Dead and Horny Ch. 21

Dana nodded.

"That man is not to be fucked with. C'mon, let's get your demon and bail, I'm not sticking around just in case he comes back." Tasia grabbed the railing and vaulted down the stairs, landing in a silent crouch on the landing. Dana followed, repeating the feat, and they were now in an offshoot hallway away from the chapel area. "Kitchen should be this way."

The kitchen had a set of double doors that swung open both ways, similar to a restaurant. When they entered, the counters were stacked high with sandwiches and bottled water. Tasia put her hands on one of the counters and leaned over it, gasping for air.

"Hey, we're almost there." Dana put a hand on Tasia's shoulder, which she shrugged off.

"I know, I'm sorry. My heart is pounding so hard right now, I just need another second." Tasia tensed up when somebody screamed outside. Dana moved to the nearest window and looked out to see Hat Man strolling across the yard with a small coffin hoisted up on his shoulder. Behind him, Timotei was shrieking in fury, his torso a mess of blood.

"He got what he wanted," Dana said, then moved to the far end of the kitchen where a warehouse-style door was. She slid the door open and was immediately greeted by the sight of three figures standing in the gloom of the loading dock. They turned in unison, the light of the kitchen revealing three men carrying guns. There was a moment of hesitation as both parties came to a halt.

"Fuck me," Dana muttered, then leapt forward before they could open fire.

Tasia watched Dana launch herself forward, catching the man in the front with a devastating knee to the jaw that rendered him immediately unconscious. On her way down, she drew her sword and brought it across the man to her left, which meant one remained on the right.

Moving fast, Tasia grabbed the barrel of the rifle as it was brought up and used her other hand to flip the safety back on. There was a moment of shock for the guard when he realized his gun didn't fire, but Tasia head butted him so hard that his nose burst like a balloon.

"That was close." Dana was crouched down over the man she had just killed, checking his pockets. "I thought for sure one of them would get a shot off."

"We're in the clear, but it won't be long before someone tries to check in with them. You don't pay good money for this kind of security without redundancies." Tasia dug through the man's pockets until she found his radio, which she crushed. He groaned in pain, and she pushed him onto his side so that he wouldn't drown in his own blood.

"Duly noted." Dana removed the radio from the unconscious man's collar, then yanked the microphone cord out. When she finished, she turned around and pulled the warehouse door shut. "I really hope the demon wasn't lying, because if this doesn't work, we're screwed."

"You're screwed either way."

Dana spun in place and smiled when Lily stepped around a set of shelves stacked high with boxes. She rushed to the succubus and threw her arms around the demon, squeezing tightly.

"Now, now, let's keep the public displays of affection to a minimum in front of our guest." The succubus hugged Dana back, despite her words. "Thanks for coming for me."

"Always." Dana took a step back and gestured at Tasia. "You remember our friend from Hawaii."

Lily nodded, lines of concern appearing on her face. "I do. Listen, we have a problem."

"That mother fucker in the hat? Yeah, we know. Look, we were completely on board with Eulalie's plan to wipe out the demon's nest, but there's been a change of circumstances. Somebody else is here, and he mopped the floor with that vampire and ripped apart a couple of people without even breaking a sweat." Dana watched Lily blink in surprise. "Wait, you didn't know?"

"They call him the Curator, and they're scared of him. No, the problem I'm referring to is--"

Lily didn't get a chance to finish. Around the corner stepped a monstrosity with several legs and the chitinous body of an arachnid below the torso of a human woman. The creature gave a shy wave to Dana, then looked at Tasia.

"I'm Eulalie, the rat queen. It's a pleasure to finally meet... okay, yeah, get it out of your system."

Tasia had backed into the nearest wall, her hands scrambling for something to grab onto. Though the effect was nowhere near as bad as with the mysterious Hat Man, this easily took second place. Based on her limited experiences, she was looking at a creature that was considered extinct long ago, and couldn't be allowed to live.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Dana stepped past Lily and shoved the Arachne, causing her to take a step backward. "Someone might see you!"

"Someone already has. As for your first question, I'm here for revenge. That was the point of this whole thing, right?" Eulalie pointed toward the closed doors. "If I remember correctly, you felt like you were outgunned by Count Chocula out there."

"I didn't mean you should come here!" Dana pressed her lips together into a thin line. "You said you had something to help with the vampire!"

