Good Day Iowa!

"But you need to know this - the way I feel with you now is the way I felt when Lucy and I first started dating. And look what that turned into." I pointed to the pictures of our family on the wall. "Lots of people go through their entire lives never knowing what this kind of love is like. And I can't believe how fortunate I am to get to do it twice."

Tracey stepped back with a look of surprise on her face. "Brian, are you saying..."

I interrupted her. "I'm saying that I love you, Tracey. I was so hesitant to admit that because I felt so inadequate being with you, since you're so young and beautiful and outgoing and...and simply wonderful! But being with you now is what love feels like, Tracey. I know because this isn't my first time.

"I'm saying that I love you, Tracey Willis. I want to be with you for a long time. I want to be with you at least until I'm 80 and you're 55! I want to love you for so many reasons, but I definitely want to love you because you deserved to be loved by someone with their whole heart and mind, and that someone is me."

It was Tracey's turn to shed a tear, although she didn't stop at just one. "Brian...you don't know how badly I've wanted to say that to you, but I was afraid you'd tell me that I was jumping to conclusions like I have always done with the men I've dated. I've never felt anything close to anybody else like what I feel with you. I've known you were special from that first night in the bar, and you've done nothing to prove to me that I was wrong. In fact, you've only confirmed my thoughts!

"I love you too, Brian, and I plan on being with you well past my 55^th birthday! When I was doubting myself about ever being in love, you came along and really swept me off my feet. You gave me back a hope that I thought I had lost forever, and I've never doubted for a moment that I wanted to be with you. I love you too, Brian. I'm so in love with you!"

We kissed and hugged, content for the moment with simply holding each other. I could feel the front of my shirt getting wet from Tracey's tears, but I knew they were tears of joy, so I didn't mind it at all. This was a perfect moment; one I knew I'd remember for the rest of my life.

I smiled at her as she wiped the tears from her face. "You think you can be happy with an old guy like me?"

"Brian! I thought you were done with that nonsense!"

Now I laughed. "Got you! I may be old, but I can still be funny!"

She hugged me again, and we turned to look at the wall of pictures, where she pointed out one in particular.

"Tell me about this one."

It was a picture of Lucy and me, ballroom dancing together. "You'd better be careful, or you'll have me in tears again. It's special for two reasons - first is we liked to dance together, and the second is that dancing is the only reason we got together in the first place."

"Really? I've not heard a story like this before."

"You have to understand that I was very shy when I was in college. I also wasn't athletically gifted, and the college I attended had a requirement of at least one PE credit. I didn't want to take any of the sports-related classes, and there were other options available, but none of them sounded good to me. I ended up taking a class in ballroom dancing - which when done properly, is a very good cardiovascular workout. It was in that class that I met Lucy. We were paired up by the teacher on the very first day of class, and the rest is history.

"Dancing became our most favorite activity together. Several years ago, there were live combo bands that would tour the area playing dances and balls, and one of those bands happened to be located here, so they'd offer three or four dances per year. We had quite a faithful following of dancers in the area and made several life-long friends that way. But the members of the band got old and stopped playing, and ballroom dancing as an event faded. It's too bad, because I really miss it."

I glanced at Tracey, and I could see wheels turning in her mind. "Do you think there are still people here who would dance if they had a place for it? Especially if we could find a live band to play?"

I didn't know what she had in mind, but I could tell she was getting excited. "I'm not sure. When the dances stopped, we lost track of a lot of the regulars. Then when Lucy died...well, when I went into my shell, I stopped reaching out to those friends, for fear of being a third wheel."

Tracey started grinning. "Does the ALS board have any special Valentines' Day fundraisers planned?"

"No, not that I know of, why?"

