Guilt and Lust

I needed to let Kordai know how special this was to me. How special she was to me. I pulled her mouth from my neck and tried to kiss her a third time. This time, not only did Kordai deny me, but she pushed me off of her with surprising strength. I almost ended up on the floor. She was out of the bed by the time I caught myself.

"We need to talk." Her words seemed almost foreign to me as she started dressing. They were cold and unfeeling, yet only moments before she'd been under me, clearly enjoying herself. It didn't make any sense. I wanted to understand, but before I could ask a question she added, "Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen."

That would have been strange enough, but then Kordai did the impossible before she left. She pulled Sarina's ring from my pinky and held it without putting it on. That was shocking enough, but then I saw her expression. It was full of revulsion instead of desire. Oddly, I could feel something similar coming from the ring despite no longer wearing it.

I was alone in my room a moment later. I was stunned silent and motionless for a time before I finally struggled to my feet and pulled a tee-shirt and a pair of sweatpants on. I had no idea what was going on. The answers were out in the kitchen, but I wasn't ready to face them quite yet.

My need for release had lessoned with Kordai's coldness, but it hadn't dissipated fully. The moment was almost surreal despite that. For the first time since I took the ring from my father's dying hands, it was off my finger without linking me to some poor doomed young woman. I didn't feel Sarina power seeping through me and affecting my every thought and feeling.

This had to be Kordai's doing. She obviously knew that there was something different about the ring, but that didn't explain how she was able to touch it without coming under Sarina's influence. It also didn't explain the succubus's revulsion toward the woman. The more I thought about it, the less I understood and the more questions I had.

I remember thinking initially that Sarina's reaction toward the shapely woman was because there might be something real between Kordai and me. That maybe we could have loved each other in a different life. Honestly, a part of me still felt that it might be true despite her refusal to kiss me and her coldness afterward. Of course, the ever-present little voice in the back of my head knew better. It laughed at the possibility, pouring out its contemptuous ridicule and filling me with it.

The last of my need for physical release didn't so much fade as disappear. A man like me would never find someone who could love him. I was a monster and I knew it. Maybe it wasn't my fault, but that didn't make it any less true. My guilt and sorrow over what I was and what I'd done returned in full measure. It nearly crushed me to the ground. I could feel my legs literally wobble, so I quickly sat on the end of the bed.

The problem was that deep down there was still a part of me that was sure that if I was only a little smarter, a little stronger, I could find a way out from under the family curse. It didn't matter than none of my ancestors before me had succeeded. I should have found a way.

"The fight's not over yet." Brave words. I said them out loud to myself at least once a day, but some days my conviction was stronger than others. This wasn't one of them.

The truth was that more and more, I felt myself wanted to just give in and give Sarina what she wanted despite the fact that it would make me an even worse monster. In the last ten years I hadn't had a moment's break from her and her constant drive for sexual fulfillment.

Don't get me wrong. I knew that there was plenty of reasons not to give up. I fought hard over the years against Sarina and her desires. I held both off as long as I could each time, but eventually I always failed.

I remembered every girl we'd used since the succubus entered into my life. I also remembered what we left behind when we were done. That alone should have been enough to keep me fighting. Sure, I always failed, but at least I delayed the inevitable. The line of victims would have been exponentially greater otherwise.

It wasn't just the women we ruined that kept me fighting. It was also knowing myself. I tried hard to be a good man. My grandparents had shown me the way, but I never forgot that I was from a long line of evil men, of monsters. I knew that I had a darkness inside of me that should never see the light of day.

Sarina's offer of power was real. I could use her to become rich. I could use her to become almost anything I wanted. Lust and the need to seek physical satisfaction was a human condition. It opened unopenable doors. It made all men its slaves.

I'd learned that the hard way. It was one of the biggest reasons why I fought against the succubus. I didn't want to make other men and woman feel as powerless as I did most days. I would hate myself if I did that.

Yet, none of those reasons were enough to keep me fighting by themselves or even altogether, not for this long. No, the reason why I still fought was one thing and one thing alone. I would not propagate the family curse. I would not make one of the poor souls we used have a child like my mother. I would not do to my son what my father did it me. I would not doom a child of mine to this kind of life. I simply refused.

