Hey Twister—Letters To My Dead Twin

Owen came with Elise and me to visit Mum and Oma at the cemetery. I'd picked some flowers from your garden. Owen's been mowing for me and did some mulching last weekend. I'm glad he knows what he's doing. I told Elise stories about Mum and how she would sing to us. I told Elise how brave Mum was during her treatment and that she told you and me to live our best lives. You did this perfectly, but I know I've let her down.

I told Elise about Oma, her namesake, and how she arrived the evening after Oma's funeral. I told her of her stubbornness and how, when she got really angry, she'd launch into Dutch, thinking she could swear in another language and not traumatise her granddaughters. She didn't realise you and I picked up the words she used and repeated them at school, and soon the entire playground was swearing in a foreign language until Mrs van der Berg was on lunch duty one day and heard us all.

Oma was the one who taught me to bake. Once I'd mastered her boterkoek recipe, she introduced me to some from Opa's Austrian and German parents. Yesterday afternoon I baked a sachertorte to take to lunch today. This was always your favourite. It was actually nice to be back in the kitchen playing with sugar and chocolate.

Lunch with the Wainwrights was hard. I met Patsy again, the oldest of Owen's younger sisters. She was there with her husband, Romeo, and is having their first child. I think it was uncomfortable for both Romeo and I when Owen teased Patsy over her infatuation with Mark.

Don't worry--Patsy's nothing like you, and I think Mark made the right choice if there was a choice to make. It sounds like her infatuation was unrequited but a big deal for teenage Patsy. Owen's parents were lovely and welcoming. I met them at the funeral, but I really don't remember much about that day or the days around it.

Renée, Owen's Mum, told lots of stories about Mark growing up. It sounds like he spent a lot of time at their place avoiding his mother. I rang her just before and left a message, but I'm not expecting to hear back from her.

I asked Renée and Patsy to write down any recollections of Mark they want to pass on to Elise. I think it was good to focus on him, even though we were there to focus on mothers. It wasn't taking away from you in any way, but it made the union the two of you had seem more focussed, if you like, as if the way you complemented each other made the other parts of each other shine.

Renée has an amazing garden. I think you visited it before, but it is beautiful. After lunch, Owen was put to work mending the chicken shed with Malcolm, his father. Nat had an assignment to finish for school, and Patsy and Romeo had left. I spoke with Renée about Owen's offer to move in, and she told me I should have insisted on it from the get-go and told me off for doing too much by myself.

You know how hard I find it to take help. I did almost everything for Oma for five years. Renée suggested I find a playgroup for Elise. The nurse who visits every week still suggested something similar. I'll think about it.

When we got home, Owen poured us both a glass of your favourite scotch and proposed a toast. It was meant to be for you, but he also acknowledged the mothering role I have undertaken with Elise. He said some really lovely things. I'm not sure I believe them, and he certainly won't after he moves in. I agreed to it. It's actually been lovely having him around this weekend.

You should be here, and I'm still pissed you aren't, but I'm perhaps getting a little less angry.

Joy.

17 May

Hey Twister,

Well, fuck me dead. First, the nurse who's been visiting is doing it out of the kindness of her heart and not out of any official program because she likes me and likes seeing how well I'm doing according to her (I think she's lying) and then, as I'm trying to process that information, I got served by Muriel, Mark's mother.

She wants custody of Elise and for her to move to Perth. Over my fucking dead body. I texted Owen straight away, and he left work at once. He swore more than I did and used words that I wanted to high-five him for. I've never seen him so worked up.

Of course, he suggested we call your old colleague, Ed. Ed made room for us straight away. Once again, I met people who told me how amazing you were and who were at your funeral. Marnie took Elise. She's probably the only one I knew because she still calls in with an UberEATS voucher every fortnight. I wouldn't expect lawyers to have time to cook.

Ed says Muriel has no case. She's made little to no contact with me or Elise. Ed wonders if it is part of Muriel trying to get access to Mark's estate. Most of it went over my head, but Owen seemed to understand, and he doesn't think we need to worry.

Worry is my middle name, as you are aware, so I don't have his optimism, but it did make me realise how much Elise means to me.