She looked directly at me. "I don't know if we have time to pull this off. But it would be so much fun if we could! What if we had a ball for Valentines' Day, as a fundraiser for ALS? We could call it 'Dance for the Cure,' or something like that. We'd need to see if we could find a live swing band - maybe one of the colleges in the area would have a jazz band that could play dance tunes for us. If we combine it with a fancy dinner, we'd create a social opportunity that probably hasn't been seen around here in a long time, and we could end up raising a lot of money."

She stopped, giving us both time to imagine what an ALS ball might look like. I couldn't help but start thinking out loud. "We'd have to find a place to hold it - perhaps a convention center, or some of the hotels have large meeting spaces that might work. There must be places that have large open spaces for this kind of thing."

She could see my excitement begin to build as I thought more about the possibility of getting to dance again. And I knew that a large part of that excitement was knowing that Tracey would be my date, and if the public didn't know before that we were a couple, they would certainly know after. And as awkward as it might be for both of us to encounter people who would frown at our age difference, I was finding that once I resolved myself to accept it, I really didn't care what other people thought.

******

We threw all our energy into planning the Valentine's Day ball. Either divine luck or plain and simple good fortune fell on us, because we quickly secured a hall and a college swing band for live music. Tracey worked her magic with some of her television show clients, finding one of the great BBQ places in the city to give us a huge break on meal prices in exchange for advertising considerations on the show. They guaranteed the best prime rib we'd ever eaten, and to me, that seemed like the perfect meal for a very special event. The station started an advertising blitz for us, and we were surprised when early ticket sales were strong. It was shaping up to be a great event.

The Christmas season came and went. Tracey decided it had been months since she'd gone home to visit her family, so her plans were to be away for a little over a week. She asked me to join her, but in the mental health world, the holiday season is filled with crisis opportunities, and even though I was not seeing clients between December 18 and January 3, I knew there would be emergency calls that would require immediate attention. I was happy that both my boys were coming to visit, but sad that they would not get to meet Tracey in person. I did introduce them to her, however, by watching her shows at 12:30 p.m. while they were here, and I enjoyed talking about her as well. Both my boys were happy I'd found someone, though Landon joked that if he knew I was into younger women, he would have called some of his old girlfriends to see if they were available.

On January 4^th, I went back to work. The date wasn't so notable for that fact, but it was notable for something else - it was the date that my world came crashing down again. I received the worst news I'd heard since Lucy's original ALS diagnosis. During my lunch break, my phone rang, and I noticed it was Tracey's number. It was unusual for her to call during the day unless we were heavily working on a PR project for ALS, so I was expecting it to be about the Valentine's Ball.

"Hey, beautiful, this is a pleasant surprise! How are you today?"

When she didn't answer my question, I started to get worried. "What time are you finished at work today?"

I checked my calendar. "My last appointment should be over at 4:15. Why - what's going on?"

Tracey paused for a bit, and then said, "We need to get together as quickly as possible. Can I come to your house around 4:45?"

Now I was completely worried. "I should be home by then. Tracey, what's wrong?"

"I need to tell you in person, Brian. This isn't something we can discuss over the phone."

"Okay, Tracey. I'll be there. Do you want me to plan something for dinner?"

"No, I'll take you out tonight, my treat. I need to get back to work. I'll see you at 4:45. And Brian...I love you."

She disconnected the call before I had a chance to answer. I put my phone back in silent mode and stuffed it in a desk drawer. My mind started spinning with the possibilities about why we needed to meet so quickly after work. I struggled to focus on my clients that were scheduled for the afternoon, because I kept reflecting on her phone call. Fortunately, they were all repeat clients, and when I was able to focus on them, it helped make the time go by more quickly.

When I pulled into my driveway after work, Tracey was already there. She quickly came over to my car as I opened my door, and I could tell that she'd been crying. She gave me a hug on the spot, and then led me into the house. Once inside, she hugged me even harder, and started crying again. I held her like that for several minutes. I feared what she was going to tell me was upsetting. It turned out I couldn't have been more correct.

