Bree's Journey Pt. 03

"I am. I'm paying for it this semester, though."

"I'm sure it hasn't been easy keeping Daniel focused. He's always struggled with school."

It suddenly dawned on me. I glanced between my dad and Bryan as they continued to talk about school. Dad knew. He'd figured it out somewhere along the line.

I finally caught Daniel's eye but I couldn't convey what I was thinking without everyone seeing it. I tipped my head toward the kitchen, indicating that I wanted him to meet me there, then quietly excused myself. A moment later, Daniel joined me.

"What?"

I held my finger to my lips and lowered my voice to a whisper. "Dad knows."

"Knows what?"

"He knows about you and Bryan."

"No, he doesn't. What makes you think that?"

"The way he expects Bryan to take care of you. Hetero guys don't take care of other guys."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

Kieran joined us in the kitchen and leaned over to listen to our conversation.

"Bree thinks Dad knows about Bryan and me."

Kieran nodded. "Oh, he definitely knows."

"What? How do you figure?"

"The way he's talking to Bryan about you. He wouldn't do that if he thought you guys were just buddies. He knows for sure."

Daniel ran his fingers through his hair. "Shit."

"You should tell them now." I'd vowed to myself not to push my brother into doing it, but clearly he needed it. "Isn't that why you wanted me to come? To support you?"

"I'm here for you, too. Just do it."

Daniel swallowed hard and nodded. The blood had drained from his face, but it held the expression of a man on a mission, nonetheless.

I squeezed Daniel's arms as Kieran patted him on the back, then we all headed back to the dining room.

My heart pounded in my chest as though it was my news to tell. I had no doubt about my parents' reaction, but this was big news. And Daniel had been keeping it secret for probably around six years. Maybe even longer than that.

Daniel cleared his throat and then filled his lungs with air, as if he were about to dive into a deep pool of water. "Mom, Dad, I have something..." His eyes fixed on Bryan, who smiled and nodded. "...We have something to tell you."

I checked Mom's face, then Dad's. They gave Daniel their full attention, but there was no curiosity in their expression. They knew what was coming.

"Bryan and I are...more than friends. We're a...a couple, I guess you could say."

Mom took a deep breath but it wasn't a gasp. A moment later, she let go a sigh of relief and looked to Dad to respond.

"It's about time you came clean. I don't know how much longer we could keep up the pretense."

"How long have you...?"

Dad shook his head and shrugged. "I don't remember a time when I didn't suspect something."

"Why didn't you say something?"

Mom smiled in her most reassuring way. "We were waiting for you to tell us. We knew that you would, sooner or later."

"There must be some reason you picked now to come out with this news."

Daniel glanced to Bryan and then to Dad. "We want to stay in Austin over the summer. We can stay in the same house and work, and..." Daniel shrugged, his gaze darting to Bryan for help.

"We can stay together without bothering anyone."

Dad winced. "Have we given the impression that you're a bother?"

Bryan quickly realized that Dad had taken his statement the wrong way. "No, Mr. Weaver. It's not that. It's just...We wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable now that it's known that we're...you know...together."

Dad chuckled. "We've known for years and it never stopped us from letting you sleep over before."

Bryan looked over at Daniel. They were stunned. I couldn't help it, I let go a giggle. Mom and Dad had really pulled one over on Daniel and Bryan. It was pretty funny, actually.

A second later, I heard Kieran stifling a chuckle. I knew exactly why he was laughing. There was something very amusing about seeing my brother squirm.

"But I understand about wanting to stay where you are. It's time for you to move on with your life."

I heard Mom sniffle over my right shoulder. I kept staring at Dad, hoping he'd say more and drown her out. She hadn't shed a single tear when I left the house, but I always knew with Daniel she'd be different.

"Is that all for announcements?"

Daniel grinned. "For now."

"How about you, young lady?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, really. Newly unemployed, but I think you all know that, already."

"Okay, then."

Mom stood up and began grabbing empty plates. Kieran and I stood up next to help clear the table. I caught a glimpse of Dad embracing Bryan as I took a handful of dirty dishes to the kitchen. He'd always loved that boy. Like a son. Bryan had been a part of our family for as long as I could remember. Now, it seemed, it was official.