She rolled over today. Marnie had her on a rug on the floor playing with that damn toy that rattles and squeaks and all the rest, and the next thing, she was on her back. I wish you could have seen it.

Joy.

22 May

Hey Twister,

Marilyn thinks I'm doing ok. I told her Owen was moving in. We talked about what to do with your room. Down the line, either Owen or I should make it our own because it has the big walk-in wardrobe and en suite bathroom. It just feels strange.

When I got home, I stripped the bed and washed the linen. I laughed when I looked in the wardrobe and saw all the amazing clothes you had. None would fit me. Marilyn and I talked about some of the charities that might benefit from your clothing. There's a charity she told me of that helps out women returning to the workforce with appropriate outfits. They might like your suits and blouses. I'll ask Indira about the rest. We put off the great computer thing until this weekend because of Mother's Day.

Indira's found a playgroup which we're going to check out. Her husband's family lives nearby, but her family is in India, which is hard on her. She's a nurse. as you know, and had planned on going back and doing some night shifts soon, but she's put that on hold. It's comforting to hear others telling me that although they planned to have a baby, it's harder than they thought it would be.

No news on the legal front. Nat called in after school and offered to babysit if I need anyone. It's not like I have anywhere to go, but it's a nice offer. She adores Elise.

Sometimes I wonder who got your organs. We'll never know. There was an article online I saw where a teenager with cystic fibrosis got a heart-lung transplant and is getting married to her childhood sweetheart. Mark was almost your childhood sweetheart, and it would be fitting if she got your organs.

I'm glad I can talk to you like this, no matter how silly it might seem.

Joy.

25 May

Hey Twister,

Elise slept through the night. I woke up at six and was sure she must have died in her sleep or something, but she was still in her cot sleeping. I sat next to her for a few minutes and marvelled at how beautiful she is.

She has your eyes and nose, but Mark's lips and chin. She's tall for her age, the nurse tells me, so that could be either one of you. I stroked her cheek and was about to leave when she woke up and smiled at me. My heart about broke. I can't believe how much I love her.

Maybe, for the first time in my life, I am doing something right. I mean, caring for Oma was rewarding, and I loved it. I also enjoyed working in the café. I'd hoped to be travelling, as you know, but caring for Elise seems almost better. I still wish you were here doing it, and I was the weird auntie, but I wanted to promise you we are making a go of things, and I haven't flaked. Yet. Seriously though, there's no way I could be without this gorgeous bundle of sunshine. She is truly a delight. Well, most of the time.

Indira and Sashi came over today. Sashi was amazing in navigating things. You know I don't do much online stuff, so it was foreign to me, but to see the amazing things so many people had written about you and Mark made me cry. Sashi downloaded everything, and said he was going to compile it all for Elise.

They were gone when Owen came. He'd been working on call this weekend. He's complaining about Ingrid, the new vet they hired to replace Mark. I think he might like her. Owen's been doing more small animal stuff to fill in the gap Mark left, and I know he doesn't really like it. He prefers to be out with farmers pulling calves out with ropes and the like. Of course, we don't get a lot of that in outer suburbia.

I remember Mark calling him after Elise was born, and he asked how much rope they needed. He talks about Mark a lot and tells Elise stories about him. We both tell her stories every night about her parents. It would have been Oma's birthday today, so I baked a boterkoek that Owen and I had tonight. He's going to take the leftovers to work with him tomorrow. Tonight, I also shared a bonus Oma story with Elise.

Do you remember the day you brought Mark to lunch to meet Oma? You'd kept in touch with Mark after schoolies and met up when he moved over for uni. You'd moved into a flat with Margo from school, but I think you spent more time at Mark's place that he shared with Owen. Oma had this scraggy, mangy mutt called Bliksem. Her South African friend, Johanna, had found him and named him, but her husband refused to let them keep him, so Oma took him in.

Bliksem adored Oma, mainly because she always had treats in her pocket. He was a yapper. Whenever someone walked past the front window, he'd start, but Oma simply had to click her fingers, and he'd stop, knowing he would get a treat.

Mark arrived as a first-year vet student, and Bliksem would not stop growling. Oma carried on that he had never done this before, and perhaps he was picking up that Mark didn't like animals. This was the worst thing to say to poor Mark, who I'm sure was thinking of rethinking his career.

