Guilt and Lust

I felt momentarily betrayed, but it didn't last. I had no idea what Kordai was. I'd known she was something more than human, but I guess I'd hoped it was something better. Yet, I think deep down I knew that the young woman would be something dark.

I was always sure I'd pay for my sins one day. I guess today was that day. I knew I wouldn't last much longer. It's not like I didn't deserve death a hundred times over for everything I'd done over the last ten years. The truth was that a large part of me would welcome it. It was a way out that had been denied me by Sarina in the past.

I'd always dreamed of breaking free from the succubus's control. Maybe this pain was my way of finally doing that. It would cost me my life, but so be it. I felt a moment of anticipated relief despite the agony. Only, it didn't last.

If death was an end to the family curse than I would have found a way to take my own life years ago despite the succubus's desire to keep me alive. Sarina had made it clear early on that the bond between her and my line wouldn't be broken by something so simple.

The succubus's ring was handed down father to son, but if there was a death before that could happen then Sarina would seek out the next oldest member of the same generation as the current holder of the golden band. It was no secret that I had plenty of half brothers and sisters out there.

Of course, doing so would have a two-fold effect. First, it would weaken Sarina because it would be an imperfect bond. Not only would her ability to affect our reality lessen, but she would only be able absorb a small portion of every soul she ate. Just enough to keep the bond going. Never enough to satisfy her.

That in and of itself was bad for the succubus and sufficient reason for her to want to keep me alive, but it did nothing to give me cause to want to continue living, not with the bond controlling my life. No, that came from the second effect my death would cause.

The succubus wouldn't just bond with the next oldest male of my generation. The imperfect bond would allow her to control him somewhat like she did her female victims. It would slowly or not so slowly drive my half-brother mad. At which point, Sarina would move on to the next oldest.

Can you imagine the death and mayhem that would follow? The succubus cared nothing for us humans, but she was an angry, vindictive demon. There would be a wave of bodies in her wake. Worse, what she did care about was her food source.

Sarina would eat as many souls as it took to keep the bond intact. She might only gain sustenance from a small portion of what she devoured, but the end result was the same for her victims. They would be soulless husks, one and all.

My demise would weaken the succubus, but it would also cause more death and destruction in the short term. In the long, it wouldn't matter one iota because once the oldest male of the next generation where Sarina took part in the conception hit puberty, the ring would fall to him and the full bond would be in place once more.

All the victims she would take would be bad enough, but I couldn't do that to my poor unborn nephew. At least I'd been lucky enough to be eighteen when the succubus entered my life. I couldn't imagine how it would have affected me if it happened as soon as I hit puberty. I was very young. I was betting that was true for most of the men in my line.

It also didn't help thinking about how many of my half-brothers the succubus would take control of and drive insane as she waited. I didn't know any of my half-siblings, but I wondered about them frequently.

I was certain that many probably had far worse lives than mine up until I inherited the ring. I doubt their mothers survived any longer than my own and at least I had my grandparents. The odd part was that I felt oddly responsible for them all despite not knowing any of them. Maybe it was because I was the ring bearer for our generation, or maybe it was because I was simply the oldest.

I day dreamed about meeting some of them at times, but I always knew that the best thing I could do for them was stay out of their lives.

"He cannot be saved!"

Kordai's cry brought me back to myself. Unfortunately, the agony I'd been fighting to suppress returned as well. The young woman almost seemed to be arguing with herself, but I couldn't focus on that. The pain was too much. I screamed. It changed nothing.

The young woman's eyes were swirling pools of brown, green and yellow that glowed brightly without adding any actual light to the room. Whatever hesitation I thought I'd sensed was gone. Her eyes drove deep inside me, causing the pain to redouble.

There comes a point when faced with incredible agony that all the logic in the world doesn't matter anymore because your brain simply stops working. I hit mark and surpassed it quickly. I no longer cared about Sarina and what she would do if I died. All I wanted was relief from the pain and deep down I knew that that was only moments away.