Kieran and I exchanged looks in the kitchen. We were both relieved that it had turned out so well. I don't know what would have happened, otherwise. I know I would've felt immensely guilty for pushing Daniel into confessing everything, even though it was the right thing to do, no matter the result. But I didn't have to worry about that, anymore.

I caught Bryan in a hug during my next trip to the kitchen. "I guess you're going to be my brother for life now, huh?"

"I hope so, sweetie."

I held him in a tight hug. "I've missed you."

"Me, too. Come back to Austin with us."

"We'll see." I don't know why I said that. It was out of the question for me to up and move. My home was here. And I needed to start looking for a job right away.

"We'll take care of you, I promise."

I think that was why I was even considering it at all. Because I knew that Bryan and Daniel would take care of me. And because it would be a lot of fun to hang out with them and their friends.

But I was torn about being so close to Kieran. If we were going to just be friends, which is how things were looking, it was going to be difficult for me to not want more. And I couldn't even begin to imagine how I was going to feel about him dating someone else.

That bitch, Ashley came to mind, and I almost dropped the silverware I was holding. I wouldn't survive her, or someone like her. I knew that much for sure.

"I need a decoder ring to sort through all the mixed signals you've been sending."

I turned. Kieran was leaning over me, his face now inches from mine. "Huh?"

Kieran gave me a stern look as he stood upright. My mother's clicking heels were growing louder with each footstep behind me.

"I can finish up here. Why don't you two go join the others."

"Go ahead, Kieran. I'll be in, in a minute."

I needed time to recover from Kieran's heated glare and close proximity. What did he mean by mixed signals? I'm just trying to play along and be his friend, like he wants. I can't help it if my body still reacts when he gets too close. Shit. What does he expect?

Nothing had changed for me, I realized. We could say we're just friends all we want, but it wasn't going to be that easy to forget what we were like together. Not for me, anyway.

"I think he likes you."

"Who? Kieran?"

Mother rolled her eyes at me and continued washing. "Don't act coy with me. I've seen the way you look at him, too. He's a handsome young man."

I didn't want to have this conversation with my mother. "Are you sure he's not gay? He is a good friend of Daniel and Bryan's."

"Oh, no. He couldn't be."

Her words may have sounded certain, but judging from her expression, I'd put enough doubt there to make her wonder. I didn't want her to think he was gay, well, actually, I didn't care what she thought, but I did want her off my back about him. And the easiest way to do that was to convince her that he wasn't interested in me. I knew she'd never believe that I wasn't attracted to him. I mean, shit! Who wouldn't want Kieran?

It must've worked because she changed the subject. Maybe I was learning how to handle my mother, after all.

When the dishwasher was loaded, I joined the guys. They were watching a rerun of some college basketball game on the television and talking about the upcoming tournament. Apparently, the tournament rankings were due to come out in two days.

Kieran stood up and offered his seat to me. He was sitting in my mom's chair, not that he knew that. I plopped down on the floor instead, with my back against the end of the sofa just next to where Bryan and Daniel were sitting. Kieran stepped over my legs and situated himself next to me on the floor, leaving the vacant chair for my mother, whenever she decided to join us.

Ordinarily, I would say that her attendance was iffy, but with Daniel in town, I doubted she'd linger in the kitchen much longer. She tended to drop everything to spend time with my brother.

Kieran leaned over to talk low in my ear. "What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

I shrugged. "Everything, but nothing in particular. Still a little shell shocked over dinner."

"I didn't think he'd do it."

"Me, either."

"But that's not what I was asking."

Of course, I knew that. He wanted to know what I was thinking about us. I sighed, not sure where to begin. Not even sure at that point how much I should confess about my true feelings. If I came on too strong, would it scare him away?

I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt as I worked out my strategy. One thing was certain. I was still feeling immensely guilty about leaving Austin.

"I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly. I should've talked to you first."

"Would that have changed your mind?"

I hadn't thought it through that far. I was pretty spooked, so maybe I would've left, regardless. "I don't know."

