In Her Eyes

"Guys I know this is hard for you to understand. But sometimes Mom's and Dad's find out they can't live together anymore. But it doesn't mean your mother loves you any less. It doesn't mean I love you any less. And it doesn't mean that we won't always be a family. It just means we are going to have to work very hard to work out a different set of logistics."

"What kind of logistics, daddy?"

"The kind that makes sure that you can see your mother or me anytime you want, angels."

They were all very sad. It was hard for them to take. But they were kind enough to keep it to themselves.

***

"I know what is bothering you, David."

This was our fourth counseling session and it was becoming a bit tedious. We were no closer to Susan accepting what was going to happen. She was still in denial. I was beginning to worry about her. The longer this dragged on the bigger of a blow this was going to be. I knew she couldn't be my wife anymore, but the children were going to need their mother. Michael was about to be a teenager and the twins just celebrated their eleventh birthday. Susan's recovery was going to take some time. There was no way I could handle raising 3 teenagers on my own. I needed Susan's help, we needed to be co-parents. Yet the focus of our counseling seemed to be me and my ability to forgive. I just couldn't wrap my brain around the concept.

"David, when the offended spouse learns all the details of their partner's affair it can be a tremendous blow to their ego. Your feelings of inadequacy are completely understandable. Your anger with Susan is understandable. But if you won't talk about your feelings I cannot help you deal with them and we will not make any progress."

I didn't have much experience with therapists or any other doctor for that matter. I had led a pretty blessed life. But I couldn't help but think that this bitch didn't have a clue. I kept complaining to Maggie, but she kept telling me that Dr. Skinner was the best and that therapy was the best option. It had taken three sessions before Susan would admit that she had also had sex with Jason Smith. She cried and said she was sorry, blah, blah, blah. I believed her, but that wasn't the biggest problem. Oh that part hurt a lot, but it really wasn't the issue.

"I am not angry with Susan, Doc. I am sad because my marriage to Susan is over. There are no magic words that will change that. Susan made mistakes. I have forgiven her. Our marriage is over, and that saddens me deeply, but I will heal in time. I need more time, not more discussions."

"And Doc, I don't feel inadequate. I knew everything I needed to know about her affairs long before she admitted to them to you. She had sex with Jason Smith, blah, blah, blah. She gave Mike Thomas a blow job and he fucked her. OK, fine. The fat fucker gave her Chlamydia. All things considered I just don't give a shit. They weren't better lovers than me. Hell, Susan didn't even like having sex with either of them. Jason was just a convenient slime bag and 'Big' Mike was something different all together. But that isn't the point."

"If Susan had simply gotten drunk, and had lowered inhibitions and had fallen prey to some womanizer and had sex, I promise you that whatever problems that would have arisen from that situation we would have never ended up in your office."

"Mr. Stephen's you are making a lot of assumptions about issues we haven't even started to cover. I applaud your effort to mask you pain with your false bravado, but you can't possibly know how Susan is feeling about her affair with Mr. Smith. Last week, she barely admitted its existence and our session time was over. We haven't even begun to explore those topics"

"Yes, I do know how she felt."

"How?"

"Susan told me."

The room exploded in an uproar. I just needed a minute of peace to collect my thoughts.

"I told you no such thing, David!"

"Mr. Stephen's, please! This is not helpful."

I tried to hold my hands up to calm the ladies down. That is when they caught my eye and I pointed to an item on the doctor's bookshelf.

"Doc, what are those head phones for?"

"They are sound dampening head phones. I use them to deal with children with behavioral problems. I use them so that I can better evaluate a child's reaction to visual stimuli."

"Perfect. Doc can we agree that we are not making any progress?"

"We are not making progress, Mr. Stephens. That is for certain."

"OK, fine. I'll make you a deal. For the next 10 minutes we conduct therapy my way. Then I get 5 minutes to explain my actions. After that, I will do whatever you say, answer any question you ask for however many sessions it takes. Deal?"

"It is a very unusual request. But I don't see the harm in breaking this log jam, by any means available."