"The fight's not over yet." This time the words had more conviction. I stood, steadier on my feet yhis time. Maybe I never had a moment's break from Sarina and her twisted passions before, but that's exactly what was happening now. I needed to understand it and see if I could use what caused it to help free me from the succubus.

The only thing I knew right now was that it had something to do with Kordai. She'd pulled the ring off my finger as if it were the most natural thing in the world without falling under Sarina's sway. I needed to know how she did it. There was only one way to find out. I left my bedroom.

"Who are you?" I asked without preamble as I joined Kordai. The kitchen and living room were really just one long room. There was no wall between the two.

My apartment was small. Just the bedroom, a bathroom with a small shower and the living room that connected directly to the kitchen. I had a kitchen table, but it was on the small side and took up most of the free space on that side of the room. The place was cheap, clean and frankly, all I needed since I never invited anyone over for obvious reasons.

I noticed that Kordai was cooking pancakes which seemed oddly out of place. "What are you?"

"Eat." She handed me a full plate, ignoring my questions. I wanted to argue, but the sight of the food made me hungry.

I sat and plowed through the pile of pancakes surprisingly quickly. The mix of syrup, butter and cooked flour tasted so good that it was almost like they were something new and different instead of something I'd eaten thousands of times before. Kordai replaced my empty plate with a second full one the moment I was done. I worked my way through that one too, if at a little slower pace.

The full-bodied girl was dressed in her clothes from the night before. Let's just say it wasn't breakfast cooking attire. Still, she looked good in them. In fact, everything about her looked good. Her green streaked dark brown hair was done up in a French braid that showed off the greenish yellow highlights nicely, which was pretty amazing considering her hair had been a rumpled mess not long ago while she lay under me. Her makeup, if she wore any, was perfect.

"You're not human, are you?" It was a crazy question, but I had the feeling I was right. Kordai sat across from me with a cup of coffee in her hands. Again, she ignored my question. We sat that way for almost a full minute. Kordai was watching me carefully with her odd colored eyes.

"Now we talk." It didn't take long to realize that by talk Kordai meant she asked the questions and I answered. "How did you get the ring?" She nodded toward the center of the table where the small gold band rested. I realized that although I hadn't really seen it, I already knew it was there. It saddened me because it meant I was still tied to it and the demon inside.

"My father gave it to me," I answered, knowing that I needed to be careful. There was something about her greenish yellow eyes that made me think she'd know if I lied to her, and that it would somehow cost me. "Well, if you want to call a man I'd met exactly once my father."

"How did he get it?" Kordai took a sip from her cup, but her eyes never left me.

"His father. It's a family thing," I replied, sitting back from my mostly empty plate. "I think of it as our family curse." She tilted her head at that, but didn't comment. I took her hesitation as an excuse to ask a question of my own, "Do you know who the ring holds?"

"Not who," she replied, surprisingly me. "What. It holds the essence of a succubus."

"Sarina." I swallowed at saying the name out loud. Kordai shrugged as if unimpressed.

"The name matters little." It mattered to me, but I understood what she meant. "What does matter is that it exists here, in this world. That shouldn't be."

"If you know of a way to get rid of her, then I'm all ears." I thought my words were a touch too sarcastic, but that didn't seem to bother Kordai. She did give me one of those penetrating looks again before asking her next question.

"How did she get here?"

"Well, if I understand correctly, her and my great, great, great...actually, I don't know how many greats are involved. The bottom line is that she and one of my ancestors made a deal."

"The amount of power that would take..." Kordai began, but then cut herself off. She needn't have bothered. It's not like I could or would duplicate what happened.

"Can you help me get rid of her? Is there a way to break the bargain?" I thought they were good questions that deserved an answer, even if the answer destroyed the last of my hope.

Instead, Kordai's eyes grew suddenly big as she continued to watch me. It wasn't until I caught her looking at my hand that I realized something was wrong. The ring was back on my pinky.

