Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 115

By the time he surfaced, they were over a mile out. As they crested a wave, Mike could see the kraken and Di tumbling down the side of the mountain, flattening trees and leveling the terrain. The jungle was on fire in places, despite the light drizzle that fell. Lightning danced across the sky, penetrating deep into the clouds above. Ash drifted down on the waves, turning the water black.

Several merfolk popped up around them, forming a protective ring. As a group, they swam out toward Francois' ship, sinking deep beneath the water to avoid detection. Even so, spears uselessly penetrated the murky depths as the skeleton crews above rained projectiles down on them randomly.

Mike tapped Leilani on the shoulder and pointed at his mouth, letting her know that he was about out of breath. She pressed her lips to his and breathed into him, her tongue dancing along his. His magic rose up in response, but he tamped it back into place, promising it free run once this was all over. Somewhere up above, the cannons on the flagship boomed, sending small shockwaves through the water that stunned schools of fish near the surface.

A heavy current blasted the group, sending a few of the warriors spiraling off into the darkness. Linking hands, the merfolk swam upward, emerging in the center of a trio of boats. Before the undead on the ships could attack, the merfolk summoned a wave to lift their group up and onto the deck where they were immediately greeted by dozens of undead warriors wielding spears. The merfolk warriors sprouted legs and then slammed into the mass of creatures, driving most of them overboard using brute strength and water magic. The cannons on Francois' ship boomed again, the volley slamming into Di and the kraken. Di tried to take refuge beneath the earth, but the kraken ripped her free and slammed her into the ground. Di showered the kraken with molten stone from her fearsome maw, but the kraken took the hit and squeezed the dragon by the throat.

"We can't get any closer," said one of the merfolk, pointing at Francois' ship. "His control of the sea is stronger the closer we get."

"Then we won't take the sea." Mike looked toward the island and touched a button on his earpiece. When it didn't link him to the comms, he pulled a spare out of his pocket, sealed in a waterproof capsule, and replaced the broken one. "I need a lift," he said. "Can someone carry me to the ship? I'm most of the way there already."

"Cannon fire is too heavy," Abella replied. "I'm not fast enough to dodge them."

"I can come directly to you," Lily said. "But the statue is right. I can barely dodge them and I'm only carrying a decorative sheet. We need to draw his attention away."

"How do we do that?" Mike looked at Leilani, who had pinned a skeleton to the deck of their ship with her trident. The boats nearby had caught on to their presence, and he suspected it was only a matter of time before Francois realized he was nearby.

"What in the actual fuck is that?" Eulalie's voice was barely audible, the channel crackling with interference.

"Eulalie? What is what?" Mike looked at Leilani, but the princess just shrugged and kicked another corpse off the boat. "Hello? Can anyone hear me?"

"I can hear you, Mike Radley." Death's voice cut through the static. "I apologize for my tardiness. I'm afraid it was rather difficult to get here. We caused quite the commotion."

"Death? Where are you?" The ship Mike was standing on dipped down in the water, then was carried up on a wave that lifted it up above the other ships. For a moment, he got a clear look at Francois' ship, the cannons shifting in place as they swiveled in his direction.

An explosion rocked the bow of Francois' ship, followed by three more. Plumes of fire billowed up, swiftly gobbled by the storm raging above. Dazzling lights illuminated the sky, crawling out toward a lone ship in the distance. Electrical energy crashed against the mysterious vessel, feeding it power and causing it to glow ethereally. Spectral turrets shifted and fired on Francois again. Moments later, the deck of Francois' ship exploded, showering the area with burning debris.

"Who is that?" Mike asked. "Is that the Order?"

"That is me, Mike Radley. Or rather, I have brought them here." The static on the channel magnified, and suddenly Mike heard hundreds of voices whispering as one.Through them all, Death continued. "Once I found all the warriors who died in battle on Maui, I went to another place where many had perished in battle. You see, I knew they had a ship and might be able to help."

"Those aren't night marchers." The realization of what he was looking at hit Mike in the chest like a ton of bricks.

"I was never asked to bring night marchers, Mike Radley. My task was to find the fallen warriors of Hawaii. Besides, these men swore to protect this land from all enemies, foreign or domestic." The whispering in the channel intensified, then went quiet just before the turrets fired again. "We were lucky they were still hanging around. You see, the men of the USS Arizona have been waiting for the final member of their crew so they can all depart for the afterlife together."

