Hey Twister—Letters To My Dead Twin

Hey Twister,

It's cold, and it's wet. Tripod keeps trekking mud through the house. At least the heating works well.

Tripod is getting on well with Butch, the most un-butch-like dog I have ever met. What is it with vets and their dogs? Butch has also taken a liking to Elise and, although his dog bed is also in her room, usually he snuggles up with Tripod. Who knows what will happen when it gets hot again?

We took both dogs for a walk this afternoon. Elise faces out in the carrier now and loves shaking her arms and legs. She's almost sitting up by herself and loves rolling around the floor. Owen told me Ingrid had resigned already. He talked about how hard it is to replace Mark, and that he wants to sell the practice. He's thinking of staying on and working for them, but he says managing it without Mark doesn't feel right.

Indira's invited us over for dinner this evening. Owen and Elise are having a nap, and I thought I'd get some more memories down.

Remember when you were at uni and wanted to convince Mark you could cook, so you got me to pre-cook everything, and you were going to reheat it? Except you got the salted caramel sauce for the brownies mixed up with the sauce I'd made for the steaks that I had taught you to grill. Mark said nothing through the steaks but took a bite of the dessert and asked if there were any without gravy!

I can remember laughing so hard the following day when you told me this story, and Mark always asked what sauce was on his food after that, as if he didn't trust either of us. Only you could have done something like that and made a guy love you even more. For me, it would have been the end of a relationship, not that I've had too many of those that lasted long enough for me to cook for the guy.

Owen seems to appreciate my cooking, and he insists on cooking on the weekends. He makes killer pancakes but won't share his recipe. Says it's his mother's secret. Last night he made a huge lasagne so we would have lunches during the week. He doesn't seem to care that I'm almost a cook by profession, even if I specialised in pastry and dessert. It's nice to have someone to share this experience with.

Our situation feels quite domestic. Even though we're housemates co-parenting Elise, it has never felt awkward, even though I can be the queen of awkward. Perhaps you did know what you were doing choosing both of us.

Joy.

21 June

Hey Twister,

Marilyn was brutal today. She pointed out that I'm falling into old habits by not prioritising myself. She asked me to talk about our weekly structure, and I pointed out how great it was that Owen cooked on the weekends and how we went for a walk last weekend and had dinner with Indira and Sashi, and she asked me to identify what I did for me.

Of course, there was nothing. I tried to make out the brownies I baked to take to dinner was something, but she says it was doing something for someone else. Owen plays indoor soccer on Wednesdays after work, and Marilyn thinks I need to find something for me. She suggested I join a gym and put Elise in the creche. I couldn't stop laughing.

Remember when you made me do that step aerobics class leading up to your wedding? I tripped over the step twice and couldn't keep up with things. There's no way I'm joining a gym.

I did convince Marilyn that I would leave Elise with Owen this weekend and go and get a pedicure, even though it's the middle of winter, and no one is seeing my toenails.

Marilyn also pointed out that Owen and I need to start having a talk about money. It's too grown up for me. I managed when I was at culinary school and lived in a unit, but after that I lived with Oma, and she refused to take money from me because I was caring for her. My shifts at the café didn't bring in a lot, but it's not like I've ever wanted to buy the latest clothes or make-up or anything. I've always lived frugally.

When Owen moved in, he just said he was leaving money each week for groceries. We use that jar in the kitchen that you used to throw spare change into. When I moved in with Elise, I just transferred all the bills to my account. It's had the money from Dad's insurance sitting there, and it's not like I'm going travelling anytime soon.

According to Marilyn, if everything is as great as I tell her it is with Owen, then a conversation about money will be easy. I'm not convinced. I mean, Elise isn't his blood, and even though he is named as a legal guardian, it's not like he and I have to be friends. I lost my only true friend when you died, and I wish you were here to talk me through this.

Joy.

30 June

Hey Twister,

I put things off for a week. Last night I asked Owen if he would mind awfully if I went and had a pedicure today. He was more than willing and almost shoved me out the door. Then, I've no idea if Marilyn contacted him, even though she doesn't have his contact details, but then again, she knows he's a vet and where we live and everything, but he suggested we talk finances last night.

