A Prison Break Ch. 02

I knew I was half smashed, but I had gotten a little more sober since starting to talk, so I realized I had just shot my entire verbal wad. If she didn't respond now, she'd never do it. I'd never screw her again, and living together would just be hell for me, maybe for her too. If she stayed silent, her hate, animosity, anger towards me would just grow. It was like I was my dad and she was me, that kind of thing, yet, I hadn't treated her like my dad had done to me.

I just didn't get any of this. I knew she could be, maybe should be angry at me about fucking her, but she had been the one who initiated that. I had recalled since then that I had even gotten angry and told her to go and put more clothes on right before she hooked me. I took a slow breath. I decided I'd wait at her door until it was time to go to the job if need be. I'd slept on floors before. Finally I heard something.

"I... I think... I have thought a lot... about you too."

I started holding my breath without knowing it. I waited for more but nothing came. I exhaled and started breathing again. "You have?"

"Yeah. For... for a long time."

"What... what did you think?"

"I don't know if... I don't think I should tell you now. I... I thought I should last Friday, so... so I did, but..."

I interrupted, "Lana, please, jus' tell me." I had to wait another minute.

"At first... you know, when you first started going out with Barb, I... was surprised about you. I... I thought you were cute, and... and not an... an ass like all the other losers she'd gone out with."

If I hadn't been half in the bag and horny as hell I might have laughed at that line. She had inadvertently called me a loser too, maybe it wasn't inadvertent. I actually agreed with her.

"And... and you talked to me, like really talked to me, and you didn't treat me like some little pain in the ass, or some little girl even if I did look like one, or like I was some... some sort of negative about Barb. And... and so I liked you for that."

She took a long audible breath. "And then, you guys got married, and... and I... and I started liking you more, and... and then I knew I liked you too much, and... and when it got to that point, it was about then that... that you stopped talking to me as often, and... I don't know, I... I started not... not liking Mom very much. I mean, I started seeing all the things in her that I hated before, except it was worse than before. And... and then I did some really dumb things, that... that I now know I did because...."

She exhaled sharply. "I did some dumb things because... because I was... jealous, I guess, that... that she was with you all the time and... and I wasn't. I... I wanted you to notice me more and... and I wanted to piss off Barb too. I don't why I did some of those things, like... like that internet page. It... I wanted her to find it, and... and I wanted you to... to see it."

I heard her start crying, not loud, but definitely crying. I spoke softly, "Lana... open the door."

"No... no, I can't." She took a few quick breaths. "I... I know now it was so stupid to... to get so emotional about you, to... to think that it was... was more than like. I... I wanted you to... to look at me as if... as if I was a... a woman, but I... I was acting like a-a-a teenager, which... which is what I am. And... I don't know, I... then started really hating... both of you... you and... and M-Mom." She started crying again.

I was overwhelmed. My dick shrunk to totally limp over the course of her monologue. "Ahh... Lana... Lana."

She sniffled. "What?"

"I did pay attention to you, but you pushed me away, or... or I was drunk, or trying to deal with... with all my fuckin' problems, or with Barb, I mean we just got married, you know? But... mainly, just dealin' with myself. I wanted to be your friend, I still wanna be your friend. I... I remember talking to you those times, early on. I enjoyed those times. I'd... I'd think about you, you know, about what we had talked about. I remember thinking you were smart, an'... an' pretty, an'... I don't know, I liked you. I... I never thought you were some... negative thing.

"Then... I don't know, it all started changing. You and Barb fighting all the time, an'... and it seemed both of you were hating me half the time. You... you weren't even civil to me sometimes, an'... an' don't get mad at me, but... sometimes you acted like a little bitch, and before you say it, yeah, I know, I can be a real asshole, a real bastard. I'm no fuckin' angel or piece of cake or whatever that fuckin' sayin' is. I know that, but... I tried, Lana. I really tried to be your friend. At least I tried as best I could." I heard her crying softly again. "Lana? Don't cry, honey. What's... what's wrong?"

"I don't know. I... I was remembering how... how you protected me from... from that asshole guy at the truckstop. How... how it seemed you were ready to fight for me. No... no guy ever... ever did that... f-for m-me."