Oma held Bliksem and stroked him and fed him treats, and he was fine until she put him down and he saw Mark again. Poor Bliksem was put outside during lunch. Oma carried on and on about how she didn't know what had come over the poor dog.

I hadn't been at lunch but arrived afterwards with cake. No one had told me that Mark had not been warned about this mutt. I walked in and saw Bliksem outside and commented that even Mark, the prospective veterinarian, couldn't make the stupid dog like men. You and Oma roared with laughter, and Mark ended up seeing the funny side, but not before Oma enveloped him in one of her amazing hugs.

Only Oma hugged better than you. I miss both of your hugs.

Joy.

1 June

Hey Twister,

Owen finished moving in this weekend. I met Megan, the middle younger sister. She's a firecracker. She told me I should do Kindermusik or something with Elise. Then she said that Owen should, once she found out how unmusical I am.

All three of Owen's sisters and his parents were here to help. Romeo was working, trying to fit in extra hours before their baby arrives next month. He'd given Patsy instructions not to lift anything too heavy. She ended up looking out for Elise and changing some very smelly bottoms. I'm glad it wasn't me getting the full assplosion from her for once.

She got me during the week as I was grocery shopping. For some reason, I was wearing a beige jumper, and she leaked all through the carrier and down my front. Owen suggested online shopping when he called in after work. I can't wait for him to experience one of her massive shits.

Patsy took it well and told me that Owen and Mark used to have fart competitions to see who could produce either the loudest or the smelliest, but preferably both at the same time. I couldn't actually imagine it from either man, to be honest.

There's been some toing and froing with the lawyers, and it looks like Muriel doesn't want to go to court. I thought we'd have to throw money at her, but Ed says no way, but things will be readdressed as Elise gets older.

In the meantime, I need to keep records of all conversations. We have agreed that every Sunday night Elise will Facetime with her Grandmama, but Muriel didn't answer this evening.

Elise has been sleeping much better and this has put me in a better mood. I've been to a playgroup with Indira and Sanjeev a few times now, and it has been nice meeting other mothers. I usually tell people I'm Elise's auntie and leave them to assume I am babysitting.

Cat 2 is sitting on my lap. Cat 1 usually wraps herself around my feet whenever I'm doing anything in the kitchen. I'm glad you registered them as Cat 1 and Cat 2. Owen told me what Mark referred to them as. I told Owen that if Mark told him he was going home to stroke Clit and Puss, he was probably referring to you. Tripod sleeps at the base of Elise's cot, so I ended up putting his dog bed there. He's quite protective, really.

Renée offered to help with your room, but I asked her to leave it. Owen suggested we finally tackle it next weekend.

Probate came through on Oma's estate. Thank heavens you'd handled most of it before you died and had the foresight to have her name both of us as executors. But that was your specialty. It's why you knew to make Ed executor of yours and Mark's estate. He's pretty amazing. Shame he's happily married, and I know not to go near married men anymore.

When I hear people talk about you and Mark and your relationship, it makes me jealous at times. I've never had anything near that. I've never had an orgasm from penetrative sex. I've never had a guy want to go down on me. I haven't had sex without a condom since Travis, because I know men are basically liars and I know what I can catch. I also know about babies now, and can you imagine how awkward it would be if I did manage to get pregnant and had to tell Owen. So bloody complicated.

My vibrator's in storage in your garage, and I might have to go and dig it out sometime. I haven't felt any urges in months, and now I have a man hanging around (not that I'm interested in him, of course), and Elise is sleeping better I've been getting a little horny.

I will edit these if I ever give them to Elise, don't worry.

Miss you,

Joy.

5 June

Hey Twister,

Fuck everything. Elise had her four-month shots on Tuesday and has barely slept for an hour since then, and when she does it's in like thirty-second blocks. When she's not crying, she's blowing raspberries. I took her back to the doctor today, even though Owen said it was nothing to worry about, and she said Elise is fine.

I'm trying to let Owen sleep at night because he has to go to work, but if she refuses to sleep tonight, I'm going to ask Owen to look after her and take tomorrow off and give himself a long weekend.

