A Prison Break Ch. 03

Somewhere in that conversation, Barb's eyes, so beautiful, blue, clear, bright, and so full of life, love, and even happiness that day; looked into mine for a few moments as if she was trying to see into my heart, see into my soul, before she said, "What I'd really like to do, is give Lana a little brother."

Yeah, even that seemed possible that afternoon. I forced my smile to fade and said, "Nope, no way..." Before her marvelous smile could disappear, I quickly released my own again, and added, "It has to be a little sister, a girl exactly like you, Barb. I want a dup of you in this world, not one of me." On that day, at that moment, I meant it with all my heart and soul. Another duplicate of her.

Four days later, I had gotten pissed off at work, came home really late, totally wasted. Barb got drunk the following evening.

Then, just a couple months ago, going to the same restaurant, walking the same paths along the lake with Lana that I had with Barb, feeling love again, but for Lana that time, when we got to the spot where I had stepped off the sidewalk with Barb heading to that shady bench, I realized I had unknowingly tried to reprise that day with Barb, that day when everything seemed possible, everything seemed within reach. That epiphany had overwhelmed me with guilt, sadness, and shame. I tried my best to hide it from Lana, kept the smile on my face, kept holding her hand, but I had been a hair away from breaking down and sobbing right in front of her.

The next day I could barely look at Barb during the visitation. The following Monday after work, I got a bottle of Comfort and got wasted that night. Lana got mad at me, saying I had lied to her about stopping drinking. I told her to go fuck herself. That was also a replay of what Barb had said when I came home wasted, and what I had said to Barb that night I fell off the wagon after that special Saturday with her.

It felt like something had gone down the wrong pipe again. I turned my head and coughed a few times. The pain in my chest intensified. I coughed harder and I actually saw some blood fly in the air. I looked at Lana after that. She seemed to be shaking harder. She kept glancing at the knife handle, then my face, back and forth, back and forth. She was still crying silently. I thought that was weird, no sound from her, well, a few sounds, although nothing loud enough to fit her facial expression.

She used her palm to wipe the blood from around my mouth and neck. Then, still shaking she got up and almost fell down, maybe dizzy. That happens to me sometimes, get up fast, then get dizzy, something to do with the inner ear, I think. I abruptly shut my eyes tightly. It felt like some prickly hand of thorns had just gripped around my heart. Jeezuz... it was painful.

I got very scared. I could feel terror invade me. That prickly hand had just told me I was dying. I felt like I was drowning again. I turned my head once again and coughed. I think blood ran down my cheek and chin. The blood in my mouth was making me thirsty. It left a metallic taste.

I remembered telling Barb I wanted to be cremated and then just have the ashes tossed in a trash can. What I couldn't recall was whether she was sober when I told her. I think I was, but maybe not. I hope she knew I was serious. That gurgling sound seemed to be getting louder. I started taking faster, shorter breaths.

I heard Lana shouting. For a moment I thought the son-of-a-bitch had come back. To beat her? Jeezuz... to kill her? I had to protect her! I tried to move and I did a little, I got my head and shoulder up, but it also made that thorny hand grip me again. It took away my strength. Suddenly she was at my side again. She was holding the cordless and still sobbing. I think I caught most of what she was screaming into the phone.

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND! HE'S HURT BAD! Please send someone FAST! HURRY!... ... YES! It's still stuck in his chest! I DIDN'T try to take it out! PLEASE GET SOMEONE HERE! He needs help right NOW!"

Lana dropped the phone to the floor. She was sitting back on her heels. She leaned down, her face right in front of mine. Her right hand started wiping my mouth and neck, as her left began stroking from my forehead into my hair with a bit too much strength. Her sobbing got worse.

Her voice was very squeaky and high pitched, "Don't you die! D-Don't you d-dare d-die! I love... y-you! I was s-s-so m-mad... mad at you f-for going to... t-t-to h-h-her today to... t-to fuck her... I don't care about... t-that g-guy! I was j-just so ma-a-ad at y-you! I wan... wannid t-to make y-you j-jealous! I-I'm sorry! I'm s-so SORRY! Don't you dare die! Y-You c-can b-be with her... I-I-I won't b-bothe... bother you two, but PLEASE... PLEASE DON'T D-DIE!" She released a jerking sob. "I... I-I love y-you. I l-love you s-so much."

