Hey Twister—Letters To My Dead Twin

And then Child Protection randomly showed up last Wednesday. We'd told them Owen had moved in and they looked around the house, but everything seems to be in order. I've left that basket with Owen. He gets all the legal stuff, and every time I try to focus on it, I just want to ask you your advice.

It's days like today when I miss you all that much more. I want to experience Elise with you like it should be.

Joy.

17 August

Hey Twister,

Owen's been on at me again to look into how I can bake my stuff for money after I spent the afternoon baking. He tells me he's not complaining but thinks that my skills need to be shared beyond him and his colleagues, who are always appreciative for contributions to their staff room.

It's strange having someone other than you cheer for me from the sidelines. Oma had her Dutch manner of being supportive, but it was not in the same league as you. You told me to follow my dreams and explained to Mum that a university education was never in my future, but culinary school was something that I could excel at.

I would have too if it wasn't for Travis. I've always been good at self-sabotage, though. Owen suggested that he work an eight-day fortnight and have every Wednesday off. He suggested I talk to Darryl about working one day a week, knowing he'd be there for Elise. He hasn't brought it up to his boss yet, but he is pretty sure she'll go for it as she has young children at home.

It may not happen until this contract is up, so several weeks to go, but it might work. Elise has discovered how to clap and is so proud of herself. Everything is going in her mouth these days. Owen's thinking of going back to wearing contacts as she keeps grabbing his glasses.

Last week it struck me that she hasn't had one of her crying episodes for ages. I kept it to myself for a while thinking, I might jinx us, but so far, so good. Of course, writing it here means it will probably happen now.

We also discovered I have to keep Elise entertained over breakfast as when Owen leaves, she will cry. It's sad that you and Mark aren't experiencing this.

At playgroup this week she loved the wooden blocks. She didn't build a tower or anything but put them in her mouth. Liesl, the convenor of playgroup, tells me everything is thoroughly cleaned, but I suspect living with two dogs and two cats, Elise has built up a decent immune system.

I've been trying to remember my first memory. I know at our third birthday party I was scared of the candles on the cake. Not sure why that memory has stuck with me. All of my early memories are with you and you protecting me. I hope you think that I was there for you, even if I'm sure you never got scared.

I doubt I'll ever be able to give Elise a cousin. I hope Owen and Ms Thursday might still be a thing and might give her a sibling of sorts. Still haven't worked out what he does on Thursdays, and he still doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

We've developed a comfortable routine. He'll text me during the day sometimes to see how we are, and I usually snap him a photo from playgroup or if we're out and about. We sit together once a week to go through the calendar and make sure everything is covered. For what could have been a disastrous situation, it is going along pretty well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go pear-shaped. And yes, I still mix my metaphors, but Ms Thompson from senior English class will not be marking this, so I don't care.

I was telling Marilyn about Ms Thursday and she asked me how I felt about Owen seeing someone. I was honest and told her I really like what we have going at the moment, but both of us probably have needs that aren't being met by the situation. I hadn't meant to talk sex with her, but it sort of happened.

She asked why I wasn't putting myself out there. I told her it was hard, especially with Elise involved. Then, get this, she had the audacity to suggest that I might have had feelings for Owen. I mean, of course I do, we're co-parenting a baby, but like, other feelings? I just don't know. I've never really been in a stable relationship, and I don't know what to do or what to look for. I doubt there are men out there who would jump at the thought of starting a relationship with someone who is a guardian of her infant niece.

I mean, Owen is amazing. He's good-looking and we get on well. I never need to ask him to do anything. He gets up early to walk the dogs, and if we've had a rough night with Elise, will take them with him to work to leave me with one less thing to worry about. I really do like being around him, but I seriously doubt I'm the sort of mess he's looking for.

Marilyn tries to tell me I'm not the hot mess I make myself out to be, but I'm not sure I believe that myself. The baby book says that most new mums lose a bit of weight because they are so busy looking after their baby. My clothes are quite a bit looser, not that you could tell because I still wear baggy tops all the time. She even suggested that perhaps Owen and I need to have some time alone without Elise to discuss relationship goals.