"I don't remember putting it back on." My tone was more glum than surprised as I felt Sarina begin to reassert herself despite Kordai's presence. "Can you take it off again?" I held my hand out toward the dark-haired young woman.

"You didn't put it back on," the full-bodied young woman replied, clearly more shocked than me as she reached out toward my hand. Her fingers never touched the ring. They got close and then she pulled them back quickly, as if she'd been burned. "I was told it was strong, but it's far more powerful than I expected."

"Great." My delivery was monotone, but that didn't mean I wasn't disappointed. Okay, that was a huge understatement. I was damn near crushed. I still had loads of questions. Things like what do you means by 'I was told it was strong', but the problem was that whatever I was thinking and feeling was forced into the background as a wave of dark desire washed over me.

My eyes were now locked onto Kordai's full breasts. I'd noticed them when I first walked in, but I'd been able to ignore their allure. No more. The jewel on the necklace she wore nestled between her soft globes enticingly and I wanted to touch it, touch them.

"You need to go. Now!" I wanted to tell Kordai that she'd better run, but if she did, I was afraid I'd chase her. No, I knew I'd chase her. "Please!"

I'm not sure if I was begging Kordai to leave or Sarina for mercy. It didn't matter. Nether did what I wanted. Kordai stood, but didn't leave and Sarina's power beat my resistance into nonexistence.

"This will get you nowhere in the end." I knew the young woman's cryptic comment was for Sarina, but that didn't help me fight against the succubus's need, especially when it redoubled. Clearly, Sarina disagreed with Kordai, which only made the young woman in front of me shrug and add with what sounded like forced patience, "As you wish."

Okay, that wasn't only what Kordai did. She also looked at me. "Can you hold her at bay?" I thought the question ridiculous. All she had to do was look at me and see how impossible that would be. Yet, she'd asked the question, and because of that, I redoubled my own efforts against Sarina. It worked for all of a few seconds.

"No!" I cried in sorrow, a healthy dose of guilt now mixed in with my incredible need. My lustful desire was so strong that my vision literally blurred, but not before I saw the odd smile on Kordai's face at my failure.

I don't remember moving toward her. One moment I was watching Kordai and the next her blouse was ripped open and my face was buried between her heavy breasts. My guilt rose until I realized that the dark-haired woman was neither under Sarina's control or fighting me.

That didn't remove my guilt and frustration, but it did lesson it. I tried to shift up and kiss her, but once again Kordai reused. She wrenched away and spun so that her back was to me. I cried out in frustration and forced her legs apart. I shoved her shoulders so that she was face down on the kitchen table. She pushed the plates to the side to make room. Some even fell off the table, but it didn't matter.

Kordai wasn't really ready, but she didn't fight me as I pulled her black spandex down to her thighs. Her heeled boots caused her ass to be angled perfectly for what I needed. I pushed into her from behind with one long stroke. I held Kordai down and thrust in and out of her forcefully. The dark pleasure I received from doing so was only matched by my sorrow at having to take her this way.

The truth had dawned on me with her refusal to kiss me. I didn't know much about the shapely woman, but it was obvious that she understood my curse. She wasn't giving herself to me out of any desire on her part. No, Kordai let me take her because she knew that it was the only way to get me passed the dark desires Sarina poured into me.

The only saving grace was that since the curvy woman wasn't wearing the ring the succubus couldn't touch her soul, not that it stopped her from trying. I was tied to Sarina deeply enough to sense that there was some unseen war going on between her and Kordai, but for the moment it seemed pretty obvious that the full-bodied young woman was winning.

Still, Kordai clearly didn't like giving herself to me. She did it because it was the only way to help me regain control without anyone else getting hurt. I had no idea why she was willing to do that, and in some ways, it horrified me, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of me also loved her for it.

How could I not? I'd fought against Sarina for ten years completely alone. I'd abandoned my family, knowing the truth that what I was would kill them. Besides, there was nothing they could do for me. So, to suddenly have someone who could help, even if it was too soon to tell if they were truly on my side, was a gift I'd never forget or be able to repay. For that alone, Kordai deserve better.