That fuckin' thorny hand gripped both my heart and the left side of my chest. I turned my head and coughed again. More blood spattered to the floor. I tried to spit but I couldn't manage it. My breathing was still quick and shallow. Lana's hand on my forehead moved to the back of my skull, cushioning it from the floor. Her other hand frantically tried to wiped the new blood from my chin and neck. I turned my face to hers again. I used all my strength to raise my left forearm so my hand could cup or at least touch her face. I had to swallow some blood to talk and I know I wasn't speaking very loud when I said, "Lana. Closer." I attempted to breathe slower and deeper but I couldn't.

Lana tried to quiet her crying. She moved her face very close. I realized she had blood smeared on it. I prayed it was mine and not hers.

Her voice was a soft quiver, "W-what... can... sh-should I d-do for y-you? I-I don't kn-know what to do. Tell me... please tell m-me." More tears ran down her pretty face.

I tried to organize my thoughts. I had to tell her before it was too late. It all had to be truth, but was I sure it was the truth? Yes, it was the truth, and it had been the truth. It seemed so clear now. I swallowed again. I spoke between my panted breaths. "Lana, I... love you. Tell... Barb... I... love her... Both of..." I turned my face and couged, then swallowed a couple times. Lana tried to wipe the blood off. I shook my head slightly. "Listen." She turned her head slightly so her ear was closer to my mouth. "You both... can do... better... than me, and in... much more. Help her... help yourself... help each... other. Both forget... forget me." I felt the thorny hand again and my body tensed with the pain. I panicked for a few moments, then the pain receded again and I felt myself back away from terror to just being scared.

I had my second epiphany: I didn't want to die. I desperately wanted another chance. I'd do anything to have a second chance. Anything He wanted! Please God! Yet I knew if I got that chance, I'd fail again. My eyes filled with tears. I wanted to wipe them but thought cupping Lana's pretty face was more important. "Lana... I'm sorry... Tell Barb... so sorry." I felt like I was drowning again. I turned my face away, and coughed a couple times. I saw more blood fly. Lana again tried to wipe it off my mouth and chin. I wished she would stop doing that while I was trying to speak.

I looked at her once more. I felt sorry for her, for her ever knowing me, for what I had done to her, for her having a lousy mother; and I felt sorry for Barb because life had overwhelmed her and I had made it a thousand times worse for her. I guess I felt sorry for myself too, because I could now see so clearly how it all might have been different for the three of us, or at least for the two of them without me in the picture. "Lana... you... Barb... so... beautiful." I slowly blinked my eyes a few times. I was beginning to feel really tired.

Tears cascaded faster down her face again. I felt some drop on me. Her hand rose from my shoulder, the back of it wiped her nose. She then cupped the side of my neck with her palm. "They're coming! They said they'd be here fast... hold on... p-please... don't... d-don't fall asleep! You can't fall asleep! Please!"

I remembered Lana pointing out one evening that I was only eleven years older than her. At the moment though, she looked so young again, not more than thirteen, and if she was that age and my daughter, the day she was born I would have been about as old as Barb was when she gave birth to her. Looking thirteen right now, that's what Lana seemed like, my daughter, actually more like the daughter I never had. Yeah, the daughter I would never have. I could barely keep my hand cupping her face. I gathered whatever strength I could muster to hold it there. It was the most important thing in my life.

Daughter. I thought of Barb again.

My voice was raspy and not even a whisper, "Closer." I waited while Lana turned her head and I saw her ear. "Important... Tell Barb... baby sister... baby brother... Either... Tell her... with right guy... right guy... She still… can... She... can… Tell her."

I tried to smile at Lana. I'm not sure my mouth curved. Yeah, looking like the daughter I never had. I tried to take a deeper breath, then it felt like something went down the wrong pipe. I stifled the cough but tried to clear my throat. It was tiring coughing so much. It seemed I had to think to breathe. My breaths grew faster and shorter.

