Adam

"I did some things for our house and Bruce's office but I don't do anything for anyone else now."

"That's about my speed, too," he laughed. "I made the counter for the café and I had some guys at the school make some of the bookshelves. I've made some things for my house but that's about it."

"Your house?"

"Yeah, I bought the old Myers house and fixed it up. I did that before Dad died and now Mom's at home by herself but I check in on her every day and she's as lively as ever. Now that David's back he checks on her, too. I think when Dad died she felt the freedom to do some of the things she's always wanted to do. She's involved with her church and with every local club and organization you can name."

"That's good, maybe you need to send her over to talk to my mom."

"Chris, your Mom gets out a lot more than you think. She's staying around the house while you're here visiting but normally she's out and about, a lot of the time with my mom."

I was surprised.

"I forgot that they're members of St. Mary's."

"Yeah, I think the priest usually dreaded seeing you and me coming regardless of the fact our parents were regulars. Father Rick says St. Mary's would be lost without our moms and Ruby. They helped arrange the last two Cursillo meetings at the Episcopal retreat."

"You're kidding? MY mom worked with that?"

He laughed.

"I told you, she gets out more than you think. Joan and your brothers think she's helpless but she's not. Of course, I think she likes for her kids to THINK she's helpless and obviously she does a really good job of keeping up the charade."

"I'll have to call her out on it when I get home."

He held his hands up defensively.

"PLEASE. DON'T. DO. THAT;" he grinned. "Mom would absolutely disown me because she'd know I told you."

"So tell me about your own life, Adam, since you seem to know so much about mine. Did you ever marry one of your string of girlfriends?"

"I married two of them and almost married a third," he said sheepishly.

"In TEN years' time?"

"Oh, yeah, and I've got the bruises to prove it."

"What happened, if it's not too personal?"

Naturally at that moment Adam had to deal with another onslaught of customers on his break.

"Before you go, could you put in an order for three dozen white chocolate macadamia nut cookies for me?"

"Those things will make you fat, you know."

"Tell me about it. They're not all for me, my nephew Davy loves them, I think everyone does, and Mom asked me to get some. As if we need them, Mom's made every Christmas cookie she's got a recipe for. I think she wanted to get me out of the house."

"I'm sure she did but little Davy really does like those cookies. I'll put the order in for you."

I paid for my order and left the café without getting to talk to Adam again. I was angry with myself because I felt the old feelings that I had for him stirring within me. It made me feel like I was cheating on Bruce only six months after he died. A few days later I went back to The Bookshop Café for some eggnog and magazines. I told myself that was the only reason, trying to deny to myself that I wanted to see Adam again.

"I wondered if you were going to come back!"

Adam's smile said that he was really glad to see me.

"Darla, would you take care of the counter for me? I'd like to talk to my friend here."

"Don't worry, Adam, it should be quiet for the rest of the afternoon."

We sat at a corner table.

"So have you seen anyone else since you came back to town?"

"Oh yeah, I ran into Bill Royce and Angela Townsend in the grocery store and Father Rick came by the house to see Mom. Ruby's been by several times and several ladies from the church women's group. I've pretty much kept to the house and I don't think very many people know I'm here or if they do they're not interested in seeing me."

"I haven't heard anyone mention that you're in town so there may not be many people who know you're here."

"I left in such awful circumstances being condemned as a queer and I don't imagine the bigotry has changed much. In fact, I'm surprised that you even spoke to me."

"Hey, I told you I'm sorry about that. Anyway, it's been over ten years since you left and a lot of people have moved away or died. It seems like Atlanta just keeps growing and it won't be too many more years before we're just a suburb."

"That happens in most major cities now. Boston is huge and if there weren't signs you wouldn't know when you drive into another city in the metropolitan areas. Atlanta's been expanding its borders since we were kids."

"When have you got to go back?"

"Mid-January. I had some vacation built up plus I've worked a ton of overtime the last several months. I needed some time off so here I am."

"I'm sorry to hear about...your friend...passing. It must have been hard on you."

"His name was Bruce, Bruce Nichols and he was a neurosurgeon. I took a week off and I thought I was going to go crazy at home being reminded of him everywhere I looked. So I went back to work in the ER for my sanity."