I told him I was fine with keeping paying the bills and everything and that the mortgage was still on hold and the bank was being amazing, knowing that the mortgage was insured and would be paid out upon your death. Owen kept telling me he wanted to pull his weight.

His practice sold so quickly that I wonder if he had feelers out before he talked to me about it. It settled yesterday, just in time for the end of the financial year. He's taking a week off and then starting as a locum for three months at a practice about half an hour away. It's actually close to his parents' place.

So, we have opened a joint bank account as Elise's guardians. He agreed for me to drop some cash in there, but told me that I was working full-time caring for Elise whilst he was at work. For the time being, we agreed he would contribute to the account, and all bills would come out of it. Eventually, we're going to have money in trust for Elise, but we also need to be able to plan other things. It all feels so strange.

Renée and Malcolm are coming over for dinner tonight to celebrate Owen's sale of the practice. I know it's been hard. I don't understand the legalities, but things will remain in limbo with the sale until your estates are finalised. I worry that Owen has only sold for legal reasons. I suppose these are Owen's worries to have, though, and not mine. See, Marilyn has taught me some stuff!

The pedicure was nice, but I think I just liked the massage chair. Perhaps next time I feel I need some Joy time, I'll book a massage instead. It was strange being out by myself without Elise. I kept looking for Owen, thinking she was strapped to his chest as she wasn't strapped to mine, and then realised I was by myself.

I grabbed some sushi for lunch, again sitting by myself. I remember the first time you took me for sushi and I had no idea what anything was. You'd been to Japan and told me that our sushi was very different from what I'd find in Tokyo, but I still enjoyed it.

As I was eating, I thought a lot about you and started crying. The poor waiter was probably still at school. He had acne all over his face and was convinced there was something wrong with the food. I had to tell him I was just sad and blurted out that my sister had died a few months ago, and this was the first time I'd had sushi without her. He brought me a green tea and didn't charge me for it, so I left a large tip.

You hated how I'd often tip people. I know people in service industries are paid pretty well here compared to some countries, but they aren't paid as much as lawyers or vets. When I worked in the café, it was the unexpected tip from someone that would make my day. I usually paid the tips forward, hoping they then carried on spreading happiness.

When I got home Elise was screaming. She'd refused to have a nap. Owen was beside himself. He thought he'd hurt her. She's done it before on weekends, but the other one of us is usually there to take over after half an hour. I told him he should have called me.

It did make me realise how much less Elise cries these days. At first, I thought she cried because she missed you. It was through reading that I learnt that she didn't really recognise who people were until recently, even though she would have known your scent.

The absolute unfairness that you and Mark aren't here to raise her still upsets me. You would be so much better at this than me.

Joy.

4 July

Elise is five months old today and it's more than three months since you left us. I've been slack with taking photos of her. Owen is slightly better, but he claims he needs a brag roll on his phone to share with some of his patients' owners. Not sure how looking at a baby would help calm them. Of course, we still take a weekly pic to send Grandmama, even if she never acknowledges it.

It's been strange having Owen around this week. He took Elise to playgroup today, and I think was a hit with the other parents, mainly mums. I keep encouraging him to date, but he tells me Elise is his number one priority at present.

Yesterday we went for lunch at the café where I used to work. Darryl, the owner, asked if I could come back, but it would never work. I started there at six in the morning, and with Owen's new job being that bit further away...I did say I would look into any commercial kitchen spaces in the area and do some baking for him. I suspect he misses my éclairs and profiteroles.

Of course, Owen overheard Darryl's comments and has been encouraging me to look into kitchen space, or seeing how I could get your kitchen set up to cook commercially in. From what I've learnt, it would take a bit of work with a separate sink for handwashing and the like needed, and it wouldn't be worth it financially.

Besides, I'm actually happy being with Elise during the day. I know, Joy from a few months back would be checking my temperature, but it actually brings me pleasure seeing my niece's needs are met.