Once Tracey had composed herself a bit, she said, "We need to sit down, Brian." She led me to my couch, and we sat. She turned to face me, holding her gaze on mine for a moment.

"Brian, what I'm about to tell you would ordinarily be so exciting, but I'm afraid it's having the opposite effect on me. During my week with my family at Christmas, I received an email from a television station in Columbus, Ohio. They had an on-air opening and they thought I'd be perfect for what they were looking for. They asked to see examples of my work, so I sent them the web address of a resume page that had links to some of the things I've done here in the past.

"A lot of what I had posted was the work we've been doing on behalf of ALS. I think it was what convinced them that I was perfect for their vacancy. They were looking for a weekend evening news anchor that would also be a features reporter during the week, and they felt my work demonstrated that I could do both.

"Brian, normally I would jump at this chance, because it's a big promotion, both financially, and that it's a chance for me to demonstrate my ability in the news field more than I get to here. But it's killing, me, Brian, because I don't want to leave you here. I'm so deeply in love with you, and I finally found the perfect man I've been looking for all along, and now this...I should be elated, but my heart won't let me be."

I lowered my head as my heart sunk in my chest. I was smart enough to know that the Iowa television market was small-time, and that many of the anchors and reporters I'd enjoyed watching over the years didn't stay long when they had the same type of opportunity come along that Tracey was telling me about now. I knew she would be foolish to not accept this offer. But I knew the consequences of her acceptance, and I didn't like how that appeared to me.

But I had to be strong for her and put my own feelings aside for a while. "Tracey, listen to me. This is a great opportunity, and you know you must take it! You perform magic on the screen, and I know you'll blossom with this new opportunity."

"I know you're right, Brian. But the thought of leaving you here while I go away is unacceptable. I NEED you, Brian! These have been the best few months of my life, and it's all been because of you. It's ironic that it's my ALS work that convinced the station in Columbus that I was the right person for their vacancy. Had it not been for that first interview, and then all the other wonderful things that have come out of that, I probably wouldn't have had a chance at this new job."

While I had always been impressed with her on-camera presence and the way she related so well to everyone on her program, I realized that her work for ALS had been outstanding, and I wasn't surprised that it had garnered her some well-deserved recognition. And she was right - fate had put us together, and out of our hard work for a great cause, a beautiful romance had flourished, and was now making what should have been a joyful event seem like a crushing blow to that romance.

Before I could say something else, Tracey said, "Brian, please think about coming with me! I know that it wouldn't happen by the end of this month, which is when Columbus wants me to start. But knowing you were going to join me there would make the time we were apart seem less agonizing."

I had not even thought about the possibility of leaving here to follow her to Columbus. My roots were so deep here, and I had never considered a scenario where I'd leave to move somewhere else. Suddenly I found myself weighing my options - happiness in a new place with Tracey, countered with the prospect of leaving clients and my house...

My house - my shrine to Lucy. All the memories of a perfect marriage...a marriage that only stopped because her illness and death. This was home. This was where our boys were raised. This was the last anchor to that wonderful life I had with that wonderful woman, and now Tracey was asking me to give it up to move with her. I knew that my new happiness was due to my new relationship with her. But was it enough to leave this shrine to my beloved Lucy?

I started playing the 'therapist Brian vs. relationship Brian' mind game again. Therapist Brian was telling relationship Brian that leaving this shrine to my Lucy didn't mean I would be leaving Lucy behind. Therapist Brian also counseled that I had been able to prove that I had more than enough love for both Lucy and Tracey, and my life was certainly better now that it has been the past few years when loneliness was the main theme of my existence.

But...I just didn't know. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. "Tracey, you are a huge part of my life right now, and the thought of not having you hurts my heart. You have to go, but can you give me time to investigate the possibility of letting go here and coming to be with you?"

Tracey gave me a little half-smile. "Just knowing there's a possibility is more than I had hoped for. I know you've been here for a long time, and I know this is still Lucy's house as much as it is yours and I honestly love you for that. I promise I won't put pressure on you, but just know that no matter how good this new job will be, my life won't be complete without you."