"Lana, I'd always do that for you. I'd never let anyone hurt you." I guess I forgot about my night of lust with her.

"I... I teased you all... all last week. I-I shouldn't have done that."

"I know. Lana? Why... why did you do that?" I was wondering if it was for her allowance, or the fifty bucks, to just drive me nuts, or what.

"I... it's complicated."

"I'm not goin' anywhere. So... tell me the complicated story."

She sniffled. "I hafta get some tissues."

"Okay." A few seconds passed. I heard her sit on the other side of the door again and pull out some tissues from the box. "Do you want to open the door?"

"No. I... I couldn't talk that way."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So? The complicated story?"

"I was... I was really angry about the allowance, about it being cut off, and... and on that Tuesday, I just thought I'd tease you to get back at you about it, and... and I knew you had to be horny because... you know, Barb's in prison. So I did that on Tuesday, then... then on Wednesday, I... I thought about the truckstop and... and that woman outside, and... and I needed money, and... and... don't laugh at me."

"What?"

"I... I wanted to... to-to hook up with you, see... see what it was like with you, and... and see if... see if you'd like me as... as much as you l-like Barb in bed." She cried for a few seconds, then pulled out more tissues. "Maybe... maybe that was t-the main reason."

I really started to sober up. I knew I shouldn't say she was better than Barb, and obviously not say she was worse. "Lana?"

"What?" She blew her nose.

"You're beautiful, hot and... and a fantastic lover."

"You're just saying that. It... it took you forever to cum."

I chuckled.

"Don't laugh at me!"

I heard her starting to stand. "Lana! Sit down. I wasn't laughing at you. Wanna know why it took me so long?" It took her five seconds to sit down again.

"Okay. Why?"

"Guys who are drunk sometimes take longer to reach orgasm, sometimes... the alcohol makes it hard to... ahh... difficult to stay hard too, but... sometimes, it just delays orgasms. That's... that's why, and... and... I... I don't know if I should tell you something else."

"Go ahead and say it."

I could tell she expected it to be some negative comment about her. "I was really glad it took me a long time. I... I wanted to be inside you as long as I could. You... you have a beautiful, wonderful body. You were a great lover." I had to wait twenty seconds for a response.

"Is that the truth about.... about alcohol and orgasms, and... and the other things you said?"

"It is for me. That's the truth. And yes, it was the truth about you too." There was about a half minute of silence. Lana spoke again.

"I wish... I wish I wouldn't have taken that money, but... I got so mad at you." She started crying softly again.

"Don't you dare think that was me paying you for Friday night. That money wasn't for that."

She sniffled a couple times. "Yes it was."

"It wasn't. You said you didn't want that money. So I gave you other money. That's the way I'm looking at it."

"That's stupid."

Like at the prison, maybe from the tension, I chuckled. "I don't care if it is stupid."

There was another silence for ten or so seconds, which seemed like minutes.

She spoke softly, "I've... been thinking about Friday night a lot."

"I have too. Didn't I say that already?"

"I... I can't remember."

I smiled. "Isn't that my line?"

"It has been."

"Lana, I've been thinking about Friday night a lot, all the time since Saturday morning."

"What... what are you thinking?"

"That I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I did. That I hoped I didn't hurt you in any way... like even... you know, you remembering it in the future. I... I've been thinking a lot about... about what it felt like to be inside you, how... how perfect that felt, and... and the last thing I remember from that night was... was thinking how perfect we fit together spooning."

"You... you thought I was talking about a... a real spoon."

My brow pinched for a few seconds, I blinked, then chuckled again. "You're right. I... I thought you were eating ice cream or cereal or something."

"I... I guess I knew you were pretty drunk."

"Why... why did you trick me with drinking tea?"

"I didn't want to get any drunker than I was."

There was about a minute of silence. I broke it.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I... I don't know. What... what are you thinking about?"

"I was wondering if it was ever going to happen again. Us being together like that." My cock started growing again. I then thought of Barb. The growth slowed.

"I... that's what I was wondering."

"I... I want it to happen again, but... I-I also don't want it to happen again, because... because of Barb." I surprised myself by telling her the truth.

"I..." Lana stopped talking.