"I do. Me." Eulalie sighed and looked at Tasia. "Look, I'm going to need you to speed up your mental breakdown. We have a very busy evening ahead of us."

"You're..." Tasia blinked several times and shook her head.

"She's a spider, you're a dog, get over it." Lily spun on Eulalie. "Where did you come in?"

"And why didn't you bring us right here? We had to walk through the marsh for over an hour." Dana put her hands on her hips.

"First of all, I came in through a hole in the attic. Second, it took my rats three hours to get here, which was after I called you. Deal." Eulalie pointed at the door. "Are they all through there?"

"Mostly, but there's some other guy here." Dana gave Eulalie a quick rundown of what she had seen happen in the lobby, then turned to Tasia. "That guy was coming for her, but ended up taking somebody's kid instead. He was pissed."

"The kid is Timotei's." Lily jerked her thumb toward the door. "The whole reason that bastard is working for Deacon is to turn his daughter back into a human. But even if he did, she's a literal monster. No soul, all hunger."

"And yet, I have zero fucks to give." Eulalie shook her head. "I'm here for the demon, and I'm not about to let anybody stop me."

"That's just it. We don't want to stop you. But right now, we're in over our heads, don't you understand?" Dana put a comforting hand on Eulalie's knee. "We don't know enough about this Curator guy."

"Where is he now?"

Tasia cleared her throat, which got everyone's attention. "I'm sorry, but back up a moment. You said the demon killed your sister."

Eulalie wiggled her hand back and forth, palm toward the floor. "Ish. It's a long story, but that's the gist of it."

"Are there more of you?"

Eulalie frowned. "Rude, but fair. No. To my knowledge, I'm the only Arachne walking around on all eights."

"Have you laid eggs?"

"I haven't. I don't have any interest, either. When was your last period?"

Tasia shook her head in astonishment. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were bonding over each other's sexual activities. My mistake." The Arachne skittered to one side, her body bouncing up and down like an anxious toddler. "Do you like doggy-style?"

Lily snorted into her hand, turning to hide her face.

"Point taken," Tasia grumbled.

"Look, I figured you could be cool with this, considering your current status with the Order. From one apex predator to another, there's no reason we can't just work together and then fuck off later." Eulalie crossed her arms and looked at the others. "You said this Curator guy ripped someone in half with his bare hands?"

Tasia nodded. "He did."

"Okay, then. I would like to counter." Eulalie moved across the floor without making a sound, then picked up the man who was coated in his own blood. She somehow set her mace down in midair, then picked the man up. When he groaned, she dropped him.

"That one is already dead," Dana said helpfully, pointing at the man she had stabbed. Eulalie moved toward the body and kicked him a few times before grabbing him by the shoulder and lifting him into the air.

"How about this?" she declared, then made a face and dropped him. "Oh, gross, ew!" The Arachne had blood on her hands, which she frantically wiped off on the man's pants.

"You were going to rip him in half, weren't you?" Lily was leaning against the shelves with a smirk on her face.

"Ugh, in theory, it's pretty straightforward." Eulalie gave the man a kick, sending him across the floor like a hockey puck. "I didn't account for how gross it would be."

"You've never killed someone before?" Tasia was in disbelief.

"Please. I was raised better than that." Eulalie's face scrunched up, and her human eyes looked up and to the right. "Um...hmm. I've never killed a person, no. But I can rip the head off a deer!"

"You shouldn't have come." Lily shook her head. "For so many fucking reasons."

Eulalie groaned and started to put her face in her hands, but stopped when she realized they were still bloody. "I had to come," she said. "You two needed my help."

"And you can help us by getting us out of here." Dana moved next to Eulalie and hugged the girl's waist, which caused her to lower her whole body. Lily moved to the other side of the Arachne and hugged her from that side. "You're not a killer, Lala."

"That's the whole reason you sent us," Lily added. "So that we could be the monsters you needed to get things done."

"I know, it's just..." Eulalie made a sputtering sound and her whole body drooped. The zombie and the succubus embraced her and no words were spoken. Tasia watched in awe as they consoled her, realization finally sinking in. Despite the last couple of days, she had once again made assumptions. It was the human part of her that struggled to let it go.