She came closer to me, and eventually crawled into my lap. We held each other without saying a word for about twenty minutes. For the moment, it was the best therapy available for us, and I found myself wishing that we could stay like this forever and leave the rest of the world behind. It was the perfect fantasy, but it could never happen that way.

Eventually Tracey remembered that she had promised to buy me dinner. We headed to one of our favorite fast-food restaurants for a burger and fries. While we ate, we discussed the possibility of having a long-distance relationship, but the biggest sticking point to that idea was the fact that our days off would never coincide, since she had to work weekend evenings as the news anchor and her days off would be on Monday and Tuesday. It was one of several frustrating reasons why the long-term option was not great.

On the way back to my house, we stopped at her apartment so she could grab a change of clothes for tomorrow. There was no way either of us wanted to be apart from the other that night. Shortly after we got home, we went straight to bed, making love as slowly and passionately as possible. After, she spooned back into me, and I held her tightly. We were in the same position when we woke up in the morning.

*****

I spent the next few weeks in deep thought about how it would be possible for me to give up my job and release my clients to someone else. I was worried that the likelihood of them finding someone to replace me wasn't high, since rural states seem to have a difficult time attracting mental health workers.

Each night I would go home and look at all the things that kept my house as a shrine to Lucy. Tracey had told me that she was renting an apartment, so I knew if I did move in, there would not be room for many of my possessions. I wasn't worried about getting rid of things like furniture and dishes. It was the pictures and other personal reminders of my life with Lucy that would be difficult to part with.

The day came for Tracey to move. A moving company had come to collect her furniture and other possessions, though it wasn't very much. The small box truck had left. Tracey and I stood in her apartment one last time. Since we'd become an official couple, we had spent every other weekend together in this apartment, so there were certainly good memories that were being left behind. When I mentioned that to Tracey, she smiled and replied, "Come to Columbus and help me make new memories there!"

I knew she was half-joking since she'd done a great job of not pressuring me to move with her all the time. She knew it was a difficult decision for me, and she respected that her badgering me to decide would not make it an easier decision. I kept looking for an easy solution, but one wasn't presenting itself. So much of me wanted to go with her and give all my past life up. But too much of me was afraid that wasn't a smart and sensible thing to do. I needed something to push me one way or another - something that I had not been able to think of yet. I didn't know what it could possibly be, hoping that when it happened, I knew it would lead me to do the right thing.

Standing in the apartment, we knew it was time for her to go. We kissed and hugged. I didn't want to let her go. But this was a great professional move for her, and I would have probably felt even more miserable if she had turned it down to stay with me.

We walked out to her car, and I hugged her again. I started to say something, but she cut me off. "Do not say goodbye, Brian. This is not goodbye! It's just a temporary period of absence, but it is not goodbye."

She was right, and it made me smile. I kissed her one last time and said, "See you later, Tracey Willis. I love you - please be safe!"

She kissed me back and replied, "See you later, Brian Stewart. I love you, and I'll keep you posted on my drive."

She got into her car, backed out of her parking spot, and headed down the driveway and into the street. I followed her with my eyes until I could no longer see her. It was that moment that gloom and loneliness descended upon me, and I could barely breathe.

It was early evening by the time she had left. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, so I did what I used to do when that was my life before Tracey - I went to the sports bar where we had first met. I had not been back since that fateful night, but nothing had changed. I had my two drinks and tried to find a basketball game in which to get interested, but I knew I was kidding myself, because the only thing I could think about was the sight of Tracey going around the corner and driving away from me.

I was preparing to leave after my second drink when my phone surprisingly rang. It was Tracey. "Hello, honey - are you okay?"

Tracey laughed. "You called me honey! I'm fine, but just terribly lonely. Are you at home?"

"No, I came to the sports bar - you know, where we met."