"I can't imagine much sanity in an ER. I don't even know how you could stand that kind of work. I had to go to the ER when I cut my hand and I thought I was going to need sedation just from seeing all the people brought in by the ambulance."

"Some nurses and doctors hate the ER but some of us prefer the work there over the rest of the hospital. Most of us like it because you deal with the immediate problem and then the patient either goes home or is sent to another part of the hospital for further care. I worked in the intensive care unit for a while and I hated it."

"Did you work with your friend?"

Adam was so careful referring to Bruce, as if he didn't know how to speak of him.

"I met Bruce when he came into the ER to deal with a severe head injury case. He didn't usually work the ER but we were short and it was his specialty."

"Was it love at first sight?" he swallowed nervously.

"You might say that. I assisted him and we just clicked together. It was like electricity between us and a few days after it happened, Bruce came by the ER and asked me to go to dinner with him. We were perfect for each other and I moved in with him three months later."

"You loved him a lot, Chris?" he whispered.

"I loved him with everything in me and it nearly killed me when he died. He made me happier than I've ever been in my whole life."

Suddenly I was fighting my emotions. It was my first Christmas without Bruce and it had always been a special time of the year for us. He was an only child, his parents were dead, and my family had disowned me. We were determined to make the holidays our own special celebration and not get bogged down in Christmases past.

"I'm sorry, Chris. At least you knew love which is more than I have. I screwed up my life and lost my only love but I didn't know it until it was too late."

There was deep sadness in Adam's eyes and his entire demeanor was filled with hurt.

"What happened to your marriages? And this love you messed up?"

"I was in love but it didn't work out and I married twice on the rebound, trying to deny my total fuckup to myself. Eventually both of my wives knew it and we ended up divorced. Fortunately I called off the third engagement before it was too late. I'm still friends of a sort with all of them but we don't see each other."

"Are they still here in town?"

"Katrina married a truck driver and they live in Savannah. Vicky married a social worker and they moved to Texas. Both of them come back periodically to see their families although this year Katrina's folks decided to do Christmas in Savannah. Susan was the girl I didn't marry and she's still around. She teaches elementary school here and she told me she's gun shy about marriage now."

"And the love you let get away? What about her?"

His eyes were filled with naked pain.

"You were the love I let get away," he said low, his voice strained.

"Me?"

I was so stunned I almost yelled it out.

"Yes, YOU are, Chris. That was the problem with my marriages. Look, can we discuss this at my house tonight? Here's not the place to talk about this kind of thing. I'd rather not bare my soul in front of my employees and the customers."

"I should make you do just that after the way you humiliated me in front of everyone, not once but twice."

"Please, Chris, don't do this, I'm begging you," he said softly. "Please."

"So are you asking me over for supper?"

"Yeah, I'm asking you over for supper. I'll make lasagna if that's okay."

"You cooking, Adam? Now that's new, isn't it?"

"Not really. Mom used to make me help out in the kitchen, remember? Then when I married Katrina it was like an advanced cooking course. She taught at a culinary school in Atlanta."

"So I'll have a meal prepared by a chef?"

"I wouldn't go that far but I've been told I'm a good cook. So you'll come?"

"Yes, just so long as you understand I'm not on the menu."

Adam blushed and I had to laugh.

"Did you have other plans you weren't telling me about?"

"No, you just took me by surprise."

"Liar."

He grinned.

"What time?"

"Is eight okay?"

"Sure."

When I got home it was five thirty and Mom was in the kitchen.

"Mom, I've got plans for supper tonight so you don't have to fix for me."

She smiled.

"That's good, Chris, I was hoping you'd connect with some friends while you're here."

"Apparently there aren't many of those around here. The door hasn't exactly been getting knocked down by people who are dying to see me."

"I'm sure not too many people know you're here, Chris, and I think some of the people just aren't sure how to deal with you. I think they're more embarrassed and uncomfortable than anything else, most of them because they never tried to contact you."

"Mom, I'm not the only gay person this community has ever produced and it's not like I'm dangerous."