"What?"

"I don't know."

"Lana?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Do you think it will at least be possible for us to be friends."

"I... don't know. I guess, I... I think so. I... um..."

"What?"

"Don't get worried, okay?"

"What?" I suddenly wondered if she was on the pill. I thought she had said she was that night.

"It might be hard being friends, because... I... it... I think I... I still like you more, than as a friend. I've tried not to, which... which is one of the reasons why I... I've been really bitchy to you, I guess, but... it... it doesn't seem like that's worked."

"I think it'll be difficult for me to only think of you in a platonic way now too."

"I know what platonic means."

"Lana? Why do you say shit like that? I figured you knew what it meant."

"I... I don't know. I... Sometimes I think, you think, I'm stupid."

I smiled. "You know what I really think?"

"What?"

"I think sometimes I'm really stupid, and yeah, sometimes you're really stupid too."

"Do... do you mean last Friday?"

"Actually... I wasn't thinking of that. I meant, in general."

"Oh." She waited a few seconds. "Do you think it was stupid? Friday night? I guess you do since you said it was a big mistake."

I thought for a moment. "What you and I did, the way it made me feel, and hopefully you feel during it, that... that wasn't stupid, but... but because of the situation, maybe it was a mistake. I mean... we've both been pretty upset since then, you know? Among... other reasons."

"You mean Barb, right?"

I sighed. "Yeah."

"Could I ask you something, like... personal?"

"Yeah, but.. maybe I won't answer. Ask."

"What does she expect you to do? I mean, you know, about sex? Did she say you shouldn't hookup with anyone, even like... like a casual thing?"

"This will sound really stupid to you because it sounds extremely stupid to me right now, but... Barb and I have never discussed it. So, I assume she thinks I should stay loyal to her, which... which I should do."

"I... I thought you might start cheating on her, but... you haven't, have you? I... I don't mean last Friday, I mean... before last Friday."

"No, I haven't messed around."

"You... you really... love her, don't you?"

I felt like scum once more, when I heard Lana cry for a few seconds again. She blew her nose as softly as she could. "I guess I do... most of the time, but... I guess I don't love her enough, Lana, because last Friday, I wanted you more than I wanted to follow my marriage vows. That... that makes me one hell of a self-centered, fuckin' asshole."

"I bet... I bet if you were in prison, that... that she..."

I interrupted, "It doesn't matter what she would do. It doesn't work that way. The only thing that matters is what I do. And who really knows what she'd do? I thought I'd be able to handle it when she went in. Obviously, I was wrong."

"I... I shouldn't have teased you. I mean, I knew you had to be horny. I knew even I might be able to... you know, get you more horny to even hook up with me."

"Lana, I wanted to be with you before last week, except for the... the bitchy part." I took a quick breath. "No, I guess even with the bitchy part." There was another pregnant pause. I heard Lana shift on the other side of the door.

She drew in a deep breath, then exhaled. "What are we... I mean... um... what are you going to d... I mean... oh... I don't know what I mean."

"What are we going to do about wanting to be together like last Friday?"

"Yeah... I guess... I guess that's what I meant to say."

"I don't know. It feels very complicated now... more complicated now. I... I don't want to hurt Barb, I don't want to hurt you, I know I'm going to think about us together, us... making love, from now on though."

"You mean... us... fucking?"

I actually smiled. "I prefer making love mixed with a healthy dose of fucking."

"No kidding."

I chuckled and heard Lana giggle softly. "Lana, did you have good time with me? Did I hurt you at all? I hope to god I didn't hurt you."

"I was sore, and... and at the start, I mean... you know, with... with your dick, it... it hurt a little but not that much, and then it felt so good, and all that.. that oral stuff you did, just... drove me crazy. I... I guess near the end it... it half hurt and half felt good, but... I didn't want to stop. I... I liked it all."

I smiled. "So, you really did enjoy it?"

"Yes." She took a breath. "Did... did you like it with me?"

"Yeah, you're a great lover, very feminine... you felt perfect and... and you give good beejay." I chuckled softly, then instantly regretted that ending bit of humor. I began to open my mouth not sure how to correct it when Lana spoke first.

