him.

Roger Berman wasn't a joker. Roger Berman was just scum masquerading as a joker. A sexual predator that used his practical jokes as ways to get a woman into bed. The good news was that he was now facing some serious prison time! Yeah, it wasn't good news for him, but it was excellent news for me and Alice. Roger was pretty well off, for sure. With him in prison, Alice's plan to Divorce the Asshole and take him to the cleaners was well on its way to becoming a reality.

She came over the next weekend and told me several incidences in their old town where he had gone nearly as far as he had with Flo. She had given him an ultimatum: Give it up and move away, or she would Divorce him then and there. He had given in, and they had moved here. For a while, things had been great, until he'd started up his "joking" with Flo and me, this time around. Seems he also had several jealous hubbies back in their old burg where he was KOS if they ever saw him again. That really didn't surprise me, to be honest. Not with all the shit that I'd figured out about him over this last week.

I couldn't blame Alice, since I was now planning to do the same to Flo while she was in the joint. Fuck it. I'd suffered enough of their disrespect to last several lifetimes. How Roger had subverted Flo wasn't all that much of a mystery when I thought about her raunchy sense of humor over the course of our courtship and marriage. Roger had found fertile ground there for his plan to seduce her by joke. The fuckin' bastard.

Flo tried and tried and tried again to get in touch with me so "we could talk", which was the furthest thing from my mind. I knew enough about how she thought that she seemed to think that once we sat down and talked, it would all be over with and we would get back to where we were.

No.

Not just no, but OH HELL FUCK NO!

It wasn't lost on me that she hadn't physically let him fuck her... this time. It also wasn't lost on me that if I HAD forgiven their "joke" this time, they would have upped the ante next time. This Divorce was as much for Flo's protection as it was my own sanity.

From the way I'd reacted this last time, emphasis on LAST, I knew that if they tried that shit again, only with full penetration or whatever, I would snap and kill both of them.

I started shaking as I realized that I had been a cunt hair away from killing Roger already. Not that the sack of shit didn't deserve it, of course, but did I really want to spend the rest of my life in prison? No. I love my kids too much to go to prison and miss out on their lives.

Eric had a good woman with Kenna, and Patty was getting excellent grades in school, looking to graduate with honors from her chosen college.

She was also dating what she called a "great guy" and was planning to bring him home at Winter Break to meet us. I knew that

I would hate her latest boyfriend when he came home with her at Christmas, of course. All fathers hate their daughters' boyfriends. It's a protective instinct that is the boyfriend's responsibility to alleviate by showing the father that his girl is his life and he will never hurt her.