No, that was wrong. There was nothing wrong with the human part of her. It was her training, a lifetime inside the Order. They had been quick to turn on her, and she had almost been equally as quick to do so with Eulalie. She had thought of the Order as her family, but once the line had become blurry, they had been happy to part with her.

Not so with these women. Despite their differences, they were a family. Dana was a human who had become a killer, while Eulalie was a born killer who still seemed innocent.

Naturally, the jury was still out on Lily.

"Hey." Tasia moved away from the wall and approached the group huddle. "I know there's a lot going on, but we need to decide right now what happens next. Any moment, someone may come to check on Lily or these men, and then we're busted. Once the demon knows what's happening, well...this whole place is going to become a warzone."

"What's the matter? You ready to turn tail and run?" Lily smirked at Tasia from her place next to Eulalie.

"No, actually. But it's clear that this whole thing means something to her." Tasia gestured at Eulalie, who stiffened up. "If you guys want to commit a little light demon genocide, I'm in. But if you want to bail, that's cool, too. I assume when you mentioned the attic, you mean you have a portal there?"

Eulalie nodded. "I do," she said, her features twisted in sadness but free of tears. "It's how I got in."

"It sounds like that's our exit, then." Tasia crouched down next to the unconscious man on the floor. "And it doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe on our way out, we crack a few skulls, just to get the point across. It's not like you won't be able to track Deacon again."

Lily and Dana looked at Eulalie, who looked deep in thought. She stared at Tasia for several moments without a hint of expression, then nodded.

"I think she might be right." Eulalie rubbed at her nose and then picked up her floating mace. "Coming here really was a bad idea. For all of us."

Lily crossed her arms and stared down at her feet. "It hasn't been a picnic, but..." She looked up and shrugged. "It's not the first time I've wasted a trip to the beach."

"We aren't at the beach," replied Eulalie.

"I know. It's a bunch of bullshit." Lily nodded in Tasia's direction. "I assume you've taken precautions?"

The Arachne nodded. "I have." She turned to Tasia. "What that means is that the portal doesn't take us home. I don't want you to think we're planning an 11th hour betrayal or something."

"I would certainly hope not." Tasia let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding. "Well, I guess if that's settled...are we out of here?"

Eulalie sighed. "I guess, I don't know. It seems like a shame that we've come all this way."

"Yeah, well..." Lily patted Eulalie on her spider butt. "You'll get them next time, champ."

"That's obnoxious." Eulalie swatted Lily's hand away. "But yeah, you're right. I'll think of something. Besides, there's always the backup plan."

"Since that's settled, I guess--" Dana was interrupted by the sound of rattling metal and the sliding door was opened from the other side. Tasia watched in awe as Eulalie leapt straight into the air, flipping over to grab onto the rafters up above, then turned her attention to the door. On the other side was a pair of men, their weapons drawn. Behind them was an elderly woman and four more armed men.

"Well, well, well." Legion stepped aside as the men filed into the room and formed a semi-circle around Tasia, Lily, and Dana. "This is absolutely not what I expected."

Tasia raised her hands in surrender, along with Dana and Lily. The succubus looked more annoyed than anything, but Dana stared hard at the demon, her upper lip twitching.

"You three have caused quite enough trouble for me today. Take them to the chapel, but maintain your distance. The redhead and the brunette are both dangerous at close range, and I have no idea what the deal is with the blonde." Legion frowned at Dana. "I'd say we should put a bullet in you, but I suspect it might not work."

Dana shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time someone has tried today."

They were herded into a small circle and forced to walk through the kitchen. They came close enough to the counter that Tasia grabbed a pair of sandwiches that had been wrapped in plastic.

"Hey," grunted the man right behind her, but he didn't dare move any closer.

"Fuck you, I'm hungry," she muttered, then unwrapped the first sandwich and tore into it. Her bottomless pit of a stomach no longer cared that she was in mortal peril, and she figured a snack wouldn't hurt. As they walked back into the long hallway outside of the kitchen, she made sure to keep her eyes on the floor for fear of looking back to see if Eulalie was following them.

"So much for our escape plan," muttered Lily. "You two came all the way here just to get me captured again. Bravo." Though animosity dripped from her voice, Tasia recognized it as an act immediately.

Dana said nothing, her pupils unnaturally wide as she stared straight ahead but not really seeing anything. Lily elbowed the blonde, but didn't get a reaction from her.