Maybe whatever Kordai was would break the bond with my death, ending my family curse. Maybe she wouldn't. That was beyond my ability to control. Everything was at that moment and I felt surprisingly at peace despite my body literally spasming in pain.

"Thank...you!" I forced the words out through clenched teeth as the excruciating pain wracked my body.

Much of my remorse over what I'd done under Sarina's compulsion faded as the agony reached a crescendo. Then again, pretty much everything did. Still, my sorrow and regret had been a part of me for so long that it felt strange, almost like a rebirth.

Kordai's eyes flared even brighter as she reached out with her free hand and grasped my other arm. This was the moment. The one I'd been craving for what felt like an eternity. My life would be over, but so would the sorrow and guilt I'd lived with each and every second since the succubus's ring came into my possession.

That's when Sarina reasserted her dominance. I'd felt her in the background throughout, but suddenly an overpowering burning lust crashed against the agony and somehow held it back. I cried out in frustration. Well, that and need.

Kordai was still holding my arms, but somehow her grip seemed weaker. I used both hands to push her back. Her legs hit the table, but that didn't stop me. I continued to force her rearward until her only choice was to fall onto the table, face up. I fell right along with her, landing on top of the young beauty.

The need to take her was as strong as I'd ever felt. That didn't stop me from noticing Kordai's expression. She seemed somewhat surprised once more by Sarina's strength, but more obviously, she looked disgusted by what was about to happen. Not afraid mind you. Sickened, and oddly, more than a little annoyed. It threw me for a moment despite my overwhelming hunger for her body, but only a moment.

I pull off my shirt and leaned down, pressing my chest against Kordai's breasts. I guess some part of me still wanted to feel close to her. She'd almost been my savior. She still might be. I could feel the battle still raging between her and Sarina, and it was epic.

I wasn't expecting the burst of renewed pain against my chest, but as my skin touched the gem nestled between Kordai's breasts it struck. I reacted instinctually and lifted off of her just enough to yank the stone from her neck and thrown it across the room toward the front door to my apartment.

I immediately realized something had changed. I could feel Sarina's triumphant cry as the stone sailed away from the woman under me. The pain dissipated immediately and my mind began working once more, if a bit sluggishly. Then again, it didn't have to work all that well for me to understand.

Kordai's necklace was something like my ring and I'd taken it from her. My dread at the realization was mixed with my need for satisfaction. Oddly, the dread continued to grow while the need lessoned. That didn't make sense. Sarina won, or did she?

I looked down at my hand and saw that the succubus's ring gone. It was in Kordai's hand, but she looked more confused than anything else.

It was then that I saw the differences in the woman under me. She looked the same, but not. Her hair was now fully dark. There were no longer any streaks of green or yellowish green highlights. The same was true about her eyes. They were a gentle brown, or they would have been if they weren't so filled with confused fear.

"Don't put it on!" My cry was met by gut deep revulsion so I knew either Sarina had no desire to be placed on the woman's finger or couldn't. That was great news, but by the same token, I remembered how the ring ended up back no my finger earlier without me reaching for it. "Keep it away from me!"

The woman under me seemed to understand despite her dazed expression and threw the succubus's ring from her. It landed a few feet away from the necklace. My relief was so all encompassing that I sagged back on top of the brunette.

"Please don't!" I heard the words, but it was the obvious fear behind them that made me push off the young woman and stand. I backed away from her and the kitchen table until my back hit the refrigerator.

"I'm not going to hurt you." It was a promise I'd keep as long as I wasn't forced to break it by Sarina. I wasn't stupid enough to think the succubus was done with me. I could still feel her malignant presence nearby. Still, it felt good to be out from under her direct influence, even if it wasn't going to last.

I watched as the young woman struggled to her feet and pulled her outfit back together, only her blouse was unsalvageable. I'd all but torn it from her. I picked my shirt up from where I dropped it and held it out to her. She looked at me hesitantly. She was clearly still afraid, but in the end, she blushed and took it quickly.

"Kordai?" At first, I wasn't sure why it came out as a question, but I guess my subconscious was a step ahead.

"Kim," she got out with some difficulty. "My name is Kim." She was taking deep breaths as she tried to get herself under control.