"Do... I guess you don't remember what I told you about... about doing oral and... and hooking up, do you?"

"Ahhh... when was that?"

"At the end."

"Sorry, but... like I said... ah... no, I don't remember. What did you say?"

"I... I've only been with two other guys, like one time each, and... and I like made it seem that I did a lot of, you know, oral on guys, but I... I haven't."

"You're ki..." I figured I shouldn't say what I was about to say.

"Kidding? No. That's the truth. I... I know Barb is... is probably a lot hotter in bed than me, and... um... I was hoping to be... you know, okay."

"You're a fantastic lover, Lana."

"As... as good as her? Nevermind... I know I'm not. Dumb question."

"She has more experience but I don't think that necessarily makes her better. You each are unique. You're both great lovers. I mean that, you really are, Lana. Eroticism is more than just knowing the moves, it's... it's deeper than that, it's... it's... well, someone once said the biggest sexual organ, or... maybe it was the biggest erogenous zone, was the brain. I guess it was 'organ.'"

Lana giggled softly. "I like that. I'll have to remember that." There was a few moments of silence. "Could... could I ask you something that... like is not really related to what we're talking about?"

"Yeah, like before, that doesn't mean I'll answer. Shoot."

"Why do you drink so much? Why... why does Mom drink so much?"

"I want to give you an answer, but I don't know if I can. I drink like I do, because... well, the simple answer is I'm an alcoholic."

"So, it's really an addiction. Do you think you'll ever stop, that... that Barb will ever stop?"

"It's an addiction, but... it seems more than that for me, Lana. I... I have this feeling, and I guess I've had it before too, that... that I think Barb can quit. I... I think I may not be good for her. And me? I don't know if I'll ever be able to quit."

"You and her have quit for... for weeks though. And... and neither of you get drunk every single day."

"You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. I can't seem to get past three weeks dry. I can't get to that fourth week. Does... that answer your question?" I really didn't want to talk about my drinking.

"Um... I guess."

I could tell that wasn't enough. "What else do you want to know about it?"

"You said it felt like more than an addiction. What did you mean by that?"

"That's just my view of it. I know other addicts feel the same about their drug of choice, or feel similar maybe, but... drinking is where I can hide when things get too hard for me to handle. I run away to the bottle, drown my fears, my anxieties, my worries, my anger, my frustration. It feels warm and good there. Mainly, getting drunk lets me escape."

"Escape from what? Your... um... worries?"

"Yeah, like I just said, but it's mostly it's an escape from... from..." Something inside was stopping me from telling her.

"Escape from what?"

I took a slow breath. "An escape from... from myself."

"Yourself? What... um... okay."

"Can you keep a secret, Lana?"

"I... yes."

My eyes started welling up. "I... I hate myself, and when I get wasted, I'm not with that guy anymore, so... so there's no one to hate. I escape from myself."

"You... you shouldn't hate yourself."

I wiped my eyes and smiled. "Easier said than done, honey."

"Does... does Barb hate herself?"

"I don't know, Lana. I hope she doesn't." I took a quick breath. "Could I ask you something?"

"I guess. But... I may not answer the question."

I chuckled. "That was funny."

"I wanted to make you smile."

"You did."

"What's the question?"

"Do you really hate your mother?" I had to wait ten seconds.

"I... maybe I've hated her at times. Maybe... sometimes I still do."

"Growing up, did she spank you... punish you physically?"

"No, she usually just yelled at me, said... said I didn't appreciate her enough, stuff like that. Once... once when I was about ten, she... she got drunk and mad, and... and hit me across the face really hard. But... that was the only time. When... when I was about eleven, she... she stopped yelling so much at me, usually when she was drunk she... she mostly cried a lot in her bedroom and... and moped around. She... I know it's been my fault, at least some of it, but she started shouting at me again, when... um... when you came on the scene. Um... why did you ask that?"

"I hoped she hadn't done that, and... and I wanted to know if you hated her."

"I... I like don't hate her, I guess."

I smiled. "That sounded funny."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I like don't hate her."

"Oh... yeah, I guess that was a queer way to say it."

"'Like' has become the new 'uh' or 'ah'."

"Yeah, I think I've heard that before... sometime like recently."