"Great. For the next 10 minutes you can talk to Susan about any topic you want. I am going to watch your discussion, and I am going to use the head phones so that I can't hear what you are talking about. All I ask from you is that you hold up your pen up when you are changing topics. It will help me keep track. And Susan, if you wouldn't mind hiding your mouth behind that magazine when you are speaking, it would be helpful. I don't want to be accused of reading lips. OK, let's get to it."

And so I watched. For 10 minutes in silence. And I was sad. This was going to be the end. When the 10 minutes was up I got a very condescending glare from Dr. Skinner and a confused look from my soon to be ex-wife.

"You have the floor, Mr. Stephens."

"OK, topic one was me. She loves me. She is happy with our marriage. She wants to stay married. Topic two was the kids. Unconditional love for Michael and the twins. Man, a mother's love is awesome don't you think? Topic three. I have no idea, but whatever it was she told you the truth. What was that one by the way?"

"I asked her who she thought was going to win the presidential election."

"I see. We'll we don't really talk about politics much. It is not very interesting. OK, so she said that there was no way that American voters would elect a corrupt ex-Chicago city organizer to the presidency. Unfortunately, I said she told you the truth. Not that she was right. God help us all."

To say that the two women were shocked would be an understatement. Outright disbelief, maybe? Stunned silence for sure.

"OK, topic four. She lied. And topic five she desperately wants to believe is the truth because admitting the actual truth will be devastating."

Susan still had tears forming in her eyes now, but she was doing a good job of holding herself together. Doc, was sitting there with her mouth open. No don't go there. No chance of that. Not my type.

"Susan I have never lied to you. Ever. I have always told you that you have always deserved 100% honesty from me. That it would be unfair for me to not tell you the truth and that you would get it even if I knew the truth would hurt your feelings. And I told you that there would be no reason for you to ever lie to me. That I loved you unconditionally and that the truth would help us find the solution to any problem much faster. And I promised you that I would help you find those solutions, no matter what."

"The car..."

"I am sorry. What?"

"The day of the parent-teacher conference. I wrecked my car. It was a gift from you and I was embarrassed. I didn't want to tell you that I wrecked the car. I wanted us to take your car so that I could have more time. I had been practicing my excuses for 30 minutes, but before even I started to explain you were giggling. You knew, and didn't care, before I even opened my mouth. That is why you were laughing."

"Yeah, Susan. I did. I am sorry. I should have told you that you couldn't lie to me. But you never really did anyway so I didn't think it was important."

"Shannon was right, I'm fucked," she whispered.

"Susan, how did 'Big' Mike convince you to fuck him?"

"He didn't."

"What does Jason have? A video, pictures?"

"He has it on video. All three minutes."

"And why did you panic and try to find a way to get me to cheat on you?"

"Rebecca Davis saw me leaving the hotel. We were supposed to have lunch. You were out of town, and she and I always have lunch. But I forgot, and she saw me. I knew it was a matter of time and I knew what it would mean."

"Topic four, Doc. In the books."

***

"He has her on video, Maggie. I want that video and I want him dealt with."

"I'll take care of it, David."

"I am serious, Maggie. I want it done soon or you will get the chance to recharge your defense lawyer chops. Because, if I have to handle it, I will kill that mother fucker."

"I understand, David."

The next day, two plain manila envelopes were on my desk when I arrived back from my work out. I just stared at them for a long time. Finally, after lunch, I relented. One envelope contained Jason Smith's resignation letter and a signed ten year non-compete agreement. The other was probably a DVD. The size and shape were right.

"Anything else, Mr. Stephens."

"Yes, Miss Davis, thank you. Will you please have this delivered to personnel, and have them post a position announcement for a senior tax accountant. And have the contents of this envelope destroyed."

"I'll shred it personally, Mr. Stephens."

"Thank you, Becky."

***

"OK, David, you were right. You seem to have a very good grasp on the problems we are facing. But clearly Susan is sorry for her actions. She is willing to work hard at rebuilding your relationship. You clearly still love her. She is clearly completely and unashamedly in love with you. There is a lot to build on."

"I believe all of those things are true, Doc. But none of that really matters."

"OK, well what seems to holding you up? What can we do to move you towards possible reconciliation?"