"Fucking hell," Eulalie whispered through the comms. "I can see them with my drones, all of them standing on the deck. The sailors."

"See who?" asked Kisa. "What's going on? Tink won't let me borrow her scope!" Over the comms, Tink grunted as if she'd been kicked.

The USS Arizona fired on Francois again, and the Captain turned his ship to meet their attack. The ship entered another depression, blocking his view of the ghost battleship in the distance. Realizing that Francois was turning away from them, he touched his earpiece. "Lily, I need you here!"

There was a blast of sulfur, followed by the appearance of the succubus. She gave him a wink, then immediately lost her footing as the boat tilted beneath them. Lily fell into Mike's arms, her breasts pressing into his stomach.

"Need a lift?" She looked up at him and grinned. "Least you could do is show me your legs."

"Can you get me up there?" He pointed at Francois' ship. A sparkling cloud of debris hovered behind it, the shattered planking now moving backward in slow motion as the ship repaired itself. Divine anger radiated from the ship, but Mike didn't care.

"Do you even need to?" she asked. "From here, he's definitely losing."

The winds shifted, blowing holes in the clouds above to allow the sun's light through. Francois fired his cannons, but Mike couldn't see their target. However, he did see the tendrils of magic that crawled into the sky, manipulating the clouds and pushing the gaps toward the USS Arizona. The spirits of the Arizona had surprise on their side, but if they got hit by the sun, it wouldn't matter.

"He won't be for long." Mike put a hand to his ear. "Death, can you ask the Arizona to start firing on the smaller ships instead? I'm about to go on board the big one."

"I'll let the Captain know." Death replied.

"Let's go," Mike said, then grabbed Lily by the wrist. She licked her lips and extended her wings wide before throwing herself skyward just as the ship dipped back down. It was a struggle to gain altitude at first, but Lily was able to spiral upward now that the cannons were no longer pointed their way. The merfolk abandoned the ship, diving for the safety of the water.

The kraken let out a roar from its place on the island, then threw itself back toward the water. Francois' ship was now on fire in more than one spot, but waterspouts had formed nearby to shower the flames and put them out. Even before the Arizona could adjust their aim, smaller ships started placing themselves between the two to form a defensive barrier.

Mike dangled below Lily, his eyes on the battle and carnage below. A few dead merfolk floated on the water alongside debris from dozens of ships. Maui was on fire, the pyroclastic cloud dipping toward the water and scorching the ships closest to it. He turned his attention to the deck of Francois' ship, then pointed toward the bow. The damage from the Arizona's initial attack had already been undone.

"Let's land there," he said, pointing toward the prow. Lily swooped down, letting out a cackle of glee when they landed. The two of them stood there for a silent moment as the undead figures moving around the deck paused to study them. Mike touched the button on his comms. "I'm in position," he said.

The undead charged forward, their weapons raised. Mike pulled the stopper on Opal's bottle, allowing the slime girl to emerge and crash into the attackers. Lily slammed her knee into the undead closest to her, then used her tail to sweep their legs out from beneath them. Several tense minutes passed as Mike stood there with his arms crossed in front of him, unmoving.

Hatches and doors opened in the planking, allowing more of Francois' crew to come out and join the battle. Lily and Opal were finally pushed back by overwhelming numbers, only for the undead to become scattered as Mace crashed through their ranks. The magical mace spun like a top, shattering bones on every pass over the ship.

"I'm not leaving," Mike shouted. "If you want to be rid of me, you're going to need to come out here and do it yourself!"

Francois didn't take the bait. Instead, the ship listed suddenly, turning almost sideways. Lily lost her footing and was nearly cast over the side while Opal clung to the deck. Mike leaned and grabbed onto the railing, unbothered by the sudden change in orientation.

The ship itself bucked, despite its massive size. A swell carried it up, then dropped them into a watery trench that threatened to wash him away. Lily was caught in the waves this time, sucked away by the surge. Opal wrapped herself around Mike's body, securely fastening him in place. When the wave was done breaking, the slime girl withdrew, leaving Mike perfectly dry. Mace hovered high overhead, the magical weapon doing its best to avoid getting wet.