Dinner with Renée and Malcolm was lovely. Renée treats Elise like another grandchild. Tomorrow we are catching up with Patsy. She's due any day now. She and Romeo are having a son, and I've bundled up some of Elise's old things to share with them. So much she never even wore! I know her sex was a surprise for you both, but the amount of so-called gender-neutral gear you had that she never wore because you went out and bought pink things amazes me.

I hope you don't mind that she doesn't wear pink all the time now. We've had to buy her some new clothes as she is growing so much, and my eye for clothes is totally different to yours. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Marilyn tells me I am.

This morning I saw Marilyn for the first time without Elise. It was strange. I told her that I was afraid of doing things differently to how you would want. She reminded me that you can't rule from the grave and pointed out that from what I've told her about you, we have more in common than I could imagine.

At dinner last weekend, Renée told me that Owen would often get into his sisters' fairy skirts and the like when he was younger as he was the only boy with all those sisters. He was embarrassed at his mother's recounting of his childhood, but he seems to have turned out alright.

Seeing Marilyn, at least I know there will people like her who can help un-fuck Elise if I do a terrible job. May it never come to that though.

Joy.

9 July

Hey Twister,

Owen started his new job today. He's signed a contract for three months and will see how things go. He told me last week he's happy he won't have to worry about running the actual practice and was glad that the new people at his and Mark's old practice were keeping on the vet nurses and admin staff.

The strangest thing happened when he came in from work. I was stirring dinner on the stove, and he walked in and kissed me on the cheek. I think I froze, and so did he. He made an apology and told me he had no idea where it had come from. It was straight out of a fifties television show.

He then went over and picked up Elise from the floor where she was playing with one of her favourite squeaky toys and gave her lots of kisses. That's what he's always done before when he's arrived home.

What struck me the most was how nice it was to be kissed, even such a chaste thing as a peck on the cheek. Elise gives open mouth sloppy kisses and drools all over us a lot. Renée and Malcolm always greet me with a hug.

Owen tried to apologise again over dinner, and I told him to just leave it and make sure he finds someone to date soon. I was trying to put humour in the situation, but it did make me anxious as to what will happen when he does find a girlfriend or serious partner.

Our situation is so weird. I know it won't go on forever, and I suspect that when Elise is a little older, we will be able to arrange some form of split custody arrangement. I mean, that's what I've always assumed would happen.

I had talked about this with Marilyn a while back, and said how it will take a special woman to come into Owen's fucked-up situation, and how I'm already trying to think of ways to accommodate and encourage this.

Deep down, I hope Owen will find someone who wants to care for Elise like a mother would and can give her the kind of family you and Mark would have wanted. You always got the relationships like Oma and Opa's. I attract those like Mum and Dad's.

Elise needs the love and care that a couple can give her. She needs to learn to love and be loved in a situation similar to what you and Mark would have provided. Marilyn suggested I park these thoughts and revisit them if and when I need to, but I fear that if I don't do it now, it will become harder to let Owen's partner into our family.

Owen just asked me if this was my diary, and I was sharing all sorts of thoughts about him. I told him I was writing to you and using it as a way of capturing memories for Elise. I suppose that's partially true at least. I don't usually write in front of him, but tonight I don't really feel like talking to him either.

Joy.

PS- Patsy had a boy last week, Freddie Mark. Mark was Romeo's idea, but it made both Owen and me cry happy tears. He's a bloody ugly baby--definitely uglier than Elise ever was, but we told them how cute he looked.

22 July

Hey Twister,

I was reading over some of my earlier writings today. I'm swearing a lot less these days. Elise plays with consonants a lot, pretending to speak, well that's what the baby book says, and I'm scared her first word will be fuck.

Elise had her first solids tonight. It wasn't planned. She usually sits in her highchair next to us at the dinner table. Tonight, she was cranky. Owen was holding her, and she reached down and grabbed some stir-fried broccoli off his plate and started gumming it. Owen didn't even notice at first. She seemed to love it, even if she sucked off some of the top part leaving the stems. I wonder what it will do to her poos?