By the time they made it to the chapel, it was packed full of Legion's minions. Up by the front door, Deacon was wringing his hands as he gazed over at the entourage.

"Is it really her?" he asked, taking a few steps toward them.

"Of course it is, you fool." Legion shook his head with a groan. "I'm trying to contact the Curator right now to arrange a swap. That will keep Timotei from ripping your head off."

Deacon let out a sigh of relief, and Tasia noticed there were red marks around the man's neck. There was also a bruise forming along his jawline. The air stank of fear and sweat, and it was primarily centered on the preacher.

"Finally, some good news." He pulled a rag from his pocket and mopped his brow. "I can't wait for this to be over."

"That's what she said!" shouted Lily. "Your wife, every time you fucked her!"

Deacon's gaze hardened and he lifted a finger in Lily's direction. Before he could speak, his own daughter stepped from behind him and took him by the hand, shaking her head.

"You're right," he mumbled, then allowed his daughter to lead him away. The parishioners closed ranks, filling the pews as the women were led up onto the stage. An additional team of armed men came in through the side doors, forming a ring around them.

"We aren't taking our eyes off of you," muttered the Legion nearest to them. "If any of them moves, shoot. The werewolf is worth more alive than dead, but I'm not taking any chances."

The men guarding them said nothing, but Tasia noticed that a few flipped their safeties off and fingers promptly went on the triggers. At the first sign of anything, they would shoot.

"Now this is a predicament. What sort of zany trick are we gonna pull this time?" Lily's tone was lighthearted, but she threw a look over at Dana. She was still staring straight ahead, her mind clearly somewhere else. The succubus turned her attention back to Legion. "Speaking of fun, what's the deal with your pet vampire? I'm sorry, vampyr. You all on the outs?"

Legion ignored her, but Lily continued. After several minutes, one of the men looked at Legion and gestured at the succubus with his gun.

"Do you want me to shoot her?" he asked.

"No. She'd only appreciate the attention." The demon got an odd look on their face and Tasia watched as several members of the congregation pulled out their cellphones. A sullen murmur went through the crowd before Legion looked back at the mercenary. "Do we still have someone at the end of the road?"

"We do."

"Would you have someone tell them to stop the vehicle leaving our premises and inform the driver immediately of our situation."

The man grabbed the microphone clipped to his shoulder and pressed the button. "Gateway, this is Frontline, do you copy?"

There was no response, only static. The man repeated himself, then clicked the button a couple more times before looking at Legion. "We're being jammed."

"Jammed? How?" Legion sniffed the air, then spun around in a circle as if chasing a scent. "Interference. Is it magic? Which one of you is doing this?" The demon noticed the faraway look in Dana's eyes and stepped toward her. "Is it you? What sort of witchcraft is this?"

"I would like to point out that she isn't a witch," Tasia muttered as Legion got in Dana's face.

"Hey! Stop that!" Legion slapped Dana twice, then grabbed her by the collar of her shirt. "You think a simple spell will just--"

Dana moved fast, her distant gaze locking on Legion's features as she grabbed the demon by the wrist. She pulled Legion's hand off her shirt, causing the fabric to tear, then promptly bit off a pair of the demon's fingers.

"Aagh!" Legion stumbled backward, staring in shock at the bloody stumps on her hand. Dana's head twitched from side to side as she chewed on Legion's digits before swallowing them. Her bloody lips parted and she let out a gasp of pleasure as her vision settled on the congregation.

The mercenaries had their guns raised, ready to follow orders, but the demon surprised everyone by laughing.

"Was that it?" She looked at Lily and held up her damaged hand. "Was this your zany escape attempt? Do you think I care about losing a few fingers? Ha!"

Lily's eyes went wide in shock, but it only lasted a moment. A massive grin blossomed on the succubus' face. Legion noticed this and paused.

"What's so funny?" they asked.

"It's the kind of joke that takes a minute to sink in." Lily cast a look in Tasia's direction. "You probably won't think it's very funny, though."

"Oh, I definitely won't think it's funny." Tasia scanned the room, taking in the location of the armed men. By her side, Dana was twitching with a silly grin on her face. "But I'm hoping at least a few of them get the joke."

Legion, sensing that something was up, took a step back, followed by another. An odd look crossed the demon's face and they let out a cough. "Have one of your men run down the road until they can contact the gate," they rasped.