"It's sort of hard to put your finger on. A lot of people were embarrassed and upset over the way you left, the scandal and everything. It wasn't just you and Grant, it destroyed the marriage of the Baptist minister, tore the church apart, and then Cherie was just devastated over the whole thing."

"Oh, I don't think Cherie can play blessed virgin here. She was screwing the good reverend for a couple of years before Grant and I ever happened."

"Yes, but this is a small place. That scandal was the talk of the town for over a year, still is in that church. I was too embarrassed to leave the house and your father was so angry for such a long time."

"Scandal or not, I still can't believe my entire family threw me out like I was garbage. I was your son, Mom, I went through hell for a long time because of that."

A male voice entered the conversation.

"Hey, we all went through some difficult times, Chris. There's no easy solution for any of this so let's not ruin Christmas trying to hash over stuff that can't be fixed."

It was Troy. He'd come in behind me and heard the last of our conversation.

"I guess you're right. Sorry, Mom, I'll just try to pretend it never happened. Anyway, I won't be here for dinner tonight."

"Got a big date, have we?" Troy laughed.

"I wouldn't call it that. I've seen Adam a couple of times at The Bookshop Café and this afternoon he asked me over for supper."

Mom and Troy looked at each, their faces surprised and apparently concerned.

"You two were on really bad terms when you left here, weren't you? Adam was pretty nasty about it," Troy said.

"Yeah, well he apologized several times for his behavior and told me he regrets how he treated his best friend. He's offered the olive branch so I took him up on his offer to eat supper at his house tonight. If I don't come home you know where to send the police. IF they give a damn."

"I'm sure it'll go okay, Chris," Mom smiled. "Adam's always been a good kid, I guess he just got mad over you and Grant. He's asked me about you several times over the years."

No way was I going to comment on that. If Adam had asked about me why hadn't he tried to contact me? Why hadn't Mom made some sort of effort to contact me? Why hadn't any of them tried to contact me?

"Well, if you ask me, and you didn't," Troy said, "I think Adam was upset because you went to bed with Grant instead of him."

I almost fainted.

"What makes you say that?!"

"Just a feeling I've always had about you two. Of course you don't need to mention my opinion to Adam, he might decide to kill me right where I stand for insulting him. The way he acted after you left was more like a wife whose husband left her for another man than a guy who was just being homophobic."

"Holy shit, Troy, you haven't said this to anyone else, have you? It's bad enough that my reputation was ruined without destroying Adam's with gossip."

"People sure as hell are going to gossip when they find out you had supper with him tonight."

"This is SUCH a rash of shit and you know it."

"Is it? Anyway, I hope you two have a lovely dinner."

"Now you're being an ass."

"Whatever," he grinned. "I'm anxious to see how it turns out."

"I'm not sure I'll have anything to tell you and now I need to take a shower and get ready..."

"...for your date."

Troy and Mom laughed as I left the room and headed upstairs.

Adam had a huge smile as he opened the door wearing blue jeans and an Emory University tee shirt. The house was decorated for Christmas and there was a beautiful tree in the living room. Mistletoe and holly hung from several places on the wall and ceiling. I could smell lasagna and eggnog.

"The house is fantastic, Adam. I can see you've put a lot of work into it because I remember this place from when we were younger. You'd never recognize it as the old Myers house. They'd really let it get run down.

"Yeah, well old man Myers was in such bad health for the last twenty years of his life and his kids are the most no count bunch God ever put on this earth. When the old man died, Mrs. Myers was the one that called and asked if I wanted to take over the place."

"Are you for real? Mrs. Myers hated us when we were kids! Remember what a bitch she was in Sunday school? Every single time she ever talked about the devil or evil she looked at the two of us."

"Turns out she's not that bad, Chris, she's just misunderstood," he laughed.

I joined in his laughter.

"Hell, I don't think there was much misunderstanding on my part when she told me I was God's punishment on my daddy. And that was when I was nine years old!"

"I bought this place after my second divorce before I finished my Bachelor's degree. I'd always rented but then Mrs. Myers called me after Mr. Myers died and offered me a sweet deal. I couldn't believe the setup but she said she'd always wanted me to have the place."

'Why, Adam, what did you ever do for HER?"