Pure psychobabble if you ask me. I can just imagine the conversation:

"Hi Owen, I was thinking, do you want to spend some time introducing Elise to Ms Thursday? I mean, you've been seeing her now for some weeks and it must be getting serious."

"Ms Thursday? I've said I don't talk about Thursdays."

"Fine, but we're both human adults, and we have needs."

"Well, my needs are being met on Thursdays, so you pick another night if you like, but not Wednesday because that's indoor soccer, but then again, I could move that to Tuesday if I needed to..."

"No, don't be silly. I was thinking of cooking stroganoff for dinner again tomorrow night, is that ok?"

Yep. That's how it would go. Funny, it seems every time we do have a conversation about Elise or how things are going, it's usually Owen that raises things. Perhaps I'll just wait for him to raise things.

Wish I could talk to you about this, of course knowing it wouldn't be an issue if you were still here. I miss you like crazy.

Joy.

1 September

Hey Twister,

I've started using the stroller more when out with Elise, but it can be hard to push with two dogs if I'm going walking. Yes, I am walking most days, even if it is just to get out of the house. Tripod is pretty cute, and Butch is a sweetheart, especially when he terrorises the cats, both of whom now sleep on my bed.

Elise is almost crawling. Scratch that, she is crawling and I'm in denial. She was in the cat food yesterday. Owen insists on using that expensive stuff and tells me he gets samples from work, but I doubt samples come in five kilo bags. He loves the cats, but no, they insist on sleeping with me. Elise loves the cats too, and they are fairly tolerant with her.

Butch is an older dog and is showing his age, even if Owen has no idea how old he is. I have to be careful when he is around Elise, but so far, he has been so easy-going.

Marilyn's on leave. She's presenting at some international conference in America. I know you and Mark loved the States. I was looking through the photos of your trip to the northern states in October/November four years ago and marvelling at the leaves. I don't think we get that variety of colour in autumn here. Owen was looking with me and said that we should take Elise to all the places you and Mark travelled to. I think he was joking.

I've still never travelled outside Australia. At least I have a passport now. When I think of all the trips you and Mark did, from weeks in Bali to trekking through Asia, the European Winter, the three trips to the States. You went to Tahiti for your honeymoon, plus popping over to New Zealand to ski. It shows how different you and I were.

Owen showed me photos of his trip to Japan when he finished uni. There were pics of the three of you, so you must have met up there at some stage. Owen told me his dream is to go on an African safari. He told me he almost got to go when he was at uni, but the tour was cancelled at the last minute.

Every Thursday night as I wait for him to get home, I feel something inside. I'm not going to own it as jealousy, but I am envious that he has someone he sees regularly who can meet his needs. I think if we were to develop any sort of relationship it would ruin what we have already.

I need to keep repeating to myself that Elise comes first. She always will, and I can't imagine how many extra sessions I'll need with Marilyn when Owen finally finds someone to marry or something, and our situation changes.

At times I like to sit and imagine you are here talking to me and telling me that Owen is a fantastic guy who would have rocks in his head if he didn't fall for someone like me, but I also know how biased you were and would say that about any guy. But I also remember the gorgeous women he brought to your wedding and the Christening. That's not me.

Tomorrow we're taking Elise to see the tulips at the tulip farm. We found photos of you and Mark visiting there last year. It's strange to think that twelve months ago you were pregnant and so happy and now so much has changed.

I miss you so much,

Joy.

27 September

Hey Twister,

It's been a while, but I thought I'd lost this book that I write in. I found it today shoved down the side of the couch. Usually, I keep it next to my bed, but I probably tucked it there last time, or else Elise did. I also found a block and some cat food down the side of the couch at the same time, so my money is with Elise being the hider.

Yes, it's Thursday, and Owen's home at the usual time. I tried to ask if he needed another evening or anything, and he told me it was fine. He isn't acting any differently, so I can't see that things have changed with Ms Thursday, but then again, it's not like he's been open about things.