In the bay, the kraken let out another roar that made Mike wince in pain. It was on its way, most likely eager to defend its master. If the kraken made it before Mike lured Francois out, he would have to go below decks to get to safety, and that meant the plan was ruined. Would the kraken tear the ship apart to find him? Just how stupid was the ship's guardian? Could he use it against Francois?

A dangerous plan suddenly put itself together in his mind. Cackling internally, Mike checked through his pockets to make sure he still had what was needed.

The kraken roared again, then sank beneath the waves of the bay, swamping several nearby ships. The wave the beast generated crashed onto the shore, smashing everything that remained.

"C'mon, Francois, I thought this was a battle between men. What kind of coward hides behind an entire army?" Mike turned his attention back toward the ship, hoping to see any sign of movement. "I mean, I came all the way out here. You may as well pop your head out and say hello."

When there was still no response, Mike sighed. He needed to goad the man out, but how? It was too bad Lily wasn't here. If she was, she would probably...

Groaning internally, Mike knew what he had to do. He took a deep breath and braced himself for what was about to transpire, mentally preparing for perhaps the dumbest thing he would ever do.

"There will be many stories told about this day," Mike shouted as he pulled the front of his pants down. "The funny thing about stories is people tend to focus on the stuff that really resonates with them, you know? Ol' Captain Francois was such a cowardly bag of shit that he stayed hidden inside his own ship, even while this happened."

Taking aim, Mike pissed on the deck. "Yep, that's right, folks," he declared. "Captain Francois is just as yellow as the piss running across the deck of--"

His magic just barely warned him of the attack, and Mike took a step to the side and ducked, the pistol round passing through the space where his head had been. Glancing up, he saw Francois standing nearby with another flintlock pistol, the man's face beet red with anger.

"Ah. There you are." Mike tried to stop peeing, but after a failed attempt to pinch it off, figured it was easier to just finish. "Is that a new gun? It looks like the old one. Was it part of a matching--"

"Arrêt!" Francois was trying to reload his flintlock. "What are you doing?!?"

"Uh..." Mike did a little squat, the stream finally abating. He gave his cock a shake and then tucked it back into his pants. "Peeing on your boat, apparently."

"What kind of a monster are you?" Francois' remaining eye was bloodshot with rage.

"Really? That's where you draw the line?" Mike was well aware that the ship was turning beneath them and had a pretty good idea why. "Murdering thousands of people is fine, but a little pee on your boat and you lose it? Isn't part of the boat literally called the poop deck?"

Francois shrieked something in French, then moved as if to aim his flintlock again. Mike threw out a spark of lightning which ignited the powder early, causing the gun to go off and fire a ball into the deck.

"This is a game we could play all day," Mike said with a grin. "Why don't you come over here so we can have a proper talk?"

"I am not stupid. You have that goo girl with you."

"Ah, right." Mike looked down at the pink and purple slime that held him to the deck. "So I guess you aren't as dumb as you look."

"When I kill you, I will come for every member of your family!" Francois shouted, revealing all of his teeth. "I will drown every single one of them at sea and force them to serve me for--"

There was a meaty slap, and Francois' body bucked out from underneath him, a fountain of gore spraying from his hip. The Captain gasped and fell limp on the deck, his fingernails digging into the wood as he cried out in pain.

Mike heard a single voice crackle through the comms. "Stupid fuck down," Tink growled.

"CARETAKER!" Francois struggled to rise, but his body failed to obey. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?"

"Me? Nothing, actually. My wife, though? Put a bullet through your spine." Mike knelt and shook his head in disappointment. "She's having a really bad week, you see."

"No. NON!" Francois clutched at the deck and started weeping. His features aged further, but only slightly as he reached the limit of his time on Earth. "I was supposed to live forever!"

"Well, that ship has sailed." Mike rose, the boat shuddering beneath them. "You broke rule number one: don't fuck with the Radley family."

Francois looked up at Mike in horror, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. "You...if..."

"My ride should be here in a moment." Mike looked out to sea and saw a tiny gray speck heading in his direction. "As for what happens next, I guess that's up to you."

The water beneath the ship became choppy, the hull dropping into another trench. Mike kept his legs bent to avoid getting flattened against the deck when it reached the bottom.