"After you left several things went wrong here and Mrs. Myers called Dad to see if he'd help them out on credit. He sent me over to do the work and I told Dad I'd do it for free because they were so hard up. So he refused any kind of payment at all. She told me she'd give me the place for nothing but I couldn't do that so she offered me the best deal she could."

"Adam that was good of you to help them out like that."

"Why not? The Cochise business never cheated anybody and we got a lot of goodwill word of mouth work from the people. Helping the Myers out was the thing to do and I didn't mind at all. Neither did Dad after he found out I'd work for nothing."

"It worked out for the best in the end."

"Do you want to know the best thing of all? You won't believe what Mrs. Myers said to me after I bought this place. It was when I was engaged to Susan. Things weren't going too well, I was depressed and I was over here doing some work, getting ready to move in."

He hesitated and smiled.

"Mrs. Myers was finishing getting her stuff together to move out and I was helping her. Out of the clear blue sky she looked me in the eye and said I needed to forget about marrying that damn little school teacher and go find you, the only one I ever really loved."

"You're kidding me!"

"Nope," Adam laughed. "She told me I'd be a damn fool it I didn't."

"What did you say to her?"

"I was dumbfounded and didn't say anything. She told me that I didn't have to answer but she knew what I needed to be happy. I thanked her and I think I was in shock because I didn't think she knew, didn't think anyone knew."

"So exactly how DID she know?"

"I think maybe she's a little more perceptive about these things than the average person. It turns out her daughter Jayne is a lesbian and moved to Arizona with Millie Paulson. She told me that before I left and told me I needed to listen to my heart or I'd be miserable the rest of my life. I broke it off with Susan the next day."

"Where's Mrs. Myers now?"

"She lives in a condo about a block from St. Mary's. She's in Tucson right now with Jayne and Millie for Christmas. Her sons both live and work in Atlanta and get up to see her about once a month. Mike is next to useless, he's an insurance salesman and James is a state employee in the lieutenant governor's office."

"Well, as I said earlier, you've done wonders with the place. All this mistletoe and holly must have taken you quite a while to hang."

"I confess I had some help. I had a Christmas party here for the people at work and the girls helped me decorate the place."

"Tell them I said they did a great job. I'm glad I dressed casual, I wasn't sure if this was a formal dinner or not."

"Get real, Chris, you've known me all my life. I haven't changed so much in the last ten years that I'm going to start giving formal dinners. Besides that, it's just the two of us."

"What, no romantic candles?"

"I can arrange it if you like. I'll have to run down to the drug store to pick up some candles though," he grinned.

"What, you don't keep candles in case the power goes out like with a snowstorm?" I teased.

"Nope, I've got storm lanterns."

"When I pulled into your driveway I realized I probably should have brought some wine or something. Sorry, Adam, my social skills are somewhat lacking."

"Nonsense, I didn't want you to bring anything but yourself."

Dinner was great and I was surprised what a fantastic cook Adam was. Afterward we sat on a couch in front of his fireplace. We sat quietly for a few minutes unsure of what to say. I could feel Adam trying to decide his next move and I was torn between wanting to keep everything under control and wanting Adam to make love to me. Finally he spoke.

"I know your home is in Boston and mine is here but do you think you'll be coming here more often now?"

"Maybe. I've pretty well mended fences with the family as best as can be done. I guess some things are just never going to be totally resolved and there's no point in continuing to fight over it. Anyway, the visit's not over yet so we'll just see how it ends up."

"Do you think you could give me a chance, Chris?"

"A chance for what?"

"A chance to be your friend."

"I thought you were my friend now. Are, were, whatever."

Adam blushed and looked sheepish.

"I mean your boyfriend, your man."

"Adam, I don't want to live in the closet again and I don't want to get involved with someone else who can't admit he's gay."

"I understand that, Chris. It's just that I think I've waited for you my whole life. I went into counseling after my divorces and one of the things that I discovered is that I was really mad with Grant more than I was with you."

"With Grant?"

"You're going to make me spell everything out for you, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. It's the only way to be clear about what you're saying."

"I really depended on you, Chris, all my life. I joked about jacking off with you but the truth is that I loved every minute of it and I really wanted more from you. I wanted you to kiss me and more."