"The necklace," I said in dawning understanding. "It's like the succubus's ring."

"No!" she snapped defensively, which was pretty impressive considering how afraid she still seemed. It was also telling because whatever her relationship with this Kordai, it was nothing like Sarina's and mine.

For a moment I thought that was the only answer I was going to get, but Kim moved to the opposite side of the kitchen table, putting it between us, and continued, sounding calmer.

"But there are some similarities." She sounded almost reluctant to admit it. "Kordai isn't really a name. It a category."

That wasn't really an explanation so I waited. I could feel Sarina calling to me, but I was able to stay away from the ring for the moment. Mostly because I could still feel it and whatever was in the necklace fighting against each other.

"The El-Kordai are a type of demon, but nothing like succubi. They do not attack the innocent. They make the guilty pay for their misdeeds."

The difference seemed important to the young woman, but I wasn't sure I was buying it. Theoretically, I succubus only affected those who succumbed to the dark passions, but I think everyone had those. It was only human. Of course, I didn't say that to Kim. I had a feeling she wasn't the philosophical kind.

"Pay how?" It seemed like a reasonable question, but the young woman didn't seem to appreciate it.

"They don't eat souls!" Her voice dripped her disgust. Still, she paused before adding, "They feed off of guilt. They eat it and convert some of it into energy they can use to make the guilt-ridden pay for their misdeeds."

"By killing them?" The answer to my question seemed self-evident, but I wanted to be sure.

"Not always," the dark-haired girl replied defensively, but then relented and added, "Although it is not uncommon, but only because the El-Kordai don't come into our world unless called. They do not need us to feed like the succubi do."

"So, are you trying to say guilt is universal and lust isn't?" I guess my disbelief was thick because she blushed.

"A succubus doesn't eat the darker passions!" she snapped in annoyance. "It uses them to entrap its victim so it can eat souls."

"A fair point." My agreement seemed to calm her somewhat.

"On their plane there aren't any beings with souls left. They were all destroyed eons ago, eaten by the succubi or something similar."

"A world of soulless beings doesn't sound like a place where guilt would exist."

"Well, it does." The matter of fact tone she used made it obvious that I decided to stay away from the topic. It had the sound of religious dogma and questioning that was almost always pointless with true believers. "As you said, guilt and lust are universal."

I suddenly felt very tired. Guilt and lust were universal. It made sense, I guess. Most days, they were the only emotions I could feel. It figures that the demonic plane would have plenty of both. I also thought I mt life had turned into a living hell the day my father gave me the ring.

I had a lot of additional questions, but they all seemed so pointless at the moment. Nothing was going to change my fate no matter how hard I wanted it.

"I guess that means I'm more than halfway to belonging there."

"No." It was such a simple word, but hearing it from Kim's lips struck something deep inside of me. It had as much to do with the sudden and unexpected sympathy in her voice as it did the word itself. "You live with list and your demon's twisted passion bombarding you day in and day out. The succubus uses them to force you to do things that you abhor."

The young woman had calmed down enough to sit at the kitchen table. I looked at the other chair, but was afraid to sit because it entailed moving closer to her and I didn't want to frighten her again. There was also the fact that only a few moments ago we were using the table for something far different than a place to have a conversation.

Kim saw my hesitation. After a moment the young brunette gestured toward the chair, letting me know it was okay. I moved slowly across the kitchen and sat. She was smiling sadly, watching me. Kim shook her head slowly. "Your guilt and regret are a thick malaise that not only encompasses you and everything you do, but hangs on you for everyone to see if they know how to look."

"How could it not? I've hurt so many." I was talking as much to myself as Kim. She surprised me by reaching across and actually resting her hand on my arm, offering what comfort she could.

"The succubus hurt so many," she insisted, stressing the word succubus. "You were just the tool she used."

"I participated. I could have stopped it from happening. Each and every time I had a chance to save our victim, but failed." It was the truth, but admitting it didn't help in the least. I knew what I was and what I did.