To think you thought you'd be back at work part-time by now. I don't know how you were planning on doing it. We've had cereal for dinner for two nights in a row because I can't even be bothered to order in pizza. It is a help having Owen here full-time, and he did come in at six this evening and send me straight to bed. It's almost midnight and she's just gone down again. I know I should be sleeping, but I keep thinking she'll be awake again in a few minutes.

She looks so peaceful at present. Scratch that. She's awake again. Fuck you, world. If there was a god, she would not have put me in this position, and Elise would have both loving parents with her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck and fuck for good measure.

The Joyless one.

8 June

Hey Twister,

I can now laugh over my last entry. Once I got her down that night, she reverted to the lovely sleeping Elise that she was before her shots. Two nights of crappy sleep, and I was about to lose it.

Owen and I spent the weekend going through your room. I'll start with the clothes because there's a bit coming that I don't think Elise will ever want to know about...

Your professional wardrobe has gone to the charity for women needing them to re-enter the workforce. Your casual and sporty wardrobe has gone to a women's refuge. The French Maid's outfit has gone in the bin. I cried when I found your wedding dress. I've kept it for Elise to choose what she wants with it. I also kept another couple of formal gowns in case she wants them when she is older--who knows if they'll be retro or not.

I will admit, going through your underwear was a revelation. I never knew there were that many kinds of panties and bras. I've always worn comfy and practical. Owen's eyes nearly bulged when he saw the cut-out bras and he kept saying how lucky Mark was. I know it's bad, but I couldn't let anyone else wear your underwear, so I put it in the landfill.

Owen went through Mark's wardrobe and bagged a lot of it for charity. He's taken the scrub shirts, but he admitted he didn't know if he could wear them, or how he would feel seeing others in Mark's cartoon animal scrubs that he loved so much. He knows of a charity that sends vet supplies to developing countries, and he suggested the shirts go there. I told him he could do as he wished.

I'd left your bedside drawers until last. Owen and I sorted through Mark's underwear which went the same way as yours. Then, at the bottom of Mark's underwear drawer we found some photos. Owen still has Mark's laptop and is going to go through it to make sure there is no evidence there, but, wow! Twister, you seem like one lucky girl! I never realised how hung my brother-in-law was.

Owen grinned at the pics which surprised me. He assured me that the woman was you as he said there was no way Mark had been with anyone else since meeting you. Your flexibility astonished me. There is no way I'm that flexible for sure.

It was funny as Owen simply left the room, and I thought he was embarrassed, but he came back with the shredder from the office and suggested we destroy the evidence. We also got a pair of pliers and destroyed the flash drive after Owen discovered it was data of a more personal nature. I never would've picked you as the one to do a sex tape, Twister! We only saw a bit of it, but it was definitely your voice. It was bittersweet hearing it again, but I didn't need to ever hear it in this context--I mean, I can see why you called him Big Boy, but still!

Although Owen coped with the pics and the video, he turned beet red when we found the butt plug collection in your bedside drawer. I thought it was funny we both have the same vibrator--not that I told Owen that, of course--just in different colours. Again, more landfill.

We decided we'd keep your room as a guest room. Neither of us can see ourselves in there. Owen told me he never plans to bring a woman here, and I told him I couldn't remember the last time I was with a man. Owen got a bit strange, but I suspect finding out all about your best friend and his wife's sex life will do that to you. I'm just glad Renée didn't help, or, heaven forbid, Muriel. I doubt Muriel would know what a butt plug was, though. I'd have told her they were special paperweights that lawyers use!

Owen told me Mark's dad was never on the scene, and Muriel didn't appear to have any male friends. I've met the woman twice, and even at your wedding, she didn't really talk to me, so I can't judge, but I find it sad she doesn't take the calls we keep putting through for her to see Elise. I send her photos and the occasional video, but she makes no effort to be involved.

I've been getting to know Owen a lot more since he moved in. It's only been a week, but I can see why you chose him as Godfather. He's already a great influence on Elise's life--the polar opposite of me.

Miss you more than you could ever imagine, but at least I'll never have to see your sex tape again.

Joy.

17 June