"You needed space. We both needed to step back, I think. Things got hot and heavy pretty fast."

My heart fell to my stomach. He was pulling away, I could tell. This was the start of an "I just want to be friends" speech if I'd ever heard one. The full agony of breaking up hit me hard. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still had hope that it would work out with us. That hope was now being crushed to pieces.

I fought the desire to flee with every fibre of my being. It would be easier on everyone if I just feigned being tired and drove home. That way Kieran wouldn't have to say the words that were on the tip of his tongue, and I wouldn't have to try and keep my shit together when I heard them.

Running would only prove that I was a coward, though. For the second time in days, it would confirm that I was too weak to handle any sort of relationship with Kieran. We couldn't salvage even a friendship from that.

I had to stay put and ride out the storm this time. No matter how much I didn't want to do that.

***

Kieran

Bree was driving me bat-shit crazy.

Seeing her again, but not being able to touch her, was the ultimate exercise in restraint. And the way she was acting was just taunting the beast inside me. I vacillated between this immense desire to open my heart to her, and a more pressing need to take her over my lap and spank her until I was sure she wouldn't be able to sit for a week.

One second, she would smile so sweetly at me that I could hardly refrain from kissing her. The next second, she'd appear ambivalent, or even downright distressed about me being there.

I'd been seeking her consent since she arrived. Pleading with my body language, imploring with my eyes. I wanted some sign that my advances would be welcomed. I sensed not even the slightest recognition or acknowledgement. Mixed signals, at best. She would pull me closer to only push me away again.

Fuck that.

Rationally, I decided that I had two choices. I could react to her pulling, or respond to her pushing me away. Irrationally, the inner beast inside me didn't give a fuck what signals she was sending. It wanted to take her choices away from her. Claim her, punish and consume her, until she was a part of me.

I'd never trusted that beastly side of myself. It'd gotten me in trouble so many times. But that was before. Bree was the only woman I'd been with that responded to that part of me. I'd finally been able to set him free and the result was phenomenal. I wouldn't be able to settle for less again. Even if things didn't work out with Bree...

But they had to work out. I needed to make that happen. I had to trust her not to run away again. At least long enough for me to show her in my own way how much she meant to me.

None of that was going to happen at her folks' house.

When Bree's mother joined us from the kitchen, I decided to make my move. Pushing myself to standing, I began to express my thanks and say my goodbyes.

I kept one eye on Bree as I went through the motions. She was crestfallen, like she'd been since our whispered conversation on the floor. I'd get out of her what she'd been thinking later. The darker side of me knew how to open her up.

Don't keep me waiting, Bree.

I pulled out my phone and punched in the address I'd memorized from days earlier and hoped that it was current. I could always call Daniel or Bryan to confirm, but I didn't want them to know what I was planning. This was between Bree and myself. It was private. What I had planned was very, very personal.

~

Waiting outside the dark house gave me a chance to form a plan. If this were to work, I had to go all out. Throw caution to the wind and trust that it wouldn't scare the ever-loving shit out of her.

I checked my phone for the time. It'd taken me about 20 minutes to drive to her house, and I'd been sitting outside for another 30 minutes or so. I expected her to arrive at any time. If this is where she lives.

Long beams of light illuminated the pavement. It was the first car to turn onto this quiet street since I'd parked there. Adrenaline began coursing through my veins, kicking up my heart rate a notch. The vehicle was moving slowly. Too slowly, it seemed.

Shit!

The spotlight of the police car shone through my back window as the cruiser came to a stop behind me. I was fucked. Good and truly fucked. I had no reasonable explanation for being parked there. Stories started spinning in my mind, rational excuses for why I was parked in front of a house that was clearly unoccupied at the moment.

The cop took his time. I knew he was running my Oklahoma plates. It was obvious that I didn't live anywhere close. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. That what I had planned, while absolutely sinister, wasn't illegal. Not that I had the slightest intention of divulging my scheme to the police officer. I doubted he was that open minded.

The longer it took for him to decide my fate, the more I debated on whether or not to get out of my car. It was a crazy thought. One of many that raced through my head every second that I sat there. In a more lucid moment, I decided that I had the least chance of getting shot staying put where I was. That was when I also had the brilliant idea to lower my window and place both my hands on the steering wheel where the officer could see them.