"Bullshit." Another one-word answer said with a conviction that I wished I could believe. "You are only human. We are all wired for some things that are so a part of us that we can't turn them off. Lust, the darker passions, whatever you want to call them are one of the basic tenants of humanity. The species must survive so we've been genetically designed to propagate."

"Yes, but we've learned to get beyond that." My response made her actually laugh.

"Please! We've created a thin veneer of civilization that lets us address our more primitive needs with alternate solutions, but don't get that confused with actually finding a way beyond what we are deep down." She saw that I wasn't convinced so she continued.

"Human are inherently violent so we get involved with sports, either participating or cheering on our champions. We play video games where we can use sword, sorcery and pretty much everything else to dominate and destroy our opponents. And still, there are wars and murders every day."

"We are no less passionate that our ancestors. We have the same lusts and sexual needs, but the world is smaller because there are so many more of us and technology has given us ways to travel far and wide. Hundreds of years ago a man's choices were limited. Today there are over seven and a half billion human souls on this this world. Most of us have at least one person to fulfill our sexual needs. Those who don't can find someone if they really want to. Hell, there are places you can legally pay for it, and that's not even taking consideration the accessibility of pornography and other online releases."

Kim shook her head, clearly thinking about some personal memory. "And still people are molested and raped every day. It's the human condition." She fell silent after that.

"Well, that's depressing," I offered, not sure what else to say. She shook her head and laughed, but only briefly.

"Last night when you came out of your bedroom naked, I was on the phone talking to some people who know about succubi."

"You have people who track things like this?" Apparently, there was a whole world out there who knew about the different kinds of demons. I'd been on my own for so long that I never expected it. Maybe I should have, but this was my first encounter with anyone who claimed to know about it.

"Not me personally, but there are those who do that and I know how to contact them," she answered, but clearly didn't want to be distracted from what she was trying to say. "I heard of a succubus that bonded to human males in a way that shouldn't have been possible, and together they used women to sate both their needs, but it was just rumors until I saw and felt what happened to Claire."

"I was surprised by the amount of information I was told when I made the call. The bond you and the succubus share is listed as extremely dangerous."

"Great." I didn't quite sigh. "No surprise there." Kim was shaking her head.

"You don't understand," she insisted. "The people I'm talking about don't focus on individuals. They could care less about how many women die at the hands of the succubus. If they say someone or something is extremely dangerous, they mean on a much bigger scope. In other words, the bond you share with the succubus is dangerous to our world."

"What?" I had no idea what she was talking about, but it scared me. "How could I be dangerous to the entire world?"

"Not you, or it for that matter," Kim clarified. "Not directly anyway. It's the bond you share."

"I don't understand." The ever-present guilt welled up inside of me despite her insistence that it wasn't me that threatened the very existence of our world. Kim shook her head.

"That's not all I was told," she said, ignoring my question for the moment and changing the subject. "They explained that the last information they had was over a decade out of date. They lose track of the succubus every so often and when it resurfaces it's with a different host. They don't know that it's tied to your family."

It made sense in a way. It's not like there was any familial tie between father and son in our family. Hell, in most cases I was betting that the future host was already conceived by the time whoever these people were found Sarina again.

"Is that when you first came in contact with the demon? Is that when your father gave you the ring?" There was no reason to hide the information from Kim, but I hesitated before finally nodding.

"Ten years." There was a touch of awe in Kim's voice that made me uncomfortable. "Any other man would have succumbed to the succubus's demands well before now. They'd have lost themselves completely, but you still fight. Somehow, after ten years you've been able to hang on to your humanity and as much of your free will as possible. Do you have any idea how inconceivable that is?"

"But if I were just a little stronger..."

"To my knowledge," Kim interjected, squeezing my arm this time. She was once again offering what she could to make me feel better while at the same time trying to help me understand how what I faced looked from the outside. "No El-Kordai has ever hesitated in taking the life of a man or woman who has as much guilt as you do. Honestly, I doubt someone with even a small percentage of your guilt would survive an encounter with one of their kind, but you did. Do you know why it didn't kill you back in the bedroom?"