I thought about dying again. I wondered if there'd be nothing-- alive one moment, then just nothing the next. I wondered if I might see some white light and all my dead relatives. Maybe not my relatives. I don't have many. My parents are still alive. There must be some dead relative I knew. Oh, yeah, grandparents. Only knew my grandfathers. Both buscias died, one decades before I was born, the other when I was less than two. Both dziadzias are dead now too. None of them really spoke English. A little pidgin English. If I hear someone shouting at me in Polish, it will be one of my grandparents. I blinked. Grandparents. I looked at the daughter I never had.

I swallowed twice, then rasped, "Lana." I saw her ear again. My panting between words was getting more ragged, there was a wheezing sound added to the gurgling. "Grandparents... you... find... Gramma... Ask Barb... but you... find them... Find them."

My hand got too heavy to hold her pretty face. My forearm fell to the side. I coughed up more blood. I think some hit Lana. Breathing got more difficult, almost like hiccuping. I didn't panic, but I felt my fear grow, not higher but wider. Lana looked into my eyes. She started crying more intensely again. There was line of drool hanging from her lower lip. It was nearly touching my chin. The back of her hand wiped her nose once more, then her palm stroked my forehead and hair a dozen times. It moved and held the side of my face as I had hers so many times. I was glad her other hand was behind my head. I had really whacked my skull on the floor. I could feel her hands were still trembling. I closed my eyes to rest for a moment.

She shouted, "You stay awake! You hafta stay... awake! Don't you... d-dare l-leave m-m-me!"

My eyelids rose. My field of vision started shrinking. I kept looking into Lana's squinting, crying eyes, but I saw them as they were that day we went to the Thai restaurant. They were so beautiful and exactly the same color and shape as Barb's eyes. Magically the face surrounding those eyes, slowly became Barb's, then slowly changed back to Lana's pretty face, back and forth. Both of them could be so beautiful, all they had to do was believe in themselves. It was all so very simple. I wanted to tell her that but couldn't manage to speak. It was all so very simple. I did love them both. I wanted to tell them that again too.

Through the constant weird hiccuping, gurgling noises, I thought I heard a siren in the distance, or maybe Lana made a similar sound crying. My small circle of sight started dimming, getting dark at the end of the tunnel or maybe it was just the tiny black swirling dots overlaying the disk of vision, like a thousand tiny, turning flies.

I wanted to smile at Lana and Barb, and then even more so when I saw a surprising figure coming out of the growing darkness behind Lana. It was Mrs. Cantrall. She was grinning and speaking. I didn't quite catch every word, but she said something about having time to read and talk with me about my new stories. She came closer and gave me a warm, maternal hug. She was the best teacher I ever had. My arms slid around her, returning her embrace.

I don't have any new ones, not even the stories I wrote in college, Mrs. Cantrall. I didn't do very well playing chess with that old man on the steps, did I? I... I really made a mess of my life. I squandered it and hurt a lot of people in the process. Lana and Barbara... I've hurt them so much.

She leaned back, still smiling, and looked directly into my eyes. "Well, you can start on a new story tomorrow. And the other thing? Don't worry about it. You're going to be freed from making more mistakes. You'll never hurt Lana, Barbara, nor anyone again. I think you're going to find everything much easier now."

Easier here? Do you mean here, Mrs. Cantrall? Write that story here?!

Her smile stayed the same as she slowly shook her head. "No, not here."

That damn thorny hand gripped the hardest yet, but it seemed it was in someone else's body, or maybe very, very distant. I felt very tired, maybe it was sleepy. I didn't need to remember more. I had it figured out. I was here on the floor because I should have been the one driving that night. Please forgive me, Barbara. My eyelids drooped again for a moment.

"Stay awake! They're here! They're coming in the house!" Lana turned her head and shouted, "WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN! WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN! HURRY! PLEASE HURRY!" She looked at me once more and cried harder. Her face so close, her voice high pitched and quavering again, "Please s-stay a-a-awake. Don't you l-leave m-me."

I could no longer see Lana very well. I really wanted to know what would happen to her and Barbara. I was sure Mrs. Cantrall could tell me, but there wasn't time enough to ask. I suddenly understood what she had meant. It was all going to be so very easy. Breathing wasn't even necessary.

I sensed myself becoming weightless, then my mind, heart, and every cell of my being was filled with an unknown, unimaginable, amazing calmness.

Jeezuz... it feels so incredibly wonderful.

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(Your reader's comments/critiques below, and your feedbacks are invited. I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. A_Satori)

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