We had so much fun at the tulip farm. Elise loved it. We went for a Devonshire Tea afterwards and bumped into a lady who used to bring her cats to Mark. She knew Owen a bit and totally mistook everything and cried when she said how happy Mark would be to see us together as a family. She then tried to say that Elise looked so much like me, which I found weird. I mean, I know we're genetically linked, but I never would have thought to look for myself in her, especially as you and I are so different.

I spent time wondering if Elise was then going to be disadvantaged with having me as a guardian. Marilyn wasn't much help. I see her fortnightly now instead of weekly, and she thinks I'm doing really well. Perhaps I am, but it's hard to see.

It's Grand Final weekend, and Owen's family always have a large party, even though their team isn't involved this year. Mark's team is, so we are all on that bandwagon, even if I don't understand what's happening, I can spend time staring at men in tight shorts.

I've never followed any team and don't really understand how Aussie Rules works, but it was important to Mark and you, and I think you both even went to a few games. I did put my foot down earlier in the season when Owen suggested Elise follow his side and said Mark would not have allowed that. So, it looks like we have split allegiances. I even got a stuffy of one of their players, and Elise likes sucking on it.

Freddie is almost twelve weeks old, so it will be nice to see him and remember Elise at that age.

Go football!

Joy.

3 October

Hey Twister,

Mark's team won. They were playing against Romeo's team, so Owen decided to cheer extra loud for the winners too. Freddie's a delight. He seems a lot less uptight than Elise was, but then again, Elise had been through a lot at that age.

After the game, Patsy and Romeo pulled Owen and me aside and said that they were redoing their will and would like to make Owen and me guardians for Freddie if anything happened to them. It was pretty uncomfortable. Owen agreed immediately, and I suggested Megan or Nat as the other guardian, but they were pretty insistent.

The likelihood of anything happening to them like it happened to you is remote, I get that, but at the same time, I have been put in a position I am not comfortable with. What if Owen gets back together with Ms Thursday or another woman? It's so complicated.

I tried to talk to Renée about it, and she gave me a hug. I mean, surely Renée and Malcolm would be ideal guardians. They're both a few years off retirement and still really active.

It didn't help that Elise doesn't understand being gentle and thought Freddie was another Tripod who would take her strong pats, get up, and move if she was too rough. She grabbed his rattle when he was having floor time, and I was only just quick enough to stop her banging it against his head.

I think it was easier before she was mobile. Don't worry. I've read some of the books you had on parenting, and I know you don't want me to restrain Elise too much, but it's hard being everywhere. Mum said you and I used to bash each other up as babies all the time, but we were the same age.

I miss having Mum and Oma around to talk about the past. There're very few people who knew me growing up and no one I have regular contact with. I think our situation is so rare that others are scared they think they might say the wrong thing. Mum's old friend, Lacey, texts me now instead of ringing, and she usually just sends memes or animal videos. I know she lives on the other side of town, and I might make an effort to go and see her sometime, but she has her own grandkids.

So yes, I'm feeling lonely. Indira's always suggesting we catch up for a coffee sometime, and next week at playgroup I might just suggest the same thing.

Elise is awake from her nap so I better rush. Miss you like crazy.

Joy.

PS- she was standing up against the side of her cot! Yikes!

12 October

Hey Twister,

Owen has started having Wednesdays off. I'm working eight 'til twelve in the café, purely baking. It was nice being back this week, but it's not the same. I couldn't believe how much I missed Elise, even though Owen sent through photos.

Maritza, the woman Darryl got to replace me when I left, is lovely. She has three children and is more of a chef than a pastry chef, preferring savoury dishes over sweet. Some of the old regulars popped in after Darryl put something on social media saying I was back for a few hours per week.

Elise and Owen surprised me by popping in for lunch. Child Protection had done another random visit and were thrilled to see me working a little. I don't trust them, though. We still haven't heard from Grandmama, and I wonder if she is in their ear.

You'll be unsurprised to know Elise takes after you and is smashing all her milestones. She loves rolling a ball between one of us and her. It's so cute. I'm pretty sure she's calling Owen 'Wo-wo' and me 'Bot-bot,' but then again, bottle is also bot-bot, as is Butch. If you were here, I'm sure she'd be saying Mama and Dada. We refer to each other as Uncle Owen and Auntie Joy in front of Elise as we aren't her parents. It's not something we've really talked about, but something that has evolved. I think it will be hard to lose Wo-wo, though!