I might not have known exactly who she was, but it was the little things that mattered. Kordai had been kind to the regulars at Cal's when she hadn't had to be. She obviously cared about Claire. She took the woman home and made sure she was safe before returning.

I still had no idea why Kordai had come back. I hoped that I would find out eventually. There was still so much I needed to learn about the woman under me, but the bottom line was that deep inside I knew that she deserved to be treated better than this. It didn't even matter if I was wrong or right in the long run. Right now, I was grateful in a way I couldn't possibly explain to have her with me.

Kordai was the first woman I'd been able to feel a connection to without fearing it was Sarina's doing. I know it sounds crazy, but I would have loved to take her out on a real date instead of what we were doing. The problem was that the succubus would not be denied. So instead of showing Kordai my appreciation, I was making her pay for her kindness. Well, Sarina and me. I wondered if the young woman under me would ever be able to forgive me.

The pang of guilt was expected. The fact that it quickly morphed into something far stronger wasn't really a surprise. I was a man with ten years of regrets bottled up inside of him. I'd spent my entire adult life anguishing over them.

Still, despite that no amount of self-condemnation had ever been able to interfere when Sarina whipping my libido into a frenzy, and right now she was going all out. Kordai's black spandex were bunched just beneath her ass, helping lift it enticingly. Her butt cheeks shivered and shook with each thrust. Her whole body did to a lesser extent, driving me mad with desire.

Kordai chose that moment to moan. It completely undid me. Why would she moan if she didn't want what was happening?

My orgasm hit suddenly, but not so quickly that I didn't pull out first. I came all over Kodai's back and ass. The physical release was a relief, but not nearly as satisfying as it should have been. It wasn't the only unexpected thing about the moment.

The truth was that I'd enjoyed my first time with Kordai before breakfast in my bedroom far more despite not actually finishing. I guess it was because Sarina hadn't been part of it.

It was the only time in my life that something more than kissing and simply petting had occurred without the succubus being involved. My desire had been less all encompassing, but far more tangible. I would hold on to those few minutes forever because it was as close as I'd probably ever get to feeling real passion.

What I felt normally with the women Sarina took was anything but that. That was dark and uncontrollable. It wasn't a joining of souls as I imagined a relationship between true lovers would be. It was an overwhelming need, followed by loss, followed by horror and guilt. All those poor women we used over the years.

Having those few moments without the succubus's lustful powers washing through me made their return soul-wrenching. I never realize how much of what I'd done with Sarina had been blotted out by the succubus. Either she was unable to do so any longer because of the brief separation Kordai caused or the succubus was punishing me. In the end, it didn't matter which.

I felt completely ravaged and would have fallen to the floor in guilt-ridden sorrow if I could, but Sarina wasn't done with me. The dark desires that were her domain flooded into me even more so than before. My release was forgotten as I reached for Kordai once more. There were tears running down my cheeks. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop what was about to happen.

There was a sadness in Kordai expression that twisted my soul, but it didn't last. She'd rolled over on the table and was facing me. I pulled her roughly to the edge, ready to do what Sarina demanded. The guilt crushed down on me, but it wouldn't stop what was about to happen.

That's when the pain hit. A wave of agony washed over me. Not pain bought about by guilt, but real pain. I would have said it was a relief, and I guess it was in some ways, but it quickly grew in strength until it was all encompassing.

This had never happened before with Sarina. Was this because I had my release without the succubus being fed? Was Sarina making me somehow making me pay? She had only been able to affect my emotions before, and even then, only the ones related to desire and lust. Sure, I had plenty of guilt and sorrow, but those were all my own.

I was in so much pain that I almost didn't realize that Kordai was somehow standing in front of me and grasping one of my arms. At first, I thought she was trying to help steady me. It took a few moments to realize the truth.

I was submerged in a wash of agony. It made me slow to connect things, but eventually I understood. It wasn't that hard. My anguish all stemmed from the young woman's touch. Kordai's eyes glowed greenish yellow as she watched me suffer. There was a hunger there similar to what Sarina caused in me, but not the same. I could feel myself weakening.