"An impossible task. I wouldn't even ask."

Rhyming for God sakes. This was going downhill fast. I was really going to have to speak with Maggie about her judgment. Who in the hell certified Amanda Skinner as a therapist and where in the hell did she matriculate. Oh, there it was. University of Notre Dame. Fucking figured.

"Susan, what made you finally give in?"

"I am sorry, David. I don't understand."

"I am wondering why it took so long for you to give in. I wouldn't imagine that slow of a drip would have been so convincing. I am wondering what changed your mind?"

"David. I am not following."

"I am sorry, Susan. What magic trick did Jason Smith perform that finally freed you from your vows?"

"Uhh..."

"I mean he had worked for five years to get into your panties. That is a lot of effort for any piece of ass. Even yours, Susan. You have to admire the jack ass's perseverance. I am wondering how he was finally able to shag you?"

"Five years? Oh, David, it wasn't that long."

"Sure it was, Susan. He caught your attention when he started volunteering for your charities. You even mentioned it to me. I even thanked your fuck buddy for his efforts. I remember it well. Are you saying that you don't?"

"I remember, David."

"Great. So what I am asking is after five years of 'Susan, you are so beautiful', 'Susan, we would be really good together.', 'Susan, you are so special', what made you change your mind? Unless, of course, you have been fucking for years."

"No, David, it was only once. We only had sex once."

"Right, for three minutes. My mistake. So what did he do? How did he win the fair princess?"

"I don't know, David. I can't remember."

"We are heading into the deep shit with topic five here, Doc. You might want to start paying attention."

"Susan, is it possible you can't answer the question because he didn't do anything different?"

"Yes, David. It's possible."

"You see, Doc. Susan has only ever lied to me three times. Pretty impressive as far as relationships as long as ours go, but also the reason we are getting divorced."

"Mr. Stephens, what are you talking about?"

"Jesus Christ, Doc. Pay attention. Three lies. Once about a reservation. Once about a car accident. And once when she told me about one of her fuck buddies, but left out the other. Three lies in 15 years."

"I still don't see what is holding you back, Mr. Stephens."

"She told the truth, Doc. That's why. Why, Susan?"

"I don't know, David. I honestly don't know."

***

"She is not really a lesbian. You know that, right?"

"What are you talking about now, Susan?"

"I am talking about Maggie, David"

"OK, Susan. I agreed to keep meeting with you because Dr. Skinner said it would be helpful but if you insist on pricking me with needles during every conversation I am going to have to stop coming to see you."

"I know I did that before, David. I was just trying to get you to talk to me. Even arguing with you was better than sitting in silence. I am not doing that now. She's in love with you. She always has been."

***

"She told the truth, Doc. That is why we are getting divorced."

Susan was panicking now. It was brutal to witness. I had been able to hold my emotions in check while I had forced myself to sit through the four weeks of therapy bull shit. But this was real. The end. It was hard to watch, even harder to participate. Susan was devastated and so was I.

"My father used to tell me, 'Put everything out on the table, son. Even if we can't solve the problem today, it is better that we all know we have a problem and what it is, so that we can start finding a solution. Two brains are better than one, and your mom's brain is better than both of ours put together. So tell us all about your problem, so your mom can tell us how to fix it'."

"It may be kind of simplistic, but the 'Joy is multiplied, and sorrow is divided' philosophy just seemed to work really well for Susan and me. When Susan and I first started dating we talked for hours. I suppose just like everyone in their 'young love' days. But as we got more serious, we talked even more. And when we realized that we were both deeply committed to each other, we kept right on talking about everything. Always, no secrets. I always loved that I could look into my wife's eyes, ask her how her day was and know that she was truly happy with her life. I used to take great pride in knowing that I could make her that happy."

"Clearly communication is not the problem in your relationship, Mr. Stephens. You should take that as a positive sign."

"You would think, but my problem is she didn't lie. I was at a convention for 7 days. I asked my wife each day 'How was your day, Suze?' and every day she replied, 'Everything was OK, honey'.

Susan had tears running down her cheeks, and she had the strangest look in her eyes.