Owen sometimes has a late Thursday and other times doesn't. I'd love to know what's going on, and I suspect if I actually asked, rather than joking about him having had fun when he gets home, I'd find out, but then again, I think I'd rather not know. We've been cohabiting now for four and a half months, and it's been so smooth. In so many ways it's helped with the grief, as we have experienced things together, and we are both there for Elise.

I do wonder where we'll be in four months when Elise turns one. I suspect I have more grief heading my way.

Joy.

4 November

Hey Twister,

Elise is nine months old. She's into everything. Owen and I thought we had baby-proofed the house, but she still manages to get into something. Yesterday I found her inside a kitchen cupboard. We left one cupboard unlocked so she could get out the plastic stuff and play with it, but she managed to pull it out and climb inside, shutting the door behind her.

I was beside myself when I couldn't find her. Owen was out in the garden, and I thought she might have gotten out, but both dogs were with him, and they're always with her when she's outside. Eventually, I heard her giggle and opened the door to find her with a plastic bowl on her head. I managed to get a photo, don't worry.

Thank goodness Owen was at work when she found Bob in my bedside drawer and started dragging it around the house. I found it in the dog water bowl. Owen shuts his bedroom door when he goes out, but I'm always in and out and must have left mine open. Needless to say, I didn't tell him that story!

I haven't seen Marilyn for a few weeks now at her suggestion. We are spreading things out to monthly appointments. I'm planning on talking about your ashes next visit. We've put a baby lock on the hall cupboards, but I'd hate for Elise to find them and get into them. I mean, the containers are sealed and all but still. Yet another thing I should talk Owen about seeing Muriel won't answer emails.

In my last email, I offered for us to bring Elise to Perth to see Grandmama before Christmas. No reply. I'm arranging some professional photos of Elise to use as Christmas gifts. I haven't told Owen because I thought I'd surprise him, but I'm second-guessing myself and wondering if I should include him so we can have some photos of the three of us. It might make a nice gift for his parents. Then again, we could get photos of him and Elise too.

She's awake. Naps are getting shorter and shorter.

Joy.

13 November

Hey Twister,

I took your silent advice and told Owen about the photo idea and rebooked the session for this afternoon. His enthusiasm surprised me, really. He even offered to take an afternoon off work for it.

After work, I was able to come home and shower whilst Elise slept. Renée and Malcolm have a family photo from when their kids were younger with them all in blue jeans and white t-shirts. When I suggested we get a photo of him and Elise matching like this, he was so excited, but he also suggested some with the three of us in jeans and a shirt.

This meant I had to go shopping. You were always the shopper out of the two of us. I haven't bought new jeans in years. I planned it all for yesterday. Elise and I would have lunch out after playgroup, and then I'd put her in the stroller and walk her to sleep. I was so proud of myself and my idea and thought it was foolproof. Elise had other ideas.

Usually, we come home from playgroup, and she has some lunch and then crashes for a few hours. I will admit this wasn't my idea, and I had heard some of the other mums at playgroup say they always go out afterwards and their kids crash.

Whether it was the change in routine or something else, Elise was having none of this napping in the stroller. She'd had some sushi with me (just some chicken and rice really), and then I'd given her a bottle, but she wouldn't go to sleep. If I was holding her, she was happy, but as soon as I tried to lie her in the stroller, she would scream. In the end I went into the jeans shop and held her whilst I tried things on.

As you can imagine, this was a nightmare. I thought she'd be happy on the floor of the changeroom, but the first time she crawled out under the door, just as I had removed my dress and I had to chase after her in my underwear, and then she just screamed.

The sales assistant was lovely and tried to calm her, but she would not go to her, no matter how much she tried. In the end, I believed the assistant when she told me the jeans I tried on were a perfect fit (they felt a bit tight to me, but I'm just used to things being loose) and I didn't even look at the tag when I told her I needed a white t-shirt to go with them.