"I suppose you think you've won," Francois hissed. "And now, the spoils of war go to you, the mighty Caretaker. So what comes next for the family man? Will you sail the seas? Will you become a conqueror of men?"

"Hmm, what?" Mike looked down at the Captain. "Oh, you think I care about this thing?" He stomped his foot on the boat for emphasis. "I don't give two shits about it. Why do you think I had you shot in the spine and not the head?"

"What?" A vein visibly bulged in Francois' forehead. "Why?"

"It's simple, really." Mike knelt down to look at the man. He summoned his magic, spinning it into a vortex inside his soul. "You see, if I had killed you, that means I get what you have, right? They say boat ownership is a pain, so I figured I would skip it. If I leave and you die of old age, well, then I didn't kill you, so the magic takes over and finds somebody new. But you know what? That can't happen if your guardian is dead. Doomed to an eternity of sitting back and doing nothing, that's what's going to happen."

"You...you'd turn your back on the power of the gods?" Francois' voice was filled with disbelief. "On Poseidon?"

Mike shrugged. "Kind of. This is also a bit of a message for anyone else that comes for me in the future. You see, I've realized that, after today, I'm going to have a lot of attention. Anyone with a hard-on for the Great Game will consider making a play for what I have. When they do, I want them to remember that I was far happier letting this ship go to waste then claiming it for myself. A god willing to kill innocent people doesn't get to play this stupid game anymore. You hear that, Poseidon?" He stomped his foot on the deck and wondered if he actually felt it shiver in response. "So I figure when the other Players hear about this, maybe the gods that work with them will second-guess pulling similar shit."

The vessel shuddered again, and the bow lifted up. Mike heard water surge behind him, followed by the sudden presence of a massive beast. The kraken had arrived.

"So then you let me live." Francois' lips curled into a grim smile, convinced that he had managed to buy the time he needed. "Know that I will come for you, Caretaker. I will never stop until--"

"Yeah, yeah, fire and flames, I've heard this shit before, you guys need new material." Mike stuck his hand in his pocket and closed his fingers tightly around the vial inside. "You know what, Frankie? Fuck you." He pulled the vial out of his pocket, the contents inside glittering as his magic danced across the crystalline pollen. "And fuck your boat."

Spinning in place, Mike threw the vial of mandragora powder high at the kraken's face. The massive beast narrowed its eyes as Mike summoned his magic, blasting the vial with gold and blue lightning. The powder exploded, forming a glittering cloud that drifted into the kraken's face. The beast blinked in surprise, then snorted and smashed a tentacle into the deck.

Opal released her grip on the deck, her body flowing back inside her bottle as Mike sprinted along the boat. The kraken roared and tried to grab him, but smashed a tentacle into the mast instead.

"Abella!" Mike screamed. He pointed ahead of himself, toward the other end of the ship. The gargoyle corrected her course, her wings spread wide.

"No, you idiot, what are you--" Francois slid across the deck of his ship as the kraken leaned forward, its bulk causing the ship to tilt dangerously. The kraken wrapped its tentacles around the ship, its whole body shivering. The ship listed to one side, and Mike grabbed onto the railing and held on for dear life. A loud groan went through the vessel, the wood creaking under the strain.

Turning around, Mike summoned bursts of light into his palms and tossed them out toward the kraken. The beast made a rumbling sound deep in its chest as light danced along its body. Somewhere beneath its tentacles, Francois screamed in fury.

Grunting, the kraken adjusted its body, allowing the ship to go level again. Mike ran for it, the hairs on the back of his neck sticking up as the magic around him shifted. He looked back to see that a portal now circled the ship, revealing calm seas beyond.

The Captain was trying to escape. Turning around, Mike rolled his arms around each other and sent another blast of magical sexual arousal into the kraken. The beast was rubbing its body on the bow, the planking splintering and falling into the water below.

Realizing that time was limited, Mike made it to the stern and jumped. Abella snatched him up with powerful talons, her wings pumping with exertion as they swooped away.

"Turn around," he said. Abella altered course and he found himself looking down on the kraken as it growled and thrust its body against the ship. A glowing portal now encircled the ship, the sky filling with mists as Captain Francois tried to escape.