"Every. Single. Day. I could see her eyes. She was telling the truth. Even the day she fucked Jason Smith for three minutes, whichever day that was. Even on that day, everything was fine. There was no concern, no remorse. She wasn't worried about it. She didn't care. She fucked another man and didn't care."

"I can live with a lot of things, Doc. But I won't live with a wife who decided it was ok to cheat on me. I won't live with a woman who believes that is ok. Every man wants a wife who acts a little slutty in the bedroom, no real man wants to be married to a slut. Well maybe some do, but I don't!"

Since I knew the end was coming, I was prepared for what I thought was the worst. Screaming, begging and crying for sure. I wasn't prepared for catatonic. It was a bit unnerving. Dr. Skinner seemed calm but was closely monitoring Susan's reactions. After a moment she stood, took my hand and led me to the door.

"Thank you, David. I think that will be all for now. Now, I understand why Maggie referred you and your wife to me. You shouldn't worry about her too much. I'll take very good care of Susan."

"Thanks, Do....Thank you, Dr. Skinner. I'd appreciate it if you would let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Susan is the mother of my children and will always be very important to me."

"I will do that, David. I think you should go now."

***

I am not really a cocky asshole. I know it may appear that way, but I am really not. From the moment I met Susan, everything I did was for us. It was easy to stay on the straight and narrow. I was working for a higher power, for Susan and her love. During the last several weeks I had been researching one topic. Why do marriages fail? I was desperately looking for an answer to a very serious question. How had I failed Susan? What had I done to push her away from me? After twenty-seven books, I knew two things. I could have written a book on how to keep your marriage alive and healthy and I was never going to find my answer. There was nothing I had done. And it saddened me.

Every suggestion in every book I had done. Communication, honesty, thoughtfulness. Placing her needs above my own, giving her space to be her own person. Flowers, notes, remembering the little things. Sharing responsibilities. Adapting to life's changes. Faithfulness. I had done them all.

Again, I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. On my own, I am weak. It was Susan who gave me strength. I did all the little things because they made her happy, and when Susan was happy I was beyond amazing. I did everything for her, because she energized me. Naturally, this translated to our children. They were an extension of my love for Susan and deserved everything I had to offer. Some men may call all of this a great sacrifice, 'I gave up my dreams for my family'. Not me, I thought it was easy. Susan and my family were my dream, everything and anything I gave up was returned to me tenfold.

My biggest problem was if I could find nothing that I had done wrong, I would have to change who I was to remain married to Susan. I was honest and faithful and loving and kind. I could not be a man with an open relationship...I would never be a...cuckold. Just thinking the word made me want to puke.

I desperately needed to know how I failed, so I could reconcile with my wife. Forgive myself for my failure, forgive her for hers and move on together. My current depressed lifestyle was based on the knowledge that I would never find that failure.

The other thing that bothered me was how every memory I had for our last five years together was tainted. It is amazing how things that seem so innocent when your eyes of full of love can seem so devious when you're staring at them through a prism of hurt, anger and betrayal.

Susan and I were out a lot, dancing, parties and such. Things that had never bothered me before, were eating me up inside. The times she was maybe dancing a little too close with another man. The smiles and laughter and the touches on the arm with another. I never cared about the flirting before. It was harmless fun. But now I was wondering if my own apathy towards those things had cost me my marriage. Had I been my own worst enemy?

***

It was Maggie who damn near forced me to continue with counseling.

"You have to fight with everything you have, David. You have to try and make it work. When you have tried absolutely everything, then and only then can you give up. It has to be this way. I can nev...I mean you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't," she said.

I reluctantly agreed. I stayed close by as Dr. Skinner worked with Susan to control her depression and come to terms with were our marriage stood. Susan and I visited from time to time. We kept things on a friendly level speaking about the children or family and friends. We never spoke about us. At first it seemed that Susan would say things to pick a fight with me. I know she was frustrated. Hell, I was. But my frustration manifested in short answers and silence and she didn't like it.

The divorce proceedings continued, but were on hold for a final decree until Maggie was satisfied I had done all I could. Maggie and I would talk after every counseling session. She would listen to me complain that I was done and I wanted it to end.