Things have been a lot less tense with Owen since the kiss incident too. He told me he'd be late home from work last Thursday. I hinted it might have been a date, but he got all embarrassed. I hope it was, and it went well. He did seem wrung out when he got home after eight, so I didn't ask. Even if it wasn't a date, I hope he might have found a friend to have some benefit time with.

I ended up digging out Bob, the battery-operated boyfriend from the garage this week. It's not the same as a real man, but I figured a wet dream featuring none other than Owen was a sign that it was necessary! It wasn't even that sexy a dream, but I did wake up orgasming and Owen was involved. I can't even remember the details or what he actually did--that's how much I needed the release.

Over breakfast I couldn't look him in the eye, and then he told me he'd be late on Thursday, so I'd hate to think I called out in my sleep or anything like that. How embarrassing. At least I can still chuckle knowing you, of all people, made a sex tape with your husband! Don't worry, I don't use it when playing with Bob or anything, like that would be super awkward, but I sometimes think about it and smile.

It makes me realise that we didn't share everything, even though we told each other we did. We still had this telepathy thing, even though I don't remember any 'sign' the evening of your accident.

I remember knowing you were pregnant and calling you the morning you'd taken a test because my period was late, and I was feeling queasy. My cycles have never been regular since then. We both got our periods at the same time, and then our cycles matched for years. This is one less thing that ties me to you, and it makes me sad, even if my cycles are less frequent than they once were, and this is not necessarily a bad thing.

Perhaps in 12 years or so Elise and I might get into some regular cycle business together. Ours were tied with Mum's until she got sick, remember? Remember when Mum gave us "the talk?" I think I can still quote it verbatim:

"Felicity and Joy. This is hard for me to talk about, but you may have noticed your bodies are changing. You're growing hair in places that you might not have before, and your breasts are developing. Your bodies are getting ready to carry babies. Of course, your bodies don't know that you aren't ready to carry babies, but we have to go along with them.

"Now, inside a girl, there are eggs, and these come out every month or so, waiting for sperm to mix with them and make a baby. Without any sperm, they flush out, and you bleed a bit from your, well, down there because there's no baby. Any questions?"

I don't think either of us had any questions, but I remember Oma explaining it a lot better. I thought I was going to lay an egg like a chicken each month. Fortunately, Oma had that book that explained it better. Poor Mum. She had no role model to teach her. I wonder how she learnt? Perhaps the other girls at school told her. Remember she'd tell us about those belts that held up the pads?

Last week, I had to ask Owen to bring me home some tampons. He had no issue with it and simply threw them at me to catch when he walked in the door. It was better than a kiss! He told me he'd done it for his sisters so many times it didn't worry him.

If he's so cool with it all, it might be best for him to have the talk with Elise, even though that is many years away. We'll focus on solid foods until then.

Joy.

4 August

Hey Twister,

6 months. 6 months since we buried Oma, 6 months since Elise came into the world. Renée organised a family lunch. Patsy and Romeo looked dreadful. Freddy doesn't like to sleep when it's dark outside, and even if there's a lamp on, he knows it's night-time and wants to sing the song of his people. At least we could tell them that it does get a little better.

Elise has decided she won't eat mushy food. All the books say to start them on baby cereal and then move to puréed fruits and vegetables. I had even started preparing veggies and freezing them in ice-cube containers like the book suggested, but if it's on a spoon, she doesn't want to know about it.

Today she gummed some banana and seemed to love it. Renée was the one who gave it to her, don't worry. I would never have tried it as I know how much you loathed the smell and taste of banana. Perhaps there's more Mark in her than I realised.

Owen seems to have a regular Thursday evening date. I'm glad for him, even if he refuses to talk about it with me and gets all embarrassed. It's not like I'm asking for all the details, but I'm sure he'd be a caring and considerate lover. He gives off that vibe.

Renée tried to tactfully suggest she look after Elise next weekend for a night so Owen and I could go out. I must have looked horrified, and fortunately, Freddie started crying, so the subject was changed. I better remember to apologise to Owen about it, and I hope Ms Thursday doesn't mind that his mother has such thoughts.