Two shadows approached from behind and I silently rehearsed the story I'd cooked up in my head.

"Is that him?"

"Yes, officer."

Bree's voice broke the invisible stranglehold that the police officer had on me. I released the steering wheel and cupped my palm over my eyes to block the bright light that was blinding me from my side view mirror. "Bree?"

"Sorry to have caused trouble. I got detained at my folks' place."

"No problem, ma'am. Glad it was nothing. Y'all have a good eve'nin."

I rolled up my window, shut off my car and got out. The spotlight suddenly dimmed to black, leaving me to blink away the little circles of twinkling lights that now plagued my vision. We watched the squad car pull away from the curb and continue its steady creep down the dark street.

Bree went to her car and proceeded to pull it into the driveway, opening the garage door in time to pull inside. I met her at her car, the garage door grinding downward to shut behind us.

My plan had been totally derailed by the cop visit. My mood was all off. Instead of being the possessive, asshole boyfriend who'd come to take what was his, I was now the grateful and humble friend.

I owed her an explanation for why I was there. I needed to come clean. But when I looked down at her face, I saw the same expression I'd left at her parents' house.

"Did you get lost on your way to Oklahoma?"

At first I was shocked by what she said. Then hurt. I was glad that my plans were destroyed, because we weren't in a good enough place for what I'd wanted to do. "No. I'm exactly where I want to be."

Bree blinked hard. My answer surprised her. I moved toward the door to her house and opened it for her. She hesitated for a moment, probably debating on whether or not to open the garage door and kick me out, but then walked past me into the house. I followed her.

"I had this plan, before the cop arrived."

Bree tossed her purse onto the kitchen counter. "Oh, yeah? What was that?"

"I was going to yank you out of your car by the hair and shove you down onto the hood."

"In front of my neighbors?" I nodded. "Then what?"

The flush of her cheeks was noticeable. Her fingers were busy picking at her cuticles. "I would've wanted to fuck you at that point."

"But you wouldn't?"

"No."

"Because that's not what friends do?"

Huh? Her question caught me off guard and derailed my thought pattern. I needed to set one thing straight right away. "I don't want to be your friend, sweetheart."

I checked her expression. She looked a little lost. For some reason, it made my dick twitch seeing her like that.

"I would've refrained from fucking you the way I wanted in order to give you what you need first."

Bree's voice came out as barely a whisper. "What is that?"

"A good, long, hard spanking."

Bree licked her lips and then swallowed. Her fingernails dug into the heels of her palms. "Why?"

"Atonement."

Bree's eyes dropped to the floor. She was riddled with guilt, it was so obvious. We would never be able to move forward as long as she felt like that. It first dawned on me when she was apologizing at her parents' place. The very first moment we had to talk semi-privately, she chose to apologize. Self-loathing and doubt was consuming her so completely, she couldn't feel anything else.

If it were anyone but Bree, I wouldn't be so sure. I knew this girl. She was strong and vivacious. Not sorry. Not shaky, like she was barely holding it together. It sounded cruel, what I proposed doing, and something I never thought in a million years I'd be suggesting to the girl I'd already decided I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But seeing her standing there like she was, unsure what to do or think, I knew I had to follow through. She was begging me to step up and fix things, and I wasn't about to let her down.

"I know we need to talk, but we need to settle this first."

I could feel the trepidation rolling off her in waves. I could only imagine the struggle inside her mind. To admit that something humiliating and painful was just what she wanted was probably difficult to swallow for a girl so independent and headstrong. It was a cruel dilemma, and I loved every second she stood there grappling with it. No drug on earth could match the rush I felt from watching her struggle.

I suppose that made me some sort of sadist or something. I didn't know a lot about S & M, except what I'd read about the Marquis de Sade. I didn't really want to cause Bree the sort of pain that I'd read about, though. I was more interested in watching her give into her desires. Leading her to that edge of what her mind would accept, and then pushing her over that line. Whatever that made me, that was who I truly was inside